Growing so BIG

It is 10:30pm, I usually do Ty's dream feed around now but have decided to push it to 11 since he did not eat as well earlier, I am hoping he will be more hungry. We are still trying to figure this little man out. He is so cute, smiles all the time, cues, giggles, screams, and is so so close to rolling over onto his belly! He does not like to be alone, likes to be moved around a lot and loves for you to talk to him! Even when he cries he will light up if you just start talking to him! He is still NOT sleeping through the night, I have given it up, tried everything and decided this is just extra time God is giving me to be with him, so I am okay with it!

Jaden is the light of a room. He will steal your heart with his big blue eyes. He is hard to get to smile at first but then he is all smiles and giggles and is pure entertainment! He constantly amazes me and when I think he can’t win my heart any more, he does! He is my content baby, goes with the flow hardly cries or fusses and is laid back! He is also my entertainment for Ty, who is fascinated by him!

As I am learning and growing as a parent I realize how hard it is not to compare, especially because my boys are so close together and oh so different! I hate comparing, but I find I have done it quite a bit and have had to go to the Lord for forgiveness. I truly love them both but I can see where parents can struggle with favoritism if you are not constantly aware and cautious of it. I am trying to be as transparent as I can be with my feelings and emotions, knowing that through all of this God is still teaching me as His child, guiding me and showing me where and when to turn with these boys!

I love them both, I don’t love one more than the other, and although adoption is a word in our family it does not change the emotions or love I have toward my boys. We often say “Ty looks like….or does….like…..” But I have found that we do the same thing with Jaden, comparing him to the likes of Kevin and me. I think what we have found that is difficult is that Jaden is such an easy going kid, so Ty is a little bit more opinionated, so it is easy to always say…. “Jaden is such a good baby….Jaden is so amazing….Jaden is…..” I just don’t’ want Jaden to grow up hearing how much Ty is just like us, and I don’t want Ty growing up hearing how good Jaden is…and this is where parenting is hard!

All I know is that God has given me an abundance of love for these boys. Each one is a gift from God, chosen specifically for Kevin and me. I know that as a human in a sinful world I will make a mistake when raising my boys. I hate thinking about it, but that is reality. So I humbly go before the Lord, seeking his direction on how to love these boys for who THEY are, I know that each one will require different love at different times, but regardless I never ever want either of them to feel that the other receives more love. I hope that through their lives I can convey just how much each of them is loved for who they are!

It is always a lesson, and I have only been on this parenting journey for 8 months. I can’t imagine when I look back, 8 years, 18 years, 28 years and so on….all the lessons I will have learned and all the love I will still have. I rest in know that God’s love is so much greater then my love, and where I fail He never fails, where I lack, HE never lacks, where I struggle, HE never struggles!!! What a comfort to know I have Him their guiding me each step of the way!

An update at a glance…
Ty is almost the same size of Jaden wearing six/nine month clothes!!
Ty is almost rolling over
Ty will start solids at the end of this month, earlier then Jaden but because he is ALWAYS hungry!
Jaden is not crawling but can just about get anywhere he wants
Jaden has two teeth coming in!!!
Jaden loves his walker and can get anywhere he wants in the house!
Liesl will be joining us for Jaden’s first birthday, what a reunion that will be for all of us, marking a wonderful year for all!

And my blogging gals,
I am sorry I don’t comment nearly as much as I should, I follow your blogs, your transplants, pregnancies, adoptions, losses, IVF cycle, and waiting! I pray, cry out to God and am constantly thinking of you! Lots of love to each you!!!

Ahh The Sleepless Nights!

This morning Jaden and I are hanging out a bit, Kevin is an amazing husband and gave me the night off to sleep last night, so this morning Jaden and I (ok mostly I) laid down Tyler and then Kev went off to rest for at least a hour!'

So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!

Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.

Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.

The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”

Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.

This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!

In Awe of What God Can DO...

I am in awe of God can do….We have been having one of those years…when I think God could not bless us anymore then He already has He shows up once again and I am left awe-struck…

I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”

When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.

Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!

The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).

I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…

Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”

Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….

Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…

I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…

I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…

Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…

Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…

Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…


I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.

Wanted You All to KNOW

That as of Febuary 10th, 2010 Jaden's adoption was finilized!!!

We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!

I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!

I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!

I am praying for you girls who are:
Pregnant
Waiting
Triggering
Adopting
Pausing
And Healing....

Love to you all my girls!

This is Wonderful

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my blog!

20 min...

I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.

Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.

Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).

I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.

I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.

Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.

I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.

Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!

And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today we got a phone call....

A year ago today we learned of a young 17 year old girl pregnant....

A year ago today that young girl became my sweet girl...

A year ago today I fell in love with a little baby growing withing her...

A year ago today I was waiting, hoping, praying...

A year ago today I became a mother and did not know it....

A year ago today our lives changed....

Hard to believe how far our God has brought us in a year...

A Quick Minute

I have only but a minute before Ty wakes up from his morning nap and Jaden is ready for his morning nap! I wanted to let you all know how we were doing and the decisions we have made regarding Sweet Jaden's head.

After lots of sleepless nights for Kevin and not due to Ty waking up, Kevin and I made the decision that Charlotte was the best choice for our family. After Jaden's last appointment we wanted to make sure that there was not another way we could go about fixing Jaden's head. There are many different types of helmets and prices. However, Kevin did his homework and it was obvious that even though it was more expensive Charlotte was the best option. Once we made the decision we began praying for the financial help!

