Moments Framed

I posted four new pics- check them out at Moments Framed and let me know what you think!!! Thanks G for letting me borrow your kids!!!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom!

Today is Sunday. If you have followed me in this journey then you know just how hard Sundays are for me, call it what you might; depression, fear, grief, anger or whatever you want to label it, I don’t care, all I know is that Sundays are hard days for me.

This one did not start any differently, it was hard, but I knew I needed to go, just as I knew I needed to go last week as well. If I feel that turning in my spirit and I know God will give me the strength I need to walk into those doors, all I have to do is…walk through those doors. I always take deep calming breaths before I enter into the church. I always prepare myself to make it through worship without losing it, to receive hugs without melting into that person arms, to sit through the teaching without having someone have to pick me up off the floor. I am constantly in preparation. Today was no different- at first.

I have a hard time allowing myself the freedom to let go, and I really believe that ever since Judah I had only let myself go once; 4 in the morning on the night we found out, deep despair had found its way into our home, and swept over us. That was then and I was afraid to go back to that. I have told Kevin on more than one occasion that I was scared to let go, if I did I might never return.

I think that maybe this was one of the many reasons church was so hard. When you are at church you are faced with emotion of worship when the Spirit so heavily falls into the room, you can do nothing to fight against the tears as he gently calls your name to Him. I had done well in the 5 Sundays that I had made it to church since Judah, I was able to stand there let tears fall but I still had control over every emotion I was feeling. I would not let myself go. Until today.
Today was breakthrough, and not because I forced it, and not because the “right” song was sung, and not because of what someone said or did not say, it was because today was God’s day. He unlocked the tears, the emotion, and all the things I tried so hard to keep at bay- he let them out and they flooded upon me like much needed rain.

Even now as I write, the emotion is still so overwhelming, you can’t have God unlock all those things and go back to the way things were. There is an automatic freedom that is given to you, and not because of anything I did, but because of God.

I am learning so much, one thing is so apparent in this journey- you cannot walk this right or wrong, you can’t disappoint God, and you can’t mess up what is His divine plan. God knew that today was coming; I did not know it was coming but it was not a surprise to God as I let things go. I could have tried to force something like this last week but it would not have been as beautifully transparent and rich as it was today. Today was his perfect time for breakthrough- it was exactly what He wanted.

I am finding so much freedom within in this journey, today God revealed the freedom to let go. It is not every day and sweet Kevin gets a firsthand view of the ups and downs and good and bad. But in the midst of it all there is freedom in the Lord, freedom to be and walk and grieve and even have breakthrough, because where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM! And I can confidently say, I have the spirit of the Lord. The breakthrough was always there, he just released it today, and I responded!

Words from Above Spoken to my Broken Heart

I don’t care how you come to me, as long as you come. I don’t care if you crawl, stumble, limp, or run, I just want you to come. I don’t want you to have anything figured out, anything planned or anything prepared, I just want you to come, Just as you are, because as you are perfect in my eyes.

What you think is a mess, I see as beauty. What you feel is awful I see as perfect, what you see as broken I see as a chance to heal. You are exactly as I want you, exactly where I want you, exactly who I want you to be.

I designed you to be just as you are, I designed you to walk this journey, I designed you to be exactly who you are becoming! I designed you with every bump, mountain and valley in mind.

You can’t mess my plans up, you just have to move, and I will do the rest.

I don’t expect anything more then who you already are, because who you are is who I love, and I love you because you are my creation, why do you feel as though you need to change this? Why do you feel as though you should be walking this journey any differently? You are walking it exactly as I designed you to walk it.

I am with you ever turn and twist, every mountain high and valley low. Every hurtful word, or comment made I will take for you, and I will turn it around and whisper sweet words of love into your ears.

I am proud of you my child, proud of the scars on your feet from the rocks cutting you, proud of the scratches and cuts on your hands, and proud of the tear stained face, because it shows you are still walking still moving, still coming, and that is all I want. I just want you to come- I will do the rest!

I love you my child-

Fall is Here and so IS....

Thursday night. ..

