Why I do What I do...

It was a good weekend, so nice having Kevin home which helps me immensely. We did not do much, but our doing nothing actually is a lot because there is constant healing and grieving taking place.

While taking a couple of days off from blogging, I was thinking a lot about why I have been keeping this up. I kept asking myself why it has been such a gift to write and once again God revealed new truth and wonders to me, that now I get to share with you.
I have always enjoyed writing in a journal, I believe I get this from my dad. Over the years dad has scripted each of us kids a beautiful journal that he kept for a year or maybe more of his life. Each page holding nuggets of advice, truth, and love. I have taken time to read mine, given to me almost 8 years ago I still enjoy pulling it out grabbing a cup of coffee and reading a couple of pages, holding onto every word, even if it is just about his friends in the coffee shop or how he made a mess in the house and mom was upset. As I have gotten older, and am now married, when I read what he has written over again I understand much more about him, the business, and most importantly about how much he loves us. This is a gift I believe my dad has passed down to me. I enjoy writing but not just for me, for everyone in hopes that it will bring small nuggets of truth into your life as well and a new perspective on someone situation maybe not just mine! When you look into someones life and journey it is so easy to judge how things are going, that everything may look great from the outside so you assume everything is great on the inside as well. But it is hard to vocalize all that is going on, it is hard to come up with the courage, and even harder to find the right words at the right time. Which is why writing on this blog has been such a gift. It is letting people in, without feeling to overwhelmed by all the questions and what you might feel as judgement. When I started writing this it was mostly for me, over the last couple of weeks it has transformed into a way for me to communicate not only to my family but friends,and strangers too. It is such a gift to me because now I have a documentation of this journey, being able to one day grab a cup of coffee and read through all that we have been through. My prayer for this writing though goes so much deeper then that, it is my hope that I will give you a look into someones journey of grief so that maybe it will help you understand your daughter, friend, coworker, or whoever it maybe, that is walking the journey of loosing a child, or going through any kind of grief. I know sometimes it is so hard understanding those going through it, you don't know why they have changed so much, you don't know why it is so hard for them to be around mothers with young children, you don't understand their dark days and you feel like you can never ever say the right thing,(I am so sorry it is rare that people say the right thing). I pray I bring that understanding. I know you will never be able to truly comprehend it, and with everyone it is always different. Grief is unique, never the same to anyone even if it is a very similar situation. I know this writing has been such a gift for me, this is my way of connecting right now, of sharing my heart, of being as vulnerable as I can be, so that when you see me and I am smiling you can know a little bit of what is going on this inside. SO thank you for reading, for taking time, and for wanting to understand my journey, it means the world to Kevin and I!

A Look Inside my Hard day...

The sun is shinning, it is a good feeling that it is the weekend, and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful day. However nothing seems to make the emptiness that I feel more today go away. Some days are just harder then others and I am not sure why. Some days I wake up with a renewed energy and outlook on my situation, other days I feel so empty and wonder how I am going to put one foot in front of the other, this is one of those day. I know it will be okay, I know that I will get through it, and I know that even though it feels empty God is right next to me, holding my hand, catching my tears and singing over me. A great deal of how I feel is coming from the hormonal journey my poor body has been on. My levels rising high above 100,000 and then within a week dropping to 1700, it effects you in more ways then you know. So I find that I have very little energy some days, and am extremely tired even though I have slept a ton. It is learning to find peace in these days and letting them sweep you up for a moment, it is part of the healing. I miss my baby that never was, I miss being pregnant and can't help but wonder what my swelling belly would look like if all had been okay. I miss planning the nursery which is now once again the office, I miss picking out cute little outfits, I just miss somthing very much. This is so hard. It is so hard to wake up and have to take birth control, it seems so odd that we can't even try for six months. It is just so hard to surrender your dreams for his dreams, even though you know deep down inside, his dreams are far better then you could ever imagine.
Today is just a hard day....

Time- an Extended Retreat

It has been three weeks today since we found out, and just under two weeks since we officially lost Judah. In so many ways I can't believe it has been this long, in other ways I can't believe how little time has past. There have been so many days that I wish there was no time, we just existed and we did not calculate our lives by minutes, hours, days or weeks. I feel so much pressure from time. It is time to get up, it is time to go back to this or that, it is time for Kevin to go to work, time will heal....and so on. And honestly I am just so sick of time. So I am trying my hardest to just be in the moment and not think about the future. I have found that in my thinking I am making a schedule for my grief, for example this would be one of my never ending annoying thoughts...

"Okay it has been almost three weeks, I should probably be back to my normal self by a month, cooking and cleaning and going to church, if I don't then what will people think, so maybe next week I will try to cook every night, and we will only eat out once a week, and I will try and get out more, and call more people and get up with Kevin and...."

It gives me a headache and what I have found is that when I have those thoughts I only fail myself and feel like I fail the people around me.

Some of my best days look something like this....

