Monday, October 5, 2009

Do You Trust Me?

Walking the path of infertility and loss took a lot of trust in God. There were so many days, and so many moments when someone or God himself would ask me "Do you trust Me?"

You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”

As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”

As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”

When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”

Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”

With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….



Stacey said...

Praying that Kevin will be better soon and that the rest of you will NOT get sick!!

Praise God for wonderful parents. I'm so glad they are close and can lend a hand. I know you are so grateful. Hang in there, my friend!

Libby said...

You know I understand this one completely....I had this same feeling a couple of weeks ago. It is hard to put ALL your trust in Him, to just turn it over completely. But in the end....He is the only one who is in complete control!

Luv ya girlie! Let me know anything you need.

Maddie Stacy said...

Beth you are such an inspiration. I look up to you in so many ways. You taught me so much in the short time you were here, and you still are teaching me even though we are 1,446 miles apart. (I looked it up.) I cannot wait for the day I will meet Jaden and Ty. You guys are the family I always wanted. You are an amazing mom. Keep going strong. I love you, Beth.

Anonymous said...

Lord, I agree with Beth and ask that you help her to trust you. Would you protect her entire family. Be with Kevin and help him to get over the flu quickly. Bless Beth's sweet parents for their dedicated love and give them the strength they need right now. Thank you for loving us and caring for us and providing what we need when we need it. Encourage and bring great peace to my sweet sister in Christ

Hillary said...

I am praying for you and your family...that you could walk with complete trust in him. And that he would guard your health!

The Swann's said...

I read this post many days ago. I thought it was beautiful. Today it brings a whole new meaning to me... Here I sit, feeling God asking me, "Do you trust Me?" as I have shed many a tears just today over our Infertility issues. It is so hard to continue to trust not knowing if the deep ache within my heart, just longing for a child, will ever be filled. It is so hard to put myself out of the picture and trust that God's will be done. It is so very difficult to trust while in the valleys... Here I am today. Trying so hard to trust as my heart breaks.

I needed to read this {even thru tears} to be reminded of just this, to trust my Heavenly Father...