Looking Back

I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.

As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.

As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.

I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.

As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.

He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.

This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!

Psalm 86:15-17

"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Celebrating Sorrow

Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.

It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.

As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.

As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.

We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!

And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!

If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!

I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!

Merry Christmas from the Tanners

Unwritten Christmas Cards...

I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.

For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.

I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.

As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.

It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.

So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!

Six Months...

I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.

Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.

As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.

As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!

Coming Out on the Other Side

Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.

God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.

We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!

Riding Out the Storm

Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.

We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!

Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!

Giving Thanks with Empty Arms

I am amazed that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; I am amazed that all the leaves have fallen and that the cold of winter is upon us, I am amazed that months have passed, minutes have come and gone, and soon we will be welcoming in a new year.

I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.

The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.

So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.

So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!

Psalm 121: 1-8

We are doing well, and had such a relaxing weekend! I can’t express to you how good my God is to allow Kevin and me a trip like this. When I spoke to my mentor a few weeks back she asked me when and if Kevin and I had had the opportunity to go on a vacation, of course with the economy the way it is we felt as though staying put was the best decision, I have been praying for a vacation and time away alone with Kevin since we lost Judah- and although Kevin is having to work, we had the whole weekend just the two of us, God is so good.

I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.

Psalm 121 1-8
I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

6 The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever

It is interesting because this particular Psalm was written about the pilgrim’s journey ascending Jerusalem- a journey, a path, a distance, the ups downs and everything in between, I love this and I love even more what Beth Moore says about it…

“He (the traveler) looks at the hills in the distance, wondering and probably even fearing what might be on the other side. He anticipates the long, arduous journey ahead and, like all of us, wishes he could arrive in the blink of an eye rather than feel the effects of life on the road.” Beth Moore-

You could put my name in there, and I am sure whoever is reading this feels as though you could put your name in there, anyone in this economy feels as though they could put their name in there! These are uncertain times, not only in my life as walking the path of wanting a child, but in the path of everything it seems. I look ahead and all I see are looming mountains, I look behind and all I see are the mountains I have already come from, and I often times think, Lord can I make this? And the reply is steady, consistent, loving and patient; the reply is always “YES!” And he whispers into each of our ears,

“I will not let you stumble, I will never sleep, I will watch over you, stand beside you and be your shade, I will keep ALL harm from you and I will watch over your life, there is no place you can go that I will not watch, both now and FOREVER!” -God

And with that is there anything more we need? Anything more we can fear? Anything more we need to know? Today that is what I hold onto, Today and forever more!

Here a few pics

Here is where we are staying, and the dogs enjoying the vacation. First day is going great!!!

Boys enjoying their stay!

Bedroom

I believe this kitchen is better then our kitchen at home!

Bored so I moved furniture around, the boys liked that they could see out the window now!

This is just a cute picture of Kev with the dogs!

Unexpected Vacation (well for me...)

What a surprise! Kevin called a couple weeks back and asked If I wanted to join him on a business trip to Indiana, and then head up to Michigan to spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents. I was super excited about the idea, and so we waited to see if it would really happen. Kevin called Monday and asked if I would be willing to pack up and leave Wednesday, and I was! Since this is a business trip they rented us a car and will pay for a hotel and food, so off we set for an eight hour drive and a two week semi vacation!

We will be here in Plainfield Indiana for a week, where I will spend all my days in the hotel with the dogs (yea we got to bring the dogs!!), without a car and nothing to do, which is exactly vacation to me! I plan on getting a lot of reading done and sleeping in. God is so good to give us this surprise trip, and to be able to come with Kevin on a business trip is such an unexpected blessing. I will miss him during the day but it is so nice that we have our evenings together.

I will miss my family at Thanksgiving, and am sorry Kevin and I will not be there, but I am so blessed to be able to spend it with his Grandparents, of both sides. We are also anxious to see Grandpa since he just went through another round of surgery to try and locate the cancer. He is doing well, and we are really looking forward to more time with them

Easier to Breath

Today has been a peaceful day. It is chilly out but was not too cold for me to go for a walk at the nearby park. I have missed my daily walks with my dogs. When I found out I was pregnant with Judah I would go and walk every day, since losing Judah it was harder for me to find the strength to get out. I do feel the strength and healing that God is performing in and through my life.

I am enjoying a cup of hot tea and there is not a cloud in the blue sky. Days like these I feel so close to the Lord, his presence warming my soul and heart and letting me know things are okay. I am thankful for his everlasting love and patience with me, giving me the time to heal and never leaving my side. Today it is easier to breath, each breath full of healing and peace. I am so thankful for these days, God is so good!

Embracing the Season

The cold weather has made its presence known. Almost all of our leaves have fallen, and the holidays are nibbling at our toes, making people anxious to start the Season. As for me, I am not looking forward to the hallmark holiday, the Christmas trees, lights, decorations as I normally do. I am looking forward to meditating on Christ and celebrating a miracle that saved me. I am especially fond of the sweet story of Mary this year, as she lived out my hopes and dreams, unexpectedly. December is fast approaching, the end of our six month wait, and the due date of our little boy feels as though it is right around the corner.

I can’t be sure how I will handle this Christmas season, last Christmas season was just as hard as our due date was January. Seems it has put a new perspective on celebrating for Kevin and me, as we celebrate with great heaviness upon our shoulders. Each holiday commercial reminding us that we have no children to shop for, no great surprises for our little one, no picking out the toy you know they so desperately want. We don’t have children to curl up with in front of the tree and tell stories; I am not able to hug my belly in anticipation of meeting my second one, this is not the reality in which we live in this season of our lives.

We do have Christ to hold onto, Christ to find joy in, and Christ to provide strength for the tough days ahead, where everything seems to enhance family and children. We will embrace this holiday season, but probably a bit differently than those across the street or down the road, our house will be filled with joy and sorrow, as celebrate Christ’s birth and the loss of our child.

