Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Spiritual Transformation

Recently I have been feeling a nudging from The Lord. A sweet, gentle tugging on my heart. The kind of tugging that you know is from Jesus, because it just won't go away. He is beckoning me. A fire waiting to be flamed. And there are moments when I want nothing more. And there are moments when....I don't want it at all. Honest. "Lord I am drowning as it is. One more thing might put me under water." "I am. I am. I am." Always follows my feeble....fuss. "I am. ENOUGH. I am. YOURS. I am. Protecting, carrying, guiding, loving,.....I AM." 

It is true and I know it. The Lord wants me to blog again. To share my journey through parenting these four crazies....eh blessings. I don't really know why. I know I am failing daily and that God fills the gaps. I know I defiantly don't have it all together. I know. However, there is something uniquely beautiful to having 4 boys....to having 4 boys in 3 years....to having 4 boys in three years all under the age of soon to be 6....

I am a dry, tired, hanging on, missing moments, seeking joy, momma of 4 boys. I want to LOOK UP, I want to THRIVE, not just live. But I have some work to do. 

I love being a mom. Love it. I don t doubt my calling as mom. I spend some days sad to think of not having littles around....but I also struggle with what most of us moms struggle with. Signifagance, non comparing, confidence....and feeling far from God in the midst of a crazy, never ending, demanding life. 

The Lord wants my mornings. The conversation goes a bit like this. 

"Lord you want my mornings.........?"
"Yes." 
"Like...wakeup...mornings?"
"Yes"
"Like.....I have had a sleepless night with Kars....and I still need to get up mornings?"
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes." 
"Beth. I want your mornings."

So as much as God wants my mornings satan does not. I swear for the last couple of weeks of this pressing Satan is just as deliberate at making sure I don't sleep. And so I have been in disobedience. And Hopefully my next post will be in the mornings, in obedience. He is not angry or disappointed at my sleeping, He is gentle and patient. But I am missing out on some presious gifts and I won't receive them...until my actions and behavior and heart change. 

My journey is much like a weight loss journey. People love to post their pictures of success, they should. They are proud and want people to see. I get it. I feel like I need to do the same but not physical...spiritual. So I can document it. And when I hit the drought I can look back at manna. And remember. 

So I am going to for the moment work thorough the Psalms. This morning my time with The Lord was with littles crawling on me and sticking stickers on me. But look at this verse I read first thing. 


The scribble is from Asa BY THE WAY. 

Two "in the MORNINGS." Oh Lord I hear you. I do. Give me strength not by my own but by through you. That I will arise with an eager heart to what you have for me! 

Maybe you to want to come on this spiritual journey with me? Will you arise with an eager heart? Meet me at the feet of Jesus. With open eyes, and listening ears? I am anxious to see what The Lord wants to reveal to us tired and weary mamas.