Monday, September 8, 2008

Letting Go to Live

Kevin is somewhere in the air, over the sea, and on a plane to Germany. He left this morning, I stood in the driveway watching him leave and begging God to protect him and bring him home to me soon. I have always know I struggle with fear, worry and doubt, but ever since this journey of loosing and wanting so bad, I find myself battling it even more.

I think when tragedy hits you; you are left feeling so vulnerable and breakable. I never in a million years thought God would ask me to walk a journey of not only waiting for a family but also giving my dreams of two babies up. It breaks my heart but also makes me realize that my child hood dreams of never being harmed are far from truth.

There are times in your life when you must grow up, you know when it happens and it can either deepen your walk with the Lord or make you bitter… it can leave you stronger, or harder, it can make you see things in a new light, or darken your perspective…either way change happens, growth happens.

Kevin and I are growing up, and it is painful at times. But there are those moments for both of us, when we look into each other’s eyes and we remember when we first got married. We remember our carefree days before all this pain, but we would not go back, because the loss and heartache on this journey has only deepened our relationship, strengthened our walk with the Lord, and made us sensitive to others walking the journey.

Yes pain is going to come, yes things are going to hurt, but it is all out of Love of God, and it is all in the perspective of how you look at things. Are you willing to see the love even in the greatest pain? Though all these thoughts seem so easy to write out, they are harder to live. It is hard for me to open my hands up to the father and trust him with everything I have, but I realize nothing is mine, and I can’t truly live unless I spread my wings and fly- I can’t fly holding onto things…I must let go to truly live.