Saturday, August 11, 2007

Where has Beth Been?

I have gotten this question in so many different forms and from so many different people. The question is actually not that easy to answer. Yes of course I could give the normal response of "around" or "oh you know here or there." I could also give an actual location such as "Uh...North Carolina" or "In my new house at my new desk with my new computer..." But to be truly honest no one is asking the question with those answers in mind. So I have decided to tell you where Beth has really been. It is not easy to vulnerable, or honest, you are never quite sure of the outcome or the response of the party who is hearing the truth. I feel as though in life right now, being honest may help some of you really understand "Where Beth has been."

As many of you know and as some of you might not know, I have been challenged beyond words or comprehension the last year. God has been stretching me, breaking me and refining me through so many events in my life. Zi my dog getting bit by the rattle snake, moving to NC, my husband starting a new job, leaving many friends in CO, selling our house, buying a new house, staying at my parents house, and sending my husband to Korea have just been minor things. The most impacting thing in my life that many of you do not know about was loosing my baby. You might be reading this and thinking to yourself that I never had a baby, but I was never ready to talk about it until now.

Two weeks before Kevin excepted his job in NC I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. You can imagine Kevin and mine excitement and surprise as we took in a new move and the hope and dream of a new little Tanner. I was more then excited, and sick as some of you remember....
When I went in for my first ultrasound they could not find my baby, they were concerned and thought that I had miscarried my first little baby. The next morning they called informing me that I was still pregnant and that I needed to wait a week. This is probably the time that I fell off the face of the earth. I was put on bed rest, I was scared, confused and sad and trying to embrace my growing baby everyday. A week later I found myself in the emergency room about to go under for surgery, my baby was in my fallopian tube and if they did not remove the baby we would both die. On may 31, 2007 at 5:00am the Lord took home mine and Kevin's first little one. Even now it is hard to talk about.

You know what I am learning through all of this? That it is okay to be angry, upset, mad, and emotional with God. He knows your heart anyway why not tell him and that is exactly what I am trying to do. During these tough days I have not been the Beth you know, I don't even know myself at this moment in time. It is an accomplishment if I get out of bed in the morning and put two feet in front of the other, and to believe that God really does work out everything for his Glory!

Many of you call and email which I cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate. But I need you to know I am not talking to many people right now. I can't explain it and I am not sure how long I will be this way. I turn my phone off a lot because it make me anxious...I know crazy. But remember I am just trying to be as honest as I can and I need you all to know about this! I do not want any of you thinking that I am ignoring you or not wanting to talk. I love you all and miss everyone!
Thanks for the prayers and support!

1 comment:

Maddie said...

Beth i am so proud of you. I love you so much. I know how it is to go through so much and feel like God is so far away. Everyday i think of something you have told me or helped me with. I think of all the times we had together. I remeber the last day i saw you as we were driving away, and the first night i met you. You are the most amazing person in my life. I dont know how many times ive said this but i think about it everyday, without you i would be far far from where i am now. Thank you Beth. Thank you.