Walking in the Wilderness

I visited a church yesterday with my good friend Daniel. Kevin and I both enjoyed our experience there but still at the end of the day feel as though we do not really belong anywhere in this season of our life. The pastor spoke about wilderness, how there is a forced wilderness of your own doing, or a wilderness where God takes you away so that He can reveal certain things to just you. The obvious is true, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, and we are lonely, and we are searching for the way. We do not feel as though this is a choice we have made, but we do know that we have always given our lives away to God to do as He sees fit. So at the end of the day, I feel as though God must have something very unique and special for only our ears, eyes, and heart for he has lead us to the wilderness and we are not asked to leave just yet.

I spent sometime this morning reading a couple of passages in Exodus about Moses and the Israelites. There are so many things that struck my heart. My mom is always reminding me of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians’ on their heels and God’s amazing protection and provision. Sometimes we feel as though we are standing right next to the Red Sea just waiting for it to break so that we can get out of harm’s way, the anticipation and doubt always nearby making its presence known.

As I continued to read about their experience in the wilderness I was once again moved in my spirit by a few distinct things. Those Israelites were grumblers. God was very aware that he had walked them to the wilderness, he was aware of the journey they were on, He was aware of their emotions and their hearts. They come through a huge victory of the red Sea, they sing and dance, and not even a day later they are complaining once again. Exodus 16:2 “IF only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and at all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Oh man I would love to get my hands on those stupid people. But just has I type this, and even say this I can hear the sweet whisper of the Lord…

“Uh Beth my dear, you do the same thing….”

My first instinct is to say “No Not ME” but I know do. God has brought me out of so many things. Even in this journey, I could have died with Eddie, I was hemorrhaging as I walked into that hospital, my stomach was already full of blood, God could have called me home, but HE didn’t. But I have been known to say “It would have been better if God had just let me die then…” I am not any better than those Egyptians. As I continued reading on, I continued to see them complain, and God would answer their cries, over and over and over, and they would continue their complaining.

Yes, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, not by choice but by God’s hand and direction. I do look forward to one day stepping foot into that river of freedom, but I do not know when that will be. For now, I must not complain in this wilderness, God knows my heart, my journey, my emotions (he created me). He knows my dark days, my good days and everything in between, and he is constantly providing for Kevin and I Just enough “manna” each day during this season in our life.

I know many of you who read this, feel as though you too are walking in a wilderness, have hope, God will prevail, and He will never leave you there by yourself. But when he does show the path to freedom, we must MUST walk towards it, we must obey, because I don’t know about you, but for Kevin and I we don’t want to die in this wilderness!

Fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream

As I sit here in front of the computer I can’t help but think about how my writing has slowed a bit. I think about this a lot; you would think that it would be flip around that I would write more now than the past, but for whatever reason God allowed it to be easy to write then than now. It is harder to write now….

What do you continue to write about? My journey is pretty much the same; the loss, the wait, the anticipation, the emotion, the healing. I know that each day brings a different healing, a different emotion, and different outlook, but the reality is still the same.

It has been so hard, and I would be lying if I told you otherwise. This past pregnancy, Judah, has knocked my breath right out of me; I am still not standing and find myself on most days just trying to catch my breath. Honestly I don’t expect it to be any different. I did not think that this journey would be easy, from the moment I heard “molar pregnancy” I knew that this moment in my life was going to be hard and it is. But I am walking it.

I have lost friendships, “we” have lost friendships, we have changed, we have slowly faded away from so many things we were involved in, we have found ourselves finding comfort in arms we never expected to find comfort, we have grown, changed and become different yet in so many ways we are still the same.

We have climbed the mountain hand in hand, we have let people go but have grabbed a hold of hands that understand and want to walk up this mountain with us. We have grasped the hand of Christ and not let go even on the darkest and hardest days we have held on to his hand.
We have left fakeness at the door and walked through living our lives in front of others as real as it gets, we have been criticized and laughed at, we have been talked about and advised and then in the end we have been left.

Through it all, there have been moments of fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream. That was what was sent to our table unexpectedly, given with the gift of dinner paid for. How can this be in a time of darkness? Some people really get being led by the spirit, really know what it means to be sensitive and allow God to bless us thru their amazing gift of generosity. How cool and amazing is our AWESOME God, who revealed himself tonight through fried bananas and a scoop of ice-cream! (Thanks, you know who you are! Enjoy the grinder!!!)

Today is HIS day

I don't have much to say when it comes to politics, but a close friend of mine posted this on her website and I just had to post it on mine because it spoke so much to my heart today!
I hope these thoughts from John Piper resonate in your heart as it did in mine! "I will always pursue HIS Kingdom first!"

Don't forget to pause my music before playing this....

Sunday Afternoon

I spent this afternoon taking some photos for my family! It was a joy and is always healing to be with my family. God is good to always allow moments where I can have peace in my spirit, I take a hold of it and try not to let that moment go! Let me know if you want me to capture moments for your family!!

Check out Moments Framed and let me know what you think! I love the feedback!

Our Life...

You know the phrase "when it rains it pours?" Well this has been our phrase for the last couple of years. Now please don't get me wrong, Kevin and I are so blessed and have received many blessings over the years. It just seems that lately it has been a storm. I could talk about how I went to go vote today, not feeling that great anyway, stood in line only to find out that my registration did not go through at the DMV, so I had to stand in another line to get registered, and then stand in another line to wait and vote. Finally MY turn, who do they place right next to me?? A first time mother with her 3 week old baby, so now I am not only sniffling because of a runny nose or because of the president candidates, but because every time I look down there is a scrawny little baby just begging me to grab it and take it home. Needless to say much of my ballet was left blank. OR I could blog about my wreck, how now every time I open the car door of my dear friend it yells at me that I have damaged it, it is also is head turner and you have to open it quick and fast.....OR I could blog about how I asked Kevin to take his shop-vac down to the basement (just a side note we are using the shop-vac because our vacuumed decided it life span was up....) and as he walking downstairs the shop-vac decided to lose its lid therefore allowing all of it dusty and dirty insides to sprawl all over our steps, tennis shoes, and tile! I promise that even as I right this I do have a smile on my face, and when the shop-vac fell, I did laugh…a little.
Here a few pics...

