How do I even begin this post? To describe all that is happening in our lives is overwhelming and miraculous and so much to take in. I am truly having a hard time forming words around all that we are going through, thinking and feeling. I guess the first thing I have been pondering lately is this blog.
I have talked about it before, the journey of this blog, how it was first created to keep in contact with the middle school students I was working with. It was a way for the 300+ students to get a chance to get to know me and my daily struggles, it remained that for about half a year. Then when we moved and lost our first baby it quickly became a place for me to post what was going on with Kevin and me and our lives and journey of moving to NC and trying for our second. After we lost Judah it became a blog about grief, infertility and trying to walk the journey giving God all the glory.
In the last couple of years of my life I have written 233 posts, had over 10,000 hits, and linked up with friends I would have never met. This blog has truly been a hidden treasure from God that has become a best friend. So now that my journey is taking a turn into parenting do I close this blog down? Honestly I know how happy many of you were for me, but I do know the boat some of you are in, I know that there are girls who have been trying for 7 years with many miscarriages, I know that there are girls going through IVF right now, those of you who are pregnant, those of you who have been trying so long and have decided to take a break, those of you who have been waiting for your baby through adoption much longer then Kevin and I, and those of you I don’t know much about. I do know that some of you heard that I was adopting rejoiced for me but also felt the pain in your heart as God has called you to wait a little longer.
So, I know that now this blog is about to be the journey into adopting, the ups and downs, fears, joy and then one day about the moment I held Jaden for the first time. I invite you a long, but I can’t promise that for some of you it may be hard to read, and I understand because I know that feeling; I know that I had to chose not read a few blogs because it surfaced my pain too much. I will promise to always be sensitive, to remember the wide variety of readers, but know I understand if you must take a break from reading. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to walk this journey- it is different for every person and you must walk it the way God created you to walk it. Just know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing your prayers answered.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tanner News
Dear Family and Friends,
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.
The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”
Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.
I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.
But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!
You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??
When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.
Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.
We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!
Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!
We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!
*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!
* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.
*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.
We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.
The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”
Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.
I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.
But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!
You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??
When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.
Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.
We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!
Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!
We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!
*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!
* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.
*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.
We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom
Monday, April 27, 2009
Surrendering to a Godly Perspective
I have been thinking a lot about what to write lately. I honestly don't have words to describe the blessings Kevin and I have been experiencing. I was speaking with a friend this morning about how it is not like anything has changed in my life from the human perspective, I am still at this moment childless, I still have two losses, I am still not pregnant (at least not that I know of...), so what has changed to make me see and feel things so differently?
I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.
Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.
So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8
We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”
I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.
Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.
So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8
We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Kevin is Amazing
Here is a slide show of the most recent project, don't worry there is no music so just enjoy the pics!
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Can't Blossoming into I CAN
I can't believe… that it has been 10 months since losing Judah
I can't believe… that I was pregnant this time last year
I can't believe… where I have been
I can't believe… where I have come from
I can't believe… where I am standing now
I can't believe… all that God has done, will do, and is doing
I can't believe… the blessings through the suffering
I can't believe… God's abundant everlasting Love towards me
I can't believe… all that has happened and all I have been through
I CAN believe… in God who HE is, what HE does and what HE will do-
I can't believe… how much I am moving forward into what I Can believe
I Had to Go through the can't to get to the other side of the I CAN Believe!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Oh My What a Great Suprise
Kevin called me when he got home from work today
There is a big dent in our Mazda is what he had to say.
What are you sure? It just can't be I explain
I did not and would not go out in this yucky rain!
Come down quick and see for yourself,
I promise it is there and nothing else
So as quick as I could I slid on my shoes
and dashed for the stairs to see if it was true...
As I came down the stairs I could not believe my eyes
For there stood my Kevin with a great big surprise!
A brand new Cannon camera just for me
to capture all those moments I always See!!!
Thanks babe!!!!
First picture taken!!!
Claim it by Name
I am constantly amazed by the love I feel through this blog. I am constantly amazed at how God has used this blog to bring such amazing and wonderful people into my life. I never knew how God would bless me through this, I never knew that first day of writing on this blog about the journey God was having Kevin and I walk would turn into such an incredible blessing.
It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.
One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.
I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!
Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!
Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!
It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.
One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.
I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!
Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!
Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Katherine Rae and Jaden Daniel
We had our appointment today with our new OB. It was a follow up from all the testing Kevin and I went through the last couple of weeks. It seems all is well. Kevin's testing came back clear and clearer and more clear. My test… not so much…. but still better than either of us expected or imagined.
Our Dr. does not even think he would classify me with PCOS, and if I did have it, it would be a very mild case...this I am claiming as a healing miracle! I do have a slight increase in a level that can sometimes be caused by a growth on my pituitary gland, it raises awareness and at this moment in time it is benign and not of concern. I will continue to get this checked every six months. If it continues to grow it can cause problems with conceiving, but we are not claiming these things. But please pray for me as I deal with fear and feeling overwhelmed even though our doctor is not concerned I tend to be worried.
As of right now Kevin and I are officially "trying" and are excited about it. We will try on our own for three months and if we are not still pregnant we have appointment in June to discuss what steps we will take next. But we are believing I will be pregnant before then, my next appointment will be to see a baby on that ultrasound!
I am feeling excited!!! I still deal with fear but I know I can’t live in that and I must move past it.
I keep imagining our baby in my arms, the warmth of their sweet body, their tiny little hands and feet. I picture their first smile, giggle, step and word. I know that God did not give me these desires if it was not His desire. I am looking forward to meeting our third child, our little Katherine Rae or Jaden Daniel. We pray for them, dream of them and already love them. I know it will be in God’s perfect timing and plan and I rest in that. I am at peace with this journey and even though I still have my hard moments I claim the future of what God is going to bless Kevin and me with!
(Yes these are my future names, I share them with you so you can claim it with me, not so you can steal them, and if you do Kevin will track you down!!!)
Our Dr. does not even think he would classify me with PCOS, and if I did have it, it would be a very mild case...this I am claiming as a healing miracle! I do have a slight increase in a level that can sometimes be caused by a growth on my pituitary gland, it raises awareness and at this moment in time it is benign and not of concern. I will continue to get this checked every six months. If it continues to grow it can cause problems with conceiving, but we are not claiming these things. But please pray for me as I deal with fear and feeling overwhelmed even though our doctor is not concerned I tend to be worried.
