Looking Back Embracing the Change

As you can see I have been working on my blog...change....seems to be the theme of my life right now, so much has changed. This journey has taken me on a ride that neither Kevin nor I could have imagined, dreamed up, or written. This journey really has been a God ordained, God written, God established, and God completed journey. As I stop and think about it I realize that this is still just the beginning of such a huge picture and story that God is writing.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!

I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.

I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:

Turning the Corner

This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.

On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.

After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.

Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.

We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!

Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!

Doing Well....

We are all doing so well, hard to believe sweet little Jaden is 5 days old. We are still in Colorado waiting for paperwork to be filed that gives us permission to leave. Hopefully in the next few days I will really be able to sit down and give you all updates. For now just know we are in love with this little boy! Continue to pray for Liesl, she is amazing but this time of transition is not easy.

We will not be posting pictures on my blog, because it is so public. We will set up a photo album, if you would like the password please email me silvertanner@gmail.com. Hopefully we will have that set up in the next day or so.

thanks for all the prayers, please keep the coming, we are ready to be home with this little one!!!

Friday August 14th, 2009

Jaden Daniel was born!!!! Weighing 6lbs 10oz and 20 inches long! He has a full head of dark hair! He is amazing and is the best baby, we are so in love!

Unable to update now. Please continue to pray for Liesl and this time of transition, she is doing amazing and is a strong young women.

HIS Journey!

As I sit here today I can't believe that I have already been in Colorado for almost a week. In some ways it feels so short and in other ways it feels like I have been here for weeks. The hardest part of being out here has been to be without Kevin. God is sustaining me in ways I could have never imagined, but it is really hard not having your husband here as your emotional support.

Liesl is amazing, our journey is amazing and God is constantly amazing us. It seems to be a theme. God is showing himself to Liesl in ways I am even astonished by. He is calling out to her and her family wanting to love her right where she is at. We are staying busy, laughing a lot and having lots of heart to heart conversations. We have stopped telling people we are “like” sisters and have moved right in to being “sisters.”

Yesterday was such an eventful and unexpected day. My routine has been to get up early and spend some time alone and with God, allowing him to fill my heart with his love and strength. After a couple of hours Liesl and I always meet up for the rest of our day and yesterday was no different, except God showed up in such huge ways. Before yesterday “C” (Jaden’s birth father) would not sign papers, he was totally against signing anything. Liesl and I decided to call our agency and make a meeting together to talk through some of the things that are to come and when Liesl placed the call she never expected to here that Beth Woods (agency councilor) was on her way to meet with C and his mom to get papers signed. We were shocked and anxious. I immediately sent out a prayer request to my family to PRAY PRAY PRAY, an hour later we got the phone call… C SIGNED!

We were both overwhelmed and excited, God is so faithful and this has been His journey and story from the beginning. Liesl and I have talked a lot about the days to come, the emotions that will follow and the doubts we are having. She is confident in the decision she is making, but giving up a child is the hardest thing any girl or women could ever do. I lost my children not by choice, Liesl is CHOOSING to give her son the BEST life she can, and I am truly amazed by her.

I ask that you would be in prayer as the day gets closer; I know emotions will run strong and I know we cannot truly prepare ourselves for what is to come. Please pray especially for Liesl and her family as they walk this journey. God is faithful and will continue to be faithful!

Liesl had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, she is 4cm dilated and fully effaced! They are expecting any day but if she does not come by Wednesday of next week they will talk inducing, which means Jaden will be with us in less than two weeks!!!

I am Here

“I am here…” This seems to be the phrase I have been using a lot. I arrived at Liesl's and LeAnn's (Liesl's mom) house yesterday. We hung out for awhile and I showed her all of Jaden’s things, it was fun to look at all the outfits and talk about his arrival, still so surreal. We then packed up and went to dinner with Tyler. We had a good time and are really bonding as a family, talking through everything that is to come in the days ahead. I will not have internet access all the time so my updates might be random.

I am doing well, getting nervous and am anxious about his arrival. I still don’t think I will rest easy until this little one is in my arms and we are heading towards the Blue Ridge Mountains. I am overcome with emotion for what I know Liesl is going to experience and am in deep prayer for her constantly.

I am thankful for God’s sovereignty and rest in it by the minute. I know God is faithful and I know I can’t rest in my expectations or wants but I can rest in the love He has for me and this family.

Thanks for all the prayers we need them!

Emotions in Colorado

Well I am here! It is a strange feeling to wake up in Colorado, but it was an even stranger feeling realizing I was coming to Colorado to pick up my son. I don't know if the true emotions of what I am doing here have truly set in.

I did sleep the best I have slept in weeks last night, Kevin said he slept well last night too and I think it is because we are at such a peace with me being here. The goodbye at the airport was a teary one as we could not say..."see you in a couple of days," we left not knowing how the rest of August will play out.

I am staying at Kevin's parents house until Monday, then I will head to see Liesl and stay at her house with her for the remainder of the time (please pray sooner the later). I am trying to relax and enjoy the last few days before I am mom, but it is so hard to do, I am so ready to meet, love and cherish Jaden!

I will update as I can and we appreciate all your prayers, we need them!

We are Getting Close

Liesl called me Wednesday night she is over 3 cm dilated, and although she could sit at that for three weeks we are defiantly in the “on the go” mode! After a lot of prayer we decided I will head out there Saturday and spend the remainder of my time with her and her family. This way no one will be stressed that I will not be there, including Kevin and I.

I am not looking forward to being away from Kev for what could be three weeks; I know in my heart that this is the best decision for everyone. I also know that the extra time with Liesl will only deepen our relationship and prepare her for the loss she is about to experience. I am hoping we can both be open about some of fears and expectations.

I will try to keep everyone as informed as I can, but prayer is needed above all right now! Looking forward to announcing the birth of Jaden in the coming days!!!