We had our suspicions ...but there it was, in black in white we a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Seeing it burned my eyes with tears. It didn't change my child, it didn't make him any different, it didn't change my love for him or our hearts desire for him...but there it was and I couldn't escape it.
See, we didn't get testing so we could label our kids or put them in a box of description that would hold and freeze them there forever. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis so we could medicate and move on. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis because we wanted one or so we could understand our child more...No. Never.
I understand my child, because I am chosen to be his mother.
WE sought out answers so we could equip him better, so we could fight for him harder, so we could prepare him for this world that can be hard and hateful. We only sought answers so that we could do the absolute BEST thing for our child. But nonetheless, you seek diagnosis and answers to things that perplex you and sometimes when you walk through that door you wish you could shut it, pad lock it, and run from it forever. It just seems so overwhelming.
The diagnosis...A diagnosis...Hell...ANY diagnosis does NOT define who we are...I know this, we all know this...we say this on repeat it seems after any diagnosis. However, it does not change that a diagnosis is hard. This broken world of sickness...is hard.
I breathed. Deep breath in and out, I paused.
Kevin and I shared the hardness and brokenness in it.
You can say all the positive you want to a person who receives a diagnosis, you can cheer the greatest cheer, but sometimes the greatest cheerleaders...are silent right before a big moment. This was that big moment. We just needed a moment.
We knew the truths,
God is faithful,
There is hope in Him
This is not a definition of your child
This is a perspective and opinion of man's view.
God does not see autism....
We stand on those truths, we believe those truths, WE have always BELIEVED those truths.
But grieving something for your child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Wishing something different for my child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Having moments where you wish your child didn't have to face hardships that you know will come...does not mean I do NOT believe those things.
I DO.
Grief and sorrow...they are good, because they push you to be real, to be sensitive, to know how to truly cry out before Jesus, and to long more for Jesus to come. Grief and sorrow, they are special glasses that make you see things in this world with compassion and love easier. To realize that not all is perfect or shaded by the best filter.
A diagnosis is not easy, but, it is not a defining, its not the end...it's a chapter in the book. A reason to talk, to research, to try. It's a part of the journey that maybe rocky and hard and we might fall on our knees as we climb this Mount Everest...but that view.
Worth every step, every fall, every valley, every peak, every rock, and twist and turn.
Worth it ALL.
We are going to walk this journey. And we will most likely walk it as publicly as we can. I don't share my children's names but that is only because one day it will be their story to tell...I can only tell it from my point of view right now. But I can promise you if you email me, or call me, or text me...I will write you back. Because I am not ashamed of our journey...I am proud. I will share any part of my journey as you walk yours, and I can promise you...When you need it, I will be that silent cheerleader for you. Because you know what, we all need that sometimes.
A journey publicly, is a journey not alone.
~Beth