Could it Be?

It snowed yesterday! The first beautiful snow of the season. If you know anything about me then you know my favorite seasons are fall and winter. I love carving pumpkins, drinking pumpkin spice coffee, blowing leaves (until moving in this house where we have 31 trees in our front yard, we just blow the leaves into our neighbors yard....j/k Bill...), I love picking out a Christmas trees, seeing school cancelled because there was a dusting of snow, drinking hot chocolate, and lets not mention the cute outfits- more layers is better and that is the best way to cover up an imperfect body!

So...after my downer of a blog the other day, that I am sure caused many faces to drop and I am sure got responses of "oh my our poor Beth, she has fallen so far that now she is cussing....whatever will we do?" (PRAY) I decided that we needed a blog to let you know that even in the darkest moments His light is shining, pointing the way to freedom, and yesterday that was through the snow not the shit (ha ha, I just had too!).

Crawling Through.....

Warning this blog has some graphic words and scenes, Just being real here people!! Don't forget to pause my music if you choose to watch the video...

Let’s be real, stop beating around the bush, stop putting on an act, stop pretending to be something we are not. That is what I have tried to do on this journey; I have tried to be as real and honest as I can. I have tried to give you a clear picture of this journey as best as I can, to let you in on the toughest days, the ups and downs and the raw moments that can change a person forever.

I have no regrets about starting this blog, even though it has been criticized and even though people have bluntly told me the things I am doing wrong. I have been tempted to pull the blog, so tired of defending my journey and why I have written what I have written, I have been tempted to stop writing, and deal with this journey silently. But that is not what God has asked me to do; from the first day of finding out about Judah I have been honest and real in hopes that God would get the glory, even in the darkest moments, and I really believe he has.

I debated on writing this, but I really believe that this is what describes so much of how I feel sometimes. This past weekend with Jamie we watched Shawshank Redemption. It is a graphic movie (not a family movie) about a man, Andy, who was innocent but blamed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison (if you want to watch this movie and have not already most likely I will ruin the ending for you in this blog…just a warning). The prison was awful, and the inmates were beat pretty bad by the guards. My favorite scene of the movie is this: (warning: language and graphic and WILL ruin the ending…)





He had to crawl through 500 yards of shit to get to freedom, can you imagine what that river must have felt like? Washing him clean, embracing him and sending him to freedom?? It did not change the fact that he had to crawl through the shit, it did not change the reality of what he had to go through get to freedom, but can you just imagine what that freedom must of felt like?
I called Kevin after watching that, and said through tears, this is my life right now, we are crawling through shit, that is the reality, a molar pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy, fear of cancer, not being able to try, loosing a fallopian tube, the fear of not being able to conceive, there is no other word, it is pure and simple shitty….but the freedom that comes at the end, knowing the healing will wash you clean, sweep you away, oh man- that is worth it.

Sometimes in the moments that are the toughest I feel as though the tunnel will never end, sometimes I feel as though I will not make it another yard, but I do, I DO. I think as Christians we feel entitled to a life without the shit, nice and clean, pure and simple. Why? Because I am a Christian, Well if this is how you feel then let me tell you a little secret, the walk, the journey, dying to yourself, your wants your desires, suffering for His words, Those in the moment, it hurts, it sucks, it is painful- but the outcome, the real picture, the end- that is what I live for, the Glory for the Lord, but it does not mean that the journey will be easy, it will most likely be the toughest journey we will ever walk.

I know, that in the end, when I slide out of the tunnel and into the fresh water of the river, I will look back and say it was worth it, but that does not mean it will make it easier to live in the shit right now.

What a Trip

There is so much I could update you on, I think this might be the longest time I have ever stayed away from my computer. I could tell you about my drive up to PA, the roosters in the McDonalds parking lot, the cinnamon roll recipe that double out of the bread machine, Charlotte being one, my sweet conversations with Jamie, the photo shoot at Elizabeth’s grave (Jamie’s first daughter), the unbelievable conversation with my mentor Nancy, getting in a wreck on my way home on highway 81 (I am fine but my Honda accord is finally beat up…and I could have died…. I was able to steer my car to hit the guard rail and not one other car), my eight hour drive that took twelve, and then getting sick and throwing up through the night…what a trip.

In the midst of the bad drive home, I couldn’t help but think how faithful my God is, and although the drive was not the best, the time with Jamie and her family was priceless. Throughout the week I will try and sit down and really go through everything the Lord is teaching me. I first wanted to post a few pictures; I will be putting more on Moments Framed.

This is the dough for the rolls, still makes me laugh how much it made!

These are the roosters chillin in the parking lot- (I know not very interesting but I thought it was funny!!)

Update on Beth

Hello Everyone,
This is Kevin, and I just wanted to put some of your hearts at ease. I have had a few people ask me if Beth was alright since she hasn't posted anything for a while. Well, yes, Beth is doing very well, she went to go visit her friend this week, and will be back on Saturday.

Her friend is Amish so she does not have access to Internet... Ok, I'm actually joking about her friend being Amish, but Beth does not have access to a computer to update all of you. I am sure she will post when she gets back on Saturday or Sunday.

-Kevin

Lost in a Wave

A fresh wave of grief has washed over me, leaving me ragged and grasping for a breath. I am so amazed at how I am never fully prepared for the wave. I can see it in the distant, building and creating more momentum, everyday it seems closer, however still far away until all of the sudden I am entangled by its overwhelming power and relentless force.

I have tried fighting this wave, trying to get my head above the water to just grasp one breath that will give me strength to continue enduring it. However, the more I fight, the more I struggle, the more I get lost into the depth of the ocean of grief.

I am learning to not fight it, not explain it, but allowing it to overcome me, wrap me in its arms and when it is finish it will spit me out and wash me upon the shore of healing.

I am waiting to be washed up, for right now, in this moment I am lost in the wave of grief. I am not alone though, Christ is right here with me in this wave, holding my hand and waiting for me on the shore.

