Bring it.

I am almost intimated to open my blog. The blank screen and screaming words inside my heart just leave me overwhelmed. So normally, I walk away. I am up early this morning (surprise!) I was suppose to go on a 80mi bike ride. Its raining...and me already on a bike, on the road,is death defying, I decided not to factor in the rain. So I am going to hop on my trainer for a littler bit before we are in full swing of Saturday morning activities.

If you follow me at all you know my struggle of early mornings, quiet times, being still...finding a balance in the middle of a crazy cyclone that is my life. yeah...I still haven't found it. I have quiet times (surprise!) and they are sweet sweet moments, and they happen everyday from around 12:30-2 when Asa naps and Kars lays down with me and watches a couple of shows. And you know what I do? Well let me tell you what I DON'T do...I do not pull out my Bible, I do not catch up on overwhelming never ending house work, I do not sit in silence...no....none of those things. I catch up on Gilmore girls, or facebook stalk, or look at all the fun creative things of pinterest....that I WILL CLEARLY NEVER DO. Yes....this is it.  I don't know why I am telling you all of this...(again, whoever the you is) I think because I desperately want others to know the struggle is real and you are not alone...because from what I understand this is a normal struggle for most. And I am not saying that it is ok, but I am also not saying it is not ok (confused? yeah me too...why are you still reading?) I think what I am trying to say is that God is in the daily moments, even in giving me the 1.5 hrs to shut my brain off, to not think about the house, or kids, or struggles. I bring Jesus into my every moment. I cry out to Him daily.

Lately the struggle has been real with my Jaden boy. Now here is where writing can be a bit intimidating. My honest-open book-say whatever-leave it on the table- personality wants to share some of my struggles of being an adoptive mom. To be honest I don't think we (adopted mommas) talk enough about what it looks like on the inside. One because we never want our kids to feel different, out of place...or that we love them differently...although...all those things are true...and two...its their lives...their story...their future, past and present that I opening up about...I NEED to be protective. I will say these things though. Jaden is a 110% ours, he was the moment we learned of him, and the love for him was so very easy. Jaden, is 110% adopted, that fact although I do not spend my every waking day with Jaden thinking about that...that is a fact.  He was birthed from Liesl, he has a birth family that we recognize and honor, he has a story unlike any of my other children....So when it comes to loving Jaden...clearly I love him differently. I pray for him differently, I cry out to God for him differently. And although I do this for all my children we cannot pretend that this is not a BIG thing in Jaden's life.

Jaden turned 6 a couple of months ago...and its like his little world became a lot bigger and not so little. And these big thoughts were becoming very real for Jaden...he is trying to figure them out, to put them together...can you even imagine doing this at 6? At any age really....I cannot. As months go by and as the journey continues one thing is clear. God is after this boys heart. I can clearly see it in our everyday interaction with Jaden. You know what else I see? Satan hates it. HATES. IT. Never not once have we ever spoken words of Jaden that sound anything like this: "Jaden, you are not good enough to be a Tanner.." I cringe even typing those words. Yet. My 6 year old son in a moment of anger and frustration will scream similar words. How? How does he know such words to gather up and throw at his parents? We do not watch shows that say those words, or speak those words...Satan. You whispering, sleazy, no good..stealer and liar. We have been countering these words with Gods words and truth. Speaking them over him as often as we can, teaching him the difference between truth and lies...and what a lesson it has been for this mom. Daily. I struggle with the same thing I just do not voice them as loud or as vocal as my innocent child. No...I harbor them down deep and tie them up to the corners of my soul and pretend they do not exist. It is pitiful. I'm over it.

So. Here it is. A fight for my sons heart and soul is on. I know it is on for each of them. Choosing to raise them as warriors is going right up against satan himself. With Jaden I am taking on generational sins, anger, and brokenness and putting an end to it. It ends with JADEN. It will not be carried on.  These endless battles are exhausting but they are needed (so is the glass of wine each day...) And when I adopted Jaden, I as his mom and Kevin as his dad said "this boy...he is Gods." Watch out world. Jaden is coming.

It is Well

It is well with my soul. not easy words to really embrace in my heart. Is it really well in in my soul? really? I want to so desperately fall into the words and let them change my heart, my life, my being.  But.

I can utter those words. I can type them out. I can whisper them. I can shout them. And I CAN speak them over others. But can I believe them. Can I say that I honestly deeply believe, that it is well with my soul?

