The losses I experienced have forever marked and changed my life. I will never be the same girl I was before I ever tried to get pregnant. I am thankful for the change and embrace it with open arms, even to this day. I have said it before, once you walk the journey of loss or infertility it robs you of your innocence, I don't reject this I have really learn to embrace it.
I think one of the greatest reasons I had to take a break from blogging after the boys came was because I did not know how to collide the two worlds. This is something I still deal with. I know that my joy is someones sorrow. When we found out we were adopting so many were excited, yet even that I remember caused one of my closest and dearest friend pain. She had also walked the path of adoption only to leave it with empty arms of a failed adoption. Then on top of it all I found out I was pregnant, while she too experienced a pregnancy only to lose it. It has forever changed our friendship and I completely understand why, again my joy being her sorrow.
I have am so cautious about my pregnancy, about pregnancy announcements, about baby talk, about my symptoms or any and everything in between. I don't update Facebook with my latest pregnancy thoughts...in fact I have yet to announce to the facebook world about this pregnancy. Why? Because my innocence in pregnancy is gone, I know the pain a facebook status can cause, I know the announcement will bring tears to someones eyes, I know the wants and desires that are out there so why would I knowingly put pain into someones life or path. I don't reject this, I embrace it. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to understand a taste of the world of loss and infertility, because I now can pray for these girls, can encourage or stay away the best that I can.
The reality of it is though, I cannot protect them from the pain. For instance, their are several women pregnant in our church right now...but there are just as many women dealing with a recent loss, daily reality of infertility, or silently dealing with the want and desires of a child. I am aware of several of these women, I stand on the side of joy, knowing their sorrow...so what can I do? I long to protect them from the constant talk of pregnancies, to shelter them from the constant Facebook announcements, and ultimatly give them their greatest joy, but all I can really do is give them a simple knowing smile, or a tighter hug and of course my prayers.
I stand on the other side, but my losses never go away. I stand on the other side, but my innoncence is gone. I stand on the other side, begging God to allow each of those girls to join me on the side of joy.
But until then, I stand on the other side offering every bit of encouragement, hope and support I can give. Because I remember the tears, pain and suffering..it never really goes away.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Finding Contentment
It is easy to find contentment when everything in life is going the way you want it to, and really how often does that happen? And so we find contentment to be a fleeting moment, here one second and gone the next.
When I was going through our journey of trying to have a child, I found myself in the most discontent position ever. It seemed that the only thing in life that would make me happy was having a child, and if I was not going to have a child then I was going to live a very discontent life. Of course you feel this way, and honestly of course God knows we are going to feel this way, He did design us...However, I believe it is what we do with the discontent that either breaks the heart of God, or gives Him the most glory.
I remember finally coming to a place in the journey, when I was able to give it over to the Lord. I submitted it to His hands and placed the desire upon the alter. And it was a real moment, it was not a moment where I was thinking "If I do this then...well then God will give me what I want..." Nope. it was a true sacrifice, one that took a daily walk, climb and battle to the alter to lay it back down again and again and again.
I can remember having many conversations with Kevin about how if God did not give us a child then I knew in the depths of my heart that He had something greater for us...something that would bring us joy that surpassed all understanding. It did not mean the ache, or want was not there it just meant that I was going to stop living my life thinking that having a child was the only thing that would make me happy. It was in that moment that God was able to bring sweet Liesl into our lives, who in return gave us the greatest gift of Jaden, and the next day the surprise of Ty.
Now, it was not always this way- it took me a lot of tears and anger to come to this place...it was not something that happen over night, it was something that took place over a lot of time. It is also amazing how you quickly drop back into a life of discontentment, which honestly is where I have been. I have been discontent with where God has us with Kevin's job. It is not an easy place to be when the future is so unknown, but honestly every tomorrow is unknown.
Our Pastor taught an incredible message last night at church as he finished up His series on the 10 commandments...I highly recommend you listening to it if you have the chance HERE (Laws for Life #6). Anyway he really encouraged us to be content in the now, being content in the now allows God to bring the greater blessings, ones you did not even know you needed or wanted.
1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."
Timothy even goes onto to say that we brought nothing into the world, and we can't anything out. God is faithful to provide for the today, so why are we so consumed with the tomorrow? And why is it that He provided for us yesterday yet we worry about today? God has proven Himself time and time again to me in ways I never imagined or could dream of, yet I am concerned about a job? No, today I lay it all down and live content in moment.
