Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Moving Forward

Wow I am slacking on my blogging. I don't mean to, but I am healing so well that I find myself more and more busy everyday, which is such a blessing.

Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.

It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.

I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."

My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.

After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.

We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.

We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?

I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!