I can. When my eyes are on you Jesus. When my eyes are really on you. When my head does not turn, mind does not wonder, my eyes don't go looking. I can let go, I can believe, I can fall into those words so easily. And it so right. So so right. Until my eyes catch glimpse of the sorrow that lays before me. the brokenness that sweeps over the reality of our lives. Then. Then is it well?

It is it well that you take my best friend, my brother at such a young age? it it well with my soul, when I pleaded for years...years....years for his healing. believing embracing and wanting with every part of who I am for him to walk, to stand to LIVE. Is it well? It is not well.......it is not well with my flesh. it hurts, it still hurts. it will never stop hurting. is that well?

Is it well when I walk through the overwhelming grief of my dearests closest friend loosing her baby? is it well, when we lay on the floor in tears of unbelief and confusion? is it well then? No. it is not well with my flesh. My heart aches, I scream, I cry out and I do not and will not understand it.

It is well when my dearest and closest friend faces yet another scary and unimaginable situation of facing cancer with her husband? No. no it is not well.

Is it well? shootings, death, rapes, cancer, loss, sickness....grief...fear...is it well?

It is not well in my flesh, and is not even well in my spirit...until. I stop. and I focus. and I catch the eyes of JESUS. His name, utter His name. Then. and only then is it well. As I crawl, broken, weary, beat up and torn down to feet of Jesus. When He looks down and lifts my heavy head to see his eye's. Then and only then can my soul say it is well with my soul.. Oh Jesus, then I can say IT IS WELL. Jesus, you make it well. Not because you take it away, or provide answers, but because of who you are, the very essence of who you are, you Jesus you are the Well.

Bless it be the name of my JESUS. I can then throw off the burdens, the suffering, the fear, I throw it off and raise my hands, I can lift my head and stand to my feet and I can scream it is WELL because of JESUS that it is. It is because HE IS.

I weep. I weep. Oh Jesus you are the well of my soul.

I have yet to find my groove with school. But it is coming! It is so crazy and beyond surreal that I have school aged kids attending public school. The school the boys are attending is exactly 1mi away. I love this. I love that Kevin gets to do the morning routine with them and take them to school. I especially love this because I get to stay in my pjs longer and drink my coffee slower. 

School has been such a blessing! I love the boys teachers and I see the benefits of the boys being in school. Ty desperately needs it for routine and structure and Jaden loves the social interaction. Jaden even told me "mom home is so boring, school is so fun!" I couldn't ask for anything more! 

First day of school pic! 

Karsten also started school two weeks ago. This was hard on me...and him. But needed. He loves to be with us and struggles with separation anxiety. He is also very much a "middle" child. One foot in the little camp and one fit in the big camp. I can see him struggling. He needs to be in an environment that's focused on him a bit. The first two days were hard, but you can see the confidence growing and his excitement for school becoming more and more evident! 

I'm so proud of him and excited for him! 

This is also a great change in my norm because it gives me some alone time with Asa! We spend it most times running and at the park! 

For now that's a wrap! 

Incorporating

This is what it looked like today. Choosing to embrace the noise while having my "quiet" time. One day it will be all to quiet. 

Also. Going to try really hard to turn the Tv off more and turning on the praise music more. 

I have Decided. (I hate mornings.)

Ok. I am sure you (and you being the grand total of 5 people who read my blog...bless you.) are curious how my "early morning" "spiritual transformation" is going. Uh uh??? Oh let me just give you a little peak..... 

Yes. Yes. This is what thinking...and did you catch that (not doing, or have been doing, or even trying...)? THINKING people! About getting up has done to me. I'm not joking. Just the plain thought of arising blissfully out of bed at 5:30 or 5:45 or damit even 6am leaves me...well....leaves me crazy, insane, and with a not so slight twitch. So where does that leave me? Well. Free! 

Serousily freed up. And it happened last week, and has been continuing to happen. And conformation? Oh from friends, and texts, and people along the way who have encouraged me NOT to

Get up early! Yup! Even those people who are in my book  "super spiritual," and "totally have it together" and "top notch, right hand to Jesus Himself" kind of people.... Have been encouraging. 

Now. I have some work. I defiantly  feel like the early morning, calling in my spirit was Jesus. I don't doubt one bit in my mind that the days I got up early were needed and wanted. I don't doubt that He will call me to it again. But here's the thing. For this season I actually believe in my heart He called me to it to fail at it. Yup. And insert super spiritual Bible scripture that I should have but don't.".instead a quote from the book of Bethisms chapter 5,000..."

