Spring is such a representation of new life! It is amazing to me how much the weather really affects us. Now that it is getting warm and I am starting to see new life around our house it really does stir a feeling of new life in my heart.
In the last couple of weeks Kevin and I have heard news of family and friends who are rejoicing and celebrating their new pregnancy, their new life. As excited and joyful as we are for them of course there is a pain and sorrow that follows, as we so desperately want to experience all that they are experiencing.
What I am truly amazed at is that Kevin and I are experiencing new life, but within ourselves. I am daily preparing my heart, my mind, my body to one day be able to experience a new life growing within me. I am constantly praying that it would be God’s timing and not ours; this in itself is new life for me. I feel like the healing that has been taking place in the last few weeks has been God giving Kevin and me a new and vibrant life!
A couple of weeks ago at church our pastor prayed for those dealing with infertility, he prayed that we would have a heart of expectancy, and that is just what I have been having. I don’t know when or how God will bring children into our lives, I don’t know what our family is really going to look like, but I do have a heart of expectancy for all God is about to do.
I am starting to realize that in my life and in this journey I always want to have a heart that is always expecting God to do great thing, because that is the God I serve, He loves to do great and wondrous things, but they are not always what we want or how we want, but they will be greater then we could even imagine! The verse in Ephesians is my hope and my expectancy!
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Awake With New and Vibrant Life
July 2th I wrote a blog, it had only been a month after losing Judah so I was in the midst of my grief and healing. At the end of the blog I wrote:
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I am here to say that God has awakened me, I am standing, praising, and for the first time in a long time I am truly living! He has healed me and wiped every tear from my face, he is the healer of my soul! I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I can now look back at where I was and where I am standing now and know that I can make it through!
I am thankful for my journey- and I know that this is not the end; really this is just the beginning. I do know that no matter what God allows into my life, or what Satan tries to send our way, Kevin and I will make it. I can honestly say that on this journey Kevin and I have never stopped praising our God, not for one second!
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I am here to say that God has awakened me, I am standing, praising, and for the first time in a long time I am truly living! He has healed me and wiped every tear from my face, he is the healer of my soul! I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I can now look back at where I was and where I am standing now and know that I can make it through!
I am thankful for my journey- and I know that this is not the end; really this is just the beginning. I do know that no matter what God allows into my life, or what Satan tries to send our way, Kevin and I will make it. I can honestly say that on this journey Kevin and I have never stopped praising our God, not for one second!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Daniel Bradley
I have been thinking and in prayer for a long time about this post but sometimes I don’t know how to express what is my heart. The post I am about to write about is about the life of a 19 year old boy (I can’t use “man” even though that is what he is!!) named Daniel.
I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.
At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.
However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.
Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.
Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.
I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!
I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.
Click HERE for Daniels Blog
I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.
At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.
However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.
Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.
Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.
I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!
I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.
Click HERE for Daniels Blog
Just a Litte Aunt B Time
On Friday night I had the greatest opportunity to hang out with my sister and my nephew and niece. We had such a great time and I enjoyed being with the kids so much! We made homemade pizza and played games until we were all exhausted. My nieces and nephews sometimes bring the greatest healing, I hold and love them as I long for my own children!
Here are a few of the fun pics from that night!!!
This is my fave- Owen fell asleep just as I was about to leave!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
January 25, 2009
I have been thinking and praying what I should write as today approached. Today is a day of many amazing birthdays, today is an emotional, exciting, and hard day. If you are reading this, today could even be your birthday (Stacey). For me today holds many difficult and exciting moments as each second on the hand of the clock tick by.
Four years ago today my sweet nephew Owen was welcomed into this world. How do I describe that moment when I heard that my sister gave birth to a sweet baby boy. I had only been married for a few months and I can remember the excitement I had when I got the phone call that He was born and he was a healthy 10lb baby boy! Happy Birthday Sweet Owen, I love you!!!!
Today, two years ago we said hello and goodbye to a sweet little girl, Selah. She is the daughter of my cousins Amy and Dan. I can remember the moment my mom called me to tell us Amy was in labor. Selah’s sweet life, although brief in time has impacted so many. Today I remember Selah, I remember her life, I remember my heart longing and asking God to allow her to live and grow with us here on earth, I remember praying for Amy and Dan as they allowed the Lord to call Selah home to his hands and loving arms. Today we say happy birthday our sweet Selah, you will forever hold a place in the hearts of those who love you baby girl!
Today a year ago I was given a due date of January 25th, Owen and Selah’s birthday would be shared by a little baby I thought I would get to bring into the world. God had other plans for our sweet little Eddie. Had our first child that we conceived had been healthy and God had allowed us to see that child to full term we would be celebrating a little boy’s 1st birthday. I can’t help but think about what theme I would go for, I can’t help but wonder if Owen and Eddie would have shared their birthday and celebrated together, I can’t help but wonder….
