Friday, February 13, 2009

Sickness and Waiting

Well the last couple of days I have been sick. As I was throwing up I kept thinking “not again Lord…” Fortunately I had medicine left over from when I had food poisoning that I was able to take to stop the throwing up, now I am just dealing with a sore throat and weakness. The bummer part of being sick this time was that Kevin was in Houston, it is no fun being sick alone.

This sickness seemed to hit everyone around me. I was most concerned about Daniel and my 90 year old Nana; they both did get it but seem to be coming out on the other side fine. I know that this was just another kick from satan, especially since lately I have been really doing so well. When I wrote out that I was truly living I knew this was going to make satan so angry, he can kick all he wants, I will not be destroyed!

I have been praying about writing and sharing where Kevin and I are when it comes to trying again for a child. The past pregnancy really knocked me out not only physically but emotionally as well. As you all know I am just coming out on the other side and it has been a rough and rocky road, but I AM STILL STANDING! Part of this journey was waiting the six months to try. Once the six months approached I knew I was not ready to try again, at that moment we decided to go month by month in deciding when the best time would be, we are still waiting for the Lord to release our hearts so that we can try again.

I know some people don’t understand why we would wait, why we would want to wait when there is not guarantee when or how long it may take. I have had those same thoughts and fears. I am starting to realize that as much as I would like to think that having a child is in my control it is not, God is far bigger then my control. I just know what I feel in my heart, I want to be the best I can be when God decides to hand us the greatest gift of a child, and I feel as though each day I am closer to that moment.

I have hesitated in sharing with people this part of the journey because I know some don’t understand, but I don’t think any of us can understand Gods ways sometimes, but we can look back and see his amazing grace and his sufficient love. He is giving me strength to make it through this waiting, and I am sure there will be more days in waiting ahead. I know I can trust in Gods timing, Gods hands, Gods plans, and Gods amazing story for me!


Stacey said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been sick (again). Oh how I wish you would've been well and going to Houston with Kevin!! :)

Beth, I think you made a very wise choice to wait. It is smart of you to think about being in the best place that you could be rather than letting your eagerness for a baby guide you. I know it's hard to wait, and I pray that the Lord will answer your prayers very soon! But I say don't second guess that decision if you know it was right for you. I know that you are listening to God and letting Him guide you right now. That shows me that you are going down the right path, even if others don't understand.

Hillary said...

I'm sorry you are sick again! :( **hugs**

twondra said...

I'm sorry to hear you're sick!

This was a very well written post. I'm soooo glad you wrote it. Your faith is so strong and you give me strength. Thanks!

Hope you feel better real soon!

Sammy said...

Hey Beth- found your blog through your comment- nice to meet you!

There's no right or wrong with this journey- just living the way He wants us to. So your decision to wait on Him is absolutely the right one for the two of you.

Your trust is inspiring. Sometimes I know I have to lay my desperation down before Him and just wait. He is is bigger than our limited time scales and knows the beginning from the end.

I also think that each month I am closer to (praise God- my second!) baby and my first pregnancy xxx

Libby said...

Beth...honey..I hate to hear you were sick. ANything I can do just call!!

I do understand what you mean about not feeling ready. After our lose, I didnt think I could do that again...I couldn't risk feeling that way again. I was scared. And we weren't trying...but God knew that right length of time, and he gave us wonderful Abigail...and I wouldn't have it any other way!!
Love ya girlie!