But I do think of Abraham and Isaac. Climbing the mountain and every step thinking he was going to sacrifice his son... God needed Abraham to submit. And I am by no means comparing my early morning (ok maybe a little...come on sleep...son....same thing...) to The sacrifice of a son...but more the essence of the story. Everyday we are asked to lay down our fleshly desires for the desires of God, our wants for His...all for His glory...

I feel as though God wanted me to try. Show Him I would and then he released me of it. And the whole time knowing I would fail miserably. I needed to do it to also come to this point. Getting up early only to fall asleep in the chair...or getting frustrated with my kids everytime they wake up in the middle of the night, or being frustrated all day long because I am exhausted...is it worth it?! No. No. No. 

It is not. 

I still need to figure out incorporating quiet times into my daily routine...with kids...and training for my tri...with kids...and being on this "spiritual transformation..." With kids, because that is MY REALITY! "With kids" is my beautiful, wonderful, prayed for, reality. 

Today I put everyone down for naps. They needed it desperately the kids were crazy exhausted. And so today I got a sweet surrendering moment. Thank you Jesus. And in three days school starts. My life will shift, routines will begin...life will change. And me with it. 

Until then. I am just a simple mom, with a crazy crew, and a whole lot of Jesus grace bursting within. May you read this and either feel way more spiritual

and put together then me (yay you 😊😊), or a little less crazy then me,

Or comforted by the fact that you are not alone in this journey. Or maybe you read the first line and saw the picture and moved on...probably what I would of done! 

His grace is sufficient, His strength enough, and His love abundant!

Zion

Sweet Zi. We got Zion a month after we were married. Look how young we were. Zi is a Skye Terrier and he is a unique bread. They only bread so many a year in the US. We didn't realize how unique Zion was until after we had him for awhile. We fell in love with Zi the first time we saw him, but his price tag was a hefty one at $1,000. We being newly weds, did not have that kind of money. We left the pet store so sad. I made Kevin call them several times that evening to see if he was still there. They told us that he would be 16weeks the next day and if he had not sold they would drop his price down to $800. Well....we still couldn't afford that. That morning we headed straight back to the pet store. Im not sure what we hoped would happen. We had 350. When we walked in, there he was...in all his mopey, big eared self. We were in love. I held him close to two hours. And during that time struck up a conversation with a lady looking into buying a puppy. She asked me questions and we shared about how newly married we were, away from family and friends. She asked us why we didn't by Zi and we told her how much we could afford. She turned around looked the manager in the eye and said "Drop this dog down to $600, I pay what the difference of what this couple could afford." We were in awe, who does this? I'm telling you, I look for the face of Jesus everyday and He has yet to disappoint me. I can't even remember her name, what she looked like, but I remember he showing me Jesus. She looked at me and said "my husband just passed away, I can't think of a better way to honor him." Honor him she did. Zion, was a daily reminder of the amazing God we serve. He is in the details, in the business of story telling the greatest of author of unbelievable moments. Zion was a gift everyday, through my darkest of dark he was there, and in my most filled joy moments, he was there. What a friend he was. It was hard to say goodbye, and even though we knew it was the right thing he will be greatly missed.

What Can I Do?

A couple of weeks ago when I felt The Lord asking me for my mornings I did tell Him "I don't like alarm clocks. Just wake me up..." I would like to advise you NOT to pray this unless you really mean it. He has woken me up via children...every.morning. This morning it was Kars at 4:25. I fell asleep In his bed till 5:30. And then fought the urge to crawl in bed....I am however fighting the thought of running. I am still undecided.

I'm glad I got up though. Like always He had something to stirr in my heart. This one makes me really excited and a bit uneasy. My best (Jamie) and I talk almost everyday. Many conversations about the world around us and helplessness it gives us. She has really been pressed to do something. I have been praying about what that something is. 

I do know that one of the biggest and most important things I can do is raise my 4 warriors. They will by Gods grace be generation changers and world shakers. I know that I know my job as their mom is the most valuable and most important thing in my life. I know this- and if you are a parent reading this know that for yourself as well! Do not for one second let satan rob you or fill you with lies that your "job" as parent is unimportant. 

