The Transparent Glass Door. Honetly..I don't even think I have a door.

Sitting in a Psychologist office with on of your kids is never easy.

I gripped the steering wheel pretty tightly that morning as we drove. I tried to seem as calm and as normal as possible even sipping on my coffee occasionally  although my stomach was in all kind of knots. His sweet profile catching my glimpse every once and awhile as I asked if he was nervous or had any questions. "No." It was a simple answer with no concern, no emotion, no anxiety. Hmmm I wish I could calm my heart to meet my sons. This is the second time I have had to drive to an appointment for one of my boys to see if we could get a glimpse of what was going on in that brain of theirs. I couldn't help but have to fight all the feelings of failure as I drove. I shoved them down deep...again.

People commend me often for being open and writing so freely- it is not a choice, I was born this way. To be silent slowly kills me. Ann Voskamp wrote a post today about transparency and I drank it in and it nourished my dry and weary soul. One of her quotes will be one I will butcher when I say it, but will cling to it for a life time.

"Transparency is the glass door that opens up a house of trust so you get to live in love."

There is zero artistic or poetic beauty in my writing, believe me I know this. But there is a rawness that just comes from my heart that I can't control.   That glass door. My glass house.

We spent three hours in that testing. He did amazing. We will have the final write up of a diagnosis in three weeks but before we left the dr. said without hesitation that he has ADHD.  It was not a surprise, taking on the role of teacher has made it very clear that he struggles with this. Now my Two oldest sons have that diagnosis. How can you not wonder where you went wrong? There will be more diagnosis coming my way, the doctor was also sure of this but he wasn't ready to finalize it until he had gathered all his information from that morning. I wasn't emotional or sad when he told me it, I wasn't really anything honestly. Numb maybe? But really not even that...just okay. It is the reality and I can push up the sleeves on my arms and move forward.  

I had someone say to me "I don't know why my kids are so amazing and so good and don't have struggles..." literally. Said that. WOW. I am so happy for you. Please take this from my post, if you know someone who has a child or children struggling with anything outside the BOX of "normal" please don't go on and on about the struggles your children DON'T have..it is not soothing to an aching heart. Just not.

When I dealt with infertility I was trapped in a world of wanting...it was the most intense and horrific and life changing three years of my life. I would spend hours dreaming of what my children would be like, I would beg Jesus for them, I would grieve over the ones I lost and think about all I was missing because I didn't get to know them...but in those dreams I never imagined having boys that struggle with anxiety, ADHD, depression or disorders. Why would I dream that? Why would anyone dream that? But you know what, each and every day I wake up and I am living my dream. It wasn't what I thought it would look like but there is so much broken beauty in the imperfectness that is my life I couldn't for one second want anything any different.  

A couple of months ago I mentioned I went to a conference that kind of left me spiraling and in some ways more broken then I was before I went. It was suppose to be a "rest" ful retreat but all of the hurting broken adopted moms hearts, threw me into a tornado I wasn't even prepared for.  One of the activities the speaker had us do was write out all the things we had dreamt of that didn't come true and then we took that piece of paper and shredded it. It was a beautiful imagine but it didn't sit well with my heart. I usually love things like this, if I ever had a chance to be a speaker I could so see myself doing something so similar. I was known for things like this while teaching the youth years ago...but the thing is, it was hopeless. It made me focus on things I don't even consider. My kids are my kids, sure I didn't dream of this but they are still my dreams. If we live in a world always looking at ways we thought our life should of been or could of been or we deserved we miss the beauty that is our life RIGHT now.  The broken beauty. Its is not perfect and there is a lot of scary and dark days, but Jesus is writing a pretty epic story through each of the characters on my stage. 

I know that mom meant some kind of well when she spoke those words about how her kids didn't have struggles... I couldn't shake it from my soul- but then I thought, well- Lord my kids are exactly who you created them to be - perfectly and beautifully and wonderfully made- broken and all. And are we not all broken? Heavens. YES. Maybe her kids didn't have the struggles my kids have...but we all have struggles...its why I want to live a life of transparency. Transparency brings love, and healing...

Our life might consist of therapy's and doctor appointments and prescriptions needing to be filled. But it is beautiful, and complicated, and chaotic...and epic...and Transparent. 

Utterly and Fearfully Exhausted.

Since deciding to homeschool I knew mornings would be cruicial for me. I needed to get up early before the boys to make sure I had a few moments of peace before my day started. Just 30min even to clear my thoughts or have a thought without interruption. Yall. Its as though my kids know this desire and ensuring that they don't miss one second of mom (because I still have a couple of little guys who find their way into my bed, onto my pillow, and into my back, I swear if they could crawl back into me they would...) they are up at the butt crack of dawn. I try to be so quiet, I try to sneak downstairs, but I swear the atmosphere must shift and their eyes pop open because mom is awake...don't. miss. one. second. Must. get. to....MOM.
Be near Jesus. It is real.

