It is a Monday afternoon around 2:27pm; some days are long days and today seem to be a long day. I spent the majority of last night and this afternoon reading through all my blogs, you really can see the ups and downs of the journey. Then I spent some time reading through blogs written by parents who had lost infants at a young age, some only living moments, seconds, or days, I cannot imagine the journey these remarkable parents are on.
I ran into these blogs when I went on a search for mothers who were maybe on a similar path as mine. I was hopeful but in the end came away feeling more lonely. I can’t find anyone (at least not the internet) who has had an ectopic pregnancy, a molar pregnancy, PCOS, and also the struggle of conceiving (I think I was really hopeful). Many women I found who had had the experience of a molar pregnancy had children before or right after. I am sure there are a handful of women who have struggled with something similar or even more difficult than anything I have gone through. I am fully aware that even if there was someone it would still be such a different story as not every story is ever exactly alike. I think I was just lonely.
On my search I was truly struck at how much pain is in this world, I am extremely sensitive to this reality right now especially when it comes from losing a child. What amazes me even more are people who are dealing with this sadness, truly alone with no belief in God, for me it is only by God grace that I am able to put one foot in front of the other. It is one thing for parents to have to bury their children before them, it is not how life is suppose to go, but to have to do it without the knowledge of how much God loves you, I just can’t imagine. I do pray for the parents, that they would experience Gods love and Grace in their lives.
My sweet Kevin is helping me grieve by building me a special box for our two unborn children. It is beautiful and I will post pictures as he finishes it. One thing that is a difficult concept for me is that I never, not even for a second got to hold either one of the children God gave me. I have little things given to each of them, I have a couple of outfits given to me, or that I bought for them, cards and notes that I want to hold onto, that I will place inside this box, it will be the only physical thing I can hold onto, but it will never really take away the ache I feel in my arms.
God is consistently Love; my dad gave me a great phrase that helps me know exactly where I am….
“God is love, I know God loves me, I am trusting Gods love.” That’s it my friends, that is my life right now, one second at a time through Gods love. I pray this for everyone who does not have God to hold onto, I pray this love into their lives.