But I also believe that God has gifted me as an Individual to influence (by His grace and for His glory) the world and people He has placed me in. This morning he led me to this sight. (Link at bottom of the page.) ifgathering. Have you heard of this? It looks amazing and speaks to my heart. One thing I have always loved that I know is a direct gift from God is prayer. I

Have seen revivals start, healing take place, and God shake the ground during prayer. It is powerful. And I can do it. And you can do it. And we can all do it. And I believe when we ALL do it, it is unshakable, unbelievable, unleashing, moment. I want and need that in my life. So....I think I need to host. I need to pull ladies from my community. We need to hit our knees. We need to influence our community....but not by our words. By His power. 

What's amazing about all of this is that I have been talking to Jesus about praying with the women around me as school starts. For our kids, for their generation. I see God using one thread to pull all these things together....

What do you think? Oh- I took the comment section down on my blog. Ha! You have to to email me- which is listed on my page but is also silvertannner@gmail.com

Let's be world changers. I think us stay at home weary mamas can be!

His grace is daily. 

https://ifgathering.com/gather/ifpray-2015/

Failing Expectations OR Stollen Moments

What do you say? 

This kid kept me up from 3:30am-5:30! He was bright eyes and mister funny pants at 4:15. He rolled on me, pulled my hair, stuck fingers in my ears... At one point Kevin came to check on him because he was being so loud, Kevin said he was bouncing on me, smiling and playing. Bless it. I was laying there trying my hardest to sleep. 

Between 4:30-5am I was praying. 

"Lord, and you want me up?"

"Aren't you up right now?" 

"Well yes, but don't you want me up, like the Asian girl in pic...."

"No. I just want your moments Beth."

Becoming legalistic is not Jesus. And the constant feeling of failure is not Jesus.  Setting rules and expectations and then feeling like a disappointment...Is not Jesus. 

That above picture is how I am updating my blog. I update on my phone. One. I suck at spelling...oh you haven't noticed? (Liar). Two. I never really caught on to grammar. ...oh sorry my sweetest editing friends. Three. Updating with kids on your lap and on a phone....well. Nuff said. 

But I am doing it. 

Praying in the middle of the night while your toddler rolls over you and claps in victory. That is pleasing. 

Seeking His face in all moments in the day. Like doing 8 loads of laundry or while scrubbing pee off the toilets for the hundredth time. Yes. That is pleasing. And let me tell you, we are rejecting the feeling of failure and we are stealing back those moments from Satan! Nope. You can not have them! 

Tired, weary, exhausted mamas...steal back those moments. Sometimes my prayer is a simple one "Jesus. I can't catch up. I am drowning. They are taking over....but I love you." That is just as pleasing as getting up at 5 with the sun and seeking His face. Y'all. He doesn't want perfection, He just wants us. I am learning this.

His grace is sufficient, His strength is enough! 

Happy cleaning toilets day!

Laundry

This is what a weekend "off"

Looks like. A weekend where I hit the pause button and didn't do laundry for 2 days. 2....2 I tell you. I had 8 loads to catch up on. For real. 8. 

Nuff said about that. 

Early mornings are still a fight. Fight for consistency ...what do you do when one kid was up from 3:30-4:30 and you want to get up at 5? Survival I tell you....that and grace...oh and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. 

His grace is sufficient, His strength enough. 

Happy laundry day!  

Bless the Reality.

Yes. This is me at 5:30 in the morning. Yup. Defiantly. Especially after last night. When I saw every hour of the night. Asa was up, Kars was up, and then the best was when the boys left their army truck right out side my door and it started yelling "ATTACK." And the guns and missle sounds started going off. Yeah. This is defiantly the way I look...oh and feel. 

Or. 

Maybe more like this. Reality. Oh and this is WITH my attempt to do my hair AND I am dressed because I'll leave in 30min for an early morning ride. Yes. I do love a good selfie. 

Bless it. Bless it y'all! His Grace is sufficient, His strength is enough. 

Still slowly working through the Psalms. Today's was 10.

Have a peace filled joy choosing day!

Saying yes.

Saying yes is hard to do with 4 boys 5 and under. 

"Can I ride my bike down the slide?"

Uh.......no

"Can I have ice cream for breakfast?"

"Can I tie this "you name it..." To

Zi (our beloved 11 year old dog)"

"Can we jump off this? Or that?"

"Can we jump of that rock on our bikes?"

You get the idea....

So when I can say "yes" I try really hard to do it. Even despite my wanting to. So when they asked if they could do this? I said yes.

However 10min later I was reminded why I usually say no, 

And the bloody nose ended the fun.