As of right now Kevin and I are officially "trying" and are excited about it. We will try on our own for three months and if we are not still pregnant we have appointment in June to discuss what steps we will take next. But we are believing I will be pregnant before then, my next appointment will be to see a baby on that ultrasound!
I am feeling excited!!! I still deal with fear but I know I can’t live in that and I must move past it.
I keep imagining our baby in my arms, the warmth of their sweet body, their tiny little hands and feet. I picture their first smile, giggle, step and word. I know that God did not give me these desires if it was not His desire. I am looking forward to meeting our third child, our little Katherine Rae or Jaden Daniel. We pray for them, dream of them and already love them. I know it will be in God’s perfect timing and plan and I rest in that. I am at peace with this journey and even though I still have my hard moments I claim the future of what God is going to bless Kevin and me with!
(Yes these are my future names, I share them with you so you can claim it with me, not so you can steal them, and if you do Kevin will track you down!!!)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Our Amazing Weekend
This is Kevin and his uncle right before he took us out on a two hour tour! It was one of my favorite things!
Kevin writing our boys names in the sand
Our boys are never far from our minds!
When we left the Blue Angels were at the same airport we were flying out of, we got to watch with an amazing view!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Constantly Amazed
I am constantly amazed by Gods abundant love and amazing grace towards His children. Almost a year later of finding out I was pregnant I find myself without a child to hold and call my own but in a place of deep love for my Father.
If I must walk through the fire to see my Fathers face I would do it a hundred times over. Kevin and I have needed this time to get close to one another but also find abundant healing in our Fathers embrace.
I love the ocean, I love Gods creation, I love the love Kevin and I have for one another and I love feeling Gods healing breath upon my face and in my spirit. The trip to Florida has been such a blessing, we have enjoyed family and God beauty.
Tonight we ate out and we sat on a the deck right on the water, once again God sent dolphins to dance for us while we enjoyed our meal. It seems that He is sending them often because we saw them today while sitting out on Kevin's grandparents deck. After we left dinner Kevin and I walked down to the water for a moment and enjoyed the sunset. "Why is it I am enjoying this trip more?" I asked Kevin, his reply summed up our experience through our loss "I think we appreciate things more..."
We do appreciate things more, because we know what it means to lose something so precious and dear to you.
Don't worry I will have pictures soon!
If I must walk through the fire to see my Fathers face I would do it a hundred times over. Kevin and I have needed this time to get close to one another but also find abundant healing in our Fathers embrace.
I love the ocean, I love Gods creation, I love the love Kevin and I have for one another and I love feeling Gods healing breath upon my face and in my spirit. The trip to Florida has been such a blessing, we have enjoyed family and God beauty.
Tonight we ate out and we sat on a the deck right on the water, once again God sent dolphins to dance for us while we enjoyed our meal. It seems that He is sending them often because we saw them today while sitting out on Kevin's grandparents deck. After we left dinner Kevin and I walked down to the water for a moment and enjoyed the sunset. "Why is it I am enjoying this trip more?" I asked Kevin, his reply summed up our experience through our loss "I think we appreciate things more..."
We do appreciate things more, because we know what it means to lose something so precious and dear to you.
Don't worry I will have pictures soon!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Moving Forward
Wow I am slacking on my blogging. I don't mean to, but I am healing so well that I find myself more and more busy everyday, which is such a blessing.
Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.
It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.
I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."
My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.
After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.
We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.
We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?
I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!
Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.
It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.
I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."
My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.
After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.
We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.
We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?
I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Peace in the Unknowns
Kevin and I have been walking in many unknowns for the last several months. The unknown if we can ever conceive again, the unknown of when we would start trying again, the unknown of the future and what God is going to do with our lives.
In the midst of so many unknowns it is so hard to find that peace, you can find yourself caught up in the fear of the future that you lose sight of God and the fact that the future is in the palm of His almighty hand.
I have once again gotten sick, after flying in to PA to visit Jamie and Jodi I landed with a sore throat that progressed into a major sinus infection. I can’t seem to find health and I can feel Satan kicking me down with sickness. I know that God hates sickness and I know that in the midst of this sickness He is still in control and allowing me to get stretched beyond a point I ever thought I could go.
In the midst of all the unknowns Kevin and I are constantly seeking peace, seeking His voice, His hand, His plan. Although it is so hard at times we refuse to do anything less, and sometimes when I can’t seem to find that peace all I do is praise Him for who is, knowing and believing that He has great things planned for Kevin and I and our future!
The night before we found out we were losing Judah I was laying awake anticipating the ultra sound we were going to have the next day. We were anticipating finding out if we were going to have twins, it was a great possibility since my levels we so high. I can remember I kept asking God “God what will it be, one or two?” I can remember Gods response so clearly, “Beth, just wait and see what I have for you!” This has been a constant response as we seek God through all the unknowns.
I do truly believe with all my heart that God has the most perfect baby picked out for Kevin and I, I truly believe that God has the best in store for Kevin and I. Although I don’t know how it will come about, or how God will write our story, I do know I can expect great things from God.
So in the midst of all the unknowns right now please pray that Kevin and I would constantly hear God’s voice and nothing else, that we would have peace that passes understanding and that would stand on the promise to expect great things from God!
In the midst of so many unknowns it is so hard to find that peace, you can find yourself caught up in the fear of the future that you lose sight of God and the fact that the future is in the palm of His almighty hand.
I have once again gotten sick, after flying in to PA to visit Jamie and Jodi I landed with a sore throat that progressed into a major sinus infection. I can’t seem to find health and I can feel Satan kicking me down with sickness. I know that God hates sickness and I know that in the midst of this sickness He is still in control and allowing me to get stretched beyond a point I ever thought I could go.
In the midst of all the unknowns Kevin and I are constantly seeking peace, seeking His voice, His hand, His plan. Although it is so hard at times we refuse to do anything less, and sometimes when I can’t seem to find that peace all I do is praise Him for who is, knowing and believing that He has great things planned for Kevin and I and our future!