Today has many emotions, as I remember and think over what God has done in each of our lives. Last year I took flowers to my grandmother’s grave for Selah and Eddie. This year I did not… I decided come June on Judah’s birthday I will take flowers for all the babies that God has called home. My arms ache for my babies, but my heart is healing and today, although I grieve, I feel as though I am grieving in a healthy way- it is not self focused or sadness, it truly is grief wrapped in the joy that only God can give.
January 25, 2009- what a day this will forever be in my heart, it is a special day, and it will always be a special day- it is amazing how God can take an ordinary day and make it such a memorable day!
Four years ago today my sweet nephew Owen was welcomed into this world. How do I describe that moment when I heard that my sister gave birth to a sweet baby boy. I had only been married for a few months and I can remember the excitement I had when I got the phone call that He was born and he was a healthy 10lb baby boy! Happy Birthday Sweet Owen, I love you!!!!
Today, two years ago we said hello and goodbye to a sweet little girl, Selah. She is the daughter of my cousins Amy and Dan. I can remember the moment my mom called me to tell us Amy was in labor. Selah’s sweet life, although brief in time has impacted so many. Today I remember Selah, I remember her life, I remember my heart longing and asking God to allow her to live and grow with us here on earth, I remember praying for Amy and Dan as they allowed the Lord to call Selah home to his hands and loving arms. Today we say happy birthday our sweet Selah, you will forever hold a place in the hearts of those who love you baby girl!
Today a year ago I was given a due date of January 25th, Owen and Selah’s birthday would be shared by a little baby I thought I would get to bring into the world. God had other plans for our sweet little Eddie. Had our first child that we conceived had been healthy and God had allowed us to see that child to full term we would be celebrating a little boy’s 1st birthday. I can’t help but think about what theme I would go for, I can’t help but wonder if Owen and Eddie would have shared their birthday and celebrated together, I can’t help but wonder….
Today has many emotions, as I remember and think over what God has done in each of our lives. Last year I took flowers to my grandmother’s grave for Selah and Eddie. This year I did not… I decided come June on Judah’s birthday I will take flowers for all the babies that God has called home. My arms ache for my babies, but my heart is healing and today, although I grieve, I feel as though I am grieving in a healthy way- it is not self focused or sadness, it truly is grief wrapped in the joy that only God can give.
January 25, 2009- what a day this will forever be in my heart, it is a special day, and it will always be a special day- it is amazing how God can take an ordinary day and make it such a memorable day!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My Dogs Bring Many Smiles
Here is a video of my dogs playing in the snow, you can't really see Zion because he is black, but Moab you can really see and he was having the most fun. Anytime it snows this it what he does, but because the snow was so moist he literally became a snow ball! The dogs constantly bring laughter and smiles into our home! God is such a creative God to give us joy like dogs!
REMEMBER TO PAUSE THE MUSIC AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.... I know it is a little hard to see but you get the picture!
REMEMBER TO PAUSE THE MUSIC AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.... I know it is a little hard to see but you get the picture!
Monday, January 19, 2009
YAY Snow!
If you know me at all then you know I LOVE snow, always have and always will...so can imagine how excited I was when it started snowing and has just kept coming down! God is so good!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
"Then" Where it all Began
It all began when I was working for Woodmen Valley Chapel.
I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.
Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.
It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.
Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.
We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.
Then we lost our second child.
It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.
Then I found friends.
A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.
Then some of them got pregnant.
I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.
Then…
I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!
I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.
Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.
It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.
Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.
We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.
Then we lost our second child.
It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.
Then I found friends.
A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.
Then some of them got pregnant.
I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.
Then…
I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Beautiful Rare Flowers
God is so good! I have always known this, some days it is easier to believe then others, some day’s I have to say it like I believe it hoping that the belief will follow. Lately, God has been blessing us abundantly. The healing being released daily, but the biggest results are the good days outnumbering the bad, and that is true healing.
I am always amazed at who God brings into our lives at the right moments. Kevin and I both have always been blessed by friendships in our lives, and in our journey of moving so many times, we have really had the unique opportunity to meet some of the greatest people. You all have heard me mention my sweet and dear Jamie who I met in PA. As difficult as moves are, and transitions seem to be God always allows us to take away rare stones of friendships that will last a life time.
As I look back over my life I am truly amazed at the bouquet of friends God has chosen for my life. Each one filling the vase of life with a unique color, shape, and form- how creative our God is even with friendships!!!
As I have dealt with loss, and with the struggling of conceiving, I have felt many times that God has chosen to “pluck” a few weeds or dead flowers from the vase, and sometimes that is so hard. I feel as though if He is going to pluck a weed He should then replace it with a new “flower” seems simple enough. However, I am starting to realize that sometimes He has to change out the water, rearrange the flowers, and even sometimes change the vase to a newer vase, and this all takes time…HIS timing!
Kevin and I have had eight months of God doing such things in our lives….preparing us for the new flowers He is about to give us, and that is just what He has done, He in is infinite timing, wonder, and planning has placed beautiful FLOWERS in our lives.