So here I am at 11:58pm trying to calm my thoughts so that I can actually just maybe get a few hours of sleep before they sense the atmosphere changing again.  And know what, I am utterly and fearfully exhausted.

But here is the thing, I am utterly and fearfully exhausted both emotionally and physically and to be completely honest spiritually. I have to fight daily to find the calm, the peace, the soothing quietness of my soul. I have had so many "older" moms and when I say "older" I don't mean physical age, I mean stage of life. Older as in kids are in high school or graduated or married. Anyway I have heard from these older wiser moms in grocery stores, at sporting events, always at target, and of course FB and Insta. But these wonderfully older moms inform me many times as they watch me twitch and squirm and sometimes loose my cool at my child who is fussing about their sock or shoe or the fact that the sun is somehow chasing them down and tormenting them with brightness..... that the "days are long but the years are short," or "its hard physically now but just wait until they older...then its emotionally hard..." or "don't blink, its gone" or.. "fill in the blank you have heard it here.."  And believe me I DO GET IT. I do, STOP TELLING ME AND ENCOURAGE ME.... I see it going fast and I have written my rant about this...that is not my thing... no my thing is that it is not just physically hard right now...it is crucially emotionally and spiritually hard RIGHT now...and it if it is not hard right now then I think we might be missing something.

My boys ages range from 4 to 8, and in that I am juggling a whole lot...a WHOLE lot...and I can't even tell you how many sleepless nights and enduring days where I think I am failing them or missing it or screwing them up and it makes me paralyzed with fear. It is physically and emotionally and spiritually demanding right now. Throw in that what we moms are faced with daily now is comparison that comes full force with social media and every single flipping person has a BLOG and is writing out their "articles" on how we are screwing up our kids. I combat these fears by pouring my kid a bowl of fluorescent Cheetos and top it off with a big ol' cup of straight up red dye while making sure that EVERY single media outlet is BLARING in their faces and also making sure that every ALARM is set in every single corner of my house ready to alarm me when my kid breaths funny or sneezes snot that might be a color that is not normal....Glory. JESUS for the love would just hurry on  up and come...by the way, Jesus, incase you didn't know my kid loves Mindcraft and the last article I read said that he most likely will be a bomb maker in the future...so yeah...you better sound the trumpets NOW. Bless it to my bones Mamas, how are we even breathing?

And I can't even begin to start to tell you that when you have a child that is not like the other 20 in his class and starts showing some signs of things that might need "early intervention..." and you find yourself at midnight googling side affects of medicine your child has to take and you feel as though the red dye just has to be the reason your kid is like this or maybe its because all they want to eat is fruit snacks and graham crackers or maybe its because they spent 3 or 4 hours on media and not the recommend 1 that clearly this is all YOUR fault and you made your child this way...and because you google all these such things now every time you get on the stupid comparison Facebook page now all the adds are "dangers of red dye..." "10 unknown side affects of this medicine" "Going vegan and using this oil got my kid off his meds..."  and so you stuff all these fears down deep, you take a breath of muggy barely breathable GA "Fall" air and you hop in your car to take your crazy 4 to church and you ram into your husbands truck that has parked in the same spot the last 3.5 years of living here. Yeah that might of happened today. There are not enough bless its.

And you can barely breath. Jesus. Its all so much. And that lovely older mom says "just wait..." and I think, great...now all my fears are even greater, thanks.

BUT JESUS...

Lets take a moment and think of this. BUT JESUS sweet friend. You are not alone. Solace, read my words and take hope, you are not alone.  We will survive, they will survive, and Jesus is our hope. I do know this. And when I handed my child his first dose of medicine and I had to fight demons from ever corner and I breathed shallow every day as I watched for side affects or changes...and my child looks at me one day and says "mom, I just feel happy..." I breath deeper. And Jesus says to my fearful and overwhelmed spirit..

"But me, Child...I am the start of every morning, the middle of every darkened afternoon, and the greatest finisher of each and everyday."

And I breath.

Every single day raising children is hard and exciting and scary and rewarding...each season might bring on new and different challenges I am sure, but my journey with my 8,7,5,4 year old boys is just as much demanding spiritually and emotionally as it will be when I have 17,16,14,13 year olds. Parenting requires you to sit constantly at the feet of Jesus as you open and close those hands every single second of each and every day for your children.

We are raising children in a very big and scary and failing world. We are raising children where we have to teach them how to be different, see different, love different. That doesn't change from 8 to 16- that prayer, that screaming to Jesus that they would have hearts that love Him so they can love others well doesn't change.  I think my sleepless nights are going to become more and more as my boys grow, and I am sure my prayers will change, but the core of them does not. Jesus.