7:40am Kevin kisses me good bye

9:45am finally I get up

10:00am take dogs out to the fence and get my coffee

And then the rest of the day has no schedule, I just live in the moment. I find myself most free on those days and what I fear the most is when those days will began to fade away. I was telling my family last night that this "time" God has given me has been best described in my mind as an extended retreat. I think God wants people to have this "time" away with him, he causes things to happen in our lives so that we are face to face with just Him, but many people pass up the opportunity to spend an extended retreat with the maker of the universe, because the world is telling them it is "time" to move on. I would not trade this "Time" for anything, even though it took great pain to get here. It is not that I don't want to be around people, or to go places and do things, it is that I physically and emotionally can't make myself. And I once again need to be OKAY with this. So just think of Beth on an extended retreat- cause in many ways I am!

Here is my pool at my "cottage"

Here is who I have allowed to be with me on this retreat:

See Through my Actions to my Heart

An outlet for Kevin and I recently has been Kevin's softball team. Only a handful of the men on the team know what we have been through, they never really talk to me, and usually I am the only fan sitting in the bleachers watching them, usually yelling some ridiculous team cheer that never makes since according to the game of softball, but at least I am there! On occasions there is a wife and a young baby that come and watch their daddy play. On those nights I tense up and try my hardest to find a spot where I can't see them. And this is what I want to write about today!
This particular blog is for mothers of young children, mothers to be, and mothers who have lost a precious child.

Last night, that young family was there. I tried my hardest to stay put even though they kept getting closer to where I was, and not make eye contact with them. Finally out of desperation I stand up, leave everything where it is, walk to the completely other side and ask Kevin to fetch our things. I noticed particularly last night that this young mother must notice that I am avoiding her, as she watched once again my stuff disappear around the corner. I am sure she thinks I am the most antisocial, rude, and unfriendly person she has ever met. I felt just horrible, if you know me at all you know this is not my heart and in any other moment in my life I would have most likely commented on how cute her baby was, and then struck up a conversation with her. You may even be reading this and be thinking to yourself, "How rude Beth, that baby is a gift, a joy, why would you not want to look at something so precious?" Oh how I wish I could, please know I wish I could. But I can't, it is painful and it hurts my heart so badly that the only thing I know to do is to escape.

If you have ever lost a child, or have had difficulty getting pregnant I am pretty sure you are nodding your head in agreement, knowing exactly how I feel. You understand the way your heart sings for joy and breaks with sorrow with the announcement of one of your siblings, family members or close friends finding out they are pregnant. Joy because it is a miracle and every part in you is genuinely happy for them, but sorrow because that is all your heart wants, and God asking you to wait. It is easier for me to walk away, to take sometime with the Lord to get my heart clear and focused, and I am sorry if this offends you. If you are mother with young children, I see in your eyes pure joy and pride of your child, thinking they are the cutest and most adorable baby on the planet. You walk in to a store and you in a way expect eyes to turn, because people love babies, I get this, and one day I hope to experience it. But don't be offended if someone looks away, or does not ewe and ah over your new little one, who knows what that persons story is.

One day, as the healing continues to come I will be able to hold an infant, to look at pregnant women, and to enjoy a young family watch their daddy play softball. I will embrace it, love it and find joy in it, but I can promise deep down in side there will be a little sting as I remember the days of how hard it was.

Once again I am having to remind myself, it is okay. It is okay because God knows my heart, it is okay because the healing is continuing to sweep over me and I am embracing it. I know that my joy for those mothers is real and authentic, you just might not be able to see it through my actions right now, but that will come. If you are a mother who has never lost a child, who got pregnant quickly and read this and really don't understand it, accept it, and try your hardest to know our hearts. We don't mean to be rude and antisocial, we are dealing the best way we know how. I am dealing the best way I know, look beyond our actions to our heart and there you will see joy and sorrow standing hand in hand, as we sit back and watch you walk through life with your new little one.

Still need a laugh?

Not sure what I should blog about today...so here is another video of my favorite little boy...This always brings smiles to my face, Thanks Aunt Kim!!!

New Floors

4 weeks after starting, we now have beautiful solid Maple floors on the main level of our house. We decided to put in hardwood floors in order to create a healthier house for our new child that we were expecting a few weeks ago. It turns out that this gift for our child (or so we thought) has instead been a gift for the two of us. It has been a project for me to work on to get my mind off of the heaviness we've experienced. And Beth and I have really enjoyed the change our house has experienced.

We finished the living room the night before we heard the devastating news that we wouldn't be bringing a child home in December. I'm really glad that God allowed us to finish that stage so we could relax for a while.

Here's a picture of the finished floor:

If you'd like to see more I have also uploaded some onto Picasaweb, feel free to check them out at http://picasaweb.google.com/KATanner/NewFloors

Heaviness

The heaviness that Kevin and I experience everyday never seems to go away. Last night the weight of it broke us down and we both wept together as the reality of what is going on once again washed over us. I do not think it is because we are in denial or trying to fake our way through life everyday, I believe that in the midst of grief life must go on. This is true for anyone who has lost anything or anybody in there life. You feel like the world should stop, don't they understand what has just happened? But it can't, it must move forward and with its ever moving waves it moves you right along with it, whether you want to or not.
Last night as we sat in a dark room on the bed and cried, one of the questions that kept crawling all over us was 'is there really a God?" You may read this and think a couple of different thoughts, one being "I thought they were all in to praising this God that now they ask is he even really real...." Let me explain my heart the best way I know how.

