Looking Back

I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.

As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.

As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.

I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.

As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.

He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.

This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!

Psalm 86:15-17

"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Celebrating Sorrow

Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.

It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.

As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.

As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.

We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!

And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!

If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!

I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!

Merry Christmas from the Tanners

Unwritten Christmas Cards...

I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.

For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.

I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.

As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.

It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.

So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!

Six Months...

I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.

Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.

As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.

As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!

Coming Out on the Other Side

Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.

God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.

We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!

Riding Out the Storm

Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.

We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!

Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!

Giving Thanks with Empty Arms

I am amazed that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; I am amazed that all the leaves have fallen and that the cold of winter is upon us, I am amazed that months have passed, minutes have come and gone, and soon we will be welcoming in a new year.

I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.

The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.

So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.

So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!

Psalm 121: 1-8

We are doing well, and had such a relaxing weekend! I can’t express to you how good my God is to allow Kevin and me a trip like this. When I spoke to my mentor a few weeks back she asked me when and if Kevin and I had had the opportunity to go on a vacation, of course with the economy the way it is we felt as though staying put was the best decision, I have been praying for a vacation and time away alone with Kevin since we lost Judah- and although Kevin is having to work, we had the whole weekend just the two of us, God is so good.

I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.

Psalm 121 1-8
I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

6 The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever

It is interesting because this particular Psalm was written about the pilgrim’s journey ascending Jerusalem- a journey, a path, a distance, the ups downs and everything in between, I love this and I love even more what Beth Moore says about it…

“He (the traveler) looks at the hills in the distance, wondering and probably even fearing what might be on the other side. He anticipates the long, arduous journey ahead and, like all of us, wishes he could arrive in the blink of an eye rather than feel the effects of life on the road.” Beth Moore-

You could put my name in there, and I am sure whoever is reading this feels as though you could put your name in there, anyone in this economy feels as though they could put their name in there! These are uncertain times, not only in my life as walking the path of wanting a child, but in the path of everything it seems. I look ahead and all I see are looming mountains, I look behind and all I see are the mountains I have already come from, and I often times think, Lord can I make this? And the reply is steady, consistent, loving and patient; the reply is always “YES!” And he whispers into each of our ears,

“I will not let you stumble, I will never sleep, I will watch over you, stand beside you and be your shade, I will keep ALL harm from you and I will watch over your life, there is no place you can go that I will not watch, both now and FOREVER!” -God

And with that is there anything more we need? Anything more we can fear? Anything more we need to know? Today that is what I hold onto, Today and forever more!

Here a few pics

Here is where we are staying, and the dogs enjoying the vacation. First day is going great!!!

Boys enjoying their stay!

Bedroom

I believe this kitchen is better then our kitchen at home!

Bored so I moved furniture around, the boys liked that they could see out the window now!

This is just a cute picture of Kev with the dogs!

Unexpected Vacation (well for me...)

What a surprise! Kevin called a couple weeks back and asked If I wanted to join him on a business trip to Indiana, and then head up to Michigan to spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents. I was super excited about the idea, and so we waited to see if it would really happen. Kevin called Monday and asked if I would be willing to pack up and leave Wednesday, and I was! Since this is a business trip they rented us a car and will pay for a hotel and food, so off we set for an eight hour drive and a two week semi vacation!

We will be here in Plainfield Indiana for a week, where I will spend all my days in the hotel with the dogs (yea we got to bring the dogs!!), without a car and nothing to do, which is exactly vacation to me! I plan on getting a lot of reading done and sleeping in. God is so good to give us this surprise trip, and to be able to come with Kevin on a business trip is such an unexpected blessing. I will miss him during the day but it is so nice that we have our evenings together.

I will miss my family at Thanksgiving, and am sorry Kevin and I will not be there, but I am so blessed to be able to spend it with his Grandparents, of both sides. We are also anxious to see Grandpa since he just went through another round of surgery to try and locate the cancer. He is doing well, and we are really looking forward to more time with them

Easier to Breath

Today has been a peaceful day. It is chilly out but was not too cold for me to go for a walk at the nearby park. I have missed my daily walks with my dogs. When I found out I was pregnant with Judah I would go and walk every day, since losing Judah it was harder for me to find the strength to get out. I do feel the strength and healing that God is performing in and through my life.

