Quick update

Hi y'all! Know so so so many of you (sarcasm) are so so so very I interested in our very crazy life (sarcasm...lots of sarcasm!). 

We are all doing well. You can so see Gods preparation for us. Each step, each decision, ever detail God has gone before us and made the transition so beautiful. Even the hard moments, the difficulties with the kids, and the moments I miss "home" so much have been beautiful, I can feel Gods overwhelming presence and peace. Truly moments that are so tangible and so real, I can't help but rest in them. 

We closed on our house in NC last week. I thought I would be nothing but joyful, and I was so joyful but there was a sadness too...truly is no longer ours. We got our closing here on our house (oh yeah did I mention we found a house??) moves up, we will be in our new home NEXT Thursday! My heart is so overcome with gratitude, this house has so much space for my sweet boys to grow in. I can't even begin to imagine how awesome (it will be to clean...) it will be  to watch my boys in this house! We are all so very excited about this new adventure. 

We also found a church! Never In a million years did I think we would find a church home so quickly, but again one more reminder of how God loves details and story writing. My sweet Ty goes every Sunday with a skip in his step and a smile on his face, y'all this does my heart so much good.  The community has embraced us and loved us so naturally I honestly forget sometimes how new we are. So looking forward to our journey of growing along side of them!  I had specifically prayed that the first church we went to would be "our church," we did not have the option of church hopping because I know it would of been to hard on the kids. So thankful that God is in the details of my boys life, a reminder to let go of them...

Thanks to all of have prayed and cheered us on!!! 

Sweet Ty

My sweet lovable Ty...is wanting to "go back to Nor Carowlinaw...to

The old house..."

And this is the part of moving that hurts your your heart...the newness wears off and reality sets in...and your heart hurts. Say a prayer for my sweet Ty! 

From Anchored to Jumping

I honestly don't know how to title this post, or how to find the words to describe this journey...this move.  When this opportunity for presented its self we pretty much said "no" right away. I was still pregnant with Asa, and we just couldn't imagine anywhere but Asheville to raise our family.  We had passed up a huge career move for Kevin when Volvo closed its doors in Asheville and move to PA, we really felt so anchored in our house, church, friends and family that moving just was not an option. And I believe it wasn't, for that moment. I am so thankful, that we did not stay in that moment. That we didn't allow those comforts to be our anchor. I do believe that three years ago staying was exactly what we were suppose to do, God was anchoring us, for that moment. As time passed, God started untying that anchor slowly one string at a time and before we knew it we were freed.


When the opportunity came again for PTC we still initially said "no." However, it became clear that our reasons were no longer God reasons, that the time had come for our family to take a leap of faith. The cliff was high, the rocks jagged and rough and extremely scary, but God was asking us to jump. This is mine and Kevin's fifth move in our almost 10 years of marriage. The past 4 moves only affected us, but God was asking me to jump with my children....and that takes on a whole new meaning of scary.  I just wasn't sure I was making the right choice.  Each one of my children were comfortable, happy and growing fine where we were.  They loved having their family and cousins right next to them (and I especially loved it). They were doing well with their schools, especially our sweet Ty...and God was asking me to jump, but to jump without holding onto my children- to allow them to jump as well....and to trust the Caregiver. And it was hard. Really, Really hard.


The week before this move was an onslaught of tears and emotion. I was a hot mess (just ask my BFF's) it was not pretty. I was all over the board and the bottom of it all was complete, uncontrolled fear. Its that feeling you get right before a roller coaster ride...you are waiting in line, first excited, then a little fearful, and you even have those crazy (what if I am the one person that falls out) thoughts. As you get into your seat you are mixed because you know it is going to be a blast but you kinda love/hate that first drop. Once we pulled out of our driveway on Sunday, I was at peace. The first drop...was done. And although I did not know what the rest would hold I was excited to see.  It was like that from that moment on and  it has been nothing but amazing...pure amazing!