The night before we found out we were losing Judah I was laying awake anticipating the ultra sound we were going to have the next day. We were anticipating finding out if we were going to have twins, it was a great possibility since my levels we so high. I can remember I kept asking God “God what will it be, one or two?” I can remember Gods response so clearly, “Beth, just wait and see what I have for you!” This has been a constant response as we seek God through all the unknowns.
I do truly believe with all my heart that God has the most perfect baby picked out for Kevin and I, I truly believe that God has the best in store for Kevin and I. Although I don’t know how it will come about, or how God will write our story, I do know I can expect great things from God.
So in the midst of all the unknowns right now please pray that Kevin and I would constantly hear God’s voice and nothing else, that we would have peace that passes understanding and that would stand on the promise to expect great things from God!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Your Very Best
Remember to pause my music at the bottom of the screen before watching the clip!
I have watched this movie over and over again, and the scene above is one scene that has stuck with me over the years. Sometimes I feel like God is leaning over me in life and yelling the things that the coach is yelling. I feel like he encourages me and asking me constantly to give him my very best...
I feel like quiting sometimes, especially in this journey of wanting a baby, some days are just so hard. I often times feel like I have yelled to God that I can't do anymore- "it hurts," "it is to hard" and God continues to yell at me not to quit...to give him my VERY BEST, and He continues to encourage me every agonizing step I take.
I know that one day I will hold a baby in my arms- until that moment, as hard as it may be I will continue to do my very best!
Daniels blog and Moments framed have also been updated- Go check them out!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Hair Cut
Here are a few pics of the dogs, I don't know how but I was able to find a some energy to give them haircuts! I wish I had taken a before but I did not think about it, so I was able to find one from awhile back....
They are so much fun!
Sickness and Waiting
Well the last couple of days I have been sick. As I was throwing up I kept thinking “not again Lord…” Fortunately I had medicine left over from when I had food poisoning that I was able to take to stop the throwing up, now I am just dealing with a sore throat and weakness. The bummer part of being sick this time was that Kevin was in Houston, it is no fun being sick alone.
This sickness seemed to hit everyone around me. I was most concerned about Daniel and my 90 year old Nana; they both did get it but seem to be coming out on the other side fine. I know that this was just another kick from satan, especially since lately I have been really doing so well. When I wrote out that I was truly living I knew this was going to make satan so angry, he can kick all he wants, I will not be destroyed!
I have been praying about writing and sharing where Kevin and I are when it comes to trying again for a child. The past pregnancy really knocked me out not only physically but emotionally as well. As you all know I am just coming out on the other side and it has been a rough and rocky road, but I AM STILL STANDING! Part of this journey was waiting the six months to try. Once the six months approached I knew I was not ready to try again, at that moment we decided to go month by month in deciding when the best time would be, we are still waiting for the Lord to release our hearts so that we can try again.
I know some people don’t understand why we would wait, why we would want to wait when there is not guarantee when or how long it may take. I have had those same thoughts and fears. I am starting to realize that as much as I would like to think that having a child is in my control it is not, God is far bigger then my control. I just know what I feel in my heart, I want to be the best I can be when God decides to hand us the greatest gift of a child, and I feel as though each day I am closer to that moment.
I have hesitated in sharing with people this part of the journey because I know some don’t understand, but I don’t think any of us can understand Gods ways sometimes, but we can look back and see his amazing grace and his sufficient love. He is giving me strength to make it through this waiting, and I am sure there will be more days in waiting ahead. I know I can trust in Gods timing, Gods hands, Gods plans, and Gods amazing story for me!
This sickness seemed to hit everyone around me. I was most concerned about Daniel and my 90 year old Nana; they both did get it but seem to be coming out on the other side fine. I know that this was just another kick from satan, especially since lately I have been really doing so well. When I wrote out that I was truly living I knew this was going to make satan so angry, he can kick all he wants, I will not be destroyed!
I have been praying about writing and sharing where Kevin and I are when it comes to trying again for a child. The past pregnancy really knocked me out not only physically but emotionally as well. As you all know I am just coming out on the other side and it has been a rough and rocky road, but I AM STILL STANDING! Part of this journey was waiting the six months to try. Once the six months approached I knew I was not ready to try again, at that moment we decided to go month by month in deciding when the best time would be, we are still waiting for the Lord to release our hearts so that we can try again.
I know some people don’t understand why we would wait, why we would want to wait when there is not guarantee when or how long it may take. I have had those same thoughts and fears. I am starting to realize that as much as I would like to think that having a child is in my control it is not, God is far bigger then my control. I just know what I feel in my heart, I want to be the best I can be when God decides to hand us the greatest gift of a child, and I feel as though each day I am closer to that moment.
I have hesitated in sharing with people this part of the journey because I know some don’t understand, but I don’t think any of us can understand Gods ways sometimes, but we can look back and see his amazing grace and his sufficient love. He is giving me strength to make it through this waiting, and I am sure there will be more days in waiting ahead. I know I can trust in Gods timing, Gods hands, Gods plans, and Gods amazing story for me!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
With Springs Comes Expectancy
Spring is such a representation of new life! It is amazing to me how much the weather really affects us. Now that it is getting warm and I am starting to see new life around our house it really does stir a feeling of new life in my heart.
In the last couple of weeks Kevin and I have heard news of family and friends who are rejoicing and celebrating their new pregnancy, their new life. As excited and joyful as we are for them of course there is a pain and sorrow that follows, as we so desperately want to experience all that they are experiencing.
What I am truly amazed at is that Kevin and I are experiencing new life, but within ourselves. I am daily preparing my heart, my mind, my body to one day be able to experience a new life growing within me. I am constantly praying that it would be God’s timing and not ours; this in itself is new life for me. I feel like the healing that has been taking place in the last few weeks has been God giving Kevin and me a new and vibrant life!
A couple of weeks ago at church our pastor prayed for those dealing with infertility, he prayed that we would have a heart of expectancy, and that is just what I have been having. I don’t know when or how God will bring children into our lives, I don’t know what our family is really going to look like, but I do have a heart of expectancy for all God is about to do.
