I am amazed at how many times I stumble around to find the words to describe what I am feeling in a moment. I can’t seem to find anything that really does justice to the fears, doubts, peace, and love I have at any given moment. Often times these all come at once, sometimes they come individually and sometimes they show themselves to me in the most unlikely pairs. Today, right now, this moment, it is all at once and more. I don’t know what causes me to be so overwhelmed all of the sudden; it is not like one particular thing has happened to make me feel this way. It just happens, and leaves me breathless and speechless.
I am overwhelmed that God has chosen Kevin and I to walk down this journey, you never think it will be you…you see other people walk it but you never think you will be asked, and it is me, it is us, we have been asked. I am thankful, I am honored, and I am humbled. I know God would not ask the weak at heart, or the frighten one to walk this journey; He knows He must call those who are strong, and eager at heart! I do not feel these things, I often feel very inadequate on this journey and am not sure I am walking it well, but I am doing my best, and I am walking it whether I want to or not.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to walk it, some days I wake up, and I walk it with a courageous heart, each step is a step of faith, strength, and eagerness to finsih the race. Other days I wake up, and my steps are just steps, each one agonizing and painful, but at least steps. Either way, it is still movement and action, it is still walking, it is still moving forward.
I am thankful that for the moment, decisions have been made for us, we cannot try for a child right now, we must wait. I am already finding myself anxious about when these three months are up, will I be ready? What decisions will we need to make next in the journey of wanting a family? I know those looking in, think that we would be so anxious and ready to get “Back on the Horse” and try, but you have to understand how each fall has been so deeply impacting, leaving behind scars that will never go away. I don’t know what the future looks like, I don’t know when I will have children, or if we are called to walk a childless life, either way I do know God is good.
I will never be the same person as I was before each pregnancy, I am forever changed. As the healing comes and as the pain takes on new color and feeling, I want to live life to the fullest. I don’t want to wait to have children to live, but I want to live now. No matter how painful this journey is, I have to believe that this is a gift, that this journey has been chosen by God for Kevin and I, we can either believe it is a curse, or we can believe that every day is a gift and God has chosen us, because he knows that we can handle it, not by our strength but by his. I rest in that assurance, I rest in his love and nothing less and nothing more. His love is enough!