Things like the grumpy old man who came to fix my ice maker sharing about the schools. How Peachtree City schools are the best in the States for special programs offered to children with Autism and special needs...To calling a church to get information and the sweetest girl from the church being the hands and feet of Jesus, bringing me coffee and flowers, just because. And it doesn't stop there.. Jaden whent to Awana and LOVED it, the Womens Bible study offered is doing the exact book that I have been reading- they are one week ahead of me...to Kevin getting to spend an hour with the pastor while dropping Jaden off.  We have an offer in on a house that got excepted for 14 less then the asking price, and our house appraised for more then we needed....I don't understand it, but I am thankful, so so thankful.


I know this is where we are suppose to be, I know that Gods favor and provision is beyond my wildest dreams, and I know it is all because we were willing to jump, to let go and to watch as our children jumped as well. God is taking care of their needs before I could even think or pray about them...


I hope our story comfort's those who feel as though they  being asked to jump into a situation that seems to hard to scary....because when it is right, and God...it is beyond your wildest dreams. 


It is all God, for His glory, for His name for His story...I am just thankful!

Sweet little apartment

Asa's room 

Boy's room 

Kitchen/dining 

Living room 

Play/sun room

Our room

Not bad uh!?!? I feel so overwhelmed with thankfulness. What a peace you gain by knowing you are EXACTLY where you are suppose to be. I can't even begin to explain to you my joy! So thankful for my husbands adventurous spirit that leads us to new adventures! More updates soon!! 

We are Here!

We MADE it. I can't even begin to describe to you how tired we are. If hadn't been for my amazing friends (neighbors) yesterday, and our incredible, amazing parents today We would never of finished. Thank you does not describe enough how I feel. More to come but for now we are settled, we are thankful, we are peaceful! 

Glimpse of the oh so cute apartment that I surprisingly have fallen for! Who would of thought! 

Remember

In the midst of change, unknowns,fears, and anxiety... God is the same... How can I doubt or question in the faces of these miracles! We move forward with GREAT expectation of what God has in store for us.  

Processing in the Quiet

Shhhhhh.....it's quiet. For the first time in I can't remember how long I am up before the kids. Everyone slept so well last night. Not one person needed me, seriously y'all that is a miracle! Now I am alone at 6am with my coffee brewing, my Bible and well....you. 

It has been a crazy couple of months, and truly the craziness has just set in well past crazy crazy! I can't remember what day it is, totally missed Asa's well checkup yesterday, and am thankful when I realized I put something new on (pulling out of dirty clothes is becoming a bad routine..). Spending time with God happens in my baths and my car, I am thankful for an understanding Father who literally carries me thru! 

Because Kevin will head down before me  we thought about keeping sweet Ty in his preschool those extra two weeks. That's what all the experts are encouraging us to do. They even encouraged us to plug him into preschool the first week we move down there. The last several weeks of school Ty has struggled going "it's not good for me any more...it's boring..." Tyler loves the word "boring" and uses just about anywhere he thinks he can "I don't like rice anymore mom, it's boring..." Kinda cute, really annoying! Anyway, my moms instinct kicked into high gear, my heart was troubled, just didn't feel right about something with Ty. So on Monday night I was up most the night with Ty. The rule in our house is that if you are sick you sleep on the couch with mom. Well this particular night Ty was "sick" and just "had to sleep" with "my mom." The thing with Ty and his Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD- google for description...) is that once something is in his mind there is absolutely no talking him out of it. So onto the couch we went, where he was discontent- all because his little heart was anxious about school. I could spend an hour on here with y'all processing my heart about SPD, or Ty, or all the things I feel like I do wrong with him, but honestly I don't even want to speak it...or write it.  We have seen improvement with Ty since starting school, but since the move we had spiraled backwards like a freight train off the tracks, and all I can do is whisper to God my hearts cry as a mom, "what do I do?" We forced Ty to school on Tuesday, and when we picked him up the teachers face said it all "he had a really rough day..." I get the feeling that Ty is quite the handful even for the "trained..." I cried. My heart hurts, and worries about my boy. Before I could even talk to Kevin or process it any further I said "tomorrow will be Ty's last day, he needs to be home with me thru this move." And it was such sweet relief, such peace. He has not mentioned it again, and his sleep has gone right back to normal.