I am starting to realize that in my life and in this journey I always want to have a heart that is always expecting God to do great thing, because that is the God I serve, He loves to do great and wondrous things, but they are not always what we want or how we want, but they will be greater then we could even imagine! The verse in Ephesians is my hope and my expectancy!
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…
In the last couple of weeks Kevin and I have heard news of family and friends who are rejoicing and celebrating their new pregnancy, their new life. As excited and joyful as we are for them of course there is a pain and sorrow that follows, as we so desperately want to experience all that they are experiencing.
What I am truly amazed at is that Kevin and I are experiencing new life, but within ourselves. I am daily preparing my heart, my mind, my body to one day be able to experience a new life growing within me. I am constantly praying that it would be God’s timing and not ours; this in itself is new life for me. I feel like the healing that has been taking place in the last few weeks has been God giving Kevin and me a new and vibrant life!
A couple of weeks ago at church our pastor prayed for those dealing with infertility, he prayed that we would have a heart of expectancy, and that is just what I have been having. I don’t know when or how God will bring children into our lives, I don’t know what our family is really going to look like, but I do have a heart of expectancy for all God is about to do.
I am starting to realize that in my life and in this journey I always want to have a heart that is always expecting God to do great thing, because that is the God I serve, He loves to do great and wondrous things, but they are not always what we want or how we want, but they will be greater then we could even imagine! The verse in Ephesians is my hope and my expectancy!
Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Awake With New and Vibrant Life
July 2th I wrote a blog, it had only been a month after losing Judah so I was in the midst of my grief and healing. At the end of the blog I wrote:
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I am here to say that God has awakened me, I am standing, praising, and for the first time in a long time I am truly living! He has healed me and wiped every tear from my face, he is the healer of my soul! I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I can now look back at where I was and where I am standing now and know that I can make it through!
I am thankful for my journey- and I know that this is not the end; really this is just the beginning. I do know that no matter what God allows into my life, or what Satan tries to send our way, Kevin and I will make it. I can honestly say that on this journey Kevin and I have never stopped praising our God, not for one second!
“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”
Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "
I am here to say that God has awakened me, I am standing, praising, and for the first time in a long time I am truly living! He has healed me and wiped every tear from my face, he is the healer of my soul! I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I can now look back at where I was and where I am standing now and know that I can make it through!
I am thankful for my journey- and I know that this is not the end; really this is just the beginning. I do know that no matter what God allows into my life, or what Satan tries to send our way, Kevin and I will make it. I can honestly say that on this journey Kevin and I have never stopped praising our God, not for one second!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Daniel Bradley
I have been thinking and in prayer for a long time about this post but sometimes I don’t know how to express what is my heart. The post I am about to write about is about the life of a 19 year old boy (I can’t use “man” even though that is what he is!!) named Daniel.
I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.
At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.
However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.
Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.
Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.
I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!
I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.
Click HERE for Daniels Blog
I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.
At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.
However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.
Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.
Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.
I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!
I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.
Click HERE for Daniels Blog
Just a Litte Aunt B Time
On Friday night I had the greatest opportunity to hang out with my sister and my nephew and niece. We had such a great time and I enjoyed being with the kids so much! We made homemade pizza and played games until we were all exhausted. My nieces and nephews sometimes bring the greatest healing, I hold and love them as I long for my own children!
Here are a few of the fun pics from that night!!!
This is my fave- Owen fell asleep just as I was about to leave!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
January 25, 2009
I have been thinking and praying what I should write as today approached. Today is a day of many amazing birthdays, today is an emotional, exciting, and hard day. If you are reading this, today could even be your birthday (Stacey). For me today holds many difficult and exciting moments as each second on the hand of the clock tick by.
Four years ago today my sweet nephew Owen was welcomed into this world. How do I describe that moment when I heard that my sister gave birth to a sweet baby boy. I had only been married for a few months and I can remember the excitement I had when I got the phone call that He was born and he was a healthy 10lb baby boy! Happy Birthday Sweet Owen, I love you!!!!
Today, two years ago we said hello and goodbye to a sweet little girl, Selah. She is the daughter of my cousins Amy and Dan. I can remember the moment my mom called me to tell us Amy was in labor. Selah’s sweet life, although brief in time has impacted so many. Today I remember Selah, I remember her life, I remember my heart longing and asking God to allow her to live and grow with us here on earth, I remember praying for Amy and Dan as they allowed the Lord to call Selah home to his hands and loving arms. Today we say happy birthday our sweet Selah, you will forever hold a place in the hearts of those who love you baby girl!
Today a year ago I was given a due date of January 25th, Owen and Selah’s birthday would be shared by a little baby I thought I would get to bring into the world. God had other plans for our sweet little Eddie. Had our first child that we conceived had been healthy and God had allowed us to see that child to full term we would be celebrating a little boy’s 1st birthday. I can’t help but think about what theme I would go for, I can’t help but wonder if Owen and Eddie would have shared their birthday and celebrated together, I can’t help but wonder….
Today has many emotions, as I remember and think over what God has done in each of our lives. Last year I took flowers to my grandmother’s grave for Selah and Eddie. This year I did not… I decided come June on Judah’s birthday I will take flowers for all the babies that God has called home. My arms ache for my babies, but my heart is healing and today, although I grieve, I feel as though I am grieving in a healthy way- it is not self focused or sadness, it truly is grief wrapped in the joy that only God can give.
January 25, 2009- what a day this will forever be in my heart, it is a special day, and it will always be a special day- it is amazing how God can take an ordinary day and make it such a memorable day!
Four years ago today my sweet nephew Owen was welcomed into this world. How do I describe that moment when I heard that my sister gave birth to a sweet baby boy. I had only been married for a few months and I can remember the excitement I had when I got the phone call that He was born and he was a healthy 10lb baby boy! Happy Birthday Sweet Owen, I love you!!!!
Today, two years ago we said hello and goodbye to a sweet little girl, Selah. She is the daughter of my cousins Amy and Dan. I can remember the moment my mom called me to tell us Amy was in labor. Selah’s sweet life, although brief in time has impacted so many. Today I remember Selah, I remember her life, I remember my heart longing and asking God to allow her to live and grow with us here on earth, I remember praying for Amy and Dan as they allowed the Lord to call Selah home to his hands and loving arms. Today we say happy birthday our sweet Selah, you will forever hold a place in the hearts of those who love you baby girl!