When I was going through our journey of trying to have a child, I found myself in the most discontent position ever. It seemed that the only thing in life that would make me happy was having a child, and if I was not going to have a child then I was going to live a very discontent life. Of course you feel this way, and honestly of course God knows we are going to feel this way, He did design us...However, I believe it is what we do with the discontent that either breaks the heart of God, or gives Him the most glory.
I remember finally coming to a place in the journey, when I was able to give it over to the Lord. I submitted it to His hands and placed the desire upon the alter. And it was a real moment, it was not a moment where I was thinking "If I do this then...well then God will give me what I want..." Nope. it was a true sacrifice, one that took a daily walk, climb and battle to the alter to lay it back down again and again and again.
I can remember having many conversations with Kevin about how if God did not give us a child then I knew in the depths of my heart that He had something greater for us...something that would bring us joy that surpassed all understanding. It did not mean the ache, or want was not there it just meant that I was going to stop living my life thinking that having a child was the only thing that would make me happy. It was in that moment that God was able to bring sweet Liesl into our lives, who in return gave us the greatest gift of Jaden, and the next day the surprise of Ty.
Now, it was not always this way- it took me a lot of tears and anger to come to this place...it was not something that happen over night, it was something that took place over a lot of time. It is also amazing how you quickly drop back into a life of discontentment, which honestly is where I have been. I have been discontent with where God has us with Kevin's job. It is not an easy place to be when the future is so unknown, but honestly every tomorrow is unknown.
Our Pastor taught an incredible message last night at church as he finished up His series on the 10 commandments...I highly recommend you listening to it if you have the chance HERE (Laws for Life #6). Anyway he really encouraged us to be content in the now, being content in the now allows God to bring the greater blessings, ones you did not even know you needed or wanted.
1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."
Timothy even goes onto to say that we brought nothing into the world, and we can't anything out. God is faithful to provide for the today, so why are we so consumed with the tomorrow? And why is it that He provided for us yesterday yet we worry about today? God has proven Himself time and time again to me in ways I never imagined or could dream of, yet I am concerned about a job? No, today I lay it all down and live content in moment.
Friday, July 8, 2011
First of Many on Open Adoption
Lately my thoughts have been consumed with my sweet Jaden Boy! I know the reason, he will be turning 2 in 4 weeks and I am in awe of that reality. I can't believe it has been 2 years since we brought home this bundle of joy. I can't believe how far God has brought us and all we have learned about adoption, open adoption, and family the last 2 years. And I can't even imagine what the next several years will bring us and teach us.
As I look back over the last 2 years of Jadens life it is not at all what I ever expected. Jaden is beyond my hopes and dreams, he is more then I ever expected and blesses me to the core everyday. I did not expect to love him as much as I do, I know that sounds crazy but my love for him overwhelms me at times. Jaden's name means "Jehovah has heard" and Jadens existence in my life is a daily reminder that God really does hear the deepest cries of our hearts, the ones we don't even know about.
As I think over Jaden's adoption it too has left me speechless and it has been nothing like what I expected. For starters open adoption was so easy to talk about when Jaden was an idea, a thought, a dream. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that God gave me a heart for Liesl from the moment I learned of her. I am thankful that God protected my heart from myself and I was able to freely walk into an open adoption with Liesl with little to no expectation of what I would really feel when Jaden would enter this world.
We had little to no counselling when it came to what to expect after Jaden would enter the world. The only counselling I received was as we entered the hospital, the adoption agency told me that this was Liesl's time, to let her set the pace, let her have Jaden as often as she needed...this would be the only time in her life that she would be the "mom" and she needed time to grieve and say goodbye. It was wise advice for our situation and I am thankful for it to this day. I am also thankful that once again God wrapped me up in a bubble that I was unaware of and I was able to freely love Liesl and Jaden in a way that was beyond myself, it was clearly God.
So at 3:38am on August 14, 2009 Our (Liesl, Kevin, and my) son entered the world. It still makes me so emotional. I remember them placing Jaden on Liesl and at that point I saw Liesl become a mom, she loved him and you could tell she was even overwhelmed by the love for this little boy. I remember falling into our nurses arms (whose name was Beth and she was truly an angel sent from God) and whispering to her "Pray, please pray for her..." I knew at that moment that this was going to be a journey far beyond my expectations, and it has been.