Well I am sure that my butt print on the couch will come out eventually with some hitting, turning, banging, and fluffing!

I am not ashamed to say it; I will even put it in quotation marks to make it even more real … “Kevin and I watch A LOT of TV!” There it is out, and I am glad that we can all know that come Thursday nights (especially Thursday nights) you will most likely find us in our favorite spots watching our favorite shows.

Thank heavens for DVR, (yes, this is just how much TV we love) because of this wonderful invention (which if you ask Kevin I am sure he will tell you he invented it when he was 8, or maybe 6…) you can invite us out on a Thursday night, and we will enjoy ourselves with you because we are not controlled by what time NBC or ABC or CBS decides to show our Favorite shows, but rather we will record it and fast-forward through all the new (and can I say STUPID) commercials about High Fructose Corn Syrup, and how it is fine in moderation (but as they forget to mention, it is also not recognized by your body as anything, so it is stored as fat – DR OZ, says so, so it must be true!!)

So that is my posting for tonight, nothing spiritual, nothing over the top, just an honest post to let you guys in on another part of our journey…the part where Kevin and Beth watch a lot of TV!!!

Content in the Midst of Wanting

Being a wife never meant more to me then now. I have been thinking about this a lot, why I never appreciated it as much as I do now. I really believe that before we lost Judah I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I would go through the pregnancy test like it was candy; I would count my days, monitor myself and get upset every time the little plastic test yelled at my face that my dreams were not coming true that month.

When we found out that we were pregnant with Judah I was more than excited- I really think I believed that now that I was pregnant my life was going to began. That my hopes, dreams, and aspirations were being fulfilled just like I wanted it to. My obsessions, my need for a child, were being fulfilled and I was ready to really start my life. My prayers had been answered. Then the unbelievable happened, the nightmare, the thing you only read about in your books, or watch other people go through, the thing you fear, but never really think is going to happen to you. But It happened.

Now? Well now I am living, I am enjoying serving my husband, I am enjoying what may seem small tasks but they are not small to me. And I am loving it. Is it possible to be content in the midst of wanting something? I think that it is, because today for the first time in a long time, I am content, even though the longing and desire to one day hold a baby of my own in my arms is still present, still burning, but not quenching my thirst to live!

Thank You

I can't thank each of you for your amazing response to my last couple of writings. It has been so comforting and a huge blessing! Both Kevin and I have enjoyed all the emails and comments sent our way!

Thank you!

Being A Player

This part 2 of the preivious post I'm Inside, Outside, Upright Downright, a Mess of ... Thanks for coming along!

I know that many of you read my writing about the Lost Sheep, about being an “audience.” You are probably thinking to yourself, I don’t want to be in the audience but I don’t know how to help her, she won’t receive my help.

As I watched Football with Kevin yesterday I could not help but look at the huge audience watching the game, I would hear them cheer when the Broncos did something good, and boo when they were upset about a play. I looked on the field and saw a select group of men playing, a group sitting on the bench, the coach, assistant couch, the trainers, the people who squirt water in the mouths of the players, the diehard fans, the season fans, the fans of the other team, the camera crew, the people who held up a flag, and let’s not forget the cheerleaders!

In each of our lives we are in the game of our own journey, and each of us is in other games with other people’s journey. We have different roles for different people in our lives. In one friend’s life you might be the defense, playing right on the field, in another friends life you might be a cheerleader, there to do nothing more than cheer your teammate on bad or good! Or maybe you are just a diehard fan. Each of us has different roles in different lives.

What is most sad is when you are unhappy with the role God has asked you to play- you want to be something other then what he has called you. You want to be the coach, calling the play- rather the one squirting water in the mouth of the player. So you give up, mosey on back to your seat and just sit there, watching your friend slowly drift away. I am sorry that not everyone can be right in the “game” with me, but I need you to see that if you are willing to play no matter the role then you are an intricate detail, intricate part! I need prayers, cheering, understanding, freedom, space, cards, emails, flowers. I can’t tell how much it speaks to my heart when I receive and email like this…(This is from a dear friend who has never walked the path of loosing a child...)