October 15th National Holiday for Infant Loss and Remembrance

As you read this my biggest request is that you would just stop for one moment, pause in remembrance for those who are walking this journey. That is all you can do, say a prayer of strength for us and remember our babies, which will mean the world to any of us who have been asked to walk this path.

I will light a candle tonight at 7pm along with many other women I am sure, and we will let the flames burn for the children we miss. I don’t remember my boys today any more then I remembered yesterday or I will remember tomorrow. I remember every day of every minute. I live to remember.

Today Kevin and I will not only remember our babies but remember those who are also grieving and missing their children. Our hearts are with you....we are grieving with you.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

We are Home

It was such a great trip and we are so happy God prompted our hearts to go! Grandpa is doing well however it does look more serious then we anticpated. Please continue to pray healing and strength over his body. Here is a couple of pictures!

Love of Family

Tonight my mind is mulling over family. I have been saying “that’s what family does” a lot, I find it is a common theme in my life right now. Family. It is a big word, with a lot of meaning, used in many different scenarios.

I decided to look up the definition for family just to see, and this is what I found;

Family: parents and their children, considered as a group,

Funny thing is when I read that, that is not at all what I think family as. I think of family is so many different ways but I don’t know that I would have ever describe it as that, it is so much more, and really not one of the twenty definitions listed did it justice. I know that some people who think of their “family” have bad thoughts, a bitter taste, and memories they chose not to think of. Others hear the word “family” and their faces light up as they walk down the road of good memories and warm thoughts.

Family: a group of people, learning, leaning, accepting, doing, achieving, watching, frustrating, growing, changing, supporting, challenging, loving, dying for.

Those are just a few words that go through my mind. I guess for me family goes so much deeper then parents and their children, ESPECIALLY when you have accept Christ as your father, and all your brothers and sisters that come along with that adoption!! And by the definition I listed above Kevin and I are not a family- we don’t have children in our home, so are we any less a family?

Even as I sit here and write I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this term, around these people, around even my thoughts. I feel as though if we lean on our flesh, relying on it to do what “family” should do, we will fail miserably. If we die to ourselves, our flesh, relying on nothing more then the spirit that is within each one of us, we will love as a family should love.

A family should love no matter what, when you are down they come down with you, when you are up, they are up with you. Family is there, doing, helping and being, not because they have to, not because it is what is expected of you, not because it is what you are told to do, but because the spirit with in you is begging you to let Him love through you.

Kevin and I are always encouraging one another to not love with our flesh, because our flesh is bitter, is angry, holds judgment and grudges, it is self centered and self focused. The Spirit, Christ living, breathing, and dwelling in each of us, knows exactly how to love the person you most dislikes, knows how to accept the person that you get most annoyed with, loves the person who has cut you deeper then any sword or knife could ever cut. Christ within us all knows how to love. Humans; me, you, we only love in our most convenient ways.

I know that when I am loving not with my flesh but with the Spirit, I am not even aware of the things I am doing, because it is nothing of me and all of Him…so any good, or decent thing you see in me, is not me- it is Him, because I am nothing without his Love!

Let the Healing begin with Grandpa!

We are laying in bed, just about to call it a night and we felt we would take a moment to update all of you on the progress of Grandpa!

He had surgery on Wednesday, which could have had many outcomes of severity. The Lord is so good and when the doctor met with us his exact words were "It could not have gone any better!"
Grandpa was back to himself hours later, ready to eat, drink, dance and work on Chemistry.

Grandpa and Grandma are amazing people, and we are so blessed to have them as our grandparents. We are praying that the cancer that has been removed comes back as low grade, we are praying he does not have to go through radiation. It does not look like the cancer has spread to any other areas and that it was caught in perfect time!

We cannot say enough how good our God is!!!

This trip has been amazing, now that Grandpa is home and is doing well we have really been able to enjoy their company and our time together. God has really blessed Kevin and I with an unexpected vacation together and we are really enjoying it!

Thanks for all the prayers, we really appreciate it!

We are in Michigan

It is amazing how days, moments, and seconds can change with a blink of an eye. Kevin had plane tickets, an elk license, and all the plans for his annual hunting trip, and I had canning jars, bagel recipes, and gifts ready for my trip to my best friend Jamie’s house. Yet neither of our hearts were convinced that these were the places we need to be.

When we heard that Kevin’s grandpa was going to be having surgery to remove some cancer our hearts were suddenly by their side in prayers, thoughts, tears and conversations. I was constantly asking Kevin who was going to sit with Grandma during the surgery. God in His infinite wisdom and wonder chose Kevin and me. I am humbled and am blessed to now be sitting in a waiting room with Kevin on my right and Grandma on my left.

We made the decision to come Monday night after much prayer and were on the plane by Tuesday. There is no doubt in either of our minds that this is where we need to be.

It is amazing the turn of events in life, would my heart be so willing to come if I was six months pregnant? I don’t know. I do know that God has a plan and even in the midst of our storms and tribulations we can sit with someone else during theirs. This is what we are supposed to do.

We are doing well; we will take all the prayers we can get for Grandpa and Grandma.

Happy Birthday My Kevin!!!!!!!!

Kevin, today we celebrate your life, your existence, your 26th year. It is overwhelming to me that God chose me to be in your life, and not only be in it, but share it. We have had an amazing journey so far. You have taken me across the country, we have bought two homes together, we have watched fireworks, walked the beach, explored islands, laughed until we cried, and became parents. We have had a lot of life in just four years together, and I get to spend the rest of my life with yours.

You are the greatest gift, the encourager, my rock and protector. You are everything I dreamed of and so many things I never knew I needed. You have brought happiness, joy, and love into my life, and are a true picture of Christ.

Our marriage is special, and from the moment I saw you water skiing in a superman costume I knew I was in love with you. My love has changed, deepened and grown for you. I don’t know what God has for us, but I know as long as I get to walk it with you it will be the greatest adventure, and something neither of us can imagine.

Our marriage truly is the greatest picture of Christ and his love and romance for us. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. We are truly blessed, and I know that you were created, designed and spoken into existence just for me! Our love is rare, and I don’t ever want to take advantage of our Sunday afternoons, hikes, arguments, laughter, dumpster diving, exploring life, journey together.

