Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm Inside, Outside, Upright Downright, a Mess of a Beth ALL THE TIME!

The Blog is twofold, I will post the continuation to this one later tonight, but I did not want to overwhelm you with such a long blog!

I can see how those looking into my journey- reading my ups and downs would see many contradicting entries. I too, have spent many hours re-reading my entry’s and am amazed at how many ups and downs, lefts and rights, backwards and forwards, and turns that it has taken. But is that not life? One day you feel one thing and the next day you feel something different. I believe it is a part of grief; I am not sure because all I can go by is what I am going through, how I am feeling from moment to moment, right or wrong.

I do need to say that I write this blog, this journey, for me, to help me get some of my emotions out. It has been a gift for some of you, as many of you have captured my vision and my heart. It has brought new friendships, of those who have found my blog and related to what I have written. It has helped those of you who have a loved one who is going through something similar, and given you an insight on a broken, grief stricken, heart.

However, I know, that it has become a frustration to many of you, not knowing what to say, when to say or how to say something. I also understand that it has made some people feel as though they really “know” me through the blog, because I am so transparent and vulnerable when I write. I try not to hold back. I honestly have to say, one more time that more than anything my blog is really just for me, and for God, he has given me freedom to write. It is a small peek hole into the journey, but it will never ever give you a full view. It is just a puzzle piece.

I know that many of you want a full view, want to feel as though my blog, my writings, my sharing, has somehow given you the right to offer advice and tell me what things I am doing wrong or right. This has happened many times, not just once. I am not angry and I am not mad, but sometimes it is too much advice. I know you really care so if you really feel as though something needs to be said and you are truly losing sleep over my situation please feel free to contact KEVIN, or even send an email to MY MOM, they are in the mud with me and they know my heart, they can hear the advice and maybe even ease your heart a bit.

I know you want to hear from me, talk to me personally, but I am telling you honestly I am too weak to speak, to go over and over what it is that I am going through, that is why God has given me a select group of people who are walking the journey with me- and even they always recognizing that they are just “walking” it with, me, they are not the ones living it. Even Christ had his select 12, and if you read through His life, he was even closer to two of them!