I love your pictures on your new blog! Thank you for sharing; you
really do have a gift. I am sorry to hear that you're not sleeping
well. I will be praying that God will physically let you feel his
presence, wrapped in Jesus' arms, so you can have a peaceful night
sleep. I'm glad to hear that Kevin returned safely. We sure do miss
you guys.
I continue to pray that God bonds you through this journey, heals your broken hearts and reveals His precious will to your hearts and minds. Take care,
sweetie.

Sometimes I just need an encouragement, letting me know you are thinking and praying for me is the best healing ointment to my broken heart.

Have faith in my relationship with the Lord, in my journey, in Kevin. Know that Kevin is often times my voice, my ears, and my eyes, he is the greatest gift God could have ever given me. He often, and most times, read my emails before I even get them, this is the relationship we have with one another. If he calls you for me, it is my voice coming through (a bit deeper and sexier I think!), because we are one! How awesome is our God to create a relationship that mirrors his relationship with us!

Be encouraged by this blog, pray how God might ask you to play in my game, or in someone else’s game, and if you don’t know then ask me, I will most likely tell you I need lots of prayers and hugs, and I am not one to shy away from a gift or a good plate of cookies!!!!!

I'm Inside, Outside, Upright Downright, a Mess of a Beth ALL THE TIME!

The Blog is twofold, I will post the continuation to this one later tonight, but I did not want to overwhelm you with such a long blog!

I can see how those looking into my journey- reading my ups and downs would see many contradicting entries. I too, have spent many hours re-reading my entry’s and am amazed at how many ups and downs, lefts and rights, backwards and forwards, and turns that it has taken. But is that not life? One day you feel one thing and the next day you feel something different. I believe it is a part of grief; I am not sure because all I can go by is what I am going through, how I am feeling from moment to moment, right or wrong.

I do need to say that I write this blog, this journey, for me, to help me get some of my emotions out. It has been a gift for some of you, as many of you have captured my vision and my heart. It has brought new friendships, of those who have found my blog and related to what I have written. It has helped those of you who have a loved one who is going through something similar, and given you an insight on a broken, grief stricken, heart.

However, I know, that it has become a frustration to many of you, not knowing what to say, when to say or how to say something. I also understand that it has made some people feel as though they really “know” me through the blog, because I am so transparent and vulnerable when I write. I try not to hold back. I honestly have to say, one more time that more than anything my blog is really just for me, and for God, he has given me freedom to write. It is a small peek hole into the journey, but it will never ever give you a full view. It is just a puzzle piece.

I know that many of you want a full view, want to feel as though my blog, my writings, my sharing, has somehow given you the right to offer advice and tell me what things I am doing wrong or right. This has happened many times, not just once. I am not angry and I am not mad, but sometimes it is too much advice. I know you really care so if you really feel as though something needs to be said and you are truly losing sleep over my situation please feel free to contact KEVIN, or even send an email to MY MOM, they are in the mud with me and they know my heart, they can hear the advice and maybe even ease your heart a bit.

I know you want to hear from me, talk to me personally, but I am telling you honestly I am too weak to speak, to go over and over what it is that I am going through, that is why God has given me a select group of people who are walking the journey with me- and even they always recognizing that they are just “walking” it with, me, they are not the ones living it. Even Christ had his select 12, and if you read through His life, he was even closer to two of them!

Football and Change

There is nothing more refreshing then spending Sunday afternoon crashed on the couch watching a Broncos football game WITH Kevin.

Now I am not a born football fan, I would say I am an adopted football fan... Kevin has spent many moments teaching me how to really appreciate the game. I am constantly asking questions causing him to pause the game to address what it is I am asking, or (which is more common) the "pause answering response," this is where Kevin begins to address the question only pausing quite often to watch a play finish (just like right now I had to make sure "PLAY" was the correct term...it was!).

I am writing about this because my Sunday afternoons watching football is just one of the many things I never knew I enjoyed until I met Kevin. I am blessed with an amazing husband who can make anything that I think is not fun, become fun. I now look forward to the football season, knowing that there will be many of these Sunday afternoons awaiting my day. (How many wives can say that???!!!)

