October

Today is change, today is new, today is a fresh month, and the beginning of a new season! Today is October 1st, this is my favorite time of year and I welcome this change with open arms.

It has been a couple of hard days as Kevin and I are in the process of making some tough decision about some things, and also trying to smooth over some misunderstanding of our hearts. We find that sometimes it is difficult to help people understand this journey, the steps, the pain and grief, and in the end we give so much energy trying to explain it that we end up not having enough energy to heal. Which is why sometimes we submit ourselves to the reality that some people will never understand and that is okay.

We are four months in from loosing Judah, 18 weeks, and just over a hundred days. I try not to live in the what ifs, but sometimes I allow myself a few moments when I dream of a growing belly, baby kicks, showers, nursery, names, and ultra sounds. And sometimes I even allow myself to dream it with a 8 month old baby crawling at my feet. But this is not my reality, my reality is far from those dreams and wants and desires.

I have been sad the last couple days, sad because of misunderstandings, sad because of where people want me to be and where I really am, sad because other then Kevin no one can truly know our pain except for Christ alone.

I am thankful that on my sad days God is not disappointed, not angry and not trying to change me, but rather on my sad days he is feeling it with me.