Today a year ago I was given a due date of January 25th, Owen and Selah’s birthday would be shared by a little baby I thought I would get to bring into the world. God had other plans for our sweet little Eddie. Had our first child that we conceived had been healthy and God had allowed us to see that child to full term we would be celebrating a little boy’s 1st birthday. I can’t help but think about what theme I would go for, I can’t help but wonder if Owen and Eddie would have shared their birthday and celebrated together, I can’t help but wonder….
Today has many emotions, as I remember and think over what God has done in each of our lives. Last year I took flowers to my grandmother’s grave for Selah and Eddie. This year I did not… I decided come June on Judah’s birthday I will take flowers for all the babies that God has called home. My arms ache for my babies, but my heart is healing and today, although I grieve, I feel as though I am grieving in a healthy way- it is not self focused or sadness, it truly is grief wrapped in the joy that only God can give.
January 25, 2009- what a day this will forever be in my heart, it is a special day, and it will always be a special day- it is amazing how God can take an ordinary day and make it such a memorable day!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My Dogs Bring Many Smiles
Here is a video of my dogs playing in the snow, you can't really see Zion because he is black, but Moab you can really see and he was having the most fun. Anytime it snows this it what he does, but because the snow was so moist he literally became a snow ball! The dogs constantly bring laughter and smiles into our home! God is such a creative God to give us joy like dogs!
REMEMBER TO PAUSE THE MUSIC AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.... I know it is a little hard to see but you get the picture!
REMEMBER TO PAUSE THE MUSIC AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.... I know it is a little hard to see but you get the picture!
Monday, January 19, 2009
YAY Snow!
If you know me at all then you know I LOVE snow, always have and always will...so can imagine how excited I was when it started snowing and has just kept coming down! God is so good!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
"Then" Where it all Began
It all began when I was working for Woodmen Valley Chapel.
I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.
Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.
It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.
Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.
We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.
Then we lost our second child.
It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.
Then I found friends.
A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.
Then some of them got pregnant.
I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.
Then…
I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!
I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.
Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.
It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.
Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.
We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.
Then we lost our second child.
It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.
Then I found friends.
A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.
Then some of them got pregnant.
I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.
Then…
I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Beautiful Rare Flowers
God is so good! I have always known this, some days it is easier to believe then others, some day’s I have to say it like I believe it hoping that the belief will follow. Lately, God has been blessing us abundantly. The healing being released daily, but the biggest results are the good days outnumbering the bad, and that is true healing.
I am always amazed at who God brings into our lives at the right moments. Kevin and I both have always been blessed by friendships in our lives, and in our journey of moving so many times, we have really had the unique opportunity to meet some of the greatest people. You all have heard me mention my sweet and dear Jamie who I met in PA. As difficult as moves are, and transitions seem to be God always allows us to take away rare stones of friendships that will last a life time.
As I look back over my life I am truly amazed at the bouquet of friends God has chosen for my life. Each one filling the vase of life with a unique color, shape, and form- how creative our God is even with friendships!!!
As I have dealt with loss, and with the struggling of conceiving, I have felt many times that God has chosen to “pluck” a few weeds or dead flowers from the vase, and sometimes that is so hard. I feel as though if He is going to pluck a weed He should then replace it with a new “flower” seems simple enough. However, I am starting to realize that sometimes He has to change out the water, rearrange the flowers, and even sometimes change the vase to a newer vase, and this all takes time…HIS timing!
Kevin and I have had eight months of God doing such things in our lives….preparing us for the new flowers He is about to give us, and that is just what He has done, He in is infinite timing, wonder, and planning has placed beautiful FLOWERS in our lives.
We are starting to see that we ourselves as flowers, which were closed up for a time, are starting to open up not only for friendship but also to healing and love, allowing others in on the journey, and what a true blessing it has been.
God is so Good, today I am not just saying it, today I believe it!
I am always amazed at who God brings into our lives at the right moments. Kevin and I both have always been blessed by friendships in our lives, and in our journey of moving so many times, we have really had the unique opportunity to meet some of the greatest people. You all have heard me mention my sweet and dear Jamie who I met in PA. As difficult as moves are, and transitions seem to be God always allows us to take away rare stones of friendships that will last a life time.
As I look back over my life I am truly amazed at the bouquet of friends God has chosen for my life. Each one filling the vase of life with a unique color, shape, and form- how creative our God is even with friendships!!!
As I have dealt with loss, and with the struggling of conceiving, I have felt many times that God has chosen to “pluck” a few weeds or dead flowers from the vase, and sometimes that is so hard. I feel as though if He is going to pluck a weed He should then replace it with a new “flower” seems simple enough. However, I am starting to realize that sometimes He has to change out the water, rearrange the flowers, and even sometimes change the vase to a newer vase, and this all takes time…HIS timing!
Kevin and I have had eight months of God doing such things in our lives….preparing us for the new flowers He is about to give us, and that is just what He has done, He in is infinite timing, wonder, and planning has placed beautiful FLOWERS in our lives.
We are starting to see that we ourselves as flowers, which were closed up for a time, are starting to open up not only for friendship but also to healing and love, allowing others in on the journey, and what a true blessing it has been.
God is so Good, today I am not just saying it, today I believe it!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Something Different!
So, in the last couple of months I have been tagged by a couple of my girls in the blogging community! This is just a fun way to get to know each other; I have never done a tag before so I thought I would do one to sum up all the tags. I will not tag anyone at the end but only because the girls who have tagged me I would tag back and that would be redundant!
So here are seven random things about me that maybe you do or do not know about me. I think it will be good to do a post like this because it is something different! So I hope you enjoy!
So here are seven random things about me that maybe you do or do not know about me. I think it will be good to do a post like this because it is something different! So I hope you enjoy!
1) My middle name is Allen (yes like a boy…) My Dad’s middle name is Allen, so they gave my older brother the middle name, then when my sister came along they decided to name her with same middle name, so when it was my turn to grace the world they decided to keep with the pattern, and so “Elizabeth Allen” is my name and name to keep. I used to hate it but now I like it!
