Our Life...

You know the phrase "when it rains it pours?" Well this has been our phrase for the last couple of years. Now please don't get me wrong, Kevin and I are so blessed and have received many blessings over the years. It just seems that lately it has been a storm. I could talk about how I went to go vote today, not feeling that great anyway, stood in line only to find out that my registration did not go through at the DMV, so I had to stand in another line to get registered, and then stand in another line to wait and vote. Finally MY turn, who do they place right next to me?? A first time mother with her 3 week old baby, so now I am not only sniffling because of a runny nose or because of the president candidates, but because every time I look down there is a scrawny little baby just begging me to grab it and take it home. Needless to say much of my ballet was left blank. OR I could blog about my wreck, how now every time I open the car door of my dear friend it yells at me that I have damaged it, it is also is head turner and you have to open it quick and fast.....OR I could blog about how I asked Kevin to take his shop-vac down to the basement (just a side note we are using the shop-vac because our vacuumed decided it life span was up....) and as he walking downstairs the shop-vac decided to lose its lid therefore allowing all of it dusty and dirty insides to sprawl all over our steps, tennis shoes, and tile! I promise that even as I right this I do have a smile on my face, and when the shop-vac fell, I did laugh…a little.
Here a few pics...

Could it Be?

It snowed yesterday! The first beautiful snow of the season. If you know anything about me then you know my favorite seasons are fall and winter. I love carving pumpkins, drinking pumpkin spice coffee, blowing leaves (until moving in this house where we have 31 trees in our front yard, we just blow the leaves into our neighbors yard....j/k Bill...), I love picking out a Christmas trees, seeing school cancelled because there was a dusting of snow, drinking hot chocolate, and lets not mention the cute outfits- more layers is better and that is the best way to cover up an imperfect body!

So...after my downer of a blog the other day, that I am sure caused many faces to drop and I am sure got responses of "oh my our poor Beth, she has fallen so far that now she is cussing....whatever will we do?" (PRAY) I decided that we needed a blog to let you know that even in the darkest moments His light is shining, pointing the way to freedom, and yesterday that was through the snow not the shit (ha ha, I just had too!).

Crawling Through.....

Warning this blog has some graphic words and scenes, Just being real here people!! Don't forget to pause my music if you choose to watch the video...

Let’s be real, stop beating around the bush, stop putting on an act, stop pretending to be something we are not. That is what I have tried to do on this journey; I have tried to be as real and honest as I can. I have tried to give you a clear picture of this journey as best as I can, to let you in on the toughest days, the ups and downs and the raw moments that can change a person forever.

I have no regrets about starting this blog, even though it has been criticized and even though people have bluntly told me the things I am doing wrong. I have been tempted to pull the blog, so tired of defending my journey and why I have written what I have written, I have been tempted to stop writing, and deal with this journey silently. But that is not what God has asked me to do; from the first day of finding out about Judah I have been honest and real in hopes that God would get the glory, even in the darkest moments, and I really believe he has.

I debated on writing this, but I really believe that this is what describes so much of how I feel sometimes. This past weekend with Jamie we watched Shawshank Redemption. It is a graphic movie (not a family movie) about a man, Andy, who was innocent but blamed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison (if you want to watch this movie and have not already most likely I will ruin the ending for you in this blog…just a warning). The prison was awful, and the inmates were beat pretty bad by the guards. My favorite scene of the movie is this: (warning: language and graphic and WILL ruin the ending…)





He had to crawl through 500 yards of shit to get to freedom, can you imagine what that river must have felt like? Washing him clean, embracing him and sending him to freedom?? It did not change the fact that he had to crawl through the shit, it did not change the reality of what he had to go through get to freedom, but can you just imagine what that freedom must of felt like?
I called Kevin after watching that, and said through tears, this is my life right now, we are crawling through shit, that is the reality, a molar pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy, fear of cancer, not being able to try, loosing a fallopian tube, the fear of not being able to conceive, there is no other word, it is pure and simple shitty….but the freedom that comes at the end, knowing the healing will wash you clean, sweep you away, oh man- that is worth it.