Happy birthday Kevin, I know sometimes it is hard to celebrate without our boys, but I know God is whispering in their ears about what a great and amazing dad they have, who loves to build with his hands, listen with his eyes, and live his life for his King! You are dad Kevin, and although we are not celebrating my growing belly on this birthday we do celebrate the lives of our children through living our lives. So we will live Kevin, we will live for Eddie and Judah, and we will live because God has chosen to give us life, and we will stand together in the greatest storms with our hands lifted high and our hearts living to praise our God.

I love you Kevin, and there are no words that I can write on a blog that will ever describe or do justice for that love, so I will do my hardest to show you how much I love you everyday of our life together!!!!
Happy 26th birthday!!!!!

This is my Journal

This is my journal. This is my reflections, my heart, my desires, wants, ups, downs and twists and turns. It is not edited, it is not a book, it is not for a particular person (although Kevin often says I capture his heart as well…) it is mine and with God’s amazing love, strength and provision I am able to allow you to read a few pages of it.

This is my voice right now for I am weak. Weak from grief, from healing, from walking the journey, from losing two children, from the mountain climbed, and the storm we have weathered, and the reality of the path God has asked us to walk. My voice is weak; I can’t scream or yell and sometimes even talk.

This is my journal. It is a gift from the Lord, a picture of His amazing and sufficient grace. This is the raw and bare moments of a broken heart and weakened soul. This is the good, the bad, and everything in between. It is a picture in time, a puzzle piece, a gift of watching someone stumble and fall and come out on the other side standing strong with hands lifted high.

This is a journal, about a girl’s struggles, about a husbands wants, about a wanted child, and a baby that is missed. It is about doubt, faith, praise and questions. It is about fear, happiness, blessings and the unknown. It is about what will come and what it is. It is about our love for one another and the love we share for Christ. This is my journal, allowing you a moment in time to read a few words, to get a glimpse and to know some of my moments.

This is my Journal; this is God’s voice, his words, his child, his journey.

Sweet Moments

I was able and got the prevelage of getting some pictures of my neices and nephews yesterday. It is such a joy to be with them and to love on them with my mothers heart. I realize that with each pregnancy I have had, my heart has changed more and more to a mothers heart. Longing and wanting to give this love to someone, I am able and blessed to poor it out on my sisters and brothers children.

The pictures are once again posted on Moments Framed. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them.

God is so good to put such amazing blessing in the midst of the storm, moments like these are what get me through the toughest of times. I am so blessed.

October

Today is change, today is new, today is a fresh month, and the beginning of a new season! Today is October 1st, this is my favorite time of year and I welcome this change with open arms.

It has been a couple of hard days as Kevin and I are in the process of making some tough decision about some things, and also trying to smooth over some misunderstanding of our hearts. We find that sometimes it is difficult to help people understand this journey, the steps, the pain and grief, and in the end we give so much energy trying to explain it that we end up not having enough energy to heal. Which is why sometimes we submit ourselves to the reality that some people will never understand and that is okay.

We are four months in from loosing Judah, 18 weeks, and just over a hundred days. I try not to live in the what ifs, but sometimes I allow myself a few moments when I dream of a growing belly, baby kicks, showers, nursery, names, and ultra sounds. And sometimes I even allow myself to dream it with a 8 month old baby crawling at my feet. But this is not my reality, my reality is far from those dreams and wants and desires.

I have been sad the last couple days, sad because of misunderstandings, sad because of where people want me to be and where I really am, sad because other then Kevin no one can truly know our pain except for Christ alone.

I am thankful that on my sad days God is not disappointed, not angry and not trying to change me, but rather on my sad days he is feeling it with me.

Moments Framed

I posted four new pics- check them out at Moments Framed and let me know what you think!!! Thanks G for letting me borrow your kids!!!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom!

Today is Sunday. If you have followed me in this journey then you know just how hard Sundays are for me, call it what you might; depression, fear, grief, anger or whatever you want to label it, I don’t care, all I know is that Sundays are hard days for me.

This one did not start any differently, it was hard, but I knew I needed to go, just as I knew I needed to go last week as well. If I feel that turning in my spirit and I know God will give me the strength I need to walk into those doors, all I have to do is…walk through those doors. I always take deep calming breaths before I enter into the church. I always prepare myself to make it through worship without losing it, to receive hugs without melting into that person arms, to sit through the teaching without having someone have to pick me up off the floor. I am constantly in preparation. Today was no different- at first.

I have a hard time allowing myself the freedom to let go, and I really believe that ever since Judah I had only let myself go once; 4 in the morning on the night we found out, deep despair had found its way into our home, and swept over us. That was then and I was afraid to go back to that. I have told Kevin on more than one occasion that I was scared to let go, if I did I might never return.

I think that maybe this was one of the many reasons church was so hard. When you are at church you are faced with emotion of worship when the Spirit so heavily falls into the room, you can do nothing to fight against the tears as he gently calls your name to Him. I had done well in the 5 Sundays that I had made it to church since Judah, I was able to stand there let tears fall but I still had control over every emotion I was feeling. I would not let myself go. Until today.
Today was breakthrough, and not because I forced it, and not because the “right” song was sung, and not because of what someone said or did not say, it was because today was God’s day. He unlocked the tears, the emotion, and all the things I tried so hard to keep at bay- he let them out and they flooded upon me like much needed rain.

Even now as I write, the emotion is still so overwhelming, you can’t have God unlock all those things and go back to the way things were. There is an automatic freedom that is given to you, and not because of anything I did, but because of God.

I am learning so much, one thing is so apparent in this journey- you cannot walk this right or wrong, you can’t disappoint God, and you can’t mess up what is His divine plan. God knew that today was coming; I did not know it was coming but it was not a surprise to God as I let things go. I could have tried to force something like this last week but it would not have been as beautifully transparent and rich as it was today. Today was his perfect time for breakthrough- it was exactly what He wanted.