We are starting to see that we ourselves as flowers, which were closed up for a time, are starting to open up not only for friendship but also to healing and love, allowing others in on the journey, and what a true blessing it has been.
God is so Good, today I am not just saying it, today I believe it!
I am always amazed at who God brings into our lives at the right moments. Kevin and I both have always been blessed by friendships in our lives, and in our journey of moving so many times, we have really had the unique opportunity to meet some of the greatest people. You all have heard me mention my sweet and dear Jamie who I met in PA. As difficult as moves are, and transitions seem to be God always allows us to take away rare stones of friendships that will last a life time.
As I look back over my life I am truly amazed at the bouquet of friends God has chosen for my life. Each one filling the vase of life with a unique color, shape, and form- how creative our God is even with friendships!!!
As I have dealt with loss, and with the struggling of conceiving, I have felt many times that God has chosen to “pluck” a few weeds or dead flowers from the vase, and sometimes that is so hard. I feel as though if He is going to pluck a weed He should then replace it with a new “flower” seems simple enough. However, I am starting to realize that sometimes He has to change out the water, rearrange the flowers, and even sometimes change the vase to a newer vase, and this all takes time…HIS timing!
Kevin and I have had eight months of God doing such things in our lives….preparing us for the new flowers He is about to give us, and that is just what He has done, He in is infinite timing, wonder, and planning has placed beautiful FLOWERS in our lives.
We are starting to see that we ourselves as flowers, which were closed up for a time, are starting to open up not only for friendship but also to healing and love, allowing others in on the journey, and what a true blessing it has been.
God is so Good, today I am not just saying it, today I believe it!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Something Different!
So, in the last couple of months I have been tagged by a couple of my girls in the blogging community! This is just a fun way to get to know each other; I have never done a tag before so I thought I would do one to sum up all the tags. I will not tag anyone at the end but only because the girls who have tagged me I would tag back and that would be redundant!
So here are seven random things about me that maybe you do or do not know about me. I think it will be good to do a post like this because it is something different! So I hope you enjoy!
So here are seven random things about me that maybe you do or do not know about me. I think it will be good to do a post like this because it is something different! So I hope you enjoy!
1) My middle name is Allen (yes like a boy…) My Dad’s middle name is Allen, so they gave my older brother the middle name, then when my sister came along they decided to name her with same middle name, so when it was my turn to grace the world they decided to keep with the pattern, and so “Elizabeth Allen” is my name and name to keep. I used to hate it but now I like it!
2) I Broke my arm and had to have surgery to get back to normal when I was in 5th grade jumping off a wall, I broke my ankle in half climbing up a slide when I was in 7th grade, I have been known as “accident prone” because of this and not to mention…getting slammed in the face by a softball 8th grade, cutting my foot pushing off a boat propeller, cutting my knee on scissors, twisting my ankle…and a few others I am sure I am forgetting to mention.
3) I had braces when I was in 5th grade, then again in 8th grade, and now at 27 I am embracing the braces look again!
4) I hate seafood, any kind, any place, anywhere; I have never liked it and am not sure I ever will….
5) I don’t eat chocolate….I have given it up off and on, I have never been one to crave it
6) I have never enjoyed school or liked school, I have always struggled with learning disabilities, I use to always wonder why but now I embrace that this is just how God created me and am thankful He gave me such an amazing husband!
7) I am most like my dad, the only child in our family with brown eyes, and look at life a lot like him, although over the years in my home, my life and my relationship with the Lord I have grown to be much like my mom, the women who is the greatest mentor in my life!
I hope you all enjoyed, I really had a good time doing this, and sometimes it is nice to write about things other than my current journey. I will let you know I am doing really well; we are starting to see more and more good days outnumber the bad days. God is constantly challenging and encouraging me, and I can feel the warmth of his presence more and more in my life!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Not Looking for Easy
I have been pondering for a while now what I should write, no words seem to hit the nail on the head, to give justice to what I am feeling regarding the new year or the fact that eight months have come and gone since Judah, or the emotions of getting past the due date, or the reality that before I know it I will be facing a year.
This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.
When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.
As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.
I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!
So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!
This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.
When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.
As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.
I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!
So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Looking Back
I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.
As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.
As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.
I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.
As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.
He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.
I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.
This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.
As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.
I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.
As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.
He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.
I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.
This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
Psalm 86:15-17
"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Celebrating Sorrow
Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.
It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.
As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.
As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.
We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!
And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!
It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.
As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.
As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.
We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!
And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!
Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!
I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Unwritten Christmas Cards...
I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.
For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.
I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.
As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.
It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.
So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!
For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.
I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.
As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.
It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.
So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Six Months...
I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.
Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.
As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.
As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!
Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.
As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.
As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Coming Out on the Other Side
Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.
God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.
We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!
God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.
We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Riding Out the Storm
Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.
We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!
Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!
We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!
Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)