When we lost Eddie, it hit me hard. I went into a severe depression for many reasons and felt as though everything I thought I knew to be true was now a false lie. I argued with God for many months, because not only did we have to let go of our first born but also in the months to come, we kept getting negative pregnancy tests. It seemed so unfair to loose a child and then not be able to conceive. Now I craved being pregnant even more then I did before I got pregnant, because I understood the joy and love that came with seeing that positive test! We have gotten so many emails and phone calls from many of you encouraging us by saying it is okay to be angry with God, but please hear me when I say, I have been there and done that. I have wrestled with God for months, I have yelled, cried, screamed at him and in the end laid at his feet broken and confused. Then the healing came, it came through church, new found friendship, family, and most of all in undeniable, unbelievable love. One of the times I felt the healing the most was when my dear friend Daniel was in the hospital. I would stay many nights with him and God was present in that room, the arms of God wrapped so tightly around my soul as he sung his healing words over my broken and weary heart, even in the midst of such a scary and dark storm. It was then I knew that even in our most darkest places, God is present, even if you don't realize it.

Weeks and months went by, and although we were still in the midst of trying to conceive, our clarity with the Lord was strong. But we still had and still have a lot of learning, and Judah was conceived and I believe this pregnancy is saving us. We started getting wrapped up in doing everything right, if we do everything right physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually God will honor us and we will get a child. We began praying specific prayers about getting pregnant or adopting, asking God to reveal his answer. This is where Kevin and I are really start asking the tough questions. We received many words from the Lord from friends and family confirming that we were pregnant. I at the time would not allow myself to believe, in fear of being disappointed. This pregnancy from the moment it started was instantly labeled "such a God pregnancy." The weeks following finding out about Judah were nothing less then exciting. We decided to tell our church, even though it was early and I was a little fearful we kept hearing the advice "Don't let Satan rob you of your joy, everything is going to be okay!" Everything was not okay, then all of the sudden we were hearing "This is not from God, this pregnancy and what has happened is straight from the pit of hell..." How can we go from such joy, and praise to utter sorrow and cursing. Can you see what we are going through? Can comprehend the mix of emotions that we experience? I am having to go back to the basics, and what I am discovering in many ways is that God is love, God is who is says he is "I am the I am." How can we judge what we think is good or evil? Our judgement comes from our current situation which seems horrific, but if God is love, then this happening is out of love and nothing less. It is hard to comprehend sometimes, but I am in no state to tell God what he should do, and in many ways I was. Is God real? Yes. deep down inside without out a shadow of doubt I know that my God is real. My flesh, my everyday sin, my selfishness, questions whether he is real. My heart, my soul, the depths of who I am, knows that God is real.
I just know, that right now Kevin and I have heaviness following us around. You may see us out walking dogs, or grocery shopping, buying something at Lowe's, and we smile, and we talk to you and we will leave and the heaviness follows. There will be days, where the heaviness will be to heavy and we will break with the weight of it, and in our brokenness we meet Christ. Just know the heaviness is not for you to take, not for you to fix, not for you to question or judge. It is ours, and we are getting through it. Years will go by and many of you will forget what we have been through, or maybe you will remember in a fleeting thought, but I can promise you that even then, our sorrow of the loss of our two children will never go away. It will change, it will grow, it will take on a new color, new feeling, but it will always be there, and it is ours. It will bind Kevin and I together making us so close in heart and in spirit. It already has changed us, made us real, and made our relationship with the Lord grounded deeper into the soil of life!

I just need to laugh

Some days I just need to laugh..... hope this brings a smile to your face!

The Shack

As I was confronted with the events of my life the last couple of weeks, there have been many suggestions of what books to read. With Eddie, the books on having a miscarriage or loosing a child were helpful, if you have ever read any of these books you would probably agree that once you have read one you have read them all. This time around with Judah I was not in any mood to read any of the books of such categories, so when my youth pastor from years ago, Randall Popham suggested The Shack I was not sure what kind of book I was getting into. When I went to buy it I was surprised to see it on the New York best seller, and even more excited when I saw that it was fiction, exactly what I needed. This book has been blowing me out of the water, (which who knows what this phrase really means if you think about it....I am not in any water as I am writing this...). The book has been a friend on some of my sleepless nights and darkest days. I am amazed at how many times I have felt like the book was written just for me, thanks Randall for the suggestion! Here is just one example: (not wanting to ruin the book if you have not read it yet, I will refrain from describing to much if I can). Mackenzie is a father who after many years of running from God is invited to meet him in a shack.... Sarayu is described as the Holy Spirit(I hope that is not saying to much...) After blogging last night about being a mess I came up to bed and read this out of the book...