Life...beautiful. Messy. Busy. Crazy. Life.

This is my view while updating the blog.

I have lacked on my early rising. Thankful His grace is sufficient and His patience is unending...and He never gives up....not even for a moment. 

We decided last minute to pack up and drive to my moms. And by "we" I mean me and the boys. Kevin had a business trip. So I ventured on my own to moms. And we made it. And it was sweet. And I'm exhausted. 

My thoughts were interrupted by this view. 

Oh my, never boring. He did actually go!

Anyway....

Because we went to moms it threw my "routine" off.  The last night at moms Asa woke up with croupe so I did not sleep well. Last night my husband kept me up with his snoring. Bless it. Always something. But I'll find my way back on track. I know it's what I need and I want it. 

I feel like the above picture is such a great example of my life. You can't see it well but what this is a picture of is my Bible, journal and a book I am "reading" also know as "looking at and dreaming of reading one day." Anyway. The littles took these things. Opened the fire place. Pulled out ashes and spread them all over my things. This was after I got the van and crew dressed, packed, and loaded up. Asa and Kars did this. In a matter of seconds. This is one of the many things I face in my day. They have brought in mud and sand and dumped it all over the carpet, they have painted with tooth paste, colored walls with markers, dumped sour cream all over the floor, crushed chalk into the carpet, filled toilets with dog food, painted furniture with makeup, dumped q-tips in the sink, put rolls of toilet paper in the sink and left the sink running- yeah I heard it flowing to the floor. And the listdoesn't end. And it's ok, it's my life, and it is not becaus I "let" them do these things or that I don't care. It's just my reality of having this many littles so close in age. Most days I'm ok. I love my life and really do have joy and contentment, but there are days. Those days...you know...that leave you breathless, bruised, and with a slight twitch. Those days. When I can't keep up and feel as though I am drowning. But then I survive, my kids all live, and the next day is peaceful. So I weather through "those days" and know the peace is on the other side. The peace is always on the other side...always....but you do have to choose it, Rise above it and let yourself feel it, see it, and embrace it! So today I am choosing it. But I am also choosing this...

TV watching, pj wearing, vacuum sitting, mess staying, day. And this day will bring peace, joy, happiness. And we will live fully in it! 

5:45am. I am up. I am also headed out for a ride this morning when the sun starts glissoning the earth. I am up. 

I am on day  5 of getting up early? I think. Ha! Yesterday it was 6:20am. Not early enough, Jaden was right behind me and Kars followed his heels. I was not able to get in my quiet time. 

Thursday afternoon. I was cooking dinner, kids were running around and Kevin walked in from work like normal, holding the mail like normal. What wasn't normal was what was in the mail.

He held out an envelope addressed plainly to "Kevin and Beth Tanner." No address, no return address. In it was this letter and a check. Y'all. This. 

We stood there, mouths propped open and hearts stirred and minds buzzing. Who? Why? Us? We just couldn't believe it. 

Both Kevin and I try so hard not to complain. We know...KNOW. Absolutely know how blessed we are. Blessed beyond our ability to even put into words. We have seen God provide time and time again. We have never had something like this. 

In my other post the other day I spoke about the expensive summer it was. One of the things this expensive summer did was force us to trim excess expense, to study our budget and make surewe are  spending  in the right places. And please hear me when I say we are by no means perfect...we still have cable y'all...and smart phones....we are just fine. We just want to be responsible with what HE has placed in our hands- at the end of everyday it is His anyway. 

Before we bought the newer van, we were 3,000 dollars away from finishing off the loan we had borrowed and accumulated when adopting Jaden. It wasn't all his loan- we also had other things that fell into that loan the last 5 years. But Jadens total adoption fees were over 20,000. I know we have only shared this with our closest friends and family. The fact that this gift was toward a that, something so close to being finished. God. Only Gods fingerprints were wrapped up in that. 

But it wasn't the check that sent goosebumps down my back and up my arms. No. The money was an extra bonus and something we feel we do not deserve. It was that letter and specially this line "The Lord loves you. He is pleased with you. He is with you. You have His rapt attention." That line. Still echoing in my heart, burrying roots deep into my soul. 

Getting up early is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I can feel the clarity, the clouds moving aside and the rays of sun shining through. May I continue in obedience. I don't think that letter came on behalf of my getting up early. BUT I do think the timing is perfect and God the lover of details knew that too. 

