Saturday, August 29, 2009

Looking Back Embracing the Change

As you can see I have been working on my blog...change....seems to be the theme of my life right now, so much has changed. This journey has taken me on a ride that neither Kevin nor I could have imagined, dreamed up, or written. This journey really has been a God ordained, God written, God established, and God completed journey. As I stop and think about it I realize that this is still just the beginning of such a huge picture and story that God is writing.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!

I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.

I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:

Turning the Corner

This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.

On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.

After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.

Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.

We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!

Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!