It has been an amazing weekend with my dear friend Jamie, her husband Brian, and there beautiful little girl, Charlotte. There have been endless tears, side aching laughter, and healing heart conversations. I will write more about my sweet time with Jamie soon, but I am not ready to face reality that they leave tomorrow and will soon be writing about the past rather then the present. I choose to stay in the moment as long as I can.
Instead I find myself in deep thought about my journey- its ups and downs, twist and turns, and the people who seem to be the onlookers. I don’t in anyway intend to offend anyone by any of my writing, however deep in my heart if any blog is going to be offensive it will probably be this one. (Just a warning,)
I have been stirring these thoughts over and over in my head, my heart, and my talks with Kevin. Many of my conversations with Kevin are often times about the community of believers, how they have or have not handled our particular journey, and many times what we will or will not do if we are faced with a couple going through something that is reflective of our path.
Honestly as I stare at the computer screen I am still not sure how to say what is deep in my heart, what it is that is causing me so much pain and frustration. I do know that I have been extremely hurt by the “audience” of believers that God has placed in my life. I use the term audience because that is what they are: they look, watch, judge, and predict the outcome. They cheer and clap when they think I have done something good, and boo and yell when they think I have made a wrong move. They are an audience because their involvement in my healing has been minimal.
They feel safer from a distance, and they wait for me to enter into their territory so that they can really “meet me where I am” and offer “healing words, and spiritual food…” They stand at there door, yelling for their lost sheep (me), and if yelling does not work they try a whistle, or maybe a bell, or maybe silence, or maybe a treat…when nothing proves to work they drop their head in disappointment that their lost sheep has wondered off the wrong path, close the door and continue on. They may stop and think about me for a moment, but the thought is brief because they have too many sheep they are trying to keep track of, and they are responsive and I was the sheep that was not…so it is best just to “move on” to those who will respond.
I am however, hearing there calls, hearing the whistle, hearing the bell, and actually think the treat sounds quite good, but I am caught in a bush, it’s thistles and vines wrapped so tightly around my legs and I cannot move, I try yelling, but they refuse to hear my weak and quiet voice, I try responding, but they are not looking for my response, and so I am tired, I am tired of trying, of fighting and so I lay and wait.
Christ has come, he is slowly and precisely cutting each branch, vine and thistle that has wrapped around each part of my aching body and broken heart. He knows I am disappointed that I have been left alone, and he keeps telling me how sorry he is. He gently lifts my broken body from the bush and starts to tend to my wounds, the only way a healer and a maker can. He sings gentle songs into my ears and whispers his love and promises to my heart. As I continue to heal, and as he continues the healing, our hearts start beating as one. He stands me up, and places his hands upon my shoulder and looks into my eyes,
“Beth, you have been disappointed; I know I am disappointed too. I will never leave you and I will always come and find you, but now you have to make a choice. Are you going to be a one of the many people in the audience of others lives, or are you going to be a player? I don’t need another person to fill a seat and watch; I need someone who will play. I know you are hurt, and it is your choice…but I will always come and find you.”
My choice audience…
Get ready for a player…