Monday, June 20, 2011

Undeserving Love

I feel so blessed and overwhelmed this morning...but above all of those feelings, the strongest of them all is the feeling that I do not deserve any of this.

I went on a hunt this morning looking for a blog I wrote about two years ago, I know it is there but I could not find the specific one I was looking for. But in the process I relived my journey through those hard days. When I look back and read the words written by a broken girl, my heart breaks all over again...I remember all of those emotions, they never truly go away. What I can't believe is how far God has brought me and how I feel as though I am unworthy of this journey I am walking today.

I never in a million years thought I would even get pregnant and have a healthy baby, much less get pregnant, adopt and get pregnant again...never ever imagined it. I can remember calling out for one baby, why in the world would God bless me with 3 healthy babies?

A couple of months ago I was studying Gods word every single morning. I would awake before the kids at 6am, sit and enjoy an hour of uninterrupted and much needed time with my God. Since becoming pregnant, mornings have not been that friendly to me and finding time to study with Him has become a struggle. I hate that days add up to weeks that add up to months without me going before the Father and seeking His heart and what I hate more is that this seems to be a cycle of my life.

I find that there are months where I can't get enough of Gods words, I can hear Him, feel Him and long for Him...then life takes over...something throws me for a loop and I go right back into the old patterns that I hate where seeking Him seems to be last priority...and then I feel so guilty. Look at what you have blessed me with and all you are doing for me and yet I can't even spend 10min with you?

I am reminded daily that God does not bless us because of our doing, this is the grace of God...we don't even deserve life or our next breath yet He extends it to us because of His the same light just because we are not doing does not mean God is not blessing...there is nothing we can or can't do to make God love us more...

I think in my human nature I feel as though I can manipulate God...thoughts like "well If I do this HE will DO this..." but this is not how our gracious, loving Father works...He says "I love you no matter what you do or don't do, I love you because you are my child that is all you have to do."

So today I feel overwhelmed and blessed...and Loved.


Ryan & Amber said...

Beth, it's the times like these in my lives when my guilt tries to creep in that I try to remind myself that everything in life has a season. Sometimes that means seeking Him in a 10 min. shower when you have morning sickness and two small kiddos clamoring for your every affection. Sometimes it means we have the energy to get up at 6am and spend an hour with Him...I think it's during those seasons that He builds up a store of sorts to keep us going in the others. He knows that you want Him. He knows that you're resting in Him, and He knows exactly how you feel and what your heart desires about all else. Love you!

LisaAnne said...

I love those humbling moments where God speaks to our hearts about how it is nothing that we do or don't do. But He provides for us through His grace and provision simply because He loves us.

Unconditional love is not something we can understand very well because it is so foreign to our nature.

I too look back at some of my posts and my heart hurts just reading them. But to remember that God was and still is with me, even on the bad days (which I still have, routinely).

I am so glad we have a God we can cry out to, who loves us even when we are ungrateful, ugly and accusational.

God is still good, even when we are suffering.

I am so glad you are blogging again. You are so right, you have been blessed. Not because you (or any of us) deserve it, but because God is good. And we have no idea what His plan is for our lives.

Beth said...

Girls thank you so much for your encouraging words. I know I am not alone in my feelings and it feels nice to reminded of just how faithful our God is!

Amber- you are right and I needed to be reminded that above all else God knows my heart, I find such comfort in that! Thank you!

LisaAnne- I love this "God is still good, even when we are suffering." If we can come to a point in our walk with Christ we realize HE is good ALL the time it makes us realize that no matter what we face He is Faithful! Thank you for sharing your heart!

Brooke said...

Beth, God does know your heart and knows that you are longing for Him. He also knows that He, Himself, has given you your amazing family that takes a lot of time out of your day. I find myself having the best prayer time in the bathroom because that is sometimes my only quiet time of the day! :)