God is so faithful- a constant in my journey; I am not sure why I struggle with trust when God has proven himself faithful in every situation, even our darkest ones! Anyway Kevin started filing our taxes and with the money we are getting back we will be able to pay for Jaden's helmet! What a blessing that we don't have to borrow more money from family, God is good!

We are praying that Jaden will only need one helmet and that it will be a short process (two to four months...). I can't thank you enough for all the prayers and support. We are at peace with decision, I am just not looking forward to the trips to Charlotte once a week but you know maybe I will get the chance to see my amazing family that lives down there!!

Bump in The Journey

Monday was big day for Jaden. Sweet Jaden loves to lay his head on the left side- he has done this since he was born. I never really thought anything of it until I noticed the left side of his head was starting to flatten. We mentioned it to the pediatrician who at the time did not think it was anything to be concerned about. However the last couple of months we have noticed it more, and we started noticing that he never really looked the other way. So we mentioned it again and this time he sent us to a physical therapist to see if there was an issue with his neck...and there is! He was most likely positioned a certain way in the womb that caused the right side of his neck to tighten up making it hard to turn that direction, and now that his head is flat on the left side, it has become his favorite way to look.

So they sent us to Charlotte to Cranial Technology, a place that specialized in helping restructure the head. I was praying that Jaden head would be mild, but after a series of pictures and an exam he is considered "severe" meaning his flattened spot is now affecting the alignment of his face. You would not (or maybe you would...) notice to look at him straight on, but from certain angles you can really see there is a problem.

God has blessed us with two beautiful boys, and they are my miracles and my gifts. I am thankful for each of them and as a mother my heart broke yesterday as I realized my "perfect" gift needed a little helmet to help his little (in my eyes perfect) head. You can visit Cranialtech.com to see what Jaden will have to wear for a few (maybe more) months. After meeting with the therapist and driving two hours back home I think the reality started to hit us. This is really not a big deal and could be something so much worse but I hate that sweet little Jaden even has to go through all of this. He will now have weekly appointments with the physical therapist and weekly appointments for his helmet, which is located conveniently in Charlotte...a 2 hr. drive each week for a 5 month old.

I don't ever want to complain, but even with our amazing insurance we are looking at paying $1900 dollars, and that is for just one helmet, they think because Jaden is considered severe he will need another one and that one will be $2500, this is all after our wonderful and amazing adoption but that left us $18,000 in debt. I don't post these numbers to make you feel bad for us, but I have always been so honest on this blog and I am not about to stop. I know God will provide but I tend to look at our bank account and wonder just where the money going to come from....but I know God is a provider, He WILL provide!

You know after walking the journey of infertility I think there is a part of you that thinks wants you achieve the goal of parenthood that things should be a little easier because of the difficulty in getting there. This is such wrong thinking and I KNOW that, it is a constant battle against the flesh. I don't deserve a breath, I don't deserve life, but the Lord grants everyday to me- and after all He has done why would I start doubting His provision now? I have to believe that because things are tough right now that we are doing exactly what God has called us to do because satan is hating us and throwing anything he can our way. But we WILL prevail, not because of anything I am doing but because of everything HE is doing!

I have posted this saying from our Pastor many times in the past, especially when I was going through such dark days, I post it again because it is what I am holding onto...
"Where praise is the presence of the Lord is, and where the presence of the Lord is satan CANNOT DWELL...” So in the midst of yet another storm, we will praise, because we already know God has it all taken care of and also because (another great quote from my Pastor)”God will not attend your pity party, not even if you give him a hat!"

Jaden and Ty

Click here to view these pictures larger

Comment if you would like the password....

Realizing Reality

As I sit here Jaden is watching Baby Praise and Ty is swinging in his swing, Kevin is watching football and I am catching my breath before the next feeding/nap time. Reality that I have two babies hits me everyday- it is more then I could have ever dreamed or imagined and I am content and in love with both my boys but I am also extremely overwhelmed...I have two babies.

For so long they were a dream- something I never could tangibly feel or truly believe. Then they slowly became reality- first with sweet Jaden's adoption and then Ty's birth. And now I am living it, my life has changed and will never agian be the same, and I am trying to learn this new part of my life and I am finding that I am not going to be able to do it alone.

The expectations I had before they were here have drastically changed. I was hoping to breast feed Tyler, however today is day 10 and my milk has yet to show up. I have been open handed about it from the beginning but I did not realize just how much I would care. After many nights of a crying baby and a crying momma I let it go and submitted to the bottle. Although it will be more expensive the stress of breast feeding was not worth it for my family. We need as much peace as we can get and I have to believe that God was in the midst of these decisions.

Tyler is an amazing baby- but so very different then Jaden- which he should be. I think because Jaden is all I have known for the last four months I expected Tyler to be like Jaden, he is nothing like Jaden and so I have to learn Ty, his cries, his grunts, his own unique ways!

I had the expectation that I would jump into this parenting two babies with both feet, I would dive in and have no trouble at all...however I am realizing that I am wading, sticking in my toes and then pulling them out quickly- realizing it is going to take me sometime and so I am going to need more help then I realized. I am so blessed to have an amazing family, my mom dedicating so much of her time to me and the rest of my family stepping in so that she can be available to help me. I could just cry because I am not sure what I would do without her...mom thank you...!