I am finding so much freedom within in this journey, today God revealed the freedom to let go. It is not every day and sweet Kevin gets a firsthand view of the ups and downs and good and bad. But in the midst of it all there is freedom in the Lord, freedom to be and walk and grieve and even have breakthrough, because where the Spirit of the Lord is there is FREEDOM! And I can confidently say, I have the spirit of the Lord. The breakthrough was always there, he just released it today, and I responded!

Words from Above Spoken to my Broken Heart

I don’t care how you come to me, as long as you come. I don’t care if you crawl, stumble, limp, or run, I just want you to come. I don’t want you to have anything figured out, anything planned or anything prepared, I just want you to come, Just as you are, because as you are perfect in my eyes.

What you think is a mess, I see as beauty. What you feel is awful I see as perfect, what you see as broken I see as a chance to heal. You are exactly as I want you, exactly where I want you, exactly who I want you to be.

I designed you to be just as you are, I designed you to walk this journey, I designed you to be exactly who you are becoming! I designed you with every bump, mountain and valley in mind.

You can’t mess my plans up, you just have to move, and I will do the rest.

I don’t expect anything more then who you already are, because who you are is who I love, and I love you because you are my creation, why do you feel as though you need to change this? Why do you feel as though you should be walking this journey any differently? You are walking it exactly as I designed you to walk it.

I am with you ever turn and twist, every mountain high and valley low. Every hurtful word, or comment made I will take for you, and I will turn it around and whisper sweet words of love into your ears.

I am proud of you my child, proud of the scars on your feet from the rocks cutting you, proud of the scratches and cuts on your hands, and proud of the tear stained face, because it shows you are still walking still moving, still coming, and that is all I want. I just want you to come- I will do the rest!

I love you my child-

Fall is Here and so IS....

Thursday night. ..

Well I am sure that my butt print on the couch will come out eventually with some hitting, turning, banging, and fluffing!

I am not ashamed to say it; I will even put it in quotation marks to make it even more real … “Kevin and I watch A LOT of TV!” There it is out, and I am glad that we can all know that come Thursday nights (especially Thursday nights) you will most likely find us in our favorite spots watching our favorite shows.

Thank heavens for DVR, (yes, this is just how much TV we love) because of this wonderful invention (which if you ask Kevin I am sure he will tell you he invented it when he was 8, or maybe 6…) you can invite us out on a Thursday night, and we will enjoy ourselves with you because we are not controlled by what time NBC or ABC or CBS decides to show our Favorite shows, but rather we will record it and fast-forward through all the new (and can I say STUPID) commercials about High Fructose Corn Syrup, and how it is fine in moderation (but as they forget to mention, it is also not recognized by your body as anything, so it is stored as fat – DR OZ, says so, so it must be true!!)

So that is my posting for tonight, nothing spiritual, nothing over the top, just an honest post to let you guys in on another part of our journey…the part where Kevin and Beth watch a lot of TV!!!

Content in the Midst of Wanting

Being a wife never meant more to me then now. I have been thinking about this a lot, why I never appreciated it as much as I do now. I really believe that before we lost Judah I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I would go through the pregnancy test like it was candy; I would count my days, monitor myself and get upset every time the little plastic test yelled at my face that my dreams were not coming true that month.

When we found out that we were pregnant with Judah I was more than excited- I really think I believed that now that I was pregnant my life was going to began. That my hopes, dreams, and aspirations were being fulfilled just like I wanted it to. My obsessions, my need for a child, were being fulfilled and I was ready to really start my life. My prayers had been answered. Then the unbelievable happened, the nightmare, the thing you only read about in your books, or watch other people go through, the thing you fear, but never really think is going to happen to you. But It happened.

Now? Well now I am living, I am enjoying serving my husband, I am enjoying what may seem small tasks but they are not small to me. And I am loving it. Is it possible to be content in the midst of wanting something? I think that it is, because today for the first time in a long time, I am content, even though the longing and desire to one day hold a baby of my own in my arms is still present, still burning, but not quenching my thirst to live!

Thank You

I can't thank each of you for your amazing response to my last couple of writings. It has been so comforting and a huge blessing! Both Kevin and I have enjoyed all the emails and comments sent our way!

Thank you!

Being A Player

This part 2 of the preivious post I'm Inside, Outside, Upright Downright, a Mess of ... Thanks for coming along!

I know that many of you read my writing about the Lost Sheep, about being an “audience.” You are probably thinking to yourself, I don’t want to be in the audience but I don’t know how to help her, she won’t receive my help.

As I watched Football with Kevin yesterday I could not help but look at the huge audience watching the game, I would hear them cheer when the Broncos did something good, and boo when they were upset about a play. I looked on the field and saw a select group of men playing, a group sitting on the bench, the coach, assistant couch, the trainers, the people who squirt water in the mouths of the players, the diehard fans, the season fans, the fans of the other team, the camera crew, the people who held up a flag, and let’s not forget the cheerleaders!

In each of our lives we are in the game of our own journey, and each of us is in other games with other people’s journey. We have different roles for different people in our lives. In one friend’s life you might be the defense, playing right on the field, in another friends life you might be a cheerleader, there to do nothing more than cheer your teammate on bad or good! Or maybe you are just a diehard fan. Each of us has different roles in different lives.

What is most sad is when you are unhappy with the role God has asked you to play- you want to be something other then what he has called you. You want to be the coach, calling the play- rather the one squirting water in the mouth of the player. So you give up, mosey on back to your seat and just sit there, watching your friend slowly drift away. I am sorry that not everyone can be right in the “game” with me, but I need you to see that if you are willing to play no matter the role then you are an intricate detail, intricate part! I need prayers, cheering, understanding, freedom, space, cards, emails, flowers. I can’t tell how much it speaks to my heart when I receive and email like this…(This is from a dear friend who has never walked the path of loosing a child...)

I love your pictures on your new blog! Thank you for sharing; you
really do have a gift. I am sorry to hear that you're not sleeping
well. I will be praying that God will physically let you feel his
presence, wrapped in Jesus' arms, so you can have a peaceful night
sleep. I'm glad to hear that Kevin returned safely. We sure do miss
you guys.
I continue to pray that God bonds you through this journey, heals your broken hearts and reveals His precious will to your hearts and minds. Take care,
sweetie.