I am enjoying a cup of hot tea and there is not a cloud in the blue sky. Days like these I feel so close to the Lord, his presence warming my soul and heart and letting me know things are okay. I am thankful for his everlasting love and patience with me, giving me the time to heal and never leaving my side. Today it is easier to breath, each breath full of healing and peace. I am so thankful for these days, God is so good!

Embracing the Season

The cold weather has made its presence known. Almost all of our leaves have fallen, and the holidays are nibbling at our toes, making people anxious to start the Season. As for me, I am not looking forward to the hallmark holiday, the Christmas trees, lights, decorations as I normally do. I am looking forward to meditating on Christ and celebrating a miracle that saved me. I am especially fond of the sweet story of Mary this year, as she lived out my hopes and dreams, unexpectedly. December is fast approaching, the end of our six month wait, and the due date of our little boy feels as though it is right around the corner.

I can’t be sure how I will handle this Christmas season, last Christmas season was just as hard as our due date was January. Seems it has put a new perspective on celebrating for Kevin and me, as we celebrate with great heaviness upon our shoulders. Each holiday commercial reminding us that we have no children to shop for, no great surprises for our little one, no picking out the toy you know they so desperately want. We don’t have children to curl up with in front of the tree and tell stories; I am not able to hug my belly in anticipation of meeting my second one, this is not the reality in which we live in this season of our lives.

We do have Christ to hold onto, Christ to find joy in, and Christ to provide strength for the tough days ahead, where everything seems to enhance family and children. We will embrace this holiday season, but probably a bit differently than those across the street or down the road, our house will be filled with joy and sorrow, as celebrate Christ’s birth and the loss of our child.

Walking in the Wilderness

I visited a church yesterday with my good friend Daniel. Kevin and I both enjoyed our experience there but still at the end of the day feel as though we do not really belong anywhere in this season of our life. The pastor spoke about wilderness, how there is a forced wilderness of your own doing, or a wilderness where God takes you away so that He can reveal certain things to just you. The obvious is true, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, and we are lonely, and we are searching for the way. We do not feel as though this is a choice we have made, but we do know that we have always given our lives away to God to do as He sees fit. So at the end of the day, I feel as though God must have something very unique and special for only our ears, eyes, and heart for he has lead us to the wilderness and we are not asked to leave just yet.

I spent sometime this morning reading a couple of passages in Exodus about Moses and the Israelites. There are so many things that struck my heart. My mom is always reminding me of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians’ on their heels and God’s amazing protection and provision. Sometimes we feel as though we are standing right next to the Red Sea just waiting for it to break so that we can get out of harm’s way, the anticipation and doubt always nearby making its presence known.

As I continued to read about their experience in the wilderness I was once again moved in my spirit by a few distinct things. Those Israelites were grumblers. God was very aware that he had walked them to the wilderness, he was aware of the journey they were on, He was aware of their emotions and their hearts. They come through a huge victory of the red Sea, they sing and dance, and not even a day later they are complaining once again. Exodus 16:2 “IF only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and at all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Oh man I would love to get my hands on those stupid people. But just has I type this, and even say this I can hear the sweet whisper of the Lord…

“Uh Beth my dear, you do the same thing….”

My first instinct is to say “No Not ME” but I know do. God has brought me out of so many things. Even in this journey, I could have died with Eddie, I was hemorrhaging as I walked into that hospital, my stomach was already full of blood, God could have called me home, but HE didn’t. But I have been known to say “It would have been better if God had just let me die then…” I am not any better than those Egyptians. As I continued reading on, I continued to see them complain, and God would answer their cries, over and over and over, and they would continue their complaining.

Yes, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, not by choice but by God’s hand and direction. I do look forward to one day stepping foot into that river of freedom, but I do not know when that will be. For now, I must not complain in this wilderness, God knows my heart, my journey, my emotions (he created me). He knows my dark days, my good days and everything in between, and he is constantly providing for Kevin and I Just enough “manna” each day during this season in our life.

I know many of you who read this, feel as though you too are walking in a wilderness, have hope, God will prevail, and He will never leave you there by yourself. But when he does show the path to freedom, we must MUST walk towards it, we must obey, because I don’t know about you, but for Kevin and I we don’t want to die in this wilderness!

Fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream

As I sit here in front of the computer I can’t help but think about how my writing has slowed a bit. I think about this a lot; you would think that it would be flip around that I would write more now than the past, but for whatever reason God allowed it to be easy to write then than now. It is harder to write now….