I know that God designed Kevin and I for this journey, I know that God chose these little ones just for us and I know that we will do everything we can to raise these boys to be Godly men but I also am realizing that we will not be doing this on our own. It really will take a village to help and I am learning to open handed with my boys even this early!

I give all praise to my God, to my King for how far He has brought us, with the miracles He has brought into our lives, I am nothing without Him and I am open to how He will write our story! It is a new story and journey and I am excited about all the twist and turns that I know lie ahead. My life is a simple life magnified only by the King!

Tyler James

Sorry this is so late- however this just shows you how my life is now!!! Wanted you all to know that Tyler arrived Thursday healthy and perftect! Weighing in at a wonderful 10lbs 2oz and 20 inches long! He is amazing and I am doing well and loving my full home!

Thanks for all the prayers and support! If you want more pictures please comment or email me and I will make sure you get the address!!!

Quick Update!!!

What an amazing Christmas we had this year. Despite the flood we woke up to Christmas morning in our basement and then the power going out, we really did enjoy each other. It was such a joy having Jaden and even though he could not understand what was going on we enjoyed our first Christmas together as a growing family. We reminisced a lot about past Christmases and where and how far God has brought us. I can’t even believe that God has blessed our family not once but twice and all within a year- we really serve such a big God who does big things!

I will be going to the hospital Thursday morning to have Tyler by C-section. They did an ultrasound at 37 weeks and he was already weighing in at 8 1/2lbs!!!!! BIG BOY!!! So the next week after they checked me and I was still not laboring at all they decided to discuss a C-section with me. We decided to go ahead and schedule a date and if he was to come before then well we would be ready….he seems to be cozy though! This last appointment they were a little concerned about my swelling, spiked weight gain and rising blood pressure so they put me on bed rest until Thursday. I will go in on Thursday and they will start the c-section at 11:30am. We are so excited and so ready~!

Jaden continues to amaze me and I struggle some with the thought of being away from him for two days. My amazing mom will be helping me in such big ways including taking Jaden for two days while I am at the hospital. I am a little anxious about the days to come as I know the recovery from a c-section will not be easy. I will not be able to lift Jaden for two weeks, so I can’t be left a lone. My mom will be a huge help but I also know she is torn between two places as she also cares from my 93 year old Nana. I constantly have to rely on God throughout this journey and know He is in control and all of this is a blessing!

I will try and post an update once Tyler is here but I have a feeling that the blog will be taking a backseat in the months to come. We are still updating Jaden’s website with pictures and if you would like the password and website please just let me know!

A Heart That is Full

As I sit here I am struggling to find the words to describe the week we had with Liesl and Tyler. It was refreshing, emotional, intense, fun and everything in between. Seeing Liesl see Jaden for the first time was overwhelming I think for us all, it has only been three months but he has changed so much and it was so emotional for Liesl.

We all enjoyed one another and as the week progressed things became easier. Liesl is so good and really does only want to love Jaden, she does not try to parent and was very respectful of our routine with Jaden. I think in some ways it was so hard for Liesl to be back around Jaden because it reminded her of how much she misses him. I know that the healing will continue and as time goes on it will become easier for Liesl, but right now the grief is still so raw.

Adopting is such an overwhelming journey I think for any family, it is so beautiful yet as an adoptive mom you do sometime grieve that you did not give birth to the child that you love as if you did give birth. I think open adoption is an even more overwhelming journey because you are not the only one loving this little one. Liesl truly loves Jaden, how could she not? I had to sometimes fight the insecurity of wanting to be the only important women in his life while she was here. Liesl and I are very open and were able to talk about this some. I am his mom, that never ever will change but as I have said before God did not choose to place Jaden within my womb as much as I wish he did. And for Liesl this is not how she pictured life with her first born would be.

As the week went on I became more and more proud of Liesl, she did the best thing for Jaden, giving him everything she could not give him. God is such a sovereign God and I am constantly amazed at his love for his children. He is not only calling out to sweet Jaden even now at a young age but he is chasing and calling out for Liesl’s heart and I look forward to seeing what he has in store for her!

In other news: I try not to post much about my pregnancy, however this is part of my journey and I don’t want to look back and regret not recording and journaling more. Pregnancy is interesting for me, Kevin and I talk about this a lot. To get pregnant was a journey as you all know, and then experiencing the losses left me broken and wondering if I could even have a normal pregnancy. God is so faithful and I would have and still would be so content and blessed with Jaden. I still cannot believe that God gave me the desires of my heart through both adoption and conceiving. I feel so blessed! This pregnancy has not been easy, but every time I want to complain I think about all my sisters who are so longing to be pregnant, and instead of complaining I say a prayer for you women.

To say this pregnancy has been easy would be a lie though- it has really been a challenge for me even from the start, just weird things like when my uterus would not pop, being so sick, having contractions so early and then Tyler being breeched. Each time I find myself wrapped in fear that I am going to lose Tyler that I am not going to see this pregnancy to completion. I am starting to realize (now at 36 weeks...yes I am a little slow) that satan was trying to rob me of my joy this whole pregnancy, trying to steal the enjoyment because he knows that Tyler is the palm of Gods hand, and this pregnancy is destined not by man but by God!