In all our moves (this one makes 5 in the almost 10 years of marriage), this one is by far our hardest yet. We are not just "pulling up" roots, we are having to dig down deep first and then yank with all our might, and it hurts. It is a lot of faith right now, feeling like this is the best thing for our family, but we really thought that this was out forever home. I always thought maybe we would move but honestly never really thought it would happen. There are lots to be excited about, and I am at peace most days, but the heart aches and there are moments I want to call it all off and "change" my mind and just say to God "this is not good for me anymore...it's boring!"

Blogging Again?

Could it be that I could once again start writing? I have prayed for this day to come, a release in my heart to share the joys...and chaos...and insanity of my life with my crazy crew. And whatever the reason might be, I have a freedom to share. I am thankful. My last post written over a year ago was the heartache I felt, of my joy being someone's sorrow. It seemed so wrong, and even today I know my words may hurt another’s heart. I can't change that, but I can give you freedom to read or not read (not that you really "need" that freedom)and know that if you chose to not follow my journey it comes with great understanding. I so understand.

 

In the last 4 years I have had 4 crazy, energetic, never stopping (not even for a moment, really not even in sleep...) fun, and entertaining BOYS. We were blessed with 4 boys in just less than 4 years. Through adoption and birth, my journey took a major twist that still leaves me breathless (physically and emotionally) at times. I am thankful, so very thankful. My life is full of beautiful and fun, and sometimes funny stories of everything from adoption, to butt paste art on my walls.

 

 I find myself caught up in a world of keeping up, comparing and often times feeling like I have somehow somewhere missed the mark on parenting. I don't feed my kids only organic foods, I am not constantly on my knees in prayer (although I do find myself heaped over in complete exhaustion crying out for God to "intervene..."), we don't do crafts by Pinterest all the time, I am not always organized, my kids stay in PJS a lot, we eat Chick-fil-a like its free, they don't wash their hands "every single time" they do anything, we watch a lot of TV, and I promise you my 4 year olds understand the I-Phone better than I do. That’s just a glimps of so much more that is real...and what I am coming to realize is that is not only real- it is ok, better then ok...it's great. I don't want to compare or keep up, I don't want my life to look perfect or like I have it all together because I can promise you I don't. I find beauty in the imperfectness that is me because my perfect Creator meets me right where I am (crumpled on the floor) and fills in my gaps better than any vitamin, smoothie, or best organizing kit you can build out of ply-wood and glue! And it is beautiful!

 

The next step in our journey is a great wonderful, crazy, scary move from North Carolina to Georgia. It will be pulling us away from comforts and security to a lot of unknowns. We are leaving our family, and friends, and the house I brought ALL my babes home too. And it is hard. I know without doubt this is the best next step but the unknowns are scary and the reality very sobering. Kevin will be taking a position as a manager that will require him to travel 25% of the time. This will be new for us, but the pluses of moving and the call on our hearts really outweigh the fears that come with it. So I am thankful, excited, and scared. “You have to climb the rocks to see the mountain view….” Thanks for climbing with us once again! Here’s to some fun blogging!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Blog

This blog has been so many things to me. It started out as a connection to the youth group I was involved with, a way for the kids to get a look inside my life. It moved from that to a picture of mine and Kevin's journey for family, and then it became a place of healing for me as I journaled through the journey of grief and healing. And now...well now I don't Know.

Along the years I have become a follower of many blogs, mostly of those women who were longing to be a family, but now I follow many people I personally know as they embark on their own journey through life. Right now my dashboard comes into view and I take a deep breath because I know the journeys I am following, are deep and painful...

A mother who lost her 20 year old son
A father and mother who grieve the loss of their newborn son
A beautiful, strong, Christ-devoted girl fighting against cancer

sorrow, such sorrow...

How can I get on my blog and post pictures of things that I know will cause pain? This has always been something I have struggled with, moving forward with joy while still seeing so many caught in the wave of sorrow...I just can't do it. I am not saying I am not joyful, I am, but my joy being their sorrow, some days it is hard for my heart to understand the emotion.