I also wanted to comment on the fact that today is the last day of summer, I am ready for this season to be behind me, it is time. I am ready for the cool air and the changing leaves, I am ready for the signs of the summer to die away, and for winter to take its place. I am not a big fan of summer but I think that it is because both of my boys were swept into heavens arms during this season. I will always welcome summer with open arms, as it will bring remembrance and healing, but for now I am ready for the changing season- I need it!

Hard to Recieve the Healing

I don’t want to be better. I know sounds strange, sounds weird, and sounds a bit irrational. Maybe it is.

I am realizing that I am healing, I am doing well, and I have come so far. Each moment, each breath, each day, brings new life, new meaning, new hope- and it is good… So good!

Healing brings letting go, and living, without a growing belly, without a baby, without a child to bring up. It is facing reality and being okay with what God has asked you to go through. It’s knowing you can’t change it, and even if asked if you wanted to change it, you would realize you don’t, that this is really God’s best.

Healing is good, it is refreshing, it is comforting, it is sometimes acting as though you are healed even when you don’ t always feel it, because you feel in your heart it is coming. Healing washes over you, it brings you to the shore of new realization and hope for the future. Healing is living.
I admit that as though I love the healing, sometimes I don’t want to accept it, I don’t want to embrace it, I don’t want to admit that I am “doing well.” I don’t want people to forget. I feel as though if I don’t live in the healing that is it is staying in remembrance of Judah. That if I am healed, that if I am well, that if I am living then it is forgetting.

However - healing is not forgetting, in fact it is remembering, it is appreciating the life God has given you and walking the journey in honor of your lost one. It is bringing Glory to God and allowing people to witness your healing.

So I admit, I am healing- I am doing well, and although I still have so far to go, I am realizing I have come so far, and that I can’t feel guilty about living, laughing, and hoping!

I have given myself freedom to grieve, and I will continue to give myself freedom to grieve, to have dark days, to rest in the moment of sorrow when it shows itself or overtakes me. Now I give myself freedom to live, to hope, to move forward. Never forgetting and never leaving behind- Just letting go to live!

Sleep

Sleep has been weighing on my mind and has become a frustration on many mornings and nights. I find it difficult to fall asleep on most nights before one in the morning, sometimes later than that. I read, toss and turn, try counting sheep and end up frustrated that I can’t seem to make my weary eyes and tired body cave into the sleep it so is longing for. It is the morning that is killing me, I can’t wake up. I hate waking up, I hate knowing it is time to get up, and I hate forcing my eyes open. I am exhausted in the morning and want in many ways to sleep the rest of the day away. But if I stay in bed past nine then I feel as though I am wasting the day and end up feeling lazy. So we are trying some new things.

First night- I attempted to go to bed with Kevin (which I normally do, I just read until 1am or so…) and tried falling asleep on my own. This did not prove to work, I still was up, tossing and turning and naming the sheep I was counting… Oscar..1…Toby…2…Cinderella..3…Mozzarella Ball…oh wait I am just hungry… Anyway that tactic did not work and in fact I was up later than normal cause I was stressed about getting up the next morning, which I was suppose to get up at 7:30 to go work out, instead I rolled out of the bed at 10:ish…

Next night- Maybe if I took one of my sleeping pills it would help me fall asleep sooner than later. Took the pill at 10pm fell asleep at 10:45- it worked and I hardly woke up!! Yay I found a solution…not quite, it made me so incredible sleepy that I was still unable to get of bed before nine. This morning it brought tears to my eyes, I want to so badly to be on some kind of schedule. I also notice that if I can just get up three days a week and make it to my spinning class it really seems to help me with the depression I know I am battling… but I can’t seem to get over the hump.