Yesterday I had my first of weekly appointments. Tyler has flipped, I am 50% effaced and ½ centimeters dilated, which is really nothing. For the first time I am so calm and relaxed. I would love for Tyler to come soon but that is only because I am so anxious to meet him, really and truly I am fine going another 4 weeks if it means he will be healthy and perfect. I know God already has his birthday written in the book of life and I am in no hurry to rush things. I am a little uncomfortable and Kevin likes to make fun of the way I get up or roll over in bed (earthquake style), my legs have started swelling and I find it hard to eat but other than that I am enjoying my last few weeks of this pregnancy. Kevin is always pointing out too that we don’t know if I will ever be pregnant again so to “really enjoy” right now!

For the first time in almost three years Kevin and I are also really enjoying the Christmas season, in years past we were trying and not sure if I would conceive or facing an unfilled due date. Judah’s due date would have been Dec. 27th and Eddies would have been January 25th. So Christmas seasons in the past were a source of grief. Although I still have moments of grief and missing my babies, this year God has fulfilled so many of the promises He has spoken over our life. I feel so full of joy and overcome with all that God is doing. This Christmas really means a lot to me, especially being pregnant and thinking of sweet Mary’s life and her pregnancy with Christ our King (which will be another post).

So as I write this post my heart is full, my home is a home of praise and my life is an open book as God continues to write our adventurous journey.

Is She Really Coming?

I find this question so interesting. My Sweet Girl, Liesl - Jaden's birth mom will be joining us along with her brother for Thanksgiving. When people learn of this I am amazed at the shocked reaction that I get, however, I do realize that if I was standing on the other side I would most likely give the same reaction. The shocked reaction is usually followed by "are you nervous?" If I answer "no" I am lying. My flesh, of course is a bit nervous, for Liesl, for Jaden and for me as a first time mom.


I relive the day Jaden was born…. I can remember hovering over Sweet Girl as she pushed life into this world. I will never forget the look on Liesl's face when they held up her son for the first time, with tears flowing down her face all she could say was "he is beautiful..." and he was. I remember falling into our amazing nurse - Beth's - arms and whispering to her, "pray for her, please pray for her..." I remember following Jaden over to the bed and watching them wrap this sweet bundle up- I whispered a sweet welcome to him and then watch as the placed Jaden into Liesl's arms- I stepped back watching a moment of such intense love I thought I would melt. Liesl gazing upon Jaden with awe and disbelief that she brought this little one into the world and she had chose life for him.


I knew at that moment that nothing could separate the bond between a mother and a child- I don't care who you are. God had chosen to place life inside this young girl. This is where the impact of infertility still rears its ugly head- the question of "why?" But I cannot question God, I know His ways are not our ways and I rest in his goodness. For our journey I see what a gift our little Jaden is in Liesl's life- in a way he in return is offering her life. Sweet Girl is choosing to make better choices so that she can make Jaden proud of her. Jaden will always be proud of her because Kevin and I will always remind him of the amazing choice she made not only in having him but giving him to us. I am so very proud of Liesl.


My flesh may struggle some with the thought of another women in Jaden's life, as a mother you want to be the most important, the only one, but that is not what God has asked of my life as a mother. God has asked me to become a first time mom through adoption, and I am honored that he has chosen Kevin and I to raise Jaden. I am so thankful I am submissive to the Holy Spirit, for when he overtakes I am overcome with Joy that Jaden has sweet Liesl in his life.


You will hear us call Liesl and Tyler (her brother) our family. This could not be any truer if my mom and dad were their mom and dad. I cannot explain the love we have for them; I cannot explain the bond that has formed. We are not "acting" as a family, or just "saying" we are a family, in our eyes and I KNOW God's eyes we are family. Liesl is really coming for Thanksgiving and I am beyond excited because I know when it is a God story, as this one is, then it is going to be an AMAZING week with them because it is nothing of us and everything of HIM.

A letter to Myself

Dear Waiting Mother,

How my heart longs to speak to yours, to encourage you, to speak words of life, patience and endurance. I can remember the waiting days; they are only but a moment in the past. Their ache, grief and questioning still leave their marks on my heart. Yet as I sit here now I sit with a heart full of joy.

As I am living out my miracle I can’t help but think of you, remember you and carry you with me. I can’t help but think about what I would say to you as you endure your wait, as you see one more negative pregnancy test, as you learn you are losing a baby. I can’t help but want to encourage you, to speak to your aching heart and let you know that your joy is just around the corner, and that the wait- well the wait is worth it and the journey- the journey is what makes the joy that much sweeter!

I know sweet Waiting Mother that it is hard to see beyond the tears that fill your eyes and the grief that fills your heart; I know how hard it is to see beyond the hundredth negative pregnancy test and the not so good report from your doctor. I know your heart hurts every time you hear of one more friend, relative or coworker who is pregnant. I know you try so hard not to question God, but in the quietness of your heart you find yourself questioning God. I understand the sleepless nights, the endless frustration and the hurt that comes from comments of people who just don’t get it. I just want you to know that in the end, it is all worth it.

There will come a point where you look back over your journey and you will be at peace with every step, every tear, and every loss. You will still grieve, it will still hurt, and the scar will remain but the joy you will have will heal in a way that is beyond comprehension. I just want you to know that the journey will be worth it, I can promise you that your joy will come in the morning and although there seems to be no end to the darkness in sight, it will end.

So hang in there, cast that net one more time and watch as God fills it with unexpected joy that will be beyond anything you could ever ask, imagine, or dream of.

Love,
You on the other Side!