"I didn't do that much, really," he apologized. "I mean, look at this mess." His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. "But it is really beautiful, and full of you, Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here." The two looked at each other and grinned.

Sarayu stepped toward him until she has invaded his personal space. "And well you should, Mackenzie, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive - a living fractal."

(Bold and italics are mine)

As I read this I was overcome with joy in my heart, although I feel like the biggest mess, God see it as beauty, perfectly in process as he wants it to be. It is exciting and a bit scary all wrapped up into one. I hope you get a chance to read this book, I would love to know what you think about it as well! I hope I did not ruin anything for you!

Beth the Mess

"I am a mess." This is my motto from now until I feel like I am not so much a mess, and who knows when that could be. Emotionally I am all over the board and cry not because of "spilt milk" but rather because the mail did not come or because I was getting my hair cut and I did not know what to do, or because I did not know if I wanted to wear sweat pants or jeans. I cannot make any decisions, get anxious if I think i might see someone I know, get nervous in the car, and am proud if I make my bed. Kevin has to repeat questions a hundred times, I tense up if the phone rings and cry if I don't get e-mail. Are you convinced that I am a mess? Well I am, but that is okay. I am learning to find freedom in my life and grief dealing with it one second at a time and having no expectations for myself. My family and closest friends are always gently reminding me all that I have been through when I am feeling disappointed at how I am doing. I am so overwhelmed at moments at what the last year of my life has been like, trying to grasp it as I can. You may not see me around for a while and it is not because I don't want to be around it is because I am to anxious to be around....just give me time and don't have any expectations for me because I will only let you down. Just know that I am not in denial, I am not running away, I am not running from God and I am not falling of the planet, I am just dealing the best way that I can. Daily I fall into the arms of God allowing him to love me and heal me, I praise him and love him and love to be with him, because I know that through all my mess he sees right through to the clarity of my heart, what a comfort!

Jodi Time

So the reason I have not had the time or chance to blog is because my dear friend Jodi has come to visit me. It has been so amazing to have her here since our friendship goes back 8 years and we never have to try when we are with each other. I have appreciated the distraction and the chance to cry when needed, laugh, and just sit-on-the-couch-eat-popcorn-watch-The office-time. What a blessing she has been.

I am doing well, and had my follow up appointment today. My Dr. was so encouraging and said that I am healing well. We just need to keep praying that my levels keep going down and stay down. Emotionally, I know I have a long way to go but because of friends and family we are getting through each day.

Fathers Day

What a very hard day for us as we grieve two losses. It is fathers day, and with this day there is so much emotion wrapped into it.

My first thought is my husband, who maybe by the worlds standard in not a father, but from my standard and Gods standard, Kevin you are very much a father. I dream of the day when Kevin gets to coach his children through life. I know Kevin will be an amazing father because of his tender heart and way to love. If you have ever met Kevin you would probably say what a "genuine guy" he is, and that he is. Kevin is humble, gentle, kind, and beyond all these things has a heart that is sold for his King. He really is my soul mate and I am so very blessed to have him as a husband. You are already an amazing gifted father Kevin, hold on to your dreams and love for your children. God has given you a fathers heart and love for a reason and one day you will pour it out on our children. I love you!

My next thought is my dad, and if you know my dad then a smile probably crossed your face as you thought about Ed Wright. How can you describe Ed in words, I am not sure you can. My dad is the best, his heart for God is indescribable and if you have ever come in contact with him then you have come in contact with Christ. He has always loved me for who I am, not wanting anything more. Always understanding my different and unique way of living life, for a lot of it comes from the way I see him living it. He takes each moment as it comes and has taken every situation and given glory to God. My dad has carried me through some of the hardest times in life, always giving me a good perspective and bringing me back to the love of Christ. I love you dad more then you will ever know, I know when you look at me, you see a lot of you, for this is one of my greatest gifts, I am glad I am like you dad!




Enjoy today dads, hug your kids a little tighter and thank God for them. I know Kevin would give the world to lay eyes on his precious children, So happy fathers day dad's for today should remind you what a gift it is to be a dad, each child being a unique miracle!

A TV,Vacation, Cash, or Car

Every morning when I wake up there is always heaviness that has settled upon Kevin and I. Sometimes I just have to lay there and process all over again just what we are going through. Then I have to give myself pep talks to get out of bed. As the weekend approached Kevin was relieved to have some days off at home but also we were weary of the long days ahead, always asking the question "what do we do?" I have to be extremely careful I do not do to much still needing to rest but we are overwhelmed at being home so much.

So when we got the call that we had been chosen to win one of the four prizes listed in the title we decided "what the heck." So we awoke this morning and went and listened to an hour long talk about a vacation service, got tempted when they took the price of $9,995 for a lifetime membership down to $2,000 dollars. That's right friends, that is even better then what "the employs" get. When they gave us "a few minutes to talk over the unbelievable price" we were have tempted to do it...(they were really convincing....) but as I sat there and prayed in my heart, and looked at Kevin it was like the light went on for both of us... We are in no place to make any kind of lifetime decision. I can't even decide if I want to make the bed in the morning or if I should eat a muffin or a bagel, how in the world am I able to make a decision that would follow us around for a lifetime?

