Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Content in the Midst of Wanting

Being a wife never meant more to me then now. I have been thinking about this a lot, why I never appreciated it as much as I do now. I really believe that before we lost Judah I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I would go through the pregnancy test like it was candy; I would count my days, monitor myself and get upset every time the little plastic test yelled at my face that my dreams were not coming true that month.

When we found out that we were pregnant with Judah I was more than excited- I really think I believed that now that I was pregnant my life was going to began. That my hopes, dreams, and aspirations were being fulfilled just like I wanted it to. My obsessions, my need for a child, were being fulfilled and I was ready to really start my life. My prayers had been answered. Then the unbelievable happened, the nightmare, the thing you only read about in your books, or watch other people go through, the thing you fear, but never really think is going to happen to you. But It happened.

Now? Well now I am living, I am enjoying serving my husband, I am enjoying what may seem small tasks but they are not small to me. And I am loving it. Is it possible to be content in the midst of wanting something? I think that it is, because today for the first time in a long time, I am content, even though the longing and desire to one day hold a baby of my own in my arms is still present, still burning, but not quenching my thirst to live!