A Reminder to be Reckless

I am learning so much not only as a mother but also about God and His character, His love, His desires. Adoption has been a beautiful experience for our family, I can't imagine life without Jaden and I can't imagine the journey being any more amazing then it already is and has been. With that said I don't think anyone could have prepared my heart for the emotions that come along with adoption.

The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.

Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.

Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!

Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.

To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.

So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.

It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!

An Update!

So I have been getting some grief about my lack of blogging. It is not because I don't have the time; Jaden is such a good baby right on schedule and is giving me lots of rest not only at night but during the day as well! It is because I am so uncomfortable at 30 weeks pregnant, I try sitting at the computer or even on Kev's laptop and find myself unable to write or think because of my aching back. I AM NOT complaining, I am just saying that my computer time is very brief now, just long enough to catch up on all of you and then lay down!

Jaden is such a joy; I am amazed at how quickly he has grown and how quickly time is passing. We are nearing the end of October and Thanksgiving seems right around the corner. Liesl and Tyler will join us and my whole family for Thanksgiving this year. I know that when Liesl gets here the first couple of days will be an emotional roller coaster for her seeing Jaden for the first time. I really have no expectations, I know that it will be good but I also know it may be difficult. I am excited to have Liesl and Tyler with us and know that our family time will go quickly and will feel too short.

I can’t believe I have just about 10 weeks to go; to say I am not overwhelmed would be a lie… God has been so good and has given me the best baby in the world. I know that no matter what type of baby Ty will be he will be amazing but some days I can’t imagine adding another new born into our family. I can remember feeling this way about Jaden too, I could not imagine really what it would be like when he finally arrived and honestly it feels as though he has been a part of our lives forever. Kevin and I are both enjoying this part of our marriage and journey and look forward to the next step with Ty.

Kevin is staying busy with work, got over the flu just fine and none of us got sick. My last OB appointment was great, I am doing well and my contractions have really slowed down. The leaves are really keeping Kevin busy this year because I am unable to help him. He is such a good husband and father and has taken on so many things that I am unable to do.
Just added new pics to our family album, please don’t hesitate to ask for that password or address!

But here are a few to wet your appetite and a few of ALL our LEAVES!

Do You Trust Me?

Walking the path of infertility and loss took a lot of trust in God. There were so many days, and so many moments when someone or God himself would ask me "Do you trust Me?"

You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”

As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”

As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”

When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”

Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”

With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….
　
　
　

Learning

Being a first time parent is an amazing learning experience. I am in so many ways blessed that I am the last of most my friends and family to have a child because I learned from all of them. However watching someone else parent is completely different then parenting yourself, this has been eye opening for both Kevin and I.

It is so much fun watching Kevin as a father, and even more fun to watch him amazed at how much formula and diapers we go through. Before we had Jaden and before we knew we would be having two babies so close in age Kevin and I discussed using cloth diapers, now I think he realizes just how convenient diapers really are, yet, how expensive they are too!

One thing I have not written about much is my pregnancy. I am now 26 weeks and the last few dr. visits I have had they have warned me of pre-term labor. I am not in pre-term labor however I am having strong Braxton hicks, and with a new born am not getting the rest I would be getting if I was just six months pregnant. It is a unique situation to be six months pregnant and have a 5 week old; I have yet to find a book on how to accomplish both....

And so God has been teaching me so much about sacrificing. I am having to sacrifice so much of what I thought life would be like with Jaden, since I am having to also take care of sweet Ty. I am having to sacrifice my wants and expectations in order to rest and maintain a healthy environment for Ty. But isn't this exactly what parenting is really about, sacrifice? Didn't Christ our Father pay the ultimate sacrifice for his children and are we not to walk in the same ways?

It is a constant lesson, you would think I would have learned it on my journey into parenting, yet here I am learning it in the midst of parenting. I am thankful for the lesson and know that I have many more to learn!

My Heart

This will be my third time of rewriting this post. I have even posted it, you may have caught it, and then pulled it off because I knew I was still not writing was really in my heart. I am still struggling to find the words to describe why it has been so hard to blog this journey so far.

The blog I posted this past week was called "Stepping Down." In it I describe that I was being asked to step down from the platform in the IF community, I realize now that I am not really stepping down, I will always have a voice when it comes to waiting and loss, however my journey has now taken me into parenting, and this I feel is my new platform. I also talked about how I wish I could so desperately take you girls who have been my closest friends in my waiting and darkness with me, however I now realize that you are walking it with me, cheering me along and setting aside the ache in your own heart to find joy for me.

5 weeks ago I was still waiting for my miracle. Even though we knew sweet Jaden was on his way I was still dealing with doubt and fear because all I have known is loss, so I in a way I was expecting loss. When the miracle of Jaden was born, and I held him in my arms and realized he was my son my world changed. Everything I ever knew slowly disappeared and took on a new shade. My wait, my loss, they all looked different in the eyes of a girl who was holding what she had been waiting for.

When I sit down to write out my emotions they get stuck in my heart because I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for others. I can remember my closest friends struggling to tell me they were pregnant, I remember the joy for their miracle but the pain of loss and sorrow that entered my heart at the same time. I know when those of you who are still waiting for your miracle read about my journey into parenting, it will cause sorrow, and everything in me wishes so badly I was not the one causing this pain. So it has been easier for me just to not write or say anything about the joy I am experiencing, because I don’t want to cause you pain.