The bad sleeping pattern started the moment I was pregnant with Judah- I did not sleep well at all. Then when we found out about Judah and knew we would be losing the pregnancy the sleep got worse. When I was pregnant with Eddie and went into the emergency room someone told me that if I had not come in that night I might have fallen asleep and just never woken up, not something you want to tell someone who already deals with fear and worry. So when Judah happened and I had to wait the four days before surgery I would always think to myself… “What if I fall asleep tonight and I don’t wake up in the morning…” With all my body has been through the last year: two pregnancies, two surgeries, tons of medicine, lack of sleep, and grief, it is a wonder I am functioning the way I am.

And so it leads me to these questions…
Do I not want to get up because I really am exhausted?
Do I not want to get up because I am lazy?
Do I not want to get up because I don’t want to face the reality that is easy to escape when I sleep?
Do I need to push myself to get up?
Do I need to let my body continue to heal or does my body even need healing, or is this all mental or….?

OH I just don’t know, those are just a few of the questions I face every day, every minute, every moment. On top of all this my nurse called yesterday with what we were hoping good news, she thought I was done getting my blood taken…but I am not I have to continue on down this road. Yes I am healing, yes I have come so far, and I laugh, joke, get out, and look normal. But there are moments when I realize that the storm has cleared to give me a chance to breathe, but it is still thundering, and the rain and wind will pick up soon.

A New Treasure

One of the things, among many, that God is revealing to me is: I love photography. I love taking pictures of life, people or images, things that mean something to me or to someone else. I guess in a way always have, I use to go with a friend in high school for drives and we would take our cameras a long, taking pictures of things that we loved, I remember thinking how relaxing it was. During this time in my life, on this difficult journey, God is allowing me to escape in writing and now pictures. I love getting behind a camera, a not very good camera but a camera all the same, and capturing moments. I am untrained and really have no idea what I am doing, but I am enjoying it. For this reason so many of those who know me so well have been so encouraging, urging me on to take more. For now this will remain a hobby, just as my writing, something God has washed up on my shore, a hidden treasure to keep for awhile in the midst of tragedy and uncertainty. Who really knows if any of this will be forever or just a moment, just like a Judah and Eddie- they are sweet moments in time.
So I must take a hold of every little thing God has given me and cherish it for as long as He allows me to have it, Capturing the Moments as they come and go, cause really every second another moment has come and gone! Wouldn’t you love to have that moment captured, and framed? So come along on another journey as I begin to capture moments in time: untrained, uneducated, unbelievable gift from God! So feel free to stop by my new blog that will only feature pictures. I will update it here and there with some of my favorites! Thanks for coming along on a new and exciting part of my path!!!

http://www.momentsframed.blogspot.com/

From Germany to Fletcher...Kevin is HOME!!

Kevin is HOME!!! Thanks for all the prayers!!!
He is happy to be home but is struggling for sure with some jet lag...hope to get him back to normal soon. God is so good to give Kevin such an opportunity for travel! Who knows we could end up living there for a while...you never know what or where your path will take you!!!
Here are a few pics for you....enjoy a taste of Germany!

I Close my Eyes

I close my eyes and let the words overcome me, I open my heart to allow the words to flow, I let the moment embrace me and run from my flesh that hinders me, I open my heart….to see what might come out.

I run from my fears, turn from my frustrations, and try to fall freely into the hands of the Father. Lord, give me strength, wrap me in your peace, and overcome me with your words, your whisper, and your voice. Overcome me with your life for when your life is greater, my life becomes lesser.

I close my eyes to see what words will come out, to see where the Lord will take me. I let the Lord wash over me and reveal to me the deepest parts of my heart. I let him lead me, and carry me to the places that need to be revealed, oh lord reveal your truths to my broken heart, let me hear your words and know that it is your voice, oh Lord over come me for I am broken. I lose myself in your heart, in your embrace, in your voice.

I close my eyes and all I want is to see your face, to see your hand, to see your plan. I close my eyes I want to see my children, their smile, their laugh, their fingers, tows and everything in between. Oh Lord I close my eyes to escape the reality.