I won't do it, I can't do it and I embrace this aspect of my heart...It is the same reason I do not post things on facebook, or why I don't flaunt the shining moments of my children for everyone to see, not because I am not proud of them but because I know that my posts, or pictures, or statements can be such a slice of pain for someone else. If I can eliminate some sort of pain, even if they don't know it - then I would do it forever, over and over again.

So this blog- well it is what it is, it was place of healing for me and I am forever thankful for it. I will never delete it, never get rid of it, but posting on it just does not seem right- at least for today. Who knows how God will open my heart to write again. I am praying he does so, but for now my heart is overcome with heaviness I have never really experienced. I just can't knowingly post things that could cause someone else pain.

Well What do Expect?

My life is beyond crazy so posting has come to a hault for a little bit. I will get back to it soon enough but for now here is a sneak peak of Karsten David, if you would like more pictures please comment or email me for the information!

Being the Girl I hated

Yesterday I had my weekly OB appointment. The last few visit feel like an out of body experience for me and yesterday topped them all. As I sat their waiting to be called back I sat next to a young 19 year old girl who ended up sharing with me her struggle with endometriosis. They are talking about doing a complete hysterectomy on her at her young age, a decision that will impact her life forever. I can't even imagine.

Then my name got called and I walked back and did the routine checks. The nurse looked at me and said "Beth you are picture perfect..." Oh my, words I have never really heard before, not even with Ty. As I turned to leave I glanced behind me where they do their blood testing, and there before my eyes sat a young girl crying with her husband. She caught my eyes and I saw her glance at my stomach and quickly look away. My heart dropped...I knew all to well what she was facing.

I stood up to leave and tried hard to hide my belly and walk as quickly as I could because I knew in that moment I was a girl she hated. And I totally understand and receive those emotions from her, she has every right...

I remember the day we found out about our molar pregnancy, all I wanted to do was get out of that office, the office that now held all my fears, all my anger, all my sadness... and yet there I had to sit across from a very pregnant lady who was getting the news that she was "picture perfect..." while I got the news that my baby was no longer. I hated her in that moment. I did not care what her story was, or the journey she was on, all I knew is that she had what I desperately wanted and I did not understand why her and not me.

Now years later I sit on the side that I spent so much time hating. I hated the birth announcements, I hated the pregnancy news, I hated baby showers and baby departments at stores. I avoided pregnant bellies like they were the plague, and I left any conversation that had to do with babies...and now here I sit...on the other side.

I have said it before but because of my experiences I have been robbed me of my innocents. Now as I sit on the other side I am forever grateful that the Lord has granted me with this gift, yes gift, because in that moment for that young woman crying I could pray for her, sympathize with her, and do everything I could to stay clear of her so that I did not in force more pain.

I find myself doing this always. When I am out shopping I notice the women who look away...and I embrace that, I don't take offense, I notice and pray for them.

I don't know friends why I sit on the other side now, I don't know, but I am humbled beyond words. I can promise you though that I remember feeling and honestly really believing that a normal pregnancy was never going to happen to me...no not me... But God is a big God, with Big plans and I believe He really does grant us with our hearts desires. So friend, if you are on the other side looking at me thinking "that will never be me..." please know I remember and I am desperately praying you onto this side...

Joy and Sorrow

Last night we attended a beautiful wedding. It was such a honor to be apart of this particular wedding, watching this sweet couple unite. The young brides journey has touched and impacted lives around her, I am not sure she is even aware of. She is a sister, a friend, a daughter and a birthmom. She is the birthmom to the daughter of a very close and dear friend of mine. I couldn't help but get emotional when I would see the two women talk and interact...God is in the midst of every detail and it is amazing to see how far he has brought this young woman and her journey. I was surrounded by joy. My heart overflowed with joy, my spirit was singing praises as I watched this couple celebrate, or as I captured a few candid pictures for them. It was wonderful.

I left the wedding and headed home, took a bath and crawled into bed the joy stepped aside and sorrow filled my heart as I knew what today would bring for another dear friend.