I am amazed by each of you, your support and love overwhelms me. I also remember all the times I had to push aside the ache inside my own heart to embrace someone else’s miracle, and I have to say I don’t regret ever doing that.

My journey has changed, and it is not fair to anyone for me to write about loss and waiting but not turn around and write about my joy and the gaining of a son.

On August 14th, Jaden Daniel was born. My heart melted the moment I saw him. My knees buckled and the nurse had to catch me, a part of me I never knew blossomed and bloomed and I became a mother.

To say I am in love with this little one is understatement. I never knew I could have a love like the love I am experiencing for Jaden, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I look into his eyes, when I him hear cry, when I see him sleeping my heart explodes and I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. I would have waited a life time for sweet Jaden and I will never understand Gods favor on Kevin and I.

Thank you for being apart of this journey, for supporting me, for walking along side of me even in the midst of your sorrow and ache, you will never ever know how much it has meant to me. Please know I never mean to be insensitive in my writings, but it is time that I step up on a new platform that God has given to me- parenting! I am excited that my writings will change from waiting to having, from loss to gain, from sorrow to joy. We serve a good God!

Looking Back Embracing the Change

As you can see I have been working on my blog...change....seems to be the theme of my life right now, so much has changed. This journey has taken me on a ride that neither Kevin nor I could have imagined, dreamed up, or written. This journey really has been a God ordained, God written, God established, and God completed journey. As I stop and think about it I realize that this is still just the beginning of such a huge picture and story that God is writing.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!

I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.

I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:

Turning the Corner

This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.

On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.

After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.

Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.

We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!

Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!

Doing Well....

We are all doing so well, hard to believe sweet little Jaden is 5 days old. We are still in Colorado waiting for paperwork to be filed that gives us permission to leave. Hopefully in the next few days I will really be able to sit down and give you all updates. For now just know we are in love with this little boy! Continue to pray for Liesl, she is amazing but this time of transition is not easy.

We will not be posting pictures on my blog, because it is so public. We will set up a photo album, if you would like the password please email me silvertanner@gmail.com. Hopefully we will have that set up in the next day or so.

thanks for all the prayers, please keep the coming, we are ready to be home with this little one!!!

Friday August 14th, 2009

Jaden Daniel was born!!!! Weighing 6lbs 10oz and 20 inches long! He has a full head of dark hair! He is amazing and is the best baby, we are so in love!

Unable to update now. Please continue to pray for Liesl and this time of transition, she is doing amazing and is a strong young women.

HIS Journey!

As I sit here today I can't believe that I have already been in Colorado for almost a week. In some ways it feels so short and in other ways it feels like I have been here for weeks. The hardest part of being out here has been to be without Kevin. God is sustaining me in ways I could have never imagined, but it is really hard not having your husband here as your emotional support.

Liesl is amazing, our journey is amazing and God is constantly amazing us. It seems to be a theme. God is showing himself to Liesl in ways I am even astonished by. He is calling out to her and her family wanting to love her right where she is at. We are staying busy, laughing a lot and having lots of heart to heart conversations. We have stopped telling people we are “like” sisters and have moved right in to being “sisters.”

Yesterday was such an eventful and unexpected day. My routine has been to get up early and spend some time alone and with God, allowing him to fill my heart with his love and strength. After a couple of hours Liesl and I always meet up for the rest of our day and yesterday was no different, except God showed up in such huge ways. Before yesterday “C” (Jaden’s birth father) would not sign papers, he was totally against signing anything. Liesl and I decided to call our agency and make a meeting together to talk through some of the things that are to come and when Liesl placed the call she never expected to here that Beth Woods (agency councilor) was on her way to meet with C and his mom to get papers signed. We were shocked and anxious. I immediately sent out a prayer request to my family to PRAY PRAY PRAY, an hour later we got the phone call… C SIGNED!

We were both overwhelmed and excited, God is so faithful and this has been His journey and story from the beginning. Liesl and I have talked a lot about the days to come, the emotions that will follow and the doubts we are having. She is confident in the decision she is making, but giving up a child is the hardest thing any girl or women could ever do. I lost my children not by choice, Liesl is CHOOSING to give her son the BEST life she can, and I am truly amazed by her.

I ask that you would be in prayer as the day gets closer; I know emotions will run strong and I know we cannot truly prepare ourselves for what is to come. Please pray especially for Liesl and her family as they walk this journey. God is faithful and will continue to be faithful!

Liesl had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, she is 4cm dilated and fully effaced! They are expecting any day but if she does not come by Wednesday of next week they will talk inducing, which means Jaden will be with us in less than two weeks!!!

I am Here

“I am here…” This seems to be the phrase I have been using a lot. I arrived at Liesl's and LeAnn's (Liesl's mom) house yesterday. We hung out for awhile and I showed her all of Jaden’s things, it was fun to look at all the outfits and talk about his arrival, still so surreal. We then packed up and went to dinner with Tyler. We had a good time and are really bonding as a family, talking through everything that is to come in the days ahead. I will not have internet access all the time so my updates might be random.

I am doing well, getting nervous and am anxious about his arrival. I still don’t think I will rest easy until this little one is in my arms and we are heading towards the Blue Ridge Mountains. I am overcome with emotion for what I know Liesl is going to experience and am in deep prayer for her constantly.

I am thankful for God’s sovereignty and rest in it by the minute. I know God is faithful and I know I can’t rest in my expectations or wants but I can rest in the love He has for me and this family.