And if that letter was from you, someone who reads this blog. You made an impact. And we look forward to the day when we can do the same. Thank you. 

This kid.

This is the kid preventing me from going to bed and resting. This is us laying in his bed. And he is all laughs and giggles. And if I even attempt to walk out of the room he screams...who wants that? 

So here we sit. Waiting. For Asa John to finally get sleepy. Bless it. 

Arise...ok. 6:30am

Well. I crawled out of bed at 6:30am. Our sweet Karsten has been going through something for three years (he Is three....) it's called "I want my mom in my bed" syndrome and it is an epidemic in my house. I have a "strict"....um rule. "No one in mommys bed..." Somehow the other three get this. Kars. Not so much. Most nights I don't stress to much about it. I lay on his bed with a blanket that covers the top part of my body, and a red fox as a pillow and I sleep or lay there while he wrestles with his bed. He is just an unsettled sleeper. We usually do this routine once a night. And then about 6am he ends up in my bed. That I don't mind. We snuggle up and will sleep until 7:30am and it is blissful. Last night he was in our bed at 3am and I let him sleep there until his foot was on Kevin's head and I became the pillow. I reached my max at 4:45 and took him back up to bed. I wanted to be up by 5:45....but 6:30 is what it is. My already plan is to get my quiet moments in and then when he wakes up go back to bed with him....yes. That's my plan. 

Today's Psalm was chapter 6.  

We have been hit lately with some financial turbulence. We are fine, the plane is defiantly not going down- but it's just been hard. Broken vans, broken arms, messed up teeth (that would be me with a  double root canal...), broken trucks, broken dryer (that one turned in our favor...bless the warranty!) and throw in a couple rounds of strep and dr. Appointments...you have yourself and summer of expensive. It always feels so out of control, so desperate, so scary. Like the hits keep hitting. However, it's not the depths of despair, it's life.  And I am learning we just have to keep our eye focused up. And keep on keeping on. God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. With the babes, with this house, with the move, our friends, Kevin's work...the list seems to never end, and defiantly out weighs the hits list. 

Today's Pslam did not make me say "yes Lord, hear me in my despair, rescue me from my darkness, send a boat out of my swimming bed of tears..." Because y'all I have been there. I have said those prayers, cried those tears. Felt that despair. Losing my beloved Gram. Losing my sweet babies. And the one I still will at times wrestle with...losing my sweet Daniel. Another story for another time. The reality is, I have felt that. And feeling like that makes these things look like a box of candy. It is rough. It is frustrating, it is enough to give you a bad day with some angry tears....however, It will NOT drown me or send me under. Sorry satan not today. Thank you Jesus...thank you!

Spiritual Transformation

Recently I have been feeling a nudging from The Lord. A sweet, gentle tugging on my heart. The kind of tugging that you know is from Jesus, because it just won't go away. He is beckoning me. A fire waiting to be flamed. And there are moments when I want nothing more. And there are moments when....I don't want it at all. Honest. "Lord I am drowning as it is. One more thing might put me under water." "I am. I am. I am." Always follows my feeble....fuss. "I am. ENOUGH. I am. YOURS. I am. Protecting, carrying, guiding, loving,.....I AM." 

It is true and I know it. The Lord wants me to blog again. To share my journey through parenting these four crazies....eh blessings. I don't really know why. I know I am failing daily and that God fills the gaps. I know I defiantly don't have it all together. I know. However, there is something uniquely beautiful to having 4 boys....to having 4 boys in 3 years....to having 4 boys in three years all under the age of soon to be 6....

I am a dry, tired, hanging on, missing moments, seeking joy, momma of 4 boys. I want to LOOK UP, I want to THRIVE, not just live. But I have some work to do. 

I love being a mom. Love it. I don t doubt my calling as mom. I spend some days sad to think of not having littles around....but I also struggle with what most of us moms struggle with. Signifagance, non comparing, confidence....and feeling far from God in the midst of a crazy, never ending, demanding life. 

The Lord wants my mornings. The conversation goes a bit like this. 

"Lord you want my mornings.........?"

"Yes." 

"Like...wakeup...mornings?"

"Yes"

"Like.....I have had a sleepless night with Kars....and I still need to get up mornings?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." 

"Beth. I want your mornings."

So as much as God wants my mornings satan does not. I swear for the last couple of weeks of this pressing Satan is just as deliberate at making sure I don't sleep. And so I have been in disobedience. And Hopefully my next post will be in the mornings, in obedience. He is not angry or disappointed at my sleeping, He is gentle and patient. But I am missing out on some presious gifts and I won't receive them...until my actions and behavior and heart change. 