As I look back over the last 2 years of Jadens life it is not at all what I ever expected. Jaden is beyond my hopes and dreams, he is more then I ever expected and blesses me to the core everyday. I did not expect to love him as much as I do, I know that sounds crazy but my love for him overwhelms me at times. Jaden's name means "Jehovah has heard" and Jadens existence in my life is a daily reminder that God really does hear the deepest cries of our hearts, the ones we don't even know about.
As I think over Jaden's adoption it too has left me speechless and it has been nothing like what I expected. For starters open adoption was so easy to talk about when Jaden was an idea, a thought, a dream. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that God gave me a heart for Liesl from the moment I learned of her. I am thankful that God protected my heart from myself and I was able to freely walk into an open adoption with Liesl with little to no expectation of what I would really feel when Jaden would enter this world.
We had little to no counselling when it came to what to expect after Jaden would enter the world. The only counselling I received was as we entered the hospital, the adoption agency told me that this was Liesl's time, to let her set the pace, let her have Jaden as often as she needed...this would be the only time in her life that she would be the "mom" and she needed time to grieve and say goodbye. It was wise advice for our situation and I am thankful for it to this day. I am also thankful that once again God wrapped me up in a bubble that I was unaware of and I was able to freely love Liesl and Jaden in a way that was beyond myself, it was clearly God.
So at 3:38am on August 14, 2009 Our (Liesl, Kevin, and my) son entered the world. It still makes me so emotional. I remember them placing Jaden on Liesl and at that point I saw Liesl become a mom, she loved him and you could tell she was even overwhelmed by the love for this little boy. I remember falling into our nurses arms (whose name was Beth and she was truly an angel sent from God) and whispering to her "Pray, please pray for her..." I knew at that moment that this was going to be a journey far beyond my expectations, and it has been.
The days following Jaden's birth I saw Liesl take the step at her own time, I remember the day it happened too and it was not in the hospital, although those moments were there, it was the 3rd day...the day we said goodbye to her. We had taken her to a park, we took pictures, we cried, hugged and then she took Jaden down the hill and stood there with him saying her goodbye. When she returned she look at me and placed him into my arms...there was a moment between us, as she let go of her role and gave it to me. How can I describe in words that moment? I can't because it is not for everyone...
This only the start of my starting to journal my thoughts about open adoption. I hope I can portray and honest and open description of what it has been like. The ups and downs and all the in between. Open adoption is beautiful and a gift from God, but it is not always an easy journey...I also know that our situation is a rare case, and I know that our story will look so different from yours or someone else I am thankful though that God has laid it on my heart to share our story about Liesl and Jaden, because it is a true testimony of our God!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
A Trip of Reality
This weekend I had the amazing privilege to go away for a few days and visit my dear friend Jamie in PA. Being with Jamie is true water to my soul. It refreshes me and blesses me to my core! I got to spend time with her and her sweet little family which includes a 3 year old precious little girl and a 7 week old new little baby boy and of course Brian her husband! Saturday Brian kept the kids so we could spend the day kid free and boy was it amazing. We hit our favorite shops and eat at our favorite places...we become teens again, enjoying life in our own world.
Of course as Jamie and I are together we talk...and talk...and talk. This visit was no different, but actually being in PA, which is where Volvo is moving us, was a reality check for me. Since finding out about the potential of moving I have tried my hardest to embrace it with open arms. Moving is nothing new to Kevin and I and with each move we have been beyond blessed, so this I know would be no different. As Jamie and I processed through my emotions of actually being in PA and seeing what our life could be like...I was shocked at what I discovered. PA is not our home, it does not sit right in my spirit, and this is eye opening for me.
I realized while being in and around PA that Asheville is where I would love to raise my family, we are so invested in the community here and we love our friends and family. Not to mention our church family is one of the biggest reasons we want to put down our roots here, we are invested in our church and believe in their vision and feel extremely connected.
Kevin and I have always said we wanted to go where God would have us go, we did not want to be stubborn in our ways and stay somewhere because it is comfortable...but in this case staying will not be the easy decision..in fact it will be the riskiest decision, but I believe it will be the greatest more rewarding decision as well.
So my prayers for this move have changed.