Thanks for all the prayers we need them!

Emotions in Colorado

Well I am here! It is a strange feeling to wake up in Colorado, but it was an even stranger feeling realizing I was coming to Colorado to pick up my son. I don't know if the true emotions of what I am doing here have truly set in.

I did sleep the best I have slept in weeks last night, Kevin said he slept well last night too and I think it is because we are at such a peace with me being here. The goodbye at the airport was a teary one as we could not say..."see you in a couple of days," we left not knowing how the rest of August will play out.

I am staying at Kevin's parents house until Monday, then I will head to see Liesl and stay at her house with her for the remainder of the time (please pray sooner the later). I am trying to relax and enjoy the last few days before I am mom, but it is so hard to do, I am so ready to meet, love and cherish Jaden!

I will update as I can and we appreciate all your prayers, we need them!

We are Getting Close

Liesl called me Wednesday night she is over 3 cm dilated, and although she could sit at that for three weeks we are defiantly in the “on the go” mode! After a lot of prayer we decided I will head out there Saturday and spend the remainder of my time with her and her family. This way no one will be stressed that I will not be there, including Kevin and I.

I am not looking forward to being away from Kev for what could be three weeks; I know in my heart that this is the best decision for everyone. I also know that the extra time with Liesl will only deepen our relationship and prepare her for the loss she is about to experience. I am hoping we can both be open about some of fears and expectations.

I will try to keep everyone as informed as I can, but prayer is needed above all right now! Looking forward to announcing the birth of Jaden in the coming days!!!

Today in the Face of a Year

As I awoke this morning I was feeling very emotional about many things. As I rolled over and peered out our big glass windows I could tell it was a rainy day, and for whatever reason I love rainy days and so I smiled. I laid there with my puppies giving me their morning wakeup snuggles and started thinking about where I was a year ago today. I could not remember but I do know that after losing Judah I updated my blog almost every day. I thought maybe I had posted something a year ago today and was anxious to see.

As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?

As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.

Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.

I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!

Praise, Prayer and Updates

Of course there is so much going on, but I don't ever want this blog to become about everything pregnancy or adopting, I am still trying to find the balance so please be patient with me. I do however want to give everyone updates to let them know how things are going!

I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!

Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.

It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.

As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!

47 days!

Well the nursery is almost done, and baby Jaden will join the world in 47 days unless he decides to come early, which is what I think will happen. We are so overwhelmed and amazed by our God’s blessings in our lives. When I walk into the nursery it often times brings tears to my eyes, it has been a long and difficult journey and I can't believe that the nursery is not someone else’s, but it is my vision and dream, it is ours and the feeling is indescribable. If you are up to and want to see you can click on Jaden's Room and view it, but please don’t feel like you have to.

Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.

Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.

My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!

So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!

Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!

Oh My Great Suprise!!!

What a week it has been!!! I have been able to have some amazing time with my dearest friend Jamie before the babies come (that is still so hard for me to write out because it does not seem real...). We have enjoyed endless conversations, laughter, tears, fireworks and all!

This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.

On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!

As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.

We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!

New Paths....

To be quite honest I am not sure how to start this letter, or where to begin. As I search my heart for words I come up empty and am praying that God will give me the words that are embedded deep into my heart. As I am sitting at the desk I have the song “As my Savior Leads Me” by Chris Tomlin playing on repeat because I feel like it describes our journey. The words are:

All the way my Savior leads me

Who have I to ask beside

How could I doubt His tender mercy

Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me

Cheers each winding path I tread

Gives me grace for every trial

Feeds me with the living Bread

[Chorus:]You lead me and keep me from falling

You carry me close to Your heart

And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow meAll the way my Savior leads me

O, the fullness of His love

O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood

And when my spirit clothed immortal

Wings its flight to realms of day

This my song through endless ages

Jesus led me all the way

Jesus led me all the way

All the way my Savior leads me

All the way my Savior leads me

God has wrapped Kevin and I into his loving wings and carried us through some of our greatest trials, we look back and although the tears still come as we long for the babies we have lost we know we would walk it all over again if it meant that God would gain all the glory, and He has!

As I sit here and write you, my sweet and loving husband is in the back bedroom which we now call Jaden’s room, he is preparing it for his son that will be arriving in less than ten weeks! Jaden is our first blessing, he is already loved, already wanted, already desired, dreamed about and cherished, and Jaden is and will always be our first BORN! 5 months later, we will give birth to his brother or sister, our second blessing. Even to write that out now I am amazed by what God is giving us! I am 12 weeks pregnant with a second blessing that is already loved, wanted and cherished! We are amazed at what God is doing in our lives and find ourselves often times speechless to describe all that God is giving us!

I have been praying about this post, when and how to write it, the above portion of what I have written is actually part of a letter that we are sending out to our family to announce our news. I have struggled to find the appropriate words to share the exciting news but to also be sensitive to those who read my blog who I know hearts are being torn in two with this news. There is the joy that comes from knowing that someone is receiving their miracle, joy that brings hope, joy that is deep down inside….but what seems to take over in many cases is sorrow, sorrow as you remember the babies you have lost, sorrow of not knowing when, how or if you will receive your miracle, sorrow as you watch one more of those you follow cross over onto the other side.

I get it, and I hate that I am the one causing you this pain. Please know that if you are in this group, which many of you are, that I understand, and however you feel, whatever you need to do, however many tears fall…it is okay.