On January 8, 2010 a little boy took his first breath in heavens presence. He was born into this world sleeping. My heart aches for this precious couple. I have watched the dad grow into a man after Gods heart. From 10th grade on, I have seen this young man be captivated by Gods abundant love...Although our journeys have not crossed in many years he is one I enjoy keeping up with on Facebook. Watching his journey continue to unfold has brought such moments of praise in my life. I knew he and his wife were expecting and I also knew we were very close in our due dates. I would occasionally hop onto his profile to see if the sweet baby boy had entered into the world. As her due date came and went, my anticipation grew...until a few comments were posted on his wall and I instantly knew...and my heart begin grieving for this couple.

Today they will bury their first born...sorrow, such heavy sorrow. And here as I type this out I am pregnant, with a son...my joy, their sorrow. Oh Lord we long for your return. Every time I feel sweet baby Karsten kick and move I pray for this family, every time I feel pain or discomfort, I pray for this family.

The sorrow that surrounds my love ones right now takes my breath away. It really does make me cry out to the Lord for His sweet return. Until then all I can do is pray Gods peace over these families who are grieving in ways I can't imagine. My dearest friends Dan and Wendy grieving the loss of their son of 22 years, my sweet friend grieving the loss of the son who never took a breath, my dear wonderful girl friends grieving the loss of their angel babies...the list seems to overwhelming...

Yet, there is joy, I will never understand how the two walk hand in hand but they do. Joy and sorrow...only a few steps away, never far from one another. This season of Christmas has meant more to me then any of the seasons past. I can't explain to you my heart to share the HOPE and JOY of Christ to everyone who will turn a listening ear. This season we all need joy for everyone of us has or is experiencing sorrow, the joy my friends is in the birth of our Savior. We can rejoice, for Christ is born, and with Christ comes hope, healing, peace, comfort, and...Joy!

Writing Again...

I am so ready to write again. I still find it so interesting that through the grief of losing Daniel all I could really do is be silent. I still find myself heavy with grief that takes my breath away- I just miss him. I am still praying that God would release words to write Daniels story. When I think about writing it my heart pounds and my mind races, to me this means the time is not right. I know God will open that door to my heart with words that will only be from Him...I don't want to move a moment to quickly.

So I need to just catch up on the ends and outs of life...

I have 3 glorious weeks and 4 days until baby Karsten enters this world. Am I ready? Physically...YES!!! Emotionally....hmmm, he can stay in there as long as he likes! I am excited to meet this little man, and I will miss his movements and dancing. I will miss the pregnant belly, but I think my boys (especially Jaden) will be thankful they can crawl up in mommy's lap a little better :). Overall this pregnancy has been nothing but a blessing with very few hiccups. I am forever grateful and thankful every time I enter the ob- the place that was filled with pain and frustration that is now filled with joy and excitement. I am not sure why God has blessed me so and all I can do is thank Him over and over again.

I am really enjoying the Christmas season this year. Something about little kids that just makes it magical. We are not focusing on Santa at all with the boys, we figure we will see where they personally go with it, but we are not making a big deal about him. We are however trying hard to really teach them the celebration of Jesus birthday. We proudly hung Jesus birthday banner in Jaden's room and we love to pull out their nativity scene and play with it. We sing happy birthday and give baby Jesus lots of Kisses. We are also doing an Advent Calendar with them this year...I love starting these traditions that I pray impact their lives forever.

We decided to celebrate Ty's birthday a little early, this Saturday. I knew I would not be able to do much right after Karsten is born and this way he gets a celebration. So this Saturday we are having just a few people over to help us throw a very small but very special 2nd birthday for Ty! This is better suited for Ty anyway- he is not much for big crowds or lots of people...although he is doing so much better in this area! Ty is really starting to talk more too, it also warms my heart to see him follow his brother around and he absolutely loves to do anything that Jaden is doing!

Jaden is talking up a storm and communicating in ways that amaze us. There are so many times we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" to which we both reply "nope." Ahh, thanks Nick Jr. for teaching my child right now. Yup, Nick Jr. is a staple in my home, especially when we are all sick and it is painful for me to move. I keep reminding myself that these months and days are just a season, it will not be like this forever... Anyway, my favorite phrases right now that Jaden says are "Momma I Loooooove you!" and "Momma, look at that..." or "Momma where is T-rex? Oh right there..." And yes it is a clear as that, yet in his very cute little voice!