Lord you know my heart, we want to glorify you, we want to live our lives making your name famous. We want to raise these children in a way that brings them into a relationship with you and gives you honor. So Lord, we want to stay, you have given us a heart for this area and we long to continue being your hands and feet in the ministries you have given to us. We will exhaust every opportunity to stay knowing that at the end of this journey you still may ask us to move. We will not close our ears or heart off, we will keep our eyes open to whatever you have but we ask that you have a job for Kevin here, a house for our family here, and we ask that you make a way for our family to stay!
Of course as Jamie and I are together we talk...and talk...and talk. This visit was no different, but actually being in PA, which is where Volvo is moving us, was a reality check for me. Since finding out about the potential of moving I have tried my hardest to embrace it with open arms. Moving is nothing new to Kevin and I and with each move we have been beyond blessed, so this I know would be no different. As Jamie and I processed through my emotions of actually being in PA and seeing what our life could be like...I was shocked at what I discovered. PA is not our home, it does not sit right in my spirit, and this is eye opening for me.
I realized while being in and around PA that Asheville is where I would love to raise my family, we are so invested in the community here and we love our friends and family. Not to mention our church family is one of the biggest reasons we want to put down our roots here, we are invested in our church and believe in their vision and feel extremely connected.
Kevin and I have always said we wanted to go where God would have us go, we did not want to be stubborn in our ways and stay somewhere because it is comfortable...but in this case staying will not be the easy decision..in fact it will be the riskiest decision, but I believe it will be the greatest more rewarding decision as well.
So my prayers for this move have changed.
Lord you know my heart, we want to glorify you, we want to live our lives making your name famous. We want to raise these children in a way that brings them into a relationship with you and gives you honor. So Lord, we want to stay, you have given us a heart for this area and we long to continue being your hands and feet in the ministries you have given to us. We will exhaust every opportunity to stay knowing that at the end of this journey you still may ask us to move. We will not close our ears or heart off, we will keep our eyes open to whatever you have but we ask that you have a job for Kevin here, a house for our family here, and we ask that you make a way for our family to stay!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Parenting These Blessings
Parenting these two little boys has been beyond a blessing. They are constantly teaching me about love in a way I could never before comprehend. My heart explodes every time one of them calls out "mommmma!!!!!" I tell the boys all the time "if you were not my boys, I would wish that you were..."
Going out in public is also fun, people are constantly asking if they are twins. God is such an amazing and creative God when it comes down to these boys. They really do look like brothers. Ty coming from two dark haired, dark eyed, and dark toned daddy, came into the world with light brown hair and blue eyes and fair skin. Ty is also in the 99% in everything. He is HUGE! He weighs more then Jaden and has bigger feet. Jaden, looks a lot like Liesl. I can't wait to get pictures of them together when she comes for his birthday. What amazes me though is that Jaden with his sandy blond hair and blue eyes, still stands taller then his brother and they wear the same clothes, so they really do favor one another. So this is usually how a conversation in public goes:
Stranger: "aww they are so cute, are they twins?"
Me: "Almost they are 4.5 months apart..."
Stranger (if smart enough to realize that is humanly impossible): "Wow, how is that?"
Me (huge smile on my face): "One is adopted"
Stranger: "Oh wow, what an amazing story, which one is yours?"
Me (who hates hates hates this question..): " they are both mine! If you can't tell then neither can we!"
Stranger: "oh that's sweet...well if I were to guess (yes they really do this) I would say this one (pointing to sweet Jaden!!).
Me: "Sure, He is mine and so is HE (pointing to Ty)
Stranger: "oh... you really are not going to tell us?" (Yes this is most commonly said)
Me: "Nope, have a great day!"
Raising two little boys so close in age also has its challenges as well. Most commonly people say "oh you are a busy mom..." And yes I am, but as I sit here writing this Ty is playing in his room and Jaden is watching Elmo's world. We have figured things out and if we are home things are usually calm and collective (usually...). Now there are those days where I really do feel like I am losing my mind and pulling out my hair, but just like anyone else we have a routine we follow and I find that I am able to function well...we are just doing life together and having two is all I know!
