To be quite honest I am not sure how to start this letter, or where to begin. As I search my heart for words I come up empty and am praying that God will give me the words that are embedded deep into my heart. As I am sitting at the desk I have the song “As my Savior Leads Me” by Chris Tomlin playing on repeat because I feel like it describes our journey. The words are:
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide
All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread
[Chorus:]You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow meAll the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way
All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me
God has wrapped Kevin and I into his loving wings and carried us through some of our greatest trials, we look back and although the tears still come as we long for the babies we have lost we know we would walk it all over again if it meant that God would gain all the glory, and He has!
As I sit here and write you, my sweet and loving husband is in the back bedroom which we now call Jaden’s room, he is preparing it for his son that will be arriving in less than ten weeks! Jaden is our first blessing, he is already loved, already wanted, already desired, dreamed about and cherished, and Jaden is and will always be our first BORN! 5 months later, we will give birth to his brother or sister, our second blessing. Even to write that out now I am amazed by what God is giving us! I am 12 weeks pregnant with a second blessing that is already loved, wanted and cherished! We are amazed at what God is doing in our lives and find ourselves often times speechless to describe all that God is giving us!
I have been praying about this post, when and how to write it, the above portion of what I have written is actually part of a letter that we are sending out to our family to announce our news. I have struggled to find the appropriate words to share the exciting news but to also be sensitive to those who read my blog who I know hearts are being torn in two with this news. There is the joy that comes from knowing that someone is receiving their miracle, joy that brings hope, joy that is deep down inside….but what seems to take over in many cases is sorrow, sorrow as you remember the babies you have lost, sorrow of not knowing when, how or if you will receive your miracle, sorrow as you watch one more of those you follow cross over onto the other side.
I get it, and I hate that I am the one causing you this pain. Please know that if you are in this group, which many of you are, that I understand, and however you feel, whatever you need to do, however many tears fall…it is okay.
I have been so absent in blogging lately because once again my blog is about to take on new colors and different shades, my blog is my friend, it has been with me on this journey and as much debate as I have done I have decided that I will continue to post on this blog just as honestly as I have in the past, each turn in the journey brings new path, and this is the new path.
With that said, I understand now if following or reading is too difficult and once again I remind you that it is okay…your allowed to feel that way, I too have felt that way.
Please know that in the midst of my honest writing and updating there will be level of sensitivity as I so remember the pain and ache you are feeling, and although I may be “crossing over” as so many of you have put it, I can never leave completely after the journey God has asked Kevin and I to walk, it does not define who I am but it describes why I am the way I am.
Just know that in the midst of the journey, I have cried out for each of you, thought and prayed over you and knowing that this news will affect many of you, I can only pray that God will wrap you each into his loving wings and carry you through those difficult times and moments.
