Zion

Sweet Zi. We got Zion a month after we were married. Look how young we were. Zi is a Skye Terrier and he is a unique bread. They only bread so many a year in the US. We didn't realize how unique Zion was until after we had him for awhile. We fell in love with Zi the first time we saw him, but his price tag was a hefty one at $1,000. We being newly weds, did not have that kind of money. We left the pet store so sad. I made Kevin call them several times that evening to see if he was still there. They told us that he would be 16weeks the next day and if he had not sold they would drop his price down to $800. Well....we still couldn't afford that. That morning we headed straight back to the pet store. Im not sure what we hoped would happen. We had 350. When we walked in, there he was...in all his mopey, big eared self. We were in love. I held him close to two hours. And during that time struck up a conversation with a lady looking into buying a puppy. She asked me questions and we shared about how newly married we were, away from family and friends. She asked us why we didn't by Zi and we told her how much we could afford. She turned around looked the manager in the eye and said "Drop this dog down to $600, I pay what the difference of what this couple could afford." We were in awe, who does this? I'm telling you, I look for the face of Jesus everyday and He has yet to disappoint me. I can't even remember her name, what she looked like, but I remember he showing me Jesus. She looked at me and said "my husband just passed away, I can't think of a better way to honor him." Honor him she did. Zion, was a daily reminder of the amazing God we serve. He is in the details, in the business of story telling the greatest of author of unbelievable moments. Zion was a gift everyday, through my darkest of dark he was there, and in my most filled joy moments, he was there. What a friend he was. It was hard to say goodbye, and even though we knew it was the right thing he will be greatly missed.

What Can I Do?

A couple of weeks ago when I felt The Lord asking me for my mornings I did tell Him "I don't like alarm clocks. Just wake me up..." I would like to advise you NOT to pray this unless you really mean it. He has woken me up via children...every.morning. This morning it was Kars at 4:25. I fell asleep In his bed till 5:30. And then fought the urge to crawl in bed....I am however fighting the thought of running. I am still undecided.

I'm glad I got up though. Like always He had something to stirr in my heart. This one makes me really excited and a bit uneasy. My best (Jamie) and I talk almost everyday. Many conversations about the world around us and helplessness it gives us. She has really been pressed to do something. I have been praying about what that something is. 

I do know that one of the biggest and most important things I can do is raise my 4 warriors. They will by Gods grace be generation changers and world shakers. I know that I know my job as their mom is the most valuable and most important thing in my life. I know this- and if you are a parent reading this know that for yourself as well! Do not for one second let satan rob you or fill you with lies that your "job" as parent is unimportant. 

But I also believe that God has gifted me as an Individual to influence (by His grace and for His glory) the world and people He has placed me in. This morning he led me to this sight. (Link at bottom of the page.) ifgathering. Have you heard of this? It looks amazing and speaks to my heart. One thing I have always loved that I know is a direct gift from God is prayer. I

Have seen revivals start, healing take place, and God shake the ground during prayer. It is powerful. And I can do it. And you can do it. And we can all do it. And I believe when we ALL do it, it is unshakable, unbelievable, unleashing, moment. I want and need that in my life. So....I think I need to host. I need to pull ladies from my community. We need to hit our knees. We need to influence our community....but not by our words. By His power. 

What's amazing about all of this is that I have been talking to Jesus about praying with the women around me as school starts. For our kids, for their generation. I see God using one thread to pull all these things together....

What do you think? Oh- I took the comment section down on my blog. Ha! You have to to email me- which is listed on my page but is also silvertannner@gmail.com

Let's be world changers. I think us stay at home weary mamas can be!

His grace is daily. 

https://ifgathering.com/gather/ifpray-2015/

Failing Expectations OR Stollen Moments

What do you say? 

This kid kept me up from 3:30am-5:30! He was bright eyes and mister funny pants at 4:15. He rolled on me, pulled my hair, stuck fingers in my ears... At one point Kevin came to check on him because he was being so loud, Kevin said he was bouncing on me, smiling and playing. Bless it. I was laying there trying my hardest to sleep. 

Between 4:30-5am I was praying. 

"Lord, and you want me up?"

"Aren't you up right now?" 

"Well yes, but don't you want me up, like the Asian girl in pic...."

"No. I just want your moments Beth."