To say I am beyond blessed really does not describe how I truly feel. I am excited to write more hopefully. God has laid a few new things to really share about, but again when the time is right. For now I must go check on two quiet little boys, which means they are into something!!

Sitting in the Silence

I have still been struggling to write. I just don't have the words to say what my heart is crying out. This grief of missing Daniel is different then any other grief I have experienced. It is not like the loss of the babies and in some ways it is a greater, deeper pain. I think because every time I hurt I think about what Dan and Wendy (Daniel's parents) are experiencing, losing a son of almost 22 years. When I experienced the loss of the pregnancies it was a personal grief to Kevin and I, this grief of Daniel is a wave that runs deep in the hearts of many people- not just me.
It's just so different.

I think one of the reasons I struggle writing is because I am not ready to move beyond to mundane things. I could update the blog about the boys, about things going on in my personal life outside of the grief of Daniel- but to me this feels like moving on...I want to sit in this moment of deep feeling as long as I can...I am not ready for life to be normal- will there ever be a normal with out my Daniel boy?

I am praying that God would grant me the words to write Daniels story- Daniel has an incredible story even up to the moment when God called him home. I know Daniel would want as many people to know about it. Please pray that God would take over one of these days and release the words on to paper- it can't be anything of me it must be all of Him.

For now that is why I am quiet...because for now when the boys are distracted and I am not needed, I sit in silence with the Lord and let my heart grieve the way it wants to. Sometimes this is deep mourning and tears and sometimes I celebrate what Daniel is doing in the presence of the Almighty King.

Today- it is missing my brother-

One Breath at a Time

I think I am struggling with writing because I don't know how to properly describe our Daniel. I want each of you to understand just how remarkable this young man was...but how can I do that with simple words in a blog? Anyway, I found this post I wrote about him several years ago...


Thursday, January 29, 2009
Daniel Bradley

I have been thinking and in prayer for a long time about this post but sometimes I don’t know how to express what is my heart. The post I am about to write about is about the life of a 19 year old boy (I can’t use “man” even though that is what he is!!) named Daniel.

I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.

At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.

However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.

Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.

Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.

I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!

I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.

My Daniel Boy

Usually writing is what brings healing to my heart. It is what I did through each loss and each passing month of trying to get pregnant. Facing my grief through words of my heart. However, I am having a hard time writing through my grief this time. I am having a hard time formulating my words. I want to write a post describing to everyone in the world just who Daniel was, why I loved him so much, how he was more then a friend; he was my brother. I want to tell the stories of growing up together, I want to find words to help describe the righteous man he was...but I can't see through my emotions to even begin doing this.

I am praying it will come, because I want to have these words documented and kept forever. For now it is important for people to know that I lost a very best friend and brother. It is important for people to know that Daniel J. Bradley went to be with the Lord September 24th. God graciously called Daniel in his sleep, no suffering. It is important for people to pray for David his older brother, Wendy his mom and Dan, his father who lived his life serving his son.

My heart hurts beyond any pain I could ever find words to describe...

Whats in a Name

I have loved picking out names for all my babies! When we found out we were pregnant for the first time we knew instantly that something was not right because I was bleeding so heavily. I just took a pregnancy test on a whim at the suggestion from my mom. Turns out that pregnancy test saved my life. 2 weeks later at 2am on a Thursday morning we said goodbye to our first son. I had told my mom I was going to name him after my dad "Eddie." Turns out Eddie means Richly Blessed. I did not feel richly blessed during that time, but looking back what a fitting name for my journey!

Almost a year later we found out we were pregnant again! This pregnancy was quickly dubbed a miracle, and no one surrounding me saw or expected it to be anything less then that. 10 weeks into the pregnancy we discovered that it was a molar pregnancy. I remember that night at 4am I awoke and the grief had finally hit me like a wave and I wept desperately in my husbands arms. I didn't think I would be able to take my next breath. We had just gone through a series in church on Praise, and the name Judah was brought up several times. So, at 4am we named our second son "Judah," Praise. I did not feel like praising at that time...