My journey is much like a weight loss journey. People love to post their pictures of success, they should. They are proud and want people to see. I get it. I feel like I need to do the same but not physical...spiritual. So I can document it. And when I hit the drought I can look back at manna. And remember. 

So I am going to for the moment work thorough the Psalms. This morning my time with The Lord was with littles crawling on me and sticking stickers on me. But look at this verse I read first thing. 

The scribble is from Asa BY THE WAY. 

Two "in the MORNINGS." Oh Lord I hear you. I do. Give me strength not by my own but by through you. That I will arise with an eager heart to what you have for me! 

Maybe you to want to come on this spiritual journey with me? Will you arise with an eager heart? Meet me at the feet of Jesus. With open eyes, and listening ears? I am anxious to see what The Lord wants to reveal to us tired and weary mamas. 

Easter Sunday

Kevin and I had a sweet opportunity to share with our congregation on Easter Sunday. We were given "Words of Love" and spoke on some of Christ's final words. This is what Christ gave to me a couple of weeks ago, and I don't want forget it or lose it.. It was such a God filled, ordained moment and I am forever grateful for it.

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene.  When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman,^b here is your son,”  and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

Some of Jesus’ final, last words. The last words He would ever utter. And these were some of the ones He chose. When asked to share a testimony on words of love, you know that the Father had every bit of divine interaction when choosing us.  We are undeserving of the story He has chosen to tell for us, and from the beginning of that story, we have said we wanted to always give glory to the one who ultimately deserved it.  I can’t think of a better way, or for that fact…a better day.

Many of you might not know that We struggled to get to the wild, crazy, fun, and sometimes insane amount of boys that we have. But it was a journey. We had three years of infertility, and wrapped between those years we had two very difficult and scary losses. A tragic story, that really looked hopeless, impossible, and needed spirit filled intervention. Our last lost was one that left me crippled both emotionally and physically. I was unable to try again for a year. And if you have ever tried to have a baby, a year is an eternity. Especially when you have been looked at with question and doubt…

Our first born son, came from deep deep love and sacrifice, much like the love of Jesus’ last words utter to his precious mother and his closest disciple and friend. Our first born son, was not born from my womb but from a womb of a precious girl who chose life and sacrifice. Our sweet girl, Jaden’s birthmom, chose in the moment of what looked like mistake, hopelessness, fear and tragedy, to act in the most sacrificial love that is possible. She gave her son to us. To Love as our own, to cherish as our own, to embrace…as our own.  Her love for Jaden, for us, has always to this day been a reflection of Gods greatest love in my life.

   

Jesus. In the greatest moment of love, made a choice of sacrifiing  his own life, and in that moment He looked upon his mother with affection. He remembered Mary, and in that moment spoke the deepest words of love to her. He was loving Mary deeply to give her a son, to love, to fulfill that mothers desire. He was loving Mary, by taking care of her. By letting her go, and placing her in the hands of John, he knew that she would take care of him, and that John would in turn would take care of her.

And he was loving John, by choosing Him…Jesus loved his mom, in that moment I believe Jesus looked at Mary and John with human love wrapped in Godly affection. He was seeing his mom and he knew the ache she would have, and he was looking at John, and knew what he was asking. What an honor for John…to be given Jesus’s mother to love and care for….And ultimately he was doing both of these things…to give them life. The greatest of all sacrifices, in his life alone.

5 years ago, a young 17 old mother, did the same. She gave life. She gave life to a vibrant, exuberant, ecstatic little boy….and she gave life, and healing, to a broken mother with the greatest desires. A story that Satan wanted to paint as tragedy, that God used as VICTORY.  Today we stand before a community we are proud to call family. A year ago this month we moved here unknowing what things God had in store for our family. In a moment of what looked like sacrifice…God has blessed tenfold. Great sacrifice always brings great reward. We can remember that today of all days. The greatest sacrifice ever given, a son, a life, for forgiveness and eternal heavenly union with our Father. Sorrow, for a moment. Joy for eternity. We must always look to the cross in every situation we are faced with. Looking at the cross will remind us that with tragedy, sorrow, loss, and hopelessness was nailed to that Cross…But Victory always come, Victory is ours, Victory is in the name of Jesus. HE HAS RISEN.