Becoming legalistic is not Jesus. And the constant feeling of failure is not Jesus.  Setting rules and expectations and then feeling like a disappointment...Is not Jesus. 

That above picture is how I am updating my blog. I update on my phone. One. I suck at spelling...oh you haven't noticed? (Liar). Two. I never really caught on to grammar. ...oh sorry my sweetest editing friends. Three. Updating with kids on your lap and on a phone....well. Nuff said. 

But I am doing it. 

Praying in the middle of the night while your toddler rolls over you and claps in victory. That is pleasing. 

Seeking His face in all moments in the day. Like doing 8 loads of laundry or while scrubbing pee off the toilets for the hundredth time. Yes. That is pleasing. And let me tell you, we are rejecting the feeling of failure and we are stealing back those moments from Satan! Nope. You can not have them! 

Tired, weary, exhausted mamas...steal back those moments. Sometimes my prayer is a simple one "Jesus. I can't catch up. I am drowning. They are taking over....but I love you." That is just as pleasing as getting up at 5 with the sun and seeking His face. Y'all. He doesn't want perfection, He just wants us. I am learning this.

His grace is sufficient, His strength is enough! 

Happy cleaning toilets day!

Laundry

This is what a weekend "off"

Looks like. A weekend where I hit the pause button and didn't do laundry for 2 days. 2....2 I tell you. I had 8 loads to catch up on. For real. 8. 

Nuff said about that. 

Early mornings are still a fight. Fight for consistency ...what do you do when one kid was up from 3:30-4:30 and you want to get up at 5? Survival I tell you....that and grace...oh and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. 

His grace is sufficient, His strength enough. 

Happy laundry day!  

Bless the Reality.

Yes. This is me at 5:30 in the morning. Yup. Defiantly. Especially after last night. When I saw every hour of the night. Asa was up, Kars was up, and then the best was when the boys left their army truck right out side my door and it started yelling "ATTACK." And the guns and missle sounds started going off. Yeah. This is defiantly the way I look...oh and feel. 

Or. 

Maybe more like this. Reality. Oh and this is WITH my attempt to do my hair AND I am dressed because I'll leave in 30min for an early morning ride. Yes. I do love a good selfie. 

Bless it. Bless it y'all! His Grace is sufficient, His strength is enough. 

Still slowly working through the Psalms. Today's was 10.

Have a peace filled joy choosing day!

Saying yes.

Saying yes is hard to do with 4 boys 5 and under. 

"Can I ride my bike down the slide?"

Uh.......no

"Can I have ice cream for breakfast?"

"Can I tie this "you name it..." To

Zi (our beloved 11 year old dog)"

"Can we jump off this? Or that?"

"Can we jump of that rock on our bikes?"

You get the idea....

So when I can say "yes" I try really hard to do it. Even despite my wanting to. So when they asked if they could do this? I said yes.

However 10min later I was reminded why I usually say no, 

And the bloody nose ended the fun.

Life...beautiful. Messy. Busy. Crazy. Life.

This is my view while updating the blog.

I have lacked on my early rising. Thankful His grace is sufficient and His patience is unending...and He never gives up....not even for a moment. 

We decided last minute to pack up and drive to my moms. And by "we" I mean me and the boys. Kevin had a business trip. So I ventured on my own to moms. And we made it. And it was sweet. And I'm exhausted. 

My thoughts were interrupted by this view. 

Oh my, never boring. He did actually go!

Anyway....

Because we went to moms it threw my "routine" off.  The last night at moms Asa woke up with croupe so I did not sleep well. Last night my husband kept me up with his snoring. Bless it. Always something. But I'll find my way back on track. I know it's what I need and I want it. 