We quickly said "NO....No....thanks but no.....we just can't.....no....we understand but no...." went to the door, scratched of our prize which was a 7 day vacation to Florida and Bahamas, (sounds great but not that great) and got our $25 visa gift card and left. As we were sitting in the car we both started processing all that had just happened, and made a decision right then and there that we were in no form to make any decisions for the next couple of months. Then we celebrated that we had said "NO." God is so good, still leading us and giving us direction in this difficult time. We are so vulnerable that we really need all the protection we can get. When the sales man "Rocky" asked "Why we were passing up this incredible deal" I told him that we had just lost a pregnancy and that we were in no emotional state to make decisions, that will shut them up, or make the price go down!

Sister Time

Today my sister came with her two kids to spend sometime with me. My family has been so good knowing that alone time has not been the best thing for me right now. Her kids kept me entertained and made me laugh, which is always healing to the heart. It is good to be around her, as she ministers to my soul and heart the only way a sister can. She is a blessing and a gift!

I was doing great until I started having severe cramping and bleeding again. Kevin came home and we placed a call into the doctors office which assured us that this was just part of the experience, and nothing to worry about right now. It made us all realize how little time has passed and how my body is still very much on the journey to recovery.

I am sorry I have not called, or replied back to emails. It is difficult to talk and write everyone. I am thankful for this blog as it seems to be a good outlet in letting people know how we are doing and what we are doing. Phone calls are extremely hard and not sure just when this will become easy again, if ever. I am finding I am also so protective of my time, and who I want to be around, just part of dealing I guess. Please know that I read every email, comment or card sent, and they mean the world to me! We really could not make it through if it was not for all the love and support.

Grief

Today was a good day. I spent it with my mom just tagging along with her, and the distraction was good. There was one point when I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom and reading through Matthew. I was reading Christs words reminding me not to worry about tomorrow, we have enough trouble for today.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
This verse struck my heart because I have been so worried about the days to come. God is daily speaking and teaching, even concepts I thought I already comprehended, He shows me in a new light.

I am realizing that each grief, each persons journey, each loss, each story is set apart and different. Even for me, my grief over Eddie is so different then my grief over Judah, you can't compare or comprehend you can only accept. I am realizing that I am overly sensitive about people comments and I think it is because I am protective of my grief. Not wanting anyone to take it or change it or make it something that it is not. This may sound strange, and maybe it is, but once again grief is something you can't really put a definition on for each person. It is just different and that is the way I think it is suppose to be.

Today Facing Tomorrow

Today has been by far the hardest yet. It has been exactly a week since we found out about Judah, 3 days since the surgery, and nearing 7 weeks of knowing we were pregnant. My heart aches more now then it has ever ached, my body feels empty and my mind a mist of confusion. For the last couple days tears did not come easy, I am not sure why this was. Today they have flown free, everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. At moments I am not sure I am going to make it, the grief is so heavy.
Yes I praise my God in the midst of grief, but I am human and the pain is great causing me to stop and pause and I can do nothing but sit in the moment. The question I keep asking over and over through my tears is"what do I do now?" I honestly don't know what to do, where to go, who to call, what to read, so I am left saying "what do I do?"
At the end of each day, especially today I find myself saying, I made it today, I'll make it tomorrow, but please pray I make it tomorrow, because this is hard, this is so very hard. I am suppose to be pregnant now, I am suppose to be celebrating, but that is not my journey right now. I must face tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Lord give me strength to face tomorrow.

His Voice

I have felt so well since the surgery, it has truly amazed me. Everyone close to me is telling me that they feel like they have "Beth back." I have been feeling so well, that straightening my home, putting away dishes, making the bed, all things that were so hard to do a month ago are coming a bit easier for me now. However, as I awoke this morning my body reminds me with cramps, aching body, and a headache, that it was just on a huge journey and not yet recovered. I told Kevin last night that this pregnancy plays games with my head. With Eddie, from the moment I found out we knew something was wrong, since I was bleeding so heavenly. With Judah, besides being extremely sick and tired, I had six weeks of pure joy and anticipation for that baby. So now to be told I was never carrying a baby, and that I am not pregnant now, my mind and emotions can't seem to catch up to the reality that lays at hand. As I brewed a pot of coffee last night, I was thinking I needed to make sure it was decaf because I didn't want to drink any caffeine while I "am" pregnant, then I catch myself, I am not pregnant. Sometimes I just have to say it over and over in my head, and I hate saying it.
People have been so wonderful and encouraging with words, but I am struggling with one phrase that seems to come up a lot, "don't worry you'll get pregnant again..." How do we know this? There is no guarantee, people also said while I was pregnant "Oh don't worry nothing bad is going to happen..."
The only person who should be able to say this to Kevin and I is the father, he is the only one who knows. As Kevin and I hope that we get pregnant again, we also go before the throne with open hands. One of the amazing truths that God has shown me on this journey is that His voice is the only voice I place my hope in. I know God speaks through people I don't doubt that one second, however if he speaks through someone to us, we need to spend time seeking his voice to make sure that is what he wanted us to hear. That is why I keep saying that this journey is about getting to know the fathers voice, that is what my daily prayer is.