The difficulties I face is being able to really "do" with my boys at this age. I would love to go to story time, swim lessons, the park, a Little Gym, or something similar to these things. The first difficulty is finding the energy to do either of these things with two little boys under two. They are so curious about anything and everything that when we do anything I almost need a second hand to keep up with their busyness. The other hard part of the boys being 4.5 months apart is that they are in completely different developmental stages at the moment. The older they get the smaller the gap will be, but having an almost 18month and almost 24month adds its challenges. Challenges I greatly accept and take but challenges all the same.
I am once again reminded that they are happy boys, they are doing just fine, and they may not be able to do what others kids are able to do and I may not be able to do what other moms maybe able to do, but I don't think my kids are missing out on anything in life...once again God filling in the gaps.
I know that adding a third is just going to add to the fun, and I am ready for it. It may have it challenges, but everyone has their challenges. I am learning to focus in on what I can do and do it to my best ability and leaving the rest up to God!!
Going out in public is also fun, people are constantly asking if they are twins. God is such an amazing and creative God when it comes down to these boys. They really do look like brothers. Ty coming from two dark haired, dark eyed, and dark toned daddy, came into the world with light brown hair and blue eyes and fair skin. Ty is also in the 99% in everything. He is HUGE! He weighs more then Jaden and has bigger feet. Jaden, looks a lot like Liesl. I can't wait to get pictures of them together when she comes for his birthday. What amazes me though is that Jaden with his sandy blond hair and blue eyes, still stands taller then his brother and they wear the same clothes, so they really do favor one another. So this is usually how a conversation in public goes:
Stranger: "aww they are so cute, are they twins?"
Me: "Almost they are 4.5 months apart..."
Stranger (if smart enough to realize that is humanly impossible): "Wow, how is that?"
Me (huge smile on my face): "One is adopted"
Stranger: "Oh wow, what an amazing story, which one is yours?"
Me (who hates hates hates this question..): " they are both mine! If you can't tell then neither can we!"
Stranger: "oh that's sweet...well if I were to guess (yes they really do this) I would say this one (pointing to sweet Jaden!!).
Me: "Sure, He is mine and so is HE (pointing to Ty)
Stranger: "oh... you really are not going to tell us?" (Yes this is most commonly said)
Me: "Nope, have a great day!"
Raising two little boys so close in age also has its challenges as well. Most commonly people say "oh you are a busy mom..." And yes I am, but as I sit here writing this Ty is playing in his room and Jaden is watching Elmo's world. We have figured things out and if we are home things are usually calm and collective (usually...). Now there are those days where I really do feel like I am losing my mind and pulling out my hair, but just like anyone else we have a routine we follow and I find that I am able to function well...we are just doing life together and having two is all I know!
The difficulties I face is being able to really "do" with my boys at this age. I would love to go to story time, swim lessons, the park, a Little Gym, or something similar to these things. The first difficulty is finding the energy to do either of these things with two little boys under two. They are so curious about anything and everything that when we do anything I almost need a second hand to keep up with their busyness. The other hard part of the boys being 4.5 months apart is that they are in completely different developmental stages at the moment. The older they get the smaller the gap will be, but having an almost 18month and almost 24month adds its challenges. Challenges I greatly accept and take but challenges all the same.
I am once again reminded that they are happy boys, they are doing just fine, and they may not be able to do what others kids are able to do and I may not be able to do what other moms maybe able to do, but I don't think my kids are missing out on anything in life...once again God filling in the gaps.
I know that adding a third is just going to add to the fun, and I am ready for it. It may have it challenges, but everyone has their challenges. I am learning to focus in on what I can do and do it to my best ability and leaving the rest up to God!!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Undeserving Love
I feel so blessed and overwhelmed this morning...but above all of those feelings, the strongest of them all is the feeling that I do not deserve any of this.
I went on a hunt this morning looking for a blog I wrote about two years ago, I know it is there but I could not find the specific one I was looking for. But in the process I relived my journey through those hard days. When I look back and read the words written by a broken girl, my heart breaks all over again...I remember all of those emotions, they never truly go away. What I can't believe is how far God has brought me and how I feel as though I am unworthy of this journey I am walking today.
I never in a million years thought I would even get pregnant and have a healthy baby, much less get pregnant, adopt and get pregnant again...never ever imagined it. I can remember calling out for one baby, why in the world would God bless me with 3 healthy babies?