I feel like the above picture is such a great example of my life. You can't see it well but what this is a picture of is my Bible, journal and a book I am "reading" also know as "looking at and dreaming of reading one day." Anyway. The littles took these things. Opened the fire place. Pulled out ashes and spread them all over my things. This was after I got the van and crew dressed, packed, and loaded up. Asa and Kars did this. In a matter of seconds. This is one of the many things I face in my day. They have brought in mud and sand and dumped it all over the carpet, they have painted with tooth paste, colored walls with markers, dumped sour cream all over the floor, crushed chalk into the carpet, filled toilets with dog food, painted furniture with makeup, dumped q-tips in the sink, put rolls of toilet paper in the sink and left the sink running- yeah I heard it flowing to the floor. And the listdoesn't end. And it's ok, it's my life, and it is not becaus I "let" them do these things or that I don't care. It's just my reality of having this many littles so close in age. Most days I'm ok. I love my life and really do have joy and contentment, but there are days. Those days...you know...that leave you breathless, bruised, and with a slight twitch. Those days. When I can't keep up and feel as though I am drowning. But then I survive, my kids all live, and the next day is peaceful. So I weather through "those days" and know the peace is on the other side. The peace is always on the other side...always....but you do have to choose it, Rise above it and let yourself feel it, see it, and embrace it! So today I am choosing it. But I am also choosing this...

TV watching, pj wearing, vacuum sitting, mess staying, day. And this day will bring peace, joy, happiness. And we will live fully in it! 

5:45am. I am up. I am also headed out for a ride this morning when the sun starts glissoning the earth. I am up. 

I am on day  5 of getting up early? I think. Ha! Yesterday it was 6:20am. Not early enough, Jaden was right behind me and Kars followed his heels. I was not able to get in my quiet time. 

Thursday afternoon. I was cooking dinner, kids were running around and Kevin walked in from work like normal, holding the mail like normal. What wasn't normal was what was in the mail.

He held out an envelope addressed plainly to "Kevin and Beth Tanner." No address, no return address. In it was this letter and a check. Y'all. This. 

We stood there, mouths propped open and hearts stirred and minds buzzing. Who? Why? Us? We just couldn't believe it. 

Both Kevin and I try so hard not to complain. We know...KNOW. Absolutely know how blessed we are. Blessed beyond our ability to even put into words. We have seen God provide time and time again. We have never had something like this. 

In my other post the other day I spoke about the expensive summer it was. One of the things this expensive summer did was force us to trim excess expense, to study our budget and make surewe are  spending  in the right places. And please hear me when I say we are by no means perfect...we still have cable y'all...and smart phones....we are just fine. We just want to be responsible with what HE has placed in our hands- at the end of everyday it is His anyway. 

Before we bought the newer van, we were 3,000 dollars away from finishing off the loan we had borrowed and accumulated when adopting Jaden. It wasn't all his loan- we also had other things that fell into that loan the last 5 years. But Jadens total adoption fees were over 20,000. I know we have only shared this with our closest friends and family. The fact that this gift was toward a that, something so close to being finished. God. Only Gods fingerprints were wrapped up in that. 

But it wasn't the check that sent goosebumps down my back and up my arms. No. The money was an extra bonus and something we feel we do not deserve. It was that letter and specially this line "The Lord loves you. He is pleased with you. He is with you. You have His rapt attention." That line. Still echoing in my heart, burrying roots deep into my soul. 

Getting up early is exactly what I am suppose to be doing. I can feel the clarity, the clouds moving aside and the rays of sun shining through. May I continue in obedience. I don't think that letter came on behalf of my getting up early. BUT I do think the timing is perfect and God the lover of details knew that too. 

And if that letter was from you, someone who reads this blog. You made an impact. And we look forward to the day when we can do the same. Thank you. 

This kid.

This is the kid preventing me from going to bed and resting. This is us laying in his bed. And he is all laughs and giggles. And if I even attempt to walk out of the room he screams...who wants that? 

So here we sit. Waiting. For Asa John to finally get sleepy. Bless it. 

Arise...ok. 6:30am

Well. I crawled out of bed at 6:30am. Our sweet Karsten has been going through something for three years (he Is three....) it's called "I want my mom in my bed" syndrome and it is an epidemic in my house. I have a "strict"....um rule. "No one in mommys bed..." Somehow the other three get this. Kars. Not so much. Most nights I don't stress to much about it. I lay on his bed with a blanket that covers the top part of my body, and a red fox as a pillow and I sleep or lay there while he wrestles with his bed. He is just an unsettled sleeper. We usually do this routine once a night. And then about 6am he ends up in my bed. That I don't mind. We snuggle up and will sleep until 7:30am and it is blissful. Last night he was in our bed at 3am and I let him sleep there until his foot was on Kevin's head and I became the pillow. I reached my max at 4:45 and took him back up to bed. I wanted to be up by 5:45....but 6:30 is what it is. My already plan is to get my quiet moments in and then when he wakes up go back to bed with him....yes. That's my plan. 