Healing

As I awoke this morning I was amazed at how at peace my spirit was. I slept the best I have slept in months. I can't believe how well I am feeling and am just now realizing just how sick I really was. It feels good to feel myself again. I know there will be dark days ahead, and I know that Satan will try and feed me lies about my God and about my body. I have already had to fight away the thoughts of failure. Those words are not truth.

Today was a quiet day, as Kevin went to work and for the first time in many days I had sometime alone. I am still so torn between knowing we need to return to normal life and wanting to stay in this moment of grief and recovery. In so many ways I feel as though moving forward I am leaving behind that last ounce of pregnancy. I can't believe that a week ago Kevin and I were talking names, nursery ideas and I was looking up bedding for our crib, to not being pregnant and now not even being able to try. You really just never know what a day or an hour can bring you.

I am being refined in the fire as God is revealing so many things to me. My spirit is quietly listening for the fathers voice, knowing that in it I will find comfort, security and hope.
Many people have told Kevin and I that they could not praise God after going through what we have been through, but I say in response to that, you never know until you are in the midst of it. I can honestly say that I would fear the worst about this pregnancy telling God that if anything happened I am not sure that I could handle it, but HE is my strength, HE is my comfort, in HIM we find our joy and peace. The only thing we are doing is falling into his arms of Grace and Love.

Moving foward

I am laying on my couch, just had a bowl of chicken corn soup brought by my dear sister, and dosing in and out of sleeping. I can't even begin to express to all of you what a relief it is to have this behind me. It went better then the dr. could have imagined. As I woke up Dr. Arcara (my Doctor who is the best!) said I asked immediately if she had to do a hysterectomy, and she replied with a "no". A flood of relief and renewed hope washed over me all at once. I am feeling better now then I have in months. My levels are already dropping and she said it looks like she got all of the "mole" out. I will journal again soon, just wanted you all to hear how well I am doing, and that your prayers were felt and appreciated. We will continue to need them as now we heal emotionally. I am rejoicing and praising my God!

Let the healing begin - by Kevin

The surgery is complete, Beth is doing good. Her Dr. said that it went very smoothly, and they were able to remove the tissue without damaging Beth's uterus. Thank you so much for prayers and support this morning.

A huge burden has been lifted off of us today, but there is still much healing to be done in our lives right now. Not only the healing that Beth's body will require, but the emotional healing of the reality that we have lost another life. God has carried us through these last few days, and I know that he will continue to carry us.

Praise God for who he is.

Thank you God for protecting Beth today during her surgery.

-Kevin

Restless Nights

I am awake and unable to make this tired and weary body rest. My thoughts are all over the place, so I have my Ipod on listening to as much healing praise music that I can. It is amazing what a few seconds can do. In a few seconds mine and Kevin's life was altered in a way that has forever changed the two of us. After my surgery this morning we will start a whole new journey. Healing, grieving and waiting. For the first month after loosing Judah I will have to walk into an obgyn office once a week and get my blood taken, it will be a constant reminder of what I have just gone through. After the first month then I go once a month for six months. During this time Kevin and I may not try for a baby. If all goes well today, and all goes well after the six months we can maybe try but they usually recommend one year. Seems like eternity to Kevin and I. Not sure what the next year will look like for us. I try to imagine it, try to picture it but you can't wrap your mind around it. I anticipate that in a year many of my closest friends and family will begin trying for a second. It has separated us from those who have families, we look in through a glass window and long for a family of our own. But we know that for God's ultimate Glory his is asking us to wait, to accomplish other things. I believe that he will give us so much joy in the midst of an empty house. I know he will bless us, with things we could never picture or imagine, that is exciting!

As I lay here of course my anxious thoughts are about the surgery. You just never know how it will go. I tell Kevin all the time that I have the easiest part really. I go to sleep, and when I wake it could be an hour or it could be four hours, it feels all the same to me. But my poor husband and family the time seems to move so slowly as they anticipate the outcome. I really hope it goes quickly for them. I pray for my Dr. that she will have skilled and patient hands, and I pray that every cell will be removed so that there is no chance for cancer. We will post and we will email how everything goes at some point tomorrow. I know many of you who are close want to come and sit at the hospital but we are asking that you don't. I feel it might be to overwhelming. However I do ask that everyone who believes in prayer to begin praying hard at 10am. It is amazing how God is bringing people all across this nation who have never met to pray together, truly overwhelming for Kevin and I. Thank you so much!