Sometimes I just need an encouragement, letting me know you are thinking and praying for me is the best healing ointment to my broken heart.

Have faith in my relationship with the Lord, in my journey, in Kevin. Know that Kevin is often times my voice, my ears, and my eyes, he is the greatest gift God could have ever given me. He often, and most times, read my emails before I even get them, this is the relationship we have with one another. If he calls you for me, it is my voice coming through (a bit deeper and sexier I think!), because we are one! How awesome is our God to create a relationship that mirrors his relationship with us!

Be encouraged by this blog, pray how God might ask you to play in my game, or in someone else’s game, and if you don’t know then ask me, I will most likely tell you I need lots of prayers and hugs, and I am not one to shy away from a gift or a good plate of cookies!!!!!

I'm Inside, Outside, Upright Downright, a Mess of a Beth ALL THE TIME!

The Blog is twofold, I will post the continuation to this one later tonight, but I did not want to overwhelm you with such a long blog!

I can see how those looking into my journey- reading my ups and downs would see many contradicting entries. I too, have spent many hours re-reading my entry’s and am amazed at how many ups and downs, lefts and rights, backwards and forwards, and turns that it has taken. But is that not life? One day you feel one thing and the next day you feel something different. I believe it is a part of grief; I am not sure because all I can go by is what I am going through, how I am feeling from moment to moment, right or wrong.

I do need to say that I write this blog, this journey, for me, to help me get some of my emotions out. It has been a gift for some of you, as many of you have captured my vision and my heart. It has brought new friendships, of those who have found my blog and related to what I have written. It has helped those of you who have a loved one who is going through something similar, and given you an insight on a broken, grief stricken, heart.

However, I know, that it has become a frustration to many of you, not knowing what to say, when to say or how to say something. I also understand that it has made some people feel as though they really “know” me through the blog, because I am so transparent and vulnerable when I write. I try not to hold back. I honestly have to say, one more time that more than anything my blog is really just for me, and for God, he has given me freedom to write. It is a small peek hole into the journey, but it will never ever give you a full view. It is just a puzzle piece.

I know that many of you want a full view, want to feel as though my blog, my writings, my sharing, has somehow given you the right to offer advice and tell me what things I am doing wrong or right. This has happened many times, not just once. I am not angry and I am not mad, but sometimes it is too much advice. I know you really care so if you really feel as though something needs to be said and you are truly losing sleep over my situation please feel free to contact KEVIN, or even send an email to MY MOM, they are in the mud with me and they know my heart, they can hear the advice and maybe even ease your heart a bit.

I know you want to hear from me, talk to me personally, but I am telling you honestly I am too weak to speak, to go over and over what it is that I am going through, that is why God has given me a select group of people who are walking the journey with me- and even they always recognizing that they are just “walking” it with, me, they are not the ones living it. Even Christ had his select 12, and if you read through His life, he was even closer to two of them!

Football and Change

There is nothing more refreshing then spending Sunday afternoon crashed on the couch watching a Broncos football game WITH Kevin.

Now I am not a born football fan, I would say I am an adopted football fan... Kevin has spent many moments teaching me how to really appreciate the game. I am constantly asking questions causing him to pause the game to address what it is I am asking, or (which is more common) the "pause answering response," this is where Kevin begins to address the question only pausing quite often to watch a play finish (just like right now I had to make sure "PLAY" was the correct term...it was!).

I am writing about this because my Sunday afternoons watching football is just one of the many things I never knew I enjoyed until I met Kevin. I am blessed with an amazing husband who can make anything that I think is not fun, become fun. I now look forward to the football season, knowing that there will be many of these Sunday afternoons awaiting my day. (How many wives can say that???!!!)

I also wanted to comment on the fact that today is the last day of summer, I am ready for this season to be behind me, it is time. I am ready for the cool air and the changing leaves, I am ready for the signs of the summer to die away, and for winter to take its place. I am not a big fan of summer but I think that it is because both of my boys were swept into heavens arms during this season. I will always welcome summer with open arms, as it will bring remembrance and healing, but for now I am ready for the changing season- I need it!

Hard to Recieve the Healing

I don’t want to be better. I know sounds strange, sounds weird, and sounds a bit irrational. Maybe it is.

I am realizing that I am healing, I am doing well, and I have come so far. Each moment, each breath, each day, brings new life, new meaning, new hope- and it is good… So good!

Healing brings letting go, and living, without a growing belly, without a baby, without a child to bring up. It is facing reality and being okay with what God has asked you to go through. It’s knowing you can’t change it, and even if asked if you wanted to change it, you would realize you don’t, that this is really God’s best.

Healing is good, it is refreshing, it is comforting, it is sometimes acting as though you are healed even when you don’ t always feel it, because you feel in your heart it is coming. Healing washes over you, it brings you to the shore of new realization and hope for the future. Healing is living.
I admit that as though I love the healing, sometimes I don’t want to accept it, I don’t want to embrace it, I don’t want to admit that I am “doing well.” I don’t want people to forget. I feel as though if I don’t live in the healing that is it is staying in remembrance of Judah. That if I am healed, that if I am well, that if I am living then it is forgetting.

However - healing is not forgetting, in fact it is remembering, it is appreciating the life God has given you and walking the journey in honor of your lost one. It is bringing Glory to God and allowing people to witness your healing.

So I admit, I am healing- I am doing well, and although I still have so far to go, I am realizing I have come so far, and that I can’t feel guilty about living, laughing, and hoping!

I have given myself freedom to grieve, and I will continue to give myself freedom to grieve, to have dark days, to rest in the moment of sorrow when it shows itself or overtakes me. Now I give myself freedom to live, to hope, to move forward. Never forgetting and never leaving behind- Just letting go to live!