Sometimes in the moments that are the toughest I feel as though the tunnel will never end, sometimes I feel as though I will not make it another yard, but I do, I DO. I think as Christians we feel entitled to a life without the shit, nice and clean, pure and simple. Why? Because I am a Christian, Well if this is how you feel then let me tell you a little secret, the walk, the journey, dying to yourself, your wants your desires, suffering for His words, Those in the moment, it hurts, it sucks, it is painful- but the outcome, the real picture, the end- that is what I live for, the Glory for the Lord, but it does not mean that the journey will be easy, it will most likely be the toughest journey we will ever walk.

I know, that in the end, when I slide out of the tunnel and into the fresh water of the river, I will look back and say it was worth it, but that does not mean it will make it easier to live in the shit right now.

What a Trip

There is so much I could update you on, I think this might be the longest time I have ever stayed away from my computer. I could tell you about my drive up to PA, the roosters in the McDonalds parking lot, the cinnamon roll recipe that double out of the bread machine, Charlotte being one, my sweet conversations with Jamie, the photo shoot at Elizabeth’s grave (Jamie’s first daughter), the unbelievable conversation with my mentor Nancy, getting in a wreck on my way home on highway 81 (I am fine but my Honda accord is finally beat up…and I could have died…. I was able to steer my car to hit the guard rail and not one other car), my eight hour drive that took twelve, and then getting sick and throwing up through the night…what a trip.

In the midst of the bad drive home, I couldn’t help but think how faithful my God is, and although the drive was not the best, the time with Jamie and her family was priceless. Throughout the week I will try and sit down and really go through everything the Lord is teaching me. I first wanted to post a few pictures; I will be putting more on Moments Framed.

This is the dough for the rolls, still makes me laugh how much it made!

These are the roosters chillin in the parking lot- (I know not very interesting but I thought it was funny!!)

Update on Beth

Hello Everyone,
This is Kevin, and I just wanted to put some of your hearts at ease. I have had a few people ask me if Beth was alright since she hasn't posted anything for a while. Well, yes, Beth is doing very well, she went to go visit her friend this week, and will be back on Saturday.

Her friend is Amish so she does not have access to Internet... Ok, I'm actually joking about her friend being Amish, but Beth does not have access to a computer to update all of you. I am sure she will post when she gets back on Saturday or Sunday.

-Kevin

Lost in a Wave

A fresh wave of grief has washed over me, leaving me ragged and grasping for a breath. I am so amazed at how I am never fully prepared for the wave. I can see it in the distant, building and creating more momentum, everyday it seems closer, however still far away until all of the sudden I am entangled by its overwhelming power and relentless force.

I have tried fighting this wave, trying to get my head above the water to just grasp one breath that will give me strength to continue enduring it. However, the more I fight, the more I struggle, the more I get lost into the depth of the ocean of grief.

I am learning to not fight it, not explain it, but allowing it to overcome me, wrap me in its arms and when it is finish it will spit me out and wash me upon the shore of healing.

I am waiting to be washed up, for right now, in this moment I am lost in the wave of grief. I am not alone though, Christ is right here with me in this wave, holding my hand and waiting for me on the shore.

October 15th National Holiday for Infant Loss and Remembrance

As you read this my biggest request is that you would just stop for one moment, pause in remembrance for those who are walking this journey. That is all you can do, say a prayer of strength for us and remember our babies, which will mean the world to any of us who have been asked to walk this path.

I will light a candle tonight at 7pm along with many other women I am sure, and we will let the flames burn for the children we miss. I don’t remember my boys today any more then I remembered yesterday or I will remember tomorrow. I remember every day of every minute. I live to remember.

Today Kevin and I will not only remember our babies but remember those who are also grieving and missing their children. Our hearts are with you....we are grieving with you.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

We are Home

It was such a great trip and we are so happy God prompted our hearts to go! Grandpa is doing well however it does look more serious then we anticpated. Please continue to pray healing and strength over his body. Here is a couple of pictures!

Love of Family

Tonight my mind is mulling over family. I have been saying “that’s what family does” a lot, I find it is a common theme in my life right now. Family. It is a big word, with a lot of meaning, used in many different scenarios.

I decided to look up the definition for family just to see, and this is what I found;

Family: parents and their children, considered as a group,

Funny thing is when I read that, that is not at all what I think family as. I think of family is so many different ways but I don’t know that I would have ever describe it as that, it is so much more, and really not one of the twenty definitions listed did it justice. I know that some people who think of their “family” have bad thoughts, a bitter taste, and memories they chose not to think of. Others hear the word “family” and their faces light up as they walk down the road of good memories and warm thoughts.

