Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sleep

Sleep has been weighing on my mind and has become a frustration on many mornings and nights. I find it difficult to fall asleep on most nights before one in the morning, sometimes later than that. I read, toss and turn, try counting sheep and end up frustrated that I can’t seem to make my weary eyes and tired body cave into the sleep it so is longing for. It is the morning that is killing me, I can’t wake up. I hate waking up, I hate knowing it is time to get up, and I hate forcing my eyes open. I am exhausted in the morning and want in many ways to sleep the rest of the day away. But if I stay in bed past nine then I feel as though I am wasting the day and end up feeling lazy. So we are trying some new things.

First night- I attempted to go to bed with Kevin (which I normally do, I just read until 1am or so…) and tried falling asleep on my own. This did not prove to work, I still was up, tossing and turning and naming the sheep I was counting… Oscar..1…Toby…2…Cinderella..3…Mozzarella Ball…oh wait I am just hungry… Anyway that tactic did not work and in fact I was up later than normal cause I was stressed about getting up the next morning, which I was suppose to get up at 7:30 to go work out, instead I rolled out of the bed at 10:ish…

Next night- Maybe if I took one of my sleeping pills it would help me fall asleep sooner than later. Took the pill at 10pm fell asleep at 10:45- it worked and I hardly woke up!! Yay I found a solution…not quite, it made me so incredible sleepy that I was still unable to get of bed before nine. This morning it brought tears to my eyes, I want to so badly to be on some kind of schedule. I also notice that if I can just get up three days a week and make it to my spinning class it really seems to help me with the depression I know I am battling… but I can’t seem to get over the hump.

The bad sleeping pattern started the moment I was pregnant with Judah- I did not sleep well at all. Then when we found out about Judah and knew we would be losing the pregnancy the sleep got worse. When I was pregnant with Eddie and went into the emergency room someone told me that if I had not come in that night I might have fallen asleep and just never woken up, not something you want to tell someone who already deals with fear and worry. So when Judah happened and I had to wait the four days before surgery I would always think to myself… “What if I fall asleep tonight and I don’t wake up in the morning…” With all my body has been through the last year: two pregnancies, two surgeries, tons of medicine, lack of sleep, and grief, it is a wonder I am functioning the way I am.

And so it leads me to these questions…
Do I not want to get up because I really am exhausted?
Do I not want to get up because I am lazy?
Do I not want to get up because I don’t want to face the reality that is easy to escape when I sleep?
Do I need to push myself to get up?
Do I need to let my body continue to heal or does my body even need healing, or is this all mental or….?

OH I just don’t know, those are just a few of the questions I face every day, every minute, every moment. On top of all this my nurse called yesterday with what we were hoping good news, she thought I was done getting my blood taken…but I am not I have to continue on down this road. Yes I am healing, yes I have come so far, and I laugh, joke, get out, and look normal. But there are moments when I realize that the storm has cleared to give me a chance to breathe, but it is still thundering, and the rain and wind will pick up soon.