Sleep

Sleep has been weighing on my mind and has become a frustration on many mornings and nights. I find it difficult to fall asleep on most nights before one in the morning, sometimes later than that. I read, toss and turn, try counting sheep and end up frustrated that I can’t seem to make my weary eyes and tired body cave into the sleep it so is longing for. It is the morning that is killing me, I can’t wake up. I hate waking up, I hate knowing it is time to get up, and I hate forcing my eyes open. I am exhausted in the morning and want in many ways to sleep the rest of the day away. But if I stay in bed past nine then I feel as though I am wasting the day and end up feeling lazy. So we are trying some new things.

First night- I attempted to go to bed with Kevin (which I normally do, I just read until 1am or so…) and tried falling asleep on my own. This did not prove to work, I still was up, tossing and turning and naming the sheep I was counting… Oscar..1…Toby…2…Cinderella..3…Mozzarella Ball…oh wait I am just hungry… Anyway that tactic did not work and in fact I was up later than normal cause I was stressed about getting up the next morning, which I was suppose to get up at 7:30 to go work out, instead I rolled out of the bed at 10:ish…

Next night- Maybe if I took one of my sleeping pills it would help me fall asleep sooner than later. Took the pill at 10pm fell asleep at 10:45- it worked and I hardly woke up!! Yay I found a solution…not quite, it made me so incredible sleepy that I was still unable to get of bed before nine. This morning it brought tears to my eyes, I want to so badly to be on some kind of schedule. I also notice that if I can just get up three days a week and make it to my spinning class it really seems to help me with the depression I know I am battling… but I can’t seem to get over the hump.

The bad sleeping pattern started the moment I was pregnant with Judah- I did not sleep well at all. Then when we found out about Judah and knew we would be losing the pregnancy the sleep got worse. When I was pregnant with Eddie and went into the emergency room someone told me that if I had not come in that night I might have fallen asleep and just never woken up, not something you want to tell someone who already deals with fear and worry. So when Judah happened and I had to wait the four days before surgery I would always think to myself… “What if I fall asleep tonight and I don’t wake up in the morning…” With all my body has been through the last year: two pregnancies, two surgeries, tons of medicine, lack of sleep, and grief, it is a wonder I am functioning the way I am.

And so it leads me to these questions…
Do I not want to get up because I really am exhausted?
Do I not want to get up because I am lazy?
Do I not want to get up because I don’t want to face the reality that is easy to escape when I sleep?
Do I need to push myself to get up?
Do I need to let my body continue to heal or does my body even need healing, or is this all mental or….?

OH I just don’t know, those are just a few of the questions I face every day, every minute, every moment. On top of all this my nurse called yesterday with what we were hoping good news, she thought I was done getting my blood taken…but I am not I have to continue on down this road. Yes I am healing, yes I have come so far, and I laugh, joke, get out, and look normal. But there are moments when I realize that the storm has cleared to give me a chance to breathe, but it is still thundering, and the rain and wind will pick up soon.

A New Treasure

One of the things, among many, that God is revealing to me is: I love photography. I love taking pictures of life, people or images, things that mean something to me or to someone else. I guess in a way always have, I use to go with a friend in high school for drives and we would take our cameras a long, taking pictures of things that we loved, I remember thinking how relaxing it was. During this time in my life, on this difficult journey, God is allowing me to escape in writing and now pictures. I love getting behind a camera, a not very good camera but a camera all the same, and capturing moments. I am untrained and really have no idea what I am doing, but I am enjoying it. For this reason so many of those who know me so well have been so encouraging, urging me on to take more. For now this will remain a hobby, just as my writing, something God has washed up on my shore, a hidden treasure to keep for awhile in the midst of tragedy and uncertainty. Who really knows if any of this will be forever or just a moment, just like a Judah and Eddie- they are sweet moments in time.
So I must take a hold of every little thing God has given me and cherish it for as long as He allows me to have it, Capturing the Moments as they come and go, cause really every second another moment has come and gone! Wouldn’t you love to have that moment captured, and framed? So come along on another journey as I begin to capture moments in time: untrained, uneducated, unbelievable gift from God! So feel free to stop by my new blog that will only feature pictures. I will update it here and there with some of my favorites! Thanks for coming along on a new and exciting part of my path!!!

http://www.momentsframed.blogspot.com/

From Germany to Fletcher...Kevin is HOME!!

Kevin is HOME!!! Thanks for all the prayers!!!
He is happy to be home but is struggling for sure with some jet lag...hope to get him back to normal soon. God is so good to give Kevin such an opportunity for travel! Who knows we could end up living there for a while...you never know what or where your path will take you!!!
Here are a few pics for you....enjoy a taste of Germany!

I Close my Eyes

I close my eyes and let the words overcome me, I open my heart to allow the words to flow, I let the moment embrace me and run from my flesh that hinders me, I open my heart….to see what might come out.

I run from my fears, turn from my frustrations, and try to fall freely into the hands of the Father. Lord, give me strength, wrap me in your peace, and overcome me with your words, your whisper, and your voice. Overcome me with your life for when your life is greater, my life becomes lesser.

I close my eyes to see what words will come out, to see where the Lord will take me. I let the Lord wash over me and reveal to me the deepest parts of my heart. I let him lead me, and carry me to the places that need to be revealed, oh lord reveal your truths to my broken heart, let me hear your words and know that it is your voice, oh Lord over come me for I am broken. I lose myself in your heart, in your embrace, in your voice.

I close my eyes and all I want is to see your face, to see your hand, to see your plan. I close my eyes I want to see my children, their smile, their laugh, their fingers, tows and everything in between. Oh Lord I close my eyes to escape the reality.

I close my eyes for I am ready for healing, I am ready for more of you, and I long for more of you. I close my eyes and dream of the future, seeing my husband hold his baby, rock his child, and sing to his little one. I close my eyes to see my husband teach my child how to hit a ball, how to hunt and fish, how to live a life after you. I close my eyes to see my parents as grandparents, my sister as an aunt and my grandmother a great grandmother. I close my eyes in hopes to get a glimpse of what I so long for. I close my eyes to see, to hope, to believe. I close my eyes to escape. Oh Lord…All I can do is close my eyes.