Overwhelmed - by Kevin

I sit before the computer in hopes to explain to you, my feelings in hopes that by writing out how I feel - you can see that, while I am greatly saddened by what has happened on Wednesday, I also know more than ever that I serve a God that Loves so much. And without his love, I would be lost.
Beth and I went to church this morning, I'll be honest, a lot of me didn't want to go today. It is difficult to be around so many people, some knowing what has happened, and some that didn't know. As we sang, and worshiped our Lord God Beth whispered in my ear, "this is a good song for us." We sing this song very often at our church, and it really spoke to us today. I wish I could type out all the lyrics, but I just can't remember them right now (Come to church with us and I know that you'll hear it soon) the words that spoke to me (and Beth) were:

"We worship you because of who you are"

It is easy for us to praise God because of something he did for us. Or easy for us to praise God for a promise he has given us, or because we enjoy singing. But that's not why we are supposed to praise him - we worship him because of who he is, not for any other reason, than because he is worthy of our praise.

I thought this pregnancy was going to be different than what happened a year ago, because I did all the "things" I was supposed to. I prayed, fasted, tithed beyond our means, read God's word, obeyed his commands, so why then am I going through this grief now? I am learning that we can't do all those things in order to get something from God. We do those things to bring Glory to God, and to praise him, and for no other reason. I believe that God will bless those that serve him, but it is rarely in the ways that we expect him to. I will continue to pray, fast, tithe, read, praise, etc. but not so that God will give us a child, but because I love God, and I want to serve him, and I want to bring Glory to his name.

I don't know why this happened to us, but I know that through this God's glory will shine through Beth and I, if that's the only reason that we are in this storm, that is good enough for me. Many people have given us encouraging words of scripture regarding Job's struggle through this. Even though Job was repaid in the end for his suffering, I'm sure that if he had his druthers, he would have rather not gone through that junk, and just kept living life as normal. So why did God allow that suffering? The greatest thing that came from this battle was that God received praise, glory, and honor during his suffering. And the best part is that is was right in the face of Satan.

As I mentioned above, as I deal with this grief caused by the evil one, my only response is to praise God and give him glory, and honor. Satan has now delivered two blows to us, in hopes of keeping us down, but he can not, and will not prevail, we have already won by the blood of Jesus.

It was my hope two weeks ago, that I could write you a blog with pictures showing the final touches of my hardwood floor project. While I only need to put down 250 more square feet, I know that it will take a while. It is hard to comprehend grief, but it seems to make things 10 times harder to complete. For the first time since hearing the devastating news about yet another loss, I decided today to begin working on the floors once again. Last weekend, it was easy for me to go through ten boxes of wood without taking as much as 10 minutes to rest. Today I struggled to get through one box. Each piece of wood seemed to weight 30 pounds, each trip down the stairs to my saw seemed like 10 flights of stairs. When I finished one box (20 square feet) I was exhausted, I couldn't do any more, and I just sat down, and decided that the floors would wait for another day. You'll have to wait a few more weeks to see the pictures of the final product. It will be worth the wait.

Thank you for your prayers, and support. They have meant more to us than you'll ever know.
-Kevin

PS - Please, please, please, if you don't know the love, power, and worth of my God that I talked about, come talk to me or someone else about him. His love and grace will overwhelm you.

Paising God because of WHO he is!

A couple of months ago I started this website http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/tannerbaby/welcome.html. I was going to share with everyone once we had a picture of the baby to post up. I decided to go ahead and post it because I believe it is important to see what a joy this pregnancy brought Kevin and I. In my darkest moments I relive finding out, just to hold on for a couple more seconds to that pure undeniable joy. Months ago God gave me Psalm 22: 1-5

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my groaning?

O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

YET you are enthroned as the Holy One;

you are the praise of Israel,

In you are fathers put their trust;

they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you, and were saved;

in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

I believe that Kevin and I will not be disappointed, we are not let down by our God, we hang on to his promises and we will praise him during our suffering. Oh how I long for those of you who are reading this who do not believe in God to realize what a loving God he is and to fall into his arms, because if I turn away from God at this moment all I see is darkness, but instead in the midst of the greatest sorrow I truly have joy.

To be honest one of the things I am struggling with the most is how to pray. I believe that the God who is today is the same God is was yesterday and who will be tomorrow. I believe that the miracles that happen in the Bible can and still happen today. I truly believe that. I have had some people pray that as I go in tomorrow and they do an ultra sound before my surgery that they will see a baby. If this was not happening to me, I would probably pray the same thing for someone else. How come it is so hard to believe that for myself. Why don't I have that peace. I settle all these feelings by laying my hands open to God, declaring that he is God and my life is his to do whatever brings him the most glory, and that means placing a miracle baby in my womb tomorrow I will praise him with the greatest of praises. But if he chooses to say no, because he has a greater plan then I will praise him with the greatest of praises. I do not praise God because of what he does, I praise God because of who he is!

Sunday

As I awoke this morning, got bathed once again in the grief, I finally started allowing myself to really walk through the days to come. Tomorrow is the surgery and I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I am so grateful that we only have to go through one more day, that by tomorrow night my hormone levels, that are so extremely high, will began to level out to normal which will make me feel better, that this surgery will not be hanging over us like the dark cloud that it has been, and that the healing process will begin. On the other hand, I am not ready for life to get back to normal, for Kevin to go to work, to not feel pregnant anymore, because all these things say it is final. So I am stuck in such a confusing emotional twist in my journey. Time will continue to go on, and life must be lived. As badly as we want to stay at this point, and in our hearts we want everyone to stay here with us, once again this is not the heart of God. I guess my prayer request for this moment in time is for courage, courage to move forward and walk head first into this grief, and this unknown. I of course fear the outcome of the surgery but know I am in palm of Gods hand, pray that as tomorrow morning approaches that comfort and security will be there, not only for me but for Kevin and my family too.

