Friday, September 5, 2008

Oh Lord

What is it you want me to write Lord, what it is that you want my fingers to spell out? What sentence do you want me to create? I am desperate and I am alone, all I can feel are my dreams falling down in a rushing cascade and crashing at the bottom. They leave their broken pieces for me to pick up, what good can come from this? What great thing must I learn? When will the pain just ease a little and leave me feeling refreshed rather than broken down and desperate? What is it you want from me Lord, why is it you have called my name and my life on this journey? Why have you asked me to walk the rocks, climb the mountain, and stumble to the top? Why is this journey leaving me so breathless and so clouded in my thoughts? Why can’t I be strong, be willing, and be okay with this? Why must this be so hard Lord? I hate doubting you, I hate asking why, I hate feeling as though the questions mark my disbelief and lack of faith; can it not be that I am asking because I do in some way and form long to have a conversation with you.

I seek your face, long to see you in the darkness, and stumble with my fears and doubts. I climb the mountain, bruise and broken and longing to be healed by the healer and lover of my soul. I want clarity and I find confusion, I want answers and find more questions. Is this part of my journey, is this part of the mountain I must continue to climb, and is the part of the storm? I have to believe this is it, this is the journey, this is the road, there is no turning back, no running away, and there is no Y in the path, no other street to take. I must walk it, I must face it, I must climb it, but I can’t do it without you. If I have in some way run from your stable hand to do this on my own, I am sorry, please Lord, I need your light, I need your direction…It is cold, dark, and scary without your warmth, light, and peace.

I may not know what to write, I may not know what to say, I may not know my heart from day to day, but you know. You know my thoughts, my confusion, my questions, fears, and doubts. You don’t throw them away; you embrace them and use them! Thank you for using them. I will walk this Lord, but only because you walk it with me. As we walk this path, climb this mountain and stumble to the top I have some questions and some doubts I hope you can help me sort out.

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