I am learning so much not only as a mother but also about God and His character, His love, His desires. Adoption has been a beautiful experience for our family, I can't imagine life without Jaden and I can't imagine the journey being any more amazing then it already is and has been. With that said I don't think anyone could have prepared my heart for the emotions that come along with adoption.
The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.
Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.
Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.
To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.
So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.
It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!
3 comments:
Gosh, Beth I really relate! I love my little boy so much it hurts to think he didn't come from me and has a birth mom. But conversely I love the birth mom and thank God for who she is and what she means to my son. I want to nurture their bond as I know it's part of God's plan. Their tie can never be severed and nor should it be.
It means laying myself down again and again.
Thanks for the post, so lovely to hear your words
Beth, your sweet and kind heart really shows through in this post. I know there's enough room in there for little Jaden, and Liesl, and the rest of the family, AND little Ty! You're doing just what God called you to do, and you're doing an amazing job.
Sometimes it is really hard for me to read your blogs. I always cry for you. No matter happy or sad. It is so hard to read about your life like it's a book. It's so hard knowing how much you have changed and how much I just long to watch you change. And I know one day I will meet your family. I will meet the sons who have changed your life, who have made you who you are. And Beth, You are my hero. I love you.
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