I have been so absent in blogging lately because once again my blog is about to take on new colors and different shades, my blog is my friend, it has been with me on this journey and as much debate as I have done I have decided that I will continue to post on this blog just as honestly as I have in the past, each turn in the journey brings new path, and this is the new path.

With that said, I understand now if following or reading is too difficult and once again I remind you that it is okay…your allowed to feel that way, I too have felt that way.

Please know that in the midst of my honest writing and updating there will be level of sensitivity as I so remember the pain and ache you are feeling, and although I may be “crossing over” as so many of you have put it, I can never leave completely after the journey God has asked Kevin and I to walk, it does not define who I am but it describes why I am the way I am.

Just know that in the midst of the journey, I have cried out for each of you, thought and prayed over you and knowing that this news will affect many of you, I can only pray that God will wrap you each into his loving wings and carry you through those difficult times and moments.

All The Way Our Savior Leads

What an amazing 3 days we had with Liesl and her brother Tyler!!! God is so faithful and I still cannot believe that our son Jaden will be born in less than 10 weeks. To try and describe how amazing the trip was is difficult for me, I am not sure there are words to describe just how much I love this little boy and how much we already love Liesl. God is expanding our family in ways I never ever imagined! Our God is so faithful!!!! Our Savior is always leading us, wether it is through suffering or through joy, He is always present!

Just a Small Glimpse

1 Cleaned out Office

1 trip to Lowes

2 Skimmed coated walls

6 loads of laundry

3,0000 trips up and down the stairs

3 rearanged rooms

11 potted plants

Preparing for Jaden.....Priceless!!!

One Year...

Sweet Judah,
Today I believe in my heart you are turning one in heaven, with angel kisses and a big birthday feast. I know that your life is being celebrated with those who I love so dearly and who I know tell you wonderful stories of who your mommy and daddy are.

You are missed everyday, not just today. You were our second pregnancy and a joy everyday I got to have you. Your life was short but made an everlasting imprint on our hearts. We will forever love you and miss you, but we celbrate who you are!

Happy birthday sweet boy!

Two Years Ago Today

Two years ago I said hello and goodbye to my first son

Two years ago a piece of me flew to heaven on angels wings

Two years ago I crossed over the line of wanting to gaining

Two years ago I walked into motherhood

Two years ago I learned what grief was and watched as my heart broke

Two years ago I opened the palms of my hands allowing God to take everything

Two years ago I realized my journey into motherhood was going to be difficult terrain

Two year ago I named my first son after my dad, Eddie they will forever share birthdays

Two years ago I had no Idea I would be expecting my third, Jaden Daniel Tanner through adoption

Two years ago is behind, the future lies ahead and I embrace it with open arms

Happy Birthday my sweet little Eddie, you are celebrating your 2nd birthday today, we love you, miss you and carry you with us everyday!

Meeting Stacey

What an amazing God given night!!! Stacey and her husband Chuck were in Tenn. for a vacation. On Thursday they made the drive to NC to visit with Kevin and I. We had so much fun downtown Asheville! Kevin and I pretended we knew what we were doing showing them around however somehow ended up in an alley, parking garage, stairwell and eventually back to the first place we saw to eat! They were so patient with us and we enjoyed a nice evening of sharing and encouraging.

It was an amazing adventure to meet Stacey, and telling our story even baffled us. The fact that we met through blogging is such an unexpected gift to my heart. We are kindred spirits and meeting up only confirmed our already blooming friendship!

God is so amazing to allow something as blogging to be such a connection with others, Stacey's friendship means the world to me and you would never have guessed we had just met that night. It was sad to see them go but I know that they will be forever friends in the years to come!

Thanks Stace for coming all this way, you are a blessing and I love you!

New Terrain

My mind has been all over the place lately. Between Mothers Day, the anniversary of Eddie and then Judah, Kevin and me celebrating 5 years soon and of course the overwhelming amount of paper work we have been issued I have defiantly been on overload!

A lot of people thought I should be celebrating Mothers Day this year, but it is so very hard to do. I know that in three months we are going to be holding our son (which still amazes me to say, and you should check out how great I look for being six months pregnant….j/k) but I don’t know that Mothers Day will be easy to celebrate, especially since this is my third Mothers Day when we are “expecting.” Kevin and I ended up staying home on Sunday and being together, enjoying each other and of course we did one of our favorite things, we went for a hike! It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant with Judah, and two years ago I was pregnant with Eddie. I am beyond excited about all that God is doing, but honestly I still deal with fear daily, having to take those thought captive and not let them rob me of my joy.

Jaden has brought such joy to Kevin and I, we were talking about him yesterday and how Kevin hopes he is born a little early so he will not miss his first Broncos game, yes we already have him a Broncos outfit to wear and Kevin can’t wait to have a buddy to watch the games with! I am constantly amazed at the family God is bringing to us; we truly love Liesl and are so excited to have her part of ours and sweet Jaden’s life. God is an amazing God.

In the evenings this is what you will find Kevin doing:

Because we are working with two agencies and two states we have a LOT of paper work and fees to pay for. We are at peace that God is in control, He knows our finances and we know He will provide, but our flesh wants desperately to know how and when…. Until then if you come to my house you will see a house that is full of paper work, we have a month to get this all completed and then our next steps will be home studies and preparing for little Jaden! Thanks for your prayers and interest in our journey, this is defiantly new terrain for us!