2) I Broke my arm and had to have surgery to get back to normal when I was in 5th grade jumping off a wall, I broke my ankle in half climbing up a slide when I was in 7th grade, I have been known as “accident prone” because of this and not to mention…getting slammed in the face by a softball 8th grade, cutting my foot pushing off a boat propeller, cutting my knee on scissors, twisting my ankle…and a few others I am sure I am forgetting to mention.
3) I had braces when I was in 5th grade, then again in 8th grade, and now at 27 I am embracing the braces look again!
4) I hate seafood, any kind, any place, anywhere; I have never liked it and am not sure I ever will….
5) I don’t eat chocolate….I have given it up off and on, I have never been one to crave it
6) I have never enjoyed school or liked school, I have always struggled with learning disabilities, I use to always wonder why but now I embrace that this is just how God created me and am thankful He gave me such an amazing husband!
7) I am most like my dad, the only child in our family with brown eyes, and look at life a lot like him, although over the years in my home, my life and my relationship with the Lord I have grown to be much like my mom, the women who is the greatest mentor in my life!
I hope you all enjoyed, I really had a good time doing this, and sometimes it is nice to write about things other than my current journey. I will let you know I am doing really well; we are starting to see more and more good days outnumber the bad days. God is constantly challenging and encouraging me, and I can feel the warmth of his presence more and more in my life!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Not Looking for Easy
I have been pondering for a while now what I should write, no words seem to hit the nail on the head, to give justice to what I am feeling regarding the new year or the fact that eight months have come and gone since Judah, or the emotions of getting past the due date, or the reality that before I know it I will be facing a year.
This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.
When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.
As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.
I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!
So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!
This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.
When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.
As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.
I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!
So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Looking Back
I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.
As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.
As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.
I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.
As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.
He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.
I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.
This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.
As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.
I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.
As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.
He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.
I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.
This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!
Psalm 86:15-17
"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Celebrating Sorrow
Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.
It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.
As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.
As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.
We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!
And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!
It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.
As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.
As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.
We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!
And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!
Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!
I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Unwritten Christmas Cards...
I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.
For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.
I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.
As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.
It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.
So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!
For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.
I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.
As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.
It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.
So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Six Months...
I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.
Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.
As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.
As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!
Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.
As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.
As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Coming Out on the Other Side
Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.
God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.
We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!
God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.
We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Riding Out the Storm
Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.
We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!
Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!
We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!
Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Giving Thanks with Empty Arms
I am amazed that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; I am amazed that all the leaves have fallen and that the cold of winter is upon us, I am amazed that months have passed, minutes have come and gone, and soon we will be welcoming in a new year.
I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.
Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.
The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.
So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.
So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!
I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.
Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.
The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.
So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.
So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Psalm 121: 1-8
We are doing well, and had such a relaxing weekend! I can’t express to you how good my God is to allow Kevin and me a trip like this. When I spoke to my mentor a few weeks back she asked me when and if Kevin and I had had the opportunity to go on a vacation, of course with the economy the way it is we felt as though staying put was the best decision, I have been praying for a vacation and time away alone with Kevin since we lost Judah- and although Kevin is having to work, we had the whole weekend just the two of us, God is so good.
I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.
I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.
Psalm 121 1-8
I look up to the mountains—
I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;
3 He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!
5 The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever
It is interesting because this particular Psalm was written about the pilgrim’s journey ascending Jerusalem- a journey, a path, a distance, the ups downs and everything in between, I love this and I love even more what Beth Moore says about it…
“He (the traveler) looks at the hills in the distance, wondering and probably even fearing what might be on the other side. He anticipates the long, arduous journey ahead and, like all of us, wishes he could arrive in the blink of an eye rather than feel the effects of life on the road.” Beth Moore-
You could put my name in there, and I am sure whoever is reading this feels as though you could put your name in there, anyone in this economy feels as though they could put their name in there! These are uncertain times, not only in my life as walking the path of wanting a child, but in the path of everything it seems. I look ahead and all I see are looming mountains, I look behind and all I see are the mountains I have already come from, and I often times think, Lord can I make this? And the reply is steady, consistent, loving and patient; the reply is always “YES!” And he whispers into each of our ears,
“I will not let you stumble, I will never sleep, I will watch over you, stand beside you and be your shade, I will keep ALL harm from you and I will watch over your life, there is no place you can go that I will not watch, both now and FOREVER!” -God
And with that is there anything more we need? Anything more we can fear? Anything more we need to know? Today that is what I hold onto, Today and forever more!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Here a few pics
Here is where we are staying, and the dogs enjoying the vacation. First day is going great!!!
I believe this kitchen is better then our kitchen at home!
Bored so I moved furniture around, the boys liked that they could see out the window now!
This is just a cute picture of Kev with the dogs!
Boys enjoying their stay!
Bedroom
Bedroom
I believe this kitchen is better then our kitchen at home!
Bored so I moved furniture around, the boys liked that they could see out the window now!
This is just a cute picture of Kev with the dogs!
Unexpected Vacation (well for me...)
What a surprise! Kevin called a couple weeks back and asked If I wanted to join him on a business trip to Indiana, and then head up to Michigan to spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents. I was super excited about the idea, and so we waited to see if it would really happen. Kevin called Monday and asked if I would be willing to pack up and leave Wednesday, and I was! Since this is a business trip they rented us a car and will pay for a hotel and food, so off we set for an eight hour drive and a two week semi vacation!
We will be here in Plainfield Indiana for a week, where I will spend all my days in the hotel with the dogs (yea we got to bring the dogs!!), without a car and nothing to do, which is exactly vacation to me! I plan on getting a lot of reading done and sleeping in. God is so good to give us this surprise trip, and to be able to come with Kevin on a business trip is such an unexpected blessing. I will miss him during the day but it is so nice that we have our evenings together.
I will miss my family at Thanksgiving, and am sorry Kevin and I will not be there, but I am so blessed to be able to spend it with his Grandparents, of both sides. We are also anxious to see Grandpa since he just went through another round of surgery to try and locate the cancer. He is doing well, and we are really looking forward to more time with them
We will be here in Plainfield Indiana for a week, where I will spend all my days in the hotel with the dogs (yea we got to bring the dogs!!), without a car and nothing to do, which is exactly vacation to me! I plan on getting a lot of reading done and sleeping in. God is so good to give us this surprise trip, and to be able to come with Kevin on a business trip is such an unexpected blessing. I will miss him during the day but it is so nice that we have our evenings together.
