walk in the park

So with the ectopic pregnancy, Eddie, it was all a shock and a rush into emergency surgery. With Judah (which is how I am going to be referring to this pregnancy) it has been a shock and then a waiting game. We have four days of waiting, where I am still throwing up, still feeling very pregnant am constantly reminded that I am not carrying a baby. A hard concept to grasp at times. What do we do with these four days? We have stayed in a lot, huddle down and just enjoyed each other and our dogs. We venture out occasionally and I somehow expect the world to know that mine has stopped, but of course that is not what happens. Rather you still see smiling face, laughing children, working people, because life just goes on. But even Kevin and I are still living. We drove over to the park with the dogs and played in the creek, we laughed and giggled and smiled, how can that be in such tragedy? My only explanation is the unexplained joy that comes from the father. I am realizing that Eddie was my wake up but Judah,...Well Judah is saving me. God is revealing more to me now in this fire then I have ever imagined. And I am open, my heart is ready and wanting to hear from the father. I want to know his voice and I am not sure how much I know it, but I beginning to really listen.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.

Happy Birthday Eddie Boy

Eddie-
You are our first little one, I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant with you and joy filled my heart. From the moment I found out I was in love with you. I would sit and dream about what you would look like and what we would name you. I only got to experience you growing within me for 17 short days, they were precious and heart wrenching as we felt deep within that God was going to take you to be with him. You were ten weeks old, had little hands with ten little fingers and little feet with ten little toes, you had a beautiful heart beat and the Doctors say you were an active baby growing big because you made my levels rise so high. You have influenced our lives making us appreciate every moment God gives us. You were and still are a gift that no one can ever take away, you are precious to Kevin and I and we love you now and will love you every day until we get to see you in heaven. You made me a mother and for that I am forever grateful. Happy birthday little one!

Where have the months gone?

I remember eating a Popsicle and sitting on a box of my belongings and looking at my empty house filled with cardboard boxes and a big moving truck outside. I was sweaty and hot from packing up and making sure that everything had found its way into one of the many boxes and nothing was left behind, besides the stray sock behind the dryer that I decided we did not need. It was a sad day seeing our house empty and it was even sadder pulling out of the driveway for the last time. As we drove down Glade park drive I thought about all the memories we had made in a short 12 months. It does not take long for people to find their way into my home, memory and heart.

I can't believe I left Colorado in the heat of summer, with school letting out and Mexico missions trip on the way and seeing Amazing race finished up. I can't believe that I watched the mountains of North Carolina change into the most vibrant colors, watched the leaves fall and then raking them up until I felt as though every leaf in North Carolina had found its way into my yard. Now as I look out my window I can see far beyond what use to be blocked by numerous beautiful leaves and can see my breath as I enter out for my daily walk with my dogs. As I see the snow fall I can't help but wonder to myself where did the months and time go?

If I look back to the person who was sitting on the boxes eating a Popsicle and now look at the person who is sitting at her computer writing this, I am once again amazed at the changes God has done within my soul. I am deeper in love with him, astounded by his grace and overwhelmed by his love for me. I am overtaken by the amount of change I am experiencing with each changing season in my own life. I am being reminded through the changing of seasons in life how I always want to be changing in my walk with the Lord. Everyday is a new day, everyday I want to experience something new about my creator. I don't ever want to be in the same place stagnate in my life not experiencing all that God truly is, but I also realize that change comes with a cost. Just like the green leaves on a tree, their change in color their vibrant look, their amazing beauty comes at a cost of death, they must die in order to see the true beauty that lies within. Am I willing to die to everything I am in order to see the true change that only the Lord can bring? The answer, yes. I don't want to be chained to death, but to see the beauty that dieing to oneself really brings....New life, new heartbeat, new beauty!

Where has Beth Been?

I have gotten this question in so many different forms and from so many different people. The question is actually not that easy to answer. Yes of course I could give the normal response of "around" or "oh you know here or there." I could also give an actual location such as "Uh...North Carolina" or "In my new house at my new desk with my new computer..." But to be truly honest no one is asking the question with those answers in mind. So I have decided to tell you where Beth has really been. It is not easy to vulnerable, or honest, you are never quite sure of the outcome or the response of the party who is hearing the truth. I feel as though in life right now, being honest may help some of you really understand "Where Beth has been."

As many of you know and as some of you might not know, I have been challenged beyond words or comprehension the last year. God has been stretching me, breaking me and refining me through so many events in my life. Zi my dog getting bit by the rattle snake, moving to NC, my husband starting a new job, leaving many friends in CO, selling our house, buying a new house, staying at my parents house, and sending my husband to Korea have just been minor things. The most impacting thing in my life that many of you do not know about was loosing my baby. You might be reading this and thinking to yourself that I never had a baby, but I was never ready to talk about it until now.

Two weeks before Kevin excepted his job in NC I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. You can imagine Kevin and mine excitement and surprise as we took in a new move and the hope and dream of a new little Tanner. I was more then excited, and sick as some of you remember....
When I went in for my first ultrasound they could not find my baby, they were concerned and thought that I had miscarried my first little baby. The next morning they called informing me that I was still pregnant and that I needed to wait a week. This is probably the time that I fell off the face of the earth. I was put on bed rest, I was scared, confused and sad and trying to embrace my growing baby everyday. A week later I found myself in the emergency room about to go under for surgery, my baby was in my fallopian tube and if they did not remove the baby we would both die. On may 31, 2007 at 5:00am the Lord took home mine and Kevin's first little one. Even now it is hard to talk about.

You know what I am learning through all of this? That it is okay to be angry, upset, mad, and emotional with God. He knows your heart anyway why not tell him and that is exactly what I am trying to do. During these tough days I have not been the Beth you know, I don't even know myself at this moment in time. It is an accomplishment if I get out of bed in the morning and put two feet in front of the other, and to believe that God really does work out everything for his Glory!

Many of you call and email which I cannot even tell you how much I love and appreciate. But I need you to know I am not talking to many people right now. I can't explain it and I am not sure how long I will be this way. I turn my phone off a lot because it make me anxious...I know crazy. But remember I am just trying to be as honest as I can and I need you all to know about this! I do not want any of you thinking that I am ignoring you or not wanting to talk. I love you all and miss everyone!
Thanks for the prayers and support!