I Can't Change It...

I stand here in vulnerability and humbleness, I know no eyes are on me, but all I feel are the stares of people as they watch me in what is now an awkward place, and I can’t change it.

I stand as a mother with empty arms, and I am keenly aware of every mother who stands around me. I see them as they slip out to check on their child, as they play with their daughter’s hair, or as they tell their stories of something their child did this week, and I see the love in their eyes, I stand awkwardly in this place, looking in the glass window, this is not where I belong, and I can’t change it.

I am surrounded by hands lifted high, and voices praising God, and all I can do is stand, I can’t move, I can’t open my mouth, I can’t lift my hands, I used to be able to and now, well now It is just too hard, and just to awkward, and I can’t change it.

I watch my husband’s sad eyes, I see his concerning face, I know his heart is breaking, and I can’t change it.

All I can do is stand, and even this is difficult, my legs are weak and my body is tired, and my spirit is broken, my heart aches for something that was, and I can’t change it.

I praise God in the quietness of my heart, I seek his face in the darkness of the night, and I love him even in the midst of my awkwardness, I may not be able to change anything, but I can turn my heart to God. He is holding my babies, making them laugh and telling them stories of their mommy and daddy- I can’t change it- and I don’t want to….