Thursday, September 11, 2008

What a Week

What a week it has been! I wanted to make sure that I did my best to make the week go as fast as possible, so I planned many activities which included: Trip to the farmers market, trip to Greenville for some mom and daughter shopping, night out with my sister in law, babysitting for my sister, dinner with my brother and sister, a day of making salsa, trip to Charlotte to visit my cousin for the weekend, which has brought me to Thursday almost Friday! This means that my sweet husband will be home Sunday and this make my heart so happy!

It really has been a good week, even though the absence of Kevin leaves my heart in a constant ache for his embrace. I am thankful I have stayed busy however; I look forward to getting back into a normal schedule. I am enjoying my time here with Amy (my cousin) and already feel so relaxed and thankful for our friendship. She is a kindred spirit whose heart knows grief. She has two beautiful children, Selah, who soars on the wings of heaven, and Kai who brings laughter and joy into the home.

I have not had a lot of time to think for I have been so busy, funny how even when you are busy your heart is still stuck in grief and heaviness, even when you don’t have time to think about it. I am thankful that week so far has swept me up and kept me moving. I had some precious quiet time on my 2 hour drive from Hendersonville to Charlotte, and this time I embraced with the Lord and let the thoughts run over me.

Today I got my blood results back from this month’s blood work, you have to understand how badly I want these to be done, I am tired and am ready to get over the “molar pregnancy” but I feel as though I cannot truly move on when I still have to get my blood taken. I was, we were all praying, it would be zero, and it was 6 the last time I went in. For those of you totally lost when you get pregnant your (hormone) level rises, mine was extremely high and now they have to make sure it drops to zero and stays there. I feel as though if I can get to zero this would be a huge, HUGE step forward…it was 3….3….oh man I was just so ready for it to be zero. I am so thankful that they are not rising, and with each test I am more and more clear from the cancer, but I can’t start trying until it is zero, I am ready for it to be zero.

God has a perfect plan and I do rest in his palm, I claim his healing and I move forward the best that I can, even though life circumstances seem to keep my body in a still position when it comes to wanting a family. I have to give my wanting to God every day, I can’t live in the wanting, I must live in the present moment and being content and that is what I struggle with. I am trying to be content, in the grief, in the waiting, in the moment, in the journey.