I will miss my family at Thanksgiving, and am sorry Kevin and I will not be there, but I am so blessed to be able to spend it with his Grandparents, of both sides. We are also anxious to see Grandpa since he just went through another round of surgery to try and locate the cancer. He is doing well, and we are really looking forward to more time with them
Monday, November 17, 2008
Easier to Breath
Today has been a peaceful day. It is chilly out but was not too cold for me to go for a walk at the nearby park. I have missed my daily walks with my dogs. When I found out I was pregnant with Judah I would go and walk every day, since losing Judah it was harder for me to find the strength to get out. I do feel the strength and healing that God is performing in and through my life.
I am enjoying a cup of hot tea and there is not a cloud in the blue sky. Days like these I feel so close to the Lord, his presence warming my soul and heart and letting me know things are okay. I am thankful for his everlasting love and patience with me, giving me the time to heal and never leaving my side. Today it is easier to breath, each breath full of healing and peace. I am so thankful for these days, God is so good!
I am enjoying a cup of hot tea and there is not a cloud in the blue sky. Days like these I feel so close to the Lord, his presence warming my soul and heart and letting me know things are okay. I am thankful for his everlasting love and patience with me, giving me the time to heal and never leaving my side. Today it is easier to breath, each breath full of healing and peace. I am so thankful for these days, God is so good!
Friday, November 14, 2008
Embracing the Season
The cold weather has made its presence known. Almost all of our leaves have fallen, and the holidays are nibbling at our toes, making people anxious to start the Season. As for me, I am not looking forward to the hallmark holiday, the Christmas trees, lights, decorations as I normally do. I am looking forward to meditating on Christ and celebrating a miracle that saved me. I am especially fond of the sweet story of Mary this year, as she lived out my hopes and dreams, unexpectedly. December is fast approaching, the end of our six month wait, and the due date of our little boy feels as though it is right around the corner.
I can’t be sure how I will handle this Christmas season, last Christmas season was just as hard as our due date was January. Seems it has put a new perspective on celebrating for Kevin and me, as we celebrate with great heaviness upon our shoulders. Each holiday commercial reminding us that we have no children to shop for, no great surprises for our little one, no picking out the toy you know they so desperately want. We don’t have children to curl up with in front of the tree and tell stories; I am not able to hug my belly in anticipation of meeting my second one, this is not the reality in which we live in this season of our lives.
We do have Christ to hold onto, Christ to find joy in, and Christ to provide strength for the tough days ahead, where everything seems to enhance family and children. We will embrace this holiday season, but probably a bit differently than those across the street or down the road, our house will be filled with joy and sorrow, as celebrate Christ’s birth and the loss of our child.
I can’t be sure how I will handle this Christmas season, last Christmas season was just as hard as our due date was January. Seems it has put a new perspective on celebrating for Kevin and me, as we celebrate with great heaviness upon our shoulders. Each holiday commercial reminding us that we have no children to shop for, no great surprises for our little one, no picking out the toy you know they so desperately want. We don’t have children to curl up with in front of the tree and tell stories; I am not able to hug my belly in anticipation of meeting my second one, this is not the reality in which we live in this season of our lives.
We do have Christ to hold onto, Christ to find joy in, and Christ to provide strength for the tough days ahead, where everything seems to enhance family and children. We will embrace this holiday season, but probably a bit differently than those across the street or down the road, our house will be filled with joy and sorrow, as celebrate Christ’s birth and the loss of our child.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Walking in the Wilderness
I visited a church yesterday with my good friend Daniel. Kevin and I both enjoyed our experience there but still at the end of the day feel as though we do not really belong anywhere in this season of our life. The pastor spoke about wilderness, how there is a forced wilderness of your own doing, or a wilderness where God takes you away so that He can reveal certain things to just you. The obvious is true, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, and we are lonely, and we are searching for the way. We do not feel as though this is a choice we have made, but we do know that we have always given our lives away to God to do as He sees fit. So at the end of the day, I feel as though God must have something very unique and special for only our ears, eyes, and heart for he has lead us to the wilderness and we are not asked to leave just yet.
I spent sometime this morning reading a couple of passages in Exodus about Moses and the Israelites. There are so many things that struck my heart. My mom is always reminding me of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians’ on their heels and God’s amazing protection and provision. Sometimes we feel as though we are standing right next to the Red Sea just waiting for it to break so that we can get out of harm’s way, the anticipation and doubt always nearby making its presence known.
As I continued to read about their experience in the wilderness I was once again moved in my spirit by a few distinct things. Those Israelites were grumblers. God was very aware that he had walked them to the wilderness, he was aware of the journey they were on, He was aware of their emotions and their hearts. They come through a huge victory of the red Sea, they sing and dance, and not even a day later they are complaining once again. Exodus 16:2 “IF only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and at all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Oh man I would love to get my hands on those stupid people. But just has I type this, and even say this I can hear the sweet whisper of the Lord…
“Uh Beth my dear, you do the same thing….”
My first instinct is to say “No Not ME” but I know do. God has brought me out of so many things. Even in this journey, I could have died with Eddie, I was hemorrhaging as I walked into that hospital, my stomach was already full of blood, God could have called me home, but HE didn’t. But I have been known to say “It would have been better if God had just let me die then…” I am not any better than those Egyptians. As I continued reading on, I continued to see them complain, and God would answer their cries, over and over and over, and they would continue their complaining.
Yes, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, not by choice but by God’s hand and direction. I do look forward to one day stepping foot into that river of freedom, but I do not know when that will be. For now, I must not complain in this wilderness, God knows my heart, my journey, my emotions (he created me). He knows my dark days, my good days and everything in between, and he is constantly providing for Kevin and I Just enough “manna” each day during this season in our life.
I know many of you who read this, feel as though you too are walking in a wilderness, have hope, God will prevail, and He will never leave you there by yourself. But when he does show the path to freedom, we must MUST walk towards it, we must obey, because I don’t know about you, but for Kevin and I we don’t want to die in this wilderness!