I had chosen the name Jaden early on and started claiming him by name. "Jaden," Jehovah has heard. I knew that no matter how God would bring this little boy into our lives that it would be because God had heard my deepest cry and longing! And so a year after Judah we found out about our Jaden Daniel! What a blessing my Jaden has been, and his name has truly describe his story and blessing in our lives!

The very next day after Liesl had chosen us we found out we were pregnant with our miracle baby. We found out 13 weeks into our pregnancy that it was a boy, and we had already discussed what we would name him. Tyler Woolley is Liesl's older brother and one of the biggest reasons I believe Jaden exist today. He brought our names to Liesl, and helped her make the choice to give Jaden to us. We could never put into words just what Tyler meant to us, but we knew that our son would be honored to have his "uncles" name! And so sweet "'Tyler (Ty)" James, honorable, was brought into our lives. And honorable describes both Tylers in my life!

Never in a million years did I ever imagine I would be picking out a 5th little boys name. I can't even put into words what this pregnancy and baby means to me, he truly is the "more the you could ask or imagine" part of my journey! We researched and researched names until God finally led me to the name of my 5th son: "Karsten," anointed one. Karsten David has already made his impact in our lives, journey and story. I feel so honored and blessed to be a mom of such a mighty army of men. I believe with my whole heart that our calling is to raise up these boys to be warriors for God's Kingdom- what a calling and honor- more then I could of ever asked...

3 years ago I laid on an operating table and heard God whisper to my heart "wait and see what I have for you Beth..." And every tear, heartache, and rocky climb was worth this mountain view!

Not my ways...His

"Man can plan his path but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9This verse is so embedded into my heart. It is one of those theme verses that God gave me years and years ago that He ever so gently whispers to me in difficult times. I don't know how many times I make plans, decide how things are going to go, find comfort in my future thoughts and decisions only to have them come crashing down with a tidal wave from God. I find myself at His feet with my broken plans and conceptions and lots of times hopes and dreams, and have to tell Him how sorry I am for trying to force something that was never intended. I am constantly giving over my life to Him, for His glory and purpose and sometimes...well it just hurts.

I have sat down over the course of the last month to write this blog to you. I know my blog is not a very read blog, I don't have a lot of followers, but those of you have chosen to come along the journey with me have impacted my life forever. I always pray that God would use my journey to speak to others, it is His story anyway, and I believe He has. I know I am not always graceful with my words, and I know that my grammar and spelling are off the charts bad (sorry all you editors out there), my desire for writing overshadows my learning disabilities in this area and I am thankful for that! This particular blog is one of those I feel so led to write about but am grappling to find the words to use. So with that said please know I am trying to write this blog with as much sensitivity as I can, I am open to further discussion or questions if you were to have them but I do ask that you email them to me please.

As you know my sweet Jaden's birthday was this past month. It was a celebration for sure, of his life, story and purely of just who Jaden is and is becoming! It was also our opportunity to spend some time with our sweet girl Liesl (Birth-mom). I can't believe that we have known Liesl for three years now. Amazing. Going into open adoption I truly went into it with open arms and an open heart. I did not realize before Jaden was born the emotions I would experience once this dream became reality.

Before Jaden was born I built a wonderful relationship with Liesl, we connected on so many levels and it was so easy for me to love her. She shared her past choices and wants for the future. She truly loves Jaden and wants the best for him. Knowing this and knowing some of Liesl's past decisions we made some guidlines regarding some of her choices and the effects they could have over Jaden. We made it clear that if these choices were made we would have no other choice but to limit the contact between her and Jaden. Over the course of the last two years we have had to inforce those guidlines even when it hurt to do so.

The weekend of Jaden's birthday was a realization to ALL of us including Liesl that somethings needed to change in our overall open adoption. There are some life changes that Liesl has to make in order to have the relationship that is healthy for both Jaden and her. It was hard conversations that we had to have over the course of the 4 days she was here. There were many tears and heartache but overall the decisions were made in love and openness on both ends. As much as I want to be the one to stand along side of my sweet girl and help her through these tough choices and decisions I have come to realize that my main priority and call in all of this is not to parent Liesl but to parent Jaden. It is not easy because my love for Liesl is so great.