A couple of months ago I was studying Gods word every single morning. I would awake before the kids at 6am, sit and enjoy an hour of uninterrupted and much needed time with my God. Since becoming pregnant, mornings have not been that friendly to me and finding time to study with Him has become a struggle. I hate that days add up to weeks that add up to months without me going before the Father and seeking His heart and what I hate more is that this seems to be a cycle of my life.
I find that there are months where I can't get enough of Gods words, I can hear Him, feel Him and long for Him...then life takes over...something throws me for a loop and I go right back into the old patterns that I hate where seeking Him seems to be last priority...and then I feel so guilty. Look at what you have blessed me with and all you are doing for me and yet I can't even spend 10min with you?
I am reminded daily that God does not bless us because of our doing, this is the grace of God...we don't even deserve life or our next breath yet He extends it to us because of His love...in the same light just because we are not doing does not mean God is not blessing...there is nothing we can or can't do to make God love us more...
I think in my human nature I feel as though I can manipulate God...thoughts like "well If I do this HE will DO this..." but this is not how our gracious, loving Father works...He says "I love you no matter what you do or don't do, I love you because you are my child that is all you have to do."
So today I feel overwhelmed and blessed...and Loved.
I went on a hunt this morning looking for a blog I wrote about two years ago, I know it is there but I could not find the specific one I was looking for. But in the process I relived my journey through those hard days. When I look back and read the words written by a broken girl, my heart breaks all over again...I remember all of those emotions, they never truly go away. What I can't believe is how far God has brought me and how I feel as though I am unworthy of this journey I am walking today.
I never in a million years thought I would even get pregnant and have a healthy baby, much less get pregnant, adopt and get pregnant again...never ever imagined it. I can remember calling out for one baby, why in the world would God bless me with 3 healthy babies?
A couple of months ago I was studying Gods word every single morning. I would awake before the kids at 6am, sit and enjoy an hour of uninterrupted and much needed time with my God. Since becoming pregnant, mornings have not been that friendly to me and finding time to study with Him has become a struggle. I hate that days add up to weeks that add up to months without me going before the Father and seeking His heart and what I hate more is that this seems to be a cycle of my life.
I find that there are months where I can't get enough of Gods words, I can hear Him, feel Him and long for Him...then life takes over...something throws me for a loop and I go right back into the old patterns that I hate where seeking Him seems to be last priority...and then I feel so guilty. Look at what you have blessed me with and all you are doing for me and yet I can't even spend 10min with you?
I am reminded daily that God does not bless us because of our doing, this is the grace of God...we don't even deserve life or our next breath yet He extends it to us because of His love...in the same light just because we are not doing does not mean God is not blessing...there is nothing we can or can't do to make God love us more...
I think in my human nature I feel as though I can manipulate God...thoughts like "well If I do this HE will DO this..." but this is not how our gracious, loving Father works...He says "I love you no matter what you do or don't do, I love you because you are my child that is all you have to do."
So today I feel overwhelmed and blessed...and Loved.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Well Poop!
I often times hop onto the Internet in the afternoons and scroll through Facebook and my blogs that I follow. Many of the blogs and people I follow are in the same or near the same stage of life of raising a family. I find that I compare myself way to much, do you do this too? I know that people (and even I do this) paint a picture of what they want people to know about their life. However, in the moment this is not what I see, what I see is perfection and I think to myself "oh man she does that with her kids...I need to be like that..."
I scroll through status similar to these (exaggerated...but I think you will get the point)
So and So: is painting with her children while sipping on an ice tea and smelling the dinner that is already cooked, all while admiring the laundry put away and the cleaned house...
So and So: is so thankful I was able to run 6 miles, cook dinner, teach my child to read, all while looking perfect...
So and So: is so amazed by her husband who brought home flowers, stayed up all night with the baby, folded laundry and cleaned the house - all while giving me a massage...
I have to be careful how I let it effect me, I also want to be careful because I do not want to portray my life in this way. I don't want to paint a life of perfection, it is so far from perfect. I also don't want to just complain, because honestly that is just as annoying as the braggers. I want this blog and even my Facebook to be a place of reality...day to day struggles, joys and happiness and even the ups and downs all why giving God the credit and glory!
