Monday, August 11, 2008

Walking and Knocking

I am home from the beach and it was very difficult to leave such a peaceful surrounding and lazy days, but it had to happen sometime. I was so happy to see Kevin and I was glad to be back in my home with my boys!! God is so good to have given me so much time with my mom at one of my most favorite places on earth, it was such a gift.

This morning I awoke early because I had an interview. It has been a hard decision but I decided that maybe I needed to get a job. I have not worked for over a year and it is has been such a blessing. After losing Eddie and moving, we just had so much on our plates that not working was an easy decision with Kevin and me. Then when we started trying to get pregnant again, I kept hoping that at some point I would be pregnant and would be preparing to be a stay at home mom. 11 months after losing Eddie my dream came true and I was pregnant, but as we all know God had different plans with baby Judah. So now I must face everyday knowing that right now, I will not be mothering my child.

After a lot of prayer, tears, and frustrations I saw that Curves was hiring and thought what a perfect job that would be, I can’t believe I walked all the steps in applying for that job. When I rolled out of bed this morning the reality of getting a job washed over me, it is so hard to give up a dream that was in your grasps for just few minutes and walk a journey that you did not think you would have to walk. I did not think I would be making a decision about going back to work, rather my thoughts always led to planning a nursery, having a shower, preparing my home, and anticipating the birth of my second child. I must kneel before my father with open hands and give these things up to him.

Appling to Curves and setting up the interview seemed to take off on its own, it really was not hard and things just seemed to happen naturally, I begin to really think this might be the job for me. I heard they were hiring Monday, Wednesday, and Friday 7:00am-1:30pm, I was so excited knowing these would be perfect for me. As I walked into Curves and waited for the manger I was getting more excited, however before she even began the interview she said she was only hiring Monday – Friday 3:00- 7:30pm, these hours would just not work for Kevin and I. I started crying right there in the middle of curves, oh I am so embarrassed even thinking about this. I will not give any more detail but I left 4 minutes after my “interview,” oh it was just awful.

I am glad God shut the door so clearly, I am so thankful. I am now fully aware that I am not as far along in my healing as I thought as I was. It has made for a hard day as I realize how far I have to go and how much I miss my babies. Someday I just feel so empty and am not sure what to do with myself. I know that in God’s timing he will lead me to the right job at the right time, for now he has said wait in so many areas of my life.

My dear friend and Sister Jamie and I were talking this morning, I kept saying to her “Jamie, God is not saying no to me right now, he just keep saying wait…” Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do, because there are no answers and you have to be content right where you are, like it or not.

I am so proud that I walked through those doors, that I took a step, and even though once again a door was shut at least I am still walking and I am still knocking!