Family: a group of people, learning, leaning, accepting, doing, achieving, watching, frustrating, growing, changing, supporting, challenging, loving, dying for.

Those are just a few words that go through my mind. I guess for me family goes so much deeper then parents and their children, ESPECIALLY when you have accept Christ as your father, and all your brothers and sisters that come along with that adoption!! And by the definition I listed above Kevin and I are not a family- we don’t have children in our home, so are we any less a family?

Even as I sit here and write I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this term, around these people, around even my thoughts. I feel as though if we lean on our flesh, relying on it to do what “family” should do, we will fail miserably. If we die to ourselves, our flesh, relying on nothing more then the spirit that is within each one of us, we will love as a family should love.

A family should love no matter what, when you are down they come down with you, when you are up, they are up with you. Family is there, doing, helping and being, not because they have to, not because it is what is expected of you, not because it is what you are told to do, but because the spirit with in you is begging you to let Him love through you.

Kevin and I are always encouraging one another to not love with our flesh, because our flesh is bitter, is angry, holds judgment and grudges, it is self centered and self focused. The Spirit, Christ living, breathing, and dwelling in each of us, knows exactly how to love the person you most dislikes, knows how to accept the person that you get most annoyed with, loves the person who has cut you deeper then any sword or knife could ever cut. Christ within us all knows how to love. Humans; me, you, we only love in our most convenient ways.

I know that when I am loving not with my flesh but with the Spirit, I am not even aware of the things I am doing, because it is nothing of me and all of Him…so any good, or decent thing you see in me, is not me- it is Him, because I am nothing without his Love!

Let the Healing begin with Grandpa!

We are laying in bed, just about to call it a night and we felt we would take a moment to update all of you on the progress of Grandpa!

He had surgery on Wednesday, which could have had many outcomes of severity. The Lord is so good and when the doctor met with us his exact words were "It could not have gone any better!"
Grandpa was back to himself hours later, ready to eat, drink, dance and work on Chemistry.

Grandpa and Grandma are amazing people, and we are so blessed to have them as our grandparents. We are praying that the cancer that has been removed comes back as low grade, we are praying he does not have to go through radiation. It does not look like the cancer has spread to any other areas and that it was caught in perfect time!

We cannot say enough how good our God is!!!

This trip has been amazing, now that Grandpa is home and is doing well we have really been able to enjoy their company and our time together. God has really blessed Kevin and I with an unexpected vacation together and we are really enjoying it!

Thanks for all the prayers, we really appreciate it!

We are in Michigan

It is amazing how days, moments, and seconds can change with a blink of an eye. Kevin had plane tickets, an elk license, and all the plans for his annual hunting trip, and I had canning jars, bagel recipes, and gifts ready for my trip to my best friend Jamie’s house. Yet neither of our hearts were convinced that these were the places we need to be.

When we heard that Kevin’s grandpa was going to be having surgery to remove some cancer our hearts were suddenly by their side in prayers, thoughts, tears and conversations. I was constantly asking Kevin who was going to sit with Grandma during the surgery. God in His infinite wisdom and wonder chose Kevin and me. I am humbled and am blessed to now be sitting in a waiting room with Kevin on my right and Grandma on my left.

We made the decision to come Monday night after much prayer and were on the plane by Tuesday. There is no doubt in either of our minds that this is where we need to be.

It is amazing the turn of events in life, would my heart be so willing to come if I was six months pregnant? I don’t know. I do know that God has a plan and even in the midst of our storms and tribulations we can sit with someone else during theirs. This is what we are supposed to do.

We are doing well; we will take all the prayers we can get for Grandpa and Grandma.

Happy Birthday My Kevin!!!!!!!!

Kevin, today we celebrate your life, your existence, your 26th year. It is overwhelming to me that God chose me to be in your life, and not only be in it, but share it. We have had an amazing journey so far. You have taken me across the country, we have bought two homes together, we have watched fireworks, walked the beach, explored islands, laughed until we cried, and became parents. We have had a lot of life in just four years together, and I get to spend the rest of my life with yours.