I close my eyes for I am ready for healing, I am ready for more of you, and I long for more of you. I close my eyes and dream of the future, seeing my husband hold his baby, rock his child, and sing to his little one. I close my eyes to see my husband teach my child how to hit a ball, how to hunt and fish, how to live a life after you. I close my eyes to see my parents as grandparents, my sister as an aunt and my grandmother a great grandmother. I close my eyes in hopes to get a glimpse of what I so long for. I close my eyes to see, to hope, to believe. I close my eyes to escape. Oh Lord…All I can do is close my eyes.

What a Week

What a week it has been! I wanted to make sure that I did my best to make the week go as fast as possible, so I planned many activities which included: Trip to the farmers market, trip to Greenville for some mom and daughter shopping, night out with my sister in law, babysitting for my sister, dinner with my brother and sister, a day of making salsa, trip to Charlotte to visit my cousin for the weekend, which has brought me to Thursday almost Friday! This means that my sweet husband will be home Sunday and this make my heart so happy!

It really has been a good week, even though the absence of Kevin leaves my heart in a constant ache for his embrace. I am thankful I have stayed busy however; I look forward to getting back into a normal schedule. I am enjoying my time here with Amy (my cousin) and already feel so relaxed and thankful for our friendship. She is a kindred spirit whose heart knows grief. She has two beautiful children, Selah, who soars on the wings of heaven, and Kai who brings laughter and joy into the home.

I have not had a lot of time to think for I have been so busy, funny how even when you are busy your heart is still stuck in grief and heaviness, even when you don’t have time to think about it. I am thankful that week so far has swept me up and kept me moving. I had some precious quiet time on my 2 hour drive from Hendersonville to Charlotte, and this time I embraced with the Lord and let the thoughts run over me.

Today I got my blood results back from this month’s blood work, you have to understand how badly I want these to be done, I am tired and am ready to get over the “molar pregnancy” but I feel as though I cannot truly move on when I still have to get my blood taken. I was, we were all praying, it would be zero, and it was 6 the last time I went in. For those of you totally lost when you get pregnant your (hormone) level rises, mine was extremely high and now they have to make sure it drops to zero and stays there. I feel as though if I can get to zero this would be a huge, HUGE step forward…it was 3….3….oh man I was just so ready for it to be zero. I am so thankful that they are not rising, and with each test I am more and more clear from the cancer, but I can’t start trying until it is zero, I am ready for it to be zero.

God has a perfect plan and I do rest in his palm, I claim his healing and I move forward the best that I can, even though life circumstances seem to keep my body in a still position when it comes to wanting a family. I have to give my wanting to God every day, I can’t live in the wanting, I must live in the present moment and being content and that is what I struggle with. I am trying to be content, in the grief, in the waiting, in the moment, in the journey.

Grüße aus Deutschland (von Kevin)

Greetings from Germany,

I just thought I'd let everyone know that I'm doing very well here in Germany. We got in Tuesday around noon, everything is going smooth so far.

I really enjoyed my first day at the plant, everyone has been very freindly, and I have learned a lot. I get to tour the facility tomorrow, and meet with some other engineers.

I told Beth, that when I travel overseas it makes me realize how we truly have it made in the states. Germany is baeautiful, but it's still not as nice as the states, It is tough to pay $3.50 per gallon of gas, but here it's about 8 dollers per gallon when you consider the exchange rate. 8 bucks makes 3.50 look pretty stinking good.

Thanks to everyone who has been taking care of Beth, I can't wait to see her again.

And lastly I'd like to say Go Broncos!!! They stomped up on their division rivals Oakland 41-14 as I was flying across the Ocean.

Letting Go to Live

Kevin is somewhere in the air, over the sea, and on a plane to Germany. He left this morning, I stood in the driveway watching him leave and begging God to protect him and bring him home to me soon. I have always know I struggle with fear, worry and doubt, but ever since this journey of loosing and wanting so bad, I find myself battling it even more.

I think when tragedy hits you; you are left feeling so vulnerable and breakable. I never in a million years thought God would ask me to walk a journey of not only waiting for a family but also giving my dreams of two babies up. It breaks my heart but also makes me realize that my child hood dreams of never being harmed are far from truth.