What do you continue to write about? My journey is pretty much the same; the loss, the wait, the anticipation, the emotion, the healing. I know that each day brings a different healing, a different emotion, and different outlook, but the reality is still the same.

It has been so hard, and I would be lying if I told you otherwise. This past pregnancy, Judah, has knocked my breath right out of me; I am still not standing and find myself on most days just trying to catch my breath. Honestly I don’t expect it to be any different. I did not think that this journey would be easy, from the moment I heard “molar pregnancy” I knew that this moment in my life was going to be hard and it is. But I am walking it.

I have lost friendships, “we” have lost friendships, we have changed, we have slowly faded away from so many things we were involved in, we have found ourselves finding comfort in arms we never expected to find comfort, we have grown, changed and become different yet in so many ways we are still the same.

We have climbed the mountain hand in hand, we have let people go but have grabbed a hold of hands that understand and want to walk up this mountain with us. We have grasped the hand of Christ and not let go even on the darkest and hardest days we have held on to his hand.
We have left fakeness at the door and walked through living our lives in front of others as real as it gets, we have been criticized and laughed at, we have been talked about and advised and then in the end we have been left.

Through it all, there have been moments of fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream. That was what was sent to our table unexpectedly, given with the gift of dinner paid for. How can this be in a time of darkness? Some people really get being led by the spirit, really know what it means to be sensitive and allow God to bless us thru their amazing gift of generosity. How cool and amazing is our AWESOME God, who revealed himself tonight through fried bananas and a scoop of ice-cream! (Thanks, you know who you are! Enjoy the grinder!!!)

Today is HIS day

I don't have much to say when it comes to politics, but a close friend of mine posted this on her website and I just had to post it on mine because it spoke so much to my heart today!
I hope these thoughts from John Piper resonate in your heart as it did in mine! "I will always pursue HIS Kingdom first!"

Don't forget to pause my music before playing this....

Sunday Afternoon

I spent this afternoon taking some photos for my family! It was a joy and is always healing to be with my family. God is good to always allow moments where I can have peace in my spirit, I take a hold of it and try not to let that moment go! Let me know if you want me to capture moments for your family!!

Check out Moments Framed and let me know what you think! I love the feedback!

Our Life...

You know the phrase "when it rains it pours?" Well this has been our phrase for the last couple of years. Now please don't get me wrong, Kevin and I are so blessed and have received many blessings over the years. It just seems that lately it has been a storm. I could talk about how I went to go vote today, not feeling that great anyway, stood in line only to find out that my registration did not go through at the DMV, so I had to stand in another line to get registered, and then stand in another line to wait and vote. Finally MY turn, who do they place right next to me?? A first time mother with her 3 week old baby, so now I am not only sniffling because of a runny nose or because of the president candidates, but because every time I look down there is a scrawny little baby just begging me to grab it and take it home. Needless to say much of my ballet was left blank. OR I could blog about my wreck, how now every time I open the car door of my dear friend it yells at me that I have damaged it, it is also is head turner and you have to open it quick and fast.....OR I could blog about how I asked Kevin to take his shop-vac down to the basement (just a side note we are using the shop-vac because our vacuumed decided it life span was up....) and as he walking downstairs the shop-vac decided to lose its lid therefore allowing all of it dusty and dirty insides to sprawl all over our steps, tennis shoes, and tile! I promise that even as I right this I do have a smile on my face, and when the shop-vac fell, I did laugh…a little.
Here a few pics...

Could it Be?

It snowed yesterday! The first beautiful snow of the season. If you know anything about me then you know my favorite seasons are fall and winter. I love carving pumpkins, drinking pumpkin spice coffee, blowing leaves (until moving in this house where we have 31 trees in our front yard, we just blow the leaves into our neighbors yard....j/k Bill...), I love picking out a Christmas trees, seeing school cancelled because there was a dusting of snow, drinking hot chocolate, and lets not mention the cute outfits- more layers is better and that is the best way to cover up an imperfect body!

So...after my downer of a blog the other day, that I am sure caused many faces to drop and I am sure got responses of "oh my our poor Beth, she has fallen so far that now she is cussing....whatever will we do?" (PRAY) I decided that we needed a blog to let you know that even in the darkest moments His light is shining, pointing the way to freedom, and yesterday that was through the snow not the shit (ha ha, I just had too!).