I spent sometime this morning reading a couple of passages in Exodus about Moses and the Israelites. There are so many things that struck my heart. My mom is always reminding me of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians’ on their heels and God’s amazing protection and provision. Sometimes we feel as though we are standing right next to the Red Sea just waiting for it to break so that we can get out of harm’s way, the anticipation and doubt always nearby making its presence known.
As I continued to read about their experience in the wilderness I was once again moved in my spirit by a few distinct things. Those Israelites were grumblers. God was very aware that he had walked them to the wilderness, he was aware of the journey they were on, He was aware of their emotions and their hearts. They come through a huge victory of the red Sea, they sing and dance, and not even a day later they are complaining once again. Exodus 16:2 “IF only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and at all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Oh man I would love to get my hands on those stupid people. But just has I type this, and even say this I can hear the sweet whisper of the Lord…
“Uh Beth my dear, you do the same thing….”
My first instinct is to say “No Not ME” but I know do. God has brought me out of so many things. Even in this journey, I could have died with Eddie, I was hemorrhaging as I walked into that hospital, my stomach was already full of blood, God could have called me home, but HE didn’t. But I have been known to say “It would have been better if God had just let me die then…” I am not any better than those Egyptians. As I continued reading on, I continued to see them complain, and God would answer their cries, over and over and over, and they would continue their complaining.
Yes, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, not by choice but by God’s hand and direction. I do look forward to one day stepping foot into that river of freedom, but I do not know when that will be. For now, I must not complain in this wilderness, God knows my heart, my journey, my emotions (he created me). He knows my dark days, my good days and everything in between, and he is constantly providing for Kevin and I Just enough “manna” each day during this season in our life.
I know many of you who read this, feel as though you too are walking in a wilderness, have hope, God will prevail, and He will never leave you there by yourself. But when he does show the path to freedom, we must MUST walk towards it, we must obey, because I don’t know about you, but for Kevin and I we don’t want to die in this wilderness!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream
As I sit here in front of the computer I can’t help but think about how my writing has slowed a bit. I think about this a lot; you would think that it would be flip around that I would write more now than the past, but for whatever reason God allowed it to be easy to write then than now. It is harder to write now….
What do you continue to write about? My journey is pretty much the same; the loss, the wait, the anticipation, the emotion, the healing. I know that each day brings a different healing, a different emotion, and different outlook, but the reality is still the same.
It has been so hard, and I would be lying if I told you otherwise. This past pregnancy, Judah, has knocked my breath right out of me; I am still not standing and find myself on most days just trying to catch my breath. Honestly I don’t expect it to be any different. I did not think that this journey would be easy, from the moment I heard “molar pregnancy” I knew that this moment in my life was going to be hard and it is. But I am walking it.
I have lost friendships, “we” have lost friendships, we have changed, we have slowly faded away from so many things we were involved in, we have found ourselves finding comfort in arms we never expected to find comfort, we have grown, changed and become different yet in so many ways we are still the same.
We have climbed the mountain hand in hand, we have let people go but have grabbed a hold of hands that understand and want to walk up this mountain with us. We have grasped the hand of Christ and not let go even on the darkest and hardest days we have held on to his hand.
We have left fakeness at the door and walked through living our lives in front of others as real as it gets, we have been criticized and laughed at, we have been talked about and advised and then in the end we have been left.
Through it all, there have been moments of fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream. That was what was sent to our table unexpectedly, given with the gift of dinner paid for. How can this be in a time of darkness? Some people really get being led by the spirit, really know what it means to be sensitive and allow God to bless us thru their amazing gift of generosity. How cool and amazing is our AWESOME God, who revealed himself tonight through fried bananas and a scoop of ice-cream! (Thanks, you know who you are! Enjoy the grinder!!!)
What do you continue to write about? My journey is pretty much the same; the loss, the wait, the anticipation, the emotion, the healing. I know that each day brings a different healing, a different emotion, and different outlook, but the reality is still the same.
It has been so hard, and I would be lying if I told you otherwise. This past pregnancy, Judah, has knocked my breath right out of me; I am still not standing and find myself on most days just trying to catch my breath. Honestly I don’t expect it to be any different. I did not think that this journey would be easy, from the moment I heard “molar pregnancy” I knew that this moment in my life was going to be hard and it is. But I am walking it.
I have lost friendships, “we” have lost friendships, we have changed, we have slowly faded away from so many things we were involved in, we have found ourselves finding comfort in arms we never expected to find comfort, we have grown, changed and become different yet in so many ways we are still the same.
We have climbed the mountain hand in hand, we have let people go but have grabbed a hold of hands that understand and want to walk up this mountain with us. We have grasped the hand of Christ and not let go even on the darkest and hardest days we have held on to his hand.
We have left fakeness at the door and walked through living our lives in front of others as real as it gets, we have been criticized and laughed at, we have been talked about and advised and then in the end we have been left.
Through it all, there have been moments of fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream. That was what was sent to our table unexpectedly, given with the gift of dinner paid for. How can this be in a time of darkness? Some people really get being led by the spirit, really know what it means to be sensitive and allow God to bless us thru their amazing gift of generosity. How cool and amazing is our AWESOME God, who revealed himself tonight through fried bananas and a scoop of ice-cream! (Thanks, you know who you are! Enjoy the grinder!!!)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Today is HIS day
I don't have much to say when it comes to politics, but a close friend of mine posted this on her website and I just had to post it on mine because it spoke so much to my heart today!
I hope these thoughts from John Piper resonate in your heart as it did in mine! "I will always pursue HIS Kingdom first!"
Don't forget to pause my music before playing this....
I hope these thoughts from John Piper resonate in your heart as it did in mine! "I will always pursue HIS Kingdom first!"
Don't forget to pause my music before playing this....
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday Afternoon
I spent this afternoon taking some photos for my family! It was a joy and is always healing to be with my family. God is good to always allow moments where I can have peace in my spirit, I take a hold of it and try not to let that moment go! Let me know if you want me to capture moments for your family!!
Check out Moments Framed and let me know what you think! I love the feedback!
Check out Moments Framed and let me know what you think! I love the feedback!
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