I am on my way to the dr. in a few minutes and I wanted to sit down once more and write out my thoughts. I was up until 2:30am last night with some cramping. This of course brings on the ifs, remembering the past, and of course fear. All of these things are not of the Lord. I have really been struggling with staying focused on the Lord, he has done this amazing thing for us and now I am fearful, WHY? Many of you would probably tell me that it is okay to be scared, I mean I almost lost my life last time, but i cannot allow Satan to take my joy. No matter what happens to me I believe in a big God, and I know everything is in his hands, his control and I know that he loves me and this baby. I refuse to live in the past, to stay there in fear and not enjoy this baby for as long as God allows me to carry them. I pray with my whole heart that I get to bring this baby to its earthly home, that we get to look into their eyes and see who we think they look like. But this baby is not mine, they are the Lords from day one I must leave my hands open. I want this child to have a heart for the Lord so I freely give this child back to God daily. I will be honored if the Lord allows Kevin and I the privilege of being this child's parents, but ultimately God is this child's father, he has the final say in this child's life. I believe this is something I will be grasping for the rest of my life!
My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and anticipation of the days, weeks, months and years to come!