Servants Heart

Kevin and I are both amazed at the love we have felt from every direction. In times of grief it is amazing how little energy you have to do such mindless task that usually come easy. For instance; laundry, cooking, making the bed, mowing the lawn, even taking out the trash have become monstrous task that lay at hand. I think in a way this is exactly how the Lord wants it to be, so that you find yourself in desperate need of help, so that you are in need of your Christian Family. At first Kevin and I have felt so bad asking for help, it is humbling and hurts your pride as you are admitting that you just can't do it. But as we have asked for help the out poor of love has been more then we can even fathom. Today our pastor came and mowed our lawn. As we heard the lawn mower kick up, Kevin looks at me and states how difficult this is. You feel so helpless and overwhelmed that someone would do this monstrous task for you. I think that receiving the help is almost more difficult then asking for it. We feel so loved, so embraced and so taken care of, and through each servants heart that helps with dinner, mowing the lawn, laundry, or whatever it might be, Kevin and I once again get a glimpse of the Almighty's heart.
So thank you. Thank you for loving us, for carrying us through this and for serving us in ways we never imagined. Your love, your service, your heart is helping us heal, grieve, and live.

Morning light

Every morning as I began to wake up, the wave of grief passes through my body once again. I just lay here and embrace the moment, let myself really feel the grief and allowing God to reveal new wonders to me. This morning as I was reading my other bolgs from the other day, God once again pointed me in the direction of purpose. Realizing that yes my purpose is to bring more people into the Kingdom, but beyond even that it is to bring more Glory to God. That is his heart.

I have to believe that this pain that I feel that is so strong and sometimes breathtaking, making me stop right where I am would be much stronger if the Father was not carrying most of the burden for me. I think we often forget that he wants me to lay it down, wants me to give it to Him, and I am offering it to him daily. It is the heart of God to take our pain and to heal.

I can remember when my Grandmother "Grammy" who held a very special spot in my heart got the news that she had cancer. I was sophomore in college. That night after the diagnosis, when it was really late I quietly went down to her house (she lived with us) and climbed into her bed and curled up with her. I began crying asking her why God would do this, and all she kept saying was how close she was to the heart of God. As her cancer began to increase and she became sicker there was one night real late that I ran up to the hospital to see if she was doing okay. I quietly opened her door and she was laying awake in her hospital bed. When she saw me she said "Oh Bethy come climb in bed with me." I once again climbed in and we curled up together. I asked her "Gram, why is this happening to you?" and her reply has stayed close to my heart all these years. She stroked my hair, wiped away my tears and said "Oh Bethy if you knew how close I was to Christ right now because of this suffering, you would not feel sorry for me. Be Brave Bethy, Be Brave...."
I have those words written in my Bible, but they are etched into my heart. And with every suffering storm along the journey that we walk, those words get etched in a little deeper. If you allow the storm to sweep you up and you get lost in the grief and self pity you miss what God is trying to show you, His Heart. But if you allow the storm to come, and you crawl on the the Wings of Christ as you began to soar you realize you are getting a glimpse of the fathers heart, he has so many things he want to show you. And as he begins to pour out the wonders and truths, they become the healing balm to your aching heart.

walk in the park

So with the ectopic pregnancy, Eddie, it was all a shock and a rush into emergency surgery. With Judah (which is how I am going to be referring to this pregnancy) it has been a shock and then a waiting game. We have four days of waiting, where I am still throwing up, still feeling very pregnant am constantly reminded that I am not carrying a baby. A hard concept to grasp at times. What do we do with these four days? We have stayed in a lot, huddle down and just enjoyed each other and our dogs. We venture out occasionally and I somehow expect the world to know that mine has stopped, but of course that is not what happens. Rather you still see smiling face, laughing children, working people, because life just goes on. But even Kevin and I are still living. We drove over to the park with the dogs and played in the creek, we laughed and giggled and smiled, how can that be in such tragedy? My only explanation is the unexplained joy that comes from the father. I am realizing that Eddie was my wake up but Judah,...Well Judah is saving me. God is revealing more to me now in this fire then I have ever imagined. And I am open, my heart is ready and wanting to hear from the father. I want to know his voice and I am not sure how much I know it, but I beginning to really listen.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.

The only thing I know to do

The only thing I know to do, and the only thing that seems clear in this moment of grief is to write and to share my heart. The only reason I feel I can do this is because I am believing that these storms during the journey are purely to bring more people into the Kingdom of God. I find peace when I think about touching someones life for Christ, then I know it is all worth it.

When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.

our hearts at 4am

Dear Family and Friends,
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.

Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!