There are times in your life when you must grow up, you know when it happens and it can either deepen your walk with the Lord or make you bitter… it can leave you stronger, or harder, it can make you see things in a new light, or darken your perspective…either way change happens, growth happens.

Kevin and I are growing up, and it is painful at times. But there are those moments for both of us, when we look into each other’s eyes and we remember when we first got married. We remember our carefree days before all this pain, but we would not go back, because the loss and heartache on this journey has only deepened our relationship, strengthened our walk with the Lord, and made us sensitive to others walking the journey.

Yes pain is going to come, yes things are going to hurt, but it is all out of Love of God, and it is all in the perspective of how you look at things. Are you willing to see the love even in the greatest pain? Though all these thoughts seem so easy to write out, they are harder to live. It is hard for me to open my hands up to the father and trust him with everything I have, but I realize nothing is mine, and I can’t truly live unless I spread my wings and fly- I can’t fly holding onto things…I must let go to truly live.

Just a Little Something

Not much to report right now- thought I would take a minute just let you all know I am doing okay. This week has been a little harder, for no apparent reason… Sometimes they are just hard.

Kevin leaves for Germany tomorrow,(maybe this is what is making it a hard week..) please pray for his safety and protection, and peace and comfort for me while he is gone. I will really miss him. I plan on soaking in as much time with him as I can before he leaves. Which is what I am doing now, we love to be together and never want to waste a moment. He is the love of my life!

Sorry I wish I was more inspired to write a little more about my journey but I don’t have the strength right now, the days are dark and the moments are hard, but the sun is shining and the wind is blowing, and life continues to move on…so I must move on with it.

I will keep you posted on Kevin’s trip and my week to come without him! Thanks in advance for the prayers.

Oh Lord

What is it you want me to write Lord, what it is that you want my fingers to spell out? What sentence do you want me to create? I am desperate and I am alone, all I can feel are my dreams falling down in a rushing cascade and crashing at the bottom. They leave their broken pieces for me to pick up, what good can come from this? What great thing must I learn? When will the pain just ease a little and leave me feeling refreshed rather than broken down and desperate? What is it you want from me Lord, why is it you have called my name and my life on this journey? Why have you asked me to walk the rocks, climb the mountain, and stumble to the top? Why is this journey leaving me so breathless and so clouded in my thoughts? Why can’t I be strong, be willing, and be okay with this? Why must this be so hard Lord? I hate doubting you, I hate asking why, I hate feeling as though the questions mark my disbelief and lack of faith; can it not be that I am asking because I do in some way and form long to have a conversation with you.

I seek your face, long to see you in the darkness, and stumble with my fears and doubts. I climb the mountain, bruise and broken and longing to be healed by the healer and lover of my soul. I want clarity and I find confusion, I want answers and find more questions. Is this part of my journey, is this part of the mountain I must continue to climb, and is the part of the storm? I have to believe this is it, this is the journey, this is the road, there is no turning back, no running away, and there is no Y in the path, no other street to take. I must walk it, I must face it, I must climb it, but I can’t do it without you. If I have in some way run from your stable hand to do this on my own, I am sorry, please Lord, I need your light, I need your direction…It is cold, dark, and scary without your warmth, light, and peace.

I may not know what to write, I may not know what to say, I may not know my heart from day to day, but you know. You know my thoughts, my confusion, my questions, fears, and doubts. You don’t throw them away; you embrace them and use them! Thank you for using them. I will walk this Lord, but only because you walk it with me. As we walk this path, climb this mountain and stumble to the top I have some questions and some doubts I hope you can help me sort out.

Friendship Journey

For a brief moment my house was filled with diapers, baby food, toys, crib, high chair and bottles. It was fun seeing what my house might look like one day, it was also heart wrenching at times to look around and think none of these things were for our Judah. Was it hard? No, Charlotte is a gift from the Lord, I got to be one of the first people to know Jamie was pregnant; I got to watch Jamie walk through the pregnancy and the joys that came after birth. Charlotte is a miracle and we prayed very hard for this little girl! Months before Charlotte enter the world Jamie had to open her hands wide open and give her baby girl Elizabeth Faith, to the father. I walked with Jamie on this difficult journey, never in a million years thinking I would walk one similar. Jamie is a constant source of strength, always giving me freedom to be whatever I need to be during the grief.

