Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Heart

This will be my third time of rewriting this post. I have even posted it, you may have caught it, and then pulled it off because I knew I was still not writing was really in my heart. I am still struggling to find the words to describe why it has been so hard to blog this journey so far.

The blog I posted this past week was called "Stepping Down." In it I describe that I was being asked to step down from the platform in the IF community, I realize now that I am not really stepping down, I will always have a voice when it comes to waiting and loss, however my journey has now taken me into parenting, and this I feel is my new platform. I also talked about how I wish I could so desperately take you girls who have been my closest friends in my waiting and darkness with me, however I now realize that you are walking it with me, cheering me along and setting aside the ache in your own heart to find joy for me.

5 weeks ago I was still waiting for my miracle. Even though we knew sweet Jaden was on his way I was still dealing with doubt and fear because all I have known is loss, so I in a way I was expecting loss. When the miracle of Jaden was born, and I held him in my arms and realized he was my son my world changed. Everything I ever knew slowly disappeared and took on a new shade. My wait, my loss, they all looked different in the eyes of a girl who was holding what she had been waiting for.

When I sit down to write out my emotions they get stuck in my heart because I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for others. I can remember my closest friends struggling to tell me they were pregnant, I remember the joy for their miracle but the pain of loss and sorrow that entered my heart at the same time. I know when those of you who are still waiting for your miracle read about my journey into parenting, it will cause sorrow, and everything in me wishes so badly I was not the one causing this pain. So it has been easier for me just to not write or say anything about the joy I am experiencing, because I don’t want to cause you pain.

I am amazed by each of you, your support and love overwhelms me. I also remember all the times I had to push aside the ache inside my own heart to embrace someone else’s miracle, and I have to say I don’t regret ever doing that.

My journey has changed, and it is not fair to anyone for me to write about loss and waiting but not turn around and write about my joy and the gaining of a son.

On August 14th, Jaden Daniel was born. My heart melted the moment I saw him. My knees buckled and the nurse had to catch me, a part of me I never knew blossomed and bloomed and I became a mother.

To say I am in love with this little one is understatement. I never knew I could have a love like the love I am experiencing for Jaden, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I look into his eyes, when I him hear cry, when I see him sleeping my heart explodes and I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. I would have waited a life time for sweet Jaden and I will never understand Gods favor on Kevin and I.

Thank you for being apart of this journey, for supporting me, for walking along side of me even in the midst of your sorrow and ache, you will never ever know how much it has meant to me. Please know I never mean to be insensitive in my writings, but it is time that I step up on a new platform that God has given to me- parenting! I am excited that my writings will change from waiting to having, from loss to gain, from sorrow to joy. We serve a good God!