You are the greatest gift, the encourager, my rock and protector. You are everything I dreamed of and so many things I never knew I needed. You have brought happiness, joy, and love into my life, and are a true picture of Christ.

Our marriage is special, and from the moment I saw you water skiing in a superman costume I knew I was in love with you. My love has changed, deepened and grown for you. I don’t know what God has for us, but I know as long as I get to walk it with you it will be the greatest adventure, and something neither of us can imagine.

Our marriage truly is the greatest picture of Christ and his love and romance for us. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. We are truly blessed, and I know that you were created, designed and spoken into existence just for me! Our love is rare, and I don’t ever want to take advantage of our Sunday afternoons, hikes, arguments, laughter, dumpster diving, exploring life, journey together.

Happy birthday Kevin, I know sometimes it is hard to celebrate without our boys, but I know God is whispering in their ears about what a great and amazing dad they have, who loves to build with his hands, listen with his eyes, and live his life for his King! You are dad Kevin, and although we are not celebrating my growing belly on this birthday we do celebrate the lives of our children through living our lives. So we will live Kevin, we will live for Eddie and Judah, and we will live because God has chosen to give us life, and we will stand together in the greatest storms with our hands lifted high and our hearts living to praise our God.

I love you Kevin, and there are no words that I can write on a blog that will ever describe or do justice for that love, so I will do my hardest to show you how much I love you everyday of our life together!!!!
Happy 26th birthday!!!!!

This is my Journal

This is my journal. This is my reflections, my heart, my desires, wants, ups, downs and twists and turns. It is not edited, it is not a book, it is not for a particular person (although Kevin often says I capture his heart as well…) it is mine and with God’s amazing love, strength and provision I am able to allow you to read a few pages of it.

This is my voice right now for I am weak. Weak from grief, from healing, from walking the journey, from losing two children, from the mountain climbed, and the storm we have weathered, and the reality of the path God has asked us to walk. My voice is weak; I can’t scream or yell and sometimes even talk.

This is my journal. It is a gift from the Lord, a picture of His amazing and sufficient grace. This is the raw and bare moments of a broken heart and weakened soul. This is the good, the bad, and everything in between. It is a picture in time, a puzzle piece, a gift of watching someone stumble and fall and come out on the other side standing strong with hands lifted high.

This is a journal, about a girl’s struggles, about a husbands wants, about a wanted child, and a baby that is missed. It is about doubt, faith, praise and questions. It is about fear, happiness, blessings and the unknown. It is about what will come and what it is. It is about our love for one another and the love we share for Christ. This is my journal, allowing you a moment in time to read a few words, to get a glimpse and to know some of my moments.

This is my Journal; this is God’s voice, his words, his child, his journey.

Sweet Moments

I was able and got the prevelage of getting some pictures of my neices and nephews yesterday. It is such a joy to be with them and to love on them with my mothers heart. I realize that with each pregnancy I have had, my heart has changed more and more to a mothers heart. Longing and wanting to give this love to someone, I am able and blessed to poor it out on my sisters and brothers children.

The pictures are once again posted on Moments Framed. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

God is so good to put such amazing blessing in the midst of the storm, moments like these are what get me through the toughest of times. I am so blessed.

October

Today is change, today is new, today is a fresh month, and the beginning of a new season! Today is October 1st, this is my favorite time of year and I welcome this change with open arms.

It has been a couple of hard days as Kevin and I are in the process of making some tough decision about some things, and also trying to smooth over some misunderstanding of our hearts. We find that sometimes it is difficult to help people understand this journey, the steps, the pain and grief, and in the end we give so much energy trying to explain it that we end up not having enough energy to heal. Which is why sometimes we submit ourselves to the reality that some people will never understand and that is okay.

We are four months in from loosing Judah, 18 weeks, and just over a hundred days. I try not to live in the what ifs, but sometimes I allow myself a few moments when I dream of a growing belly, baby kicks, showers, nursery, names, and ultra sounds. And sometimes I even allow myself to dream it with a 8 month old baby crawling at my feet. But this is not my reality, my reality is far from those dreams and wants and desires.

I have been sad the last couple days, sad because of misunderstandings, sad because of where people want me to be and where I really am, sad because other then Kevin no one can truly know our pain except for Christ alone.

I am thankful that on my sad days God is not disappointed, not angry and not trying to change me, but rather on my sad days he is feeling it with me.