Friday, September 19, 2008

Hard to Recieve the Healing

I don’t want to be better. I know sounds strange, sounds weird, and sounds a bit irrational. Maybe it is.

I am realizing that I am healing, I am doing well, and I have come so far. Each moment, each breath, each day, brings new life, new meaning, new hope- and it is good… So good!

Healing brings letting go, and living, without a growing belly, without a baby, without a child to bring up. It is facing reality and being okay with what God has asked you to go through. It’s knowing you can’t change it, and even if asked if you wanted to change it, you would realize you don’t, that this is really God’s best.

Healing is good, it is refreshing, it is comforting, it is sometimes acting as though you are healed even when you don’ t always feel it, because you feel in your heart it is coming. Healing washes over you, it brings you to the shore of new realization and hope for the future. Healing is living.
I admit that as though I love the healing, sometimes I don’t want to accept it, I don’t want to embrace it, I don’t want to admit that I am “doing well.” I don’t want people to forget. I feel as though if I don’t live in the healing that is it is staying in remembrance of Judah. That if I am healed, that if I am well, that if I am living then it is forgetting.

However - healing is not forgetting, in fact it is remembering, it is appreciating the life God has given you and walking the journey in honor of your lost one. It is bringing Glory to God and allowing people to witness your healing.

So I admit, I am healing- I am doing well, and although I still have so far to go, I am realizing I have come so far, and that I can’t feel guilty about living, laughing, and hoping!

I have given myself freedom to grieve, and I will continue to give myself freedom to grieve, to have dark days, to rest in the moment of sorrow when it shows itself or overtakes me. Now I give myself freedom to live, to hope, to move forward. Never forgetting and never leaving behind- Just letting go to live!

1 comment:

A Voice of One... of the Disenchanted. said...

Beth,

I just happened to come upon your blog. I don't have any words other than you, my sister, are amazing. You're strength and trust in the Father is so evident in you. I know it's been a long time, but I love you.

Grace and Peace,
Mandolyn

You can (semi)catch up with me if you want at www.mandeeorrell.blogspot.com. I just started blogging again.