Today is Sunday. If you have followed me in this journey then you know just how hard Sundays are for me, call it what you might; depression, fear, grief, anger or whatever you want to label it, I don’t care, all I know is that Sundays are hard days for me.
This one did not start any differently, it was hard, but I knew I needed to go, just as I knew I needed to go last week as well. If I feel that turning in my spirit and I know God will give me the strength I need to walk into those doors, all I have to do is…walk through those doors. I always take deep calming breaths before I enter into the church. I always prepare myself to make it through worship without losing it, to receive hugs without melting into that person arms, to sit through the teaching without having someone have to pick me up off the floor. I am constantly in preparation. Today was no different- at first.
I have a hard time allowing myself the freedom to let go, and I really believe that ever since Judah I had only let myself go once; 4 in the morning on the night we found out, deep despair had found its way into our home, and swept over us. That was then and I was afraid to go back to that. I have told Kevin on more than one occasion that I was scared to let go, if I did I might never return.
I think that maybe this was one of the many reasons church was so hard. When you are at church you are faced with emotion of worship when the Spirit so heavily falls into the room, you can do nothing to fight against the tears as he gently calls your name to Him. I had done well in the 5 Sundays that I had made it to church since Judah, I was able to stand there let tears fall but I still had control over every emotion I was feeling. I would not let myself go. Until today.
Today was breakthrough, and not because I forced it, and not because the “right” song was sung, and not because of what someone said or did not say, it was because today was God’s day. He unlocked the tears, the emotion, and all the things I tried so hard to keep at bay- he let them out and they flooded upon me like much needed rain.
Even now as I write, the emotion is still so overwhelming, you can’t have God unlock all those things and go back to the way things were. There is an automatic freedom that is given to you, and not because of anything I did, but because of God.
I am learning so much, one thing is so apparent in this journey- you cannot walk this right or wrong, you can’t disappoint God, and you can’t mess up what is His divine plan. God knew that today was coming; I did not know it was coming but it was not a surprise to God as I let things go. I could have tried to force something like this last week but it would not have been as beautifully transparent and rich as it was today. Today was his perfect time for breakthrough- it was exactly what He wanted.
I am finding so much freedom within in this journey, today God revealed the freedom to let go. It is not every day and sweet Kevin gets a firsthand view of the ups and downs and good and bad. But in the midst of it all there is freedom in the Lord, freedom to be and walk and grieve and even have breakthrough, because where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM! And I can confidently say, I have the spirit of the Lord. The breakthrough was always there, he just released it today, and I responded!