I am so blessed to have Jamie in my life; she has cried tears for me and in many ways ached for me like no one else. She is a gift from the Lord and neither of us knew what a gift our friendship would be in the days and years to come. We met only two years ago through our dear friend and mentor Nancy. She knew us both separately and knew in her heart that we would become good friends, however I don’t think even Nancy knew just how close Jamie and I would get. God has intertwined our hearts together in a way that is rare and special, our friendship often times reflecting the relationship Christ longs to have with us.

Jamie I love you, you are a constant reminder of the gift the father wants give even on the most difficult journeys, I don’t know where I would be without your encouragement, strength, and love. You are a source of light on some of my darkest days. I will forever be thankful for sweet Elizabeth for she is the reason we are the way we are, she is our gift and will always be your baby girl. I love you!

The Lost Sheep

It has been an amazing weekend with my dear friend Jamie, her husband Brian, and there beautiful little girl, Charlotte. There have been endless tears, side aching laughter, and healing heart conversations. I will write more about my sweet time with Jamie soon, but I am not ready to face reality that they leave tomorrow and will soon be writing about the past rather then the present. I choose to stay in the moment as long as I can.

Instead I find myself in deep thought about my journey- its ups and downs, twist and turns, and the people who seem to be the onlookers. I don’t in anyway intend to offend anyone by any of my writing, however deep in my heart if any blog is going to be offensive it will probably be this one. (Just a warning,)

I have been stirring these thoughts over and over in my head, my heart, and my talks with Kevin. Many of my conversations with Kevin are often times about the community of believers, how they have or have not handled our particular journey, and many times what we will or will not do if we are faced with a couple going through something that is reflective of our path.

Honestly as I stare at the computer screen I am still not sure how to say what is deep in my heart, what it is that is causing me so much pain and frustration. I do know that I have been extremely hurt by the “audience” of believers that God has placed in my life. I use the term audience because that is what they are: they look, watch, judge, and predict the outcome. They cheer and clap when they think I have done something good, and boo and yell when they think I have made a wrong move. They are an audience because their involvement in my healing has been minimal.

They feel safer from a distance, and they wait for me to enter into their territory so that they can really “meet me where I am” and offer “healing words, and spiritual food…” They stand at there door, yelling for their lost sheep (me), and if yelling does not work they try a whistle, or maybe a bell, or maybe silence, or maybe a treat…when nothing proves to work they drop their head in disappointment that their lost sheep has wondered off the wrong path, close the door and continue on. They may stop and think about me for a moment, but the thought is brief because they have too many sheep they are trying to keep track of, and they are responsive and I was the sheep that was not…so it is best just to “move on” to those who will respond.

I am however, hearing there calls, hearing the whistle, hearing the bell, and actually think the treat sounds quite good, but I am caught in a bush, it’s thistles and vines wrapped so tightly around my legs and I cannot move, I try yelling, but they refuse to hear my weak and quiet voice, I try responding, but they are not looking for my response, and so I am tired, I am tired of trying, of fighting and so I lay and wait.

Christ has come, he is slowly and precisely cutting each branch, vine and thistle that has wrapped around each part of my aching body and broken heart. He knows I am disappointed that I have been left alone, and he keeps telling me how sorry he is. He gently lifts my broken body from the bush and starts to tend to my wounds, the only way a healer and a maker can. He sings gentle songs into my ears and whispers his love and promises to my heart. As I continue to heal, and as he continues the healing, our hearts start beating as one. He stands me up, and places his hands upon my shoulder and looks into my eyes,

“Beth, you have been disappointed; I know I am disappointed too. I will never leave you and I will always come and find you, but now you have to make a choice. Are you going to be a one of the many people in the audience of others lives, or are you going to be a player? I don’t need another person to fill a seat and watch; I need someone who will play. I know you are hurt, and it is your choice…but I will always come and find you.”

My choice audience…
Get ready for a player…