Today's Psalm was chapter 6.  

We have been hit lately with some financial turbulence. We are fine, the plane is defiantly not going down- but it's just been hard. Broken vans, broken arms, messed up teeth (that would be me with a  double root canal...), broken trucks, broken dryer (that one turned in our favor...bless the warranty!) and throw in a couple rounds of strep and dr. Appointments...you have yourself and summer of expensive. It always feels so out of control, so desperate, so scary. Like the hits keep hitting. However, it's not the depths of despair, it's life.  And I am learning we just have to keep our eye focused up. And keep on keeping on. God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. With the babes, with this house, with the move, our friends, Kevin's work...the list seems to never end, and defiantly out weighs the hits list. 

Today's Pslam did not make me say "yes Lord, hear me in my despair, rescue me from my darkness, send a boat out of my swimming bed of tears..." Because y'all I have been there. I have said those prayers, cried those tears. Felt that despair. Losing my beloved Gram. Losing my sweet babies. And the one I still will at times wrestle with...losing my sweet Daniel. Another story for another time. The reality is, I have felt that. And feeling like that makes these things look like a box of candy. It is rough. It is frustrating, it is enough to give you a bad day with some angry tears....however, It will NOT drown me or send me under. Sorry satan not today. Thank you Jesus...thank you!

Spiritual Transformation

Recently I have been feeling a nudging from The Lord. A sweet, gentle tugging on my heart. The kind of tugging that you know is from Jesus, because it just won't go away. He is beckoning me. A fire waiting to be flamed. And there are moments when I want nothing more. And there are moments when....I don't want it at all. Honest. "Lord I am drowning as it is. One more thing might put me under water." "I am. I am. I am." Always follows my feeble....fuss. "I am. ENOUGH. I am. YOURS. I am. Protecting, carrying, guiding, loving,.....I AM." 

It is true and I know it. The Lord wants me to blog again. To share my journey through parenting these four crazies....eh blessings. I don't really know why. I know I am failing daily and that God fills the gaps. I know I defiantly don't have it all together. I know. However, there is something uniquely beautiful to having 4 boys....to having 4 boys in 3 years....to having 4 boys in three years all under the age of soon to be 6....

I am a dry, tired, hanging on, missing moments, seeking joy, momma of 4 boys. I want to LOOK UP, I want to THRIVE, not just live. But I have some work to do. 

I love being a mom. Love it. I don t doubt my calling as mom. I spend some days sad to think of not having littles around....but I also struggle with what most of us moms struggle with. Signifagance, non comparing, confidence....and feeling far from God in the midst of a crazy, never ending, demanding life. 

The Lord wants my mornings. The conversation goes a bit like this. 

"Lord you want my mornings.........?"

"Yes." 

"Like...wakeup...mornings?"

"Yes"

"Like.....I have had a sleepless night with Kars....and I still need to get up mornings?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes." 

"Beth. I want your mornings."

So as much as God wants my mornings satan does not. I swear for the last couple of weeks of this pressing Satan is just as deliberate at making sure I don't sleep. And so I have been in disobedience. And Hopefully my next post will be in the mornings, in obedience. He is not angry or disappointed at my sleeping, He is gentle and patient. But I am missing out on some presious gifts and I won't receive them...until my actions and behavior and heart change. 

My journey is much like a weight loss journey. People love to post their pictures of success, they should. They are proud and want people to see. I get it. I feel like I need to do the same but not physical...spiritual. So I can document it. And when I hit the drought I can look back at manna. And remember. 

So I am going to for the moment work thorough the Psalms. This morning my time with The Lord was with littles crawling on me and sticking stickers on me. But look at this verse I read first thing. 

The scribble is from Asa BY THE WAY. 

Two "in the MORNINGS." Oh Lord I hear you. I do. Give me strength not by my own but by through you. That I will arise with an eager heart to what you have for me! 

Maybe you to want to come on this spiritual journey with me? Will you arise with an eager heart? Meet me at the feet of Jesus. With open eyes, and listening ears? I am anxious to see what The Lord wants to reveal to us tired and weary mamas.