I went into this with great hopes and expectations and for right now my open adoption does not look at all like what I thought it would. I am so thankful that God protects us even when we don't realize we need the protection. I may of gone into this with greatest of intentions but in the end GOD knows what is best for Jaden and Liesl. He knows what their relationship should look like regardless of what I wanted, or even Liesl wanted it to look like.

I stand back amazed by Gods ever moving ever flowing grace and sufficiency. This particular goodbye with Liesl was one of the hardest because we are not sure when we will be reunited with her again. She has a mountain to climb and it is hard to not want to pull her up it so she can see the mountain view, but she is going to have to do it herself. It is hard to step back and let God be in control of that and to trust that no matter what happens He will sustain all of us through and in it.

So, I know that this probably open up a million questions, but please understand that I want to protect my sweet girl and my sweet little boy. Somethings and details really don't matter. You can know that we will take any prayers you are willing to pray, Liesl has a hard journey ahead of her and I know she would welcome any and all prayers. This also means that my openness about open adoption will probably take a back seat until God reveals that part of the story to us. I will still write as openenly as I can about adoption and my emotions in it but I will probably refrain from sharing much about Liesl and her relationship with Jaden at this time.

I step back and once again hand over the pen to allow God to continue to write the most beautiful story that only He could form words for!

My Jaden Boy...what words do you use to celebrate this life that has forever changed yours? Jaden is my first born son, my heart and soul and the one to first call me "momma." He is more then I could ever dreamed of and blesses me in ways I never thought possible. The past week we celebrated his second birthday, I can't believe it has been two years. Those years have been filled with so many amazing moments I don't think there are words that could ever really describe them. Here is the awesome video Kevin put together celebrating this past year!!

Two Worlds

The losses I experienced have forever marked and changed my life. I will never be the same girl I was before I ever tried to get pregnant. I am thankful for the change and embrace it with open arms, even to this day. I have said it before, once you walk the journey of loss or infertility it robs you of your innocence, I don't reject this I have really learn to embrace it.

I think one of the greatest reasons I had to take a break from blogging after the boys came was because I did not know how to collide the two worlds. This is something I still deal with. I know that my joy is someones sorrow. When we found out we were adopting so many were excited, yet even that I remember caused one of my closest and dearest friend pain. She had also walked the path of adoption only to leave it with empty arms of a failed adoption. Then on top of it all I found out I was pregnant, while she too experienced a pregnancy only to lose it. It has forever changed our friendship and I completely understand why, again my joy being her sorrow.

I have am so cautious about my pregnancy, about pregnancy announcements, about baby talk, about my symptoms or any and everything in between. I don't update Facebook with my latest pregnancy thoughts...in fact I have yet to announce to the facebook world about this pregnancy. Why? Because my innocence in pregnancy is gone, I know the pain a facebook status can cause, I know the announcement will bring tears to someones eyes, I know the wants and desires that are out there so why would I knowingly put pain into someones life or path. I don't reject this, I embrace it. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to understand a taste of the world of loss and infertility, because I now can pray for these girls, can encourage or stay away the best that I can.

The reality of it is though, I cannot protect them from the pain. For instance, their are several women pregnant in our church right now...but there are just as many women dealing with a recent loss, daily reality of infertility, or silently dealing with the want and desires of a child. I am aware of several of these women, I stand on the side of joy, knowing their sorrow...so what can I do? I long to protect them from the constant talk of pregnancies, to shelter them from the constant Facebook announcements, and ultimatly give them their greatest joy, but all I can really do is give them a simple knowing smile, or a tighter hug and of course my prayers.

I stand on the other side, but my losses never go away. I stand on the other side, but my innoncence is gone. I stand on the other side, begging God to allow each of those girls to join me on the side of joy.

But until then, I stand on the other side offering every bit of encouragement, hope and support I can give. Because I remember the tears, pain and suffering..it never really goes away.