So today my status would of said:
Beth: was suppose to go to the park and library, however the park alone was enough of a work out, stopped by Chick-fil-a because buying lunch is much easier then making it, brought it home and ate it on the porch because their high chairs still had breakfast on it. Ty had leaked through his diaper so being clever I just took it off and let him run around naked, great idea until I discovered he pooped all over the porch...Jaden sat in it, the dogs stepped in it and I somehow got it all over my leg...all while sitting in sweat pants and drinking a root beer because it is the only satisfying drink...
Reality folks...reality. And now after their nap they are watching Curious George...I am not teaching them to read but I am letting the monkey teach them about how to get on a subway...hmmm....Once again thanking God who fills in the gaps...and thankful for a sense of humor that made me laugh at it all!
I scroll through status similar to these (exaggerated...but I think you will get the point)
So and So: is painting with her children while sipping on an ice tea and smelling the dinner that is already cooked, all while admiring the laundry put away and the cleaned house...
So and So: is so thankful I was able to run 6 miles, cook dinner, teach my child to read, all while looking perfect...
So and So: is so amazed by her husband who brought home flowers, stayed up all night with the baby, folded laundry and cleaned the house - all while giving me a massage...
I have to be careful how I let it effect me, I also want to be careful because I do not want to portray my life in this way. I don't want to paint a life of perfection, it is so far from perfect. I also don't want to just complain, because honestly that is just as annoying as the braggers. I want this blog and even my Facebook to be a place of reality...day to day struggles, joys and happiness and even the ups and downs all why giving God the credit and glory!
So today my status would of said:
Beth: was suppose to go to the park and library, however the park alone was enough of a work out, stopped by Chick-fil-a because buying lunch is much easier then making it, brought it home and ate it on the porch because their high chairs still had breakfast on it. Ty had leaked through his diaper so being clever I just took it off and let him run around naked, great idea until I discovered he pooped all over the porch...Jaden sat in it, the dogs stepped in it and I somehow got it all over my leg...all while sitting in sweat pants and drinking a root beer because it is the only satisfying drink...
Reality folks...reality. And now after their nap they are watching Curious George...I am not teaching them to read but I am letting the monkey teach them about how to get on a subway...hmmm....Once again thanking God who fills in the gaps...and thankful for a sense of humor that made me laugh at it all!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dreams to Reality
There have been so many moments over the course of the last two years where I could not believe this was my life. Like right now.
As I type this I am sitting on my deck listening to the joys of my boys little voices fill the air. There is nothing quite like it. I try hard to freeze the moment, making it stand still in time. I know one day I will wish with everything inside of me for these days to be back. But there is no going back, there is only going forward. And so I must learn to embrace the moving forward with open arms and a ready heart.
Raising two little boys is a huge responsibility. I long for my boys to be warriors for God, to have hearts that seek Him, and want to know Him. That is my prayer above all other prayers "Lord give them hearts to know you, ears to hear you, life to serve you..." Because at the end of the day this will be the one thing that will carry them through all of lives difficult times.
Ahh yes I sound so spiritual writing all this out, and yes this is my deepest hearts longing, but can I just say that even two years into my parenting I have failed daily, by the moment. I laugh now at my dreams before becoming a mom....I will pray through each situation, I will never allow my anger or frustration to get a hold of me...that I will quote scripture each morning as I danced around to praise music while fixing them breakfast, looking perfect because "I will never be that mom that wears sweat pants everyday"...um yeah not quite, makes me laugh out loud...instead I often times roll out of bed, put on what I had on yesterday (which is sweats and a T-shirt), come down stairs and put on Word World, or Elmo, depending on what I am not sick of, and fix them a bagel, or eggs...depending on what we had the day before.
Perfection got thrown out the moment my boys enter the world, and my flesh often times gets the best of me. I am thankful that God is a big God who fills in my many missing links and pot holes, taking care of the boys when I am failing. And there is nothing super spiritual about that, just a thankful earthly mom!
As I type this I am sitting on my deck listening to the joys of my boys little voices fill the air. There is nothing quite like it. I try hard to freeze the moment, making it stand still in time. I know one day I will wish with everything inside of me for these days to be back. But there is no going back, there is only going forward. And so I must learn to embrace the moving forward with open arms and a ready heart.
Raising two little boys is a huge responsibility. I long for my boys to be warriors for God, to have hearts that seek Him, and want to know Him. That is my prayer above all other prayers "Lord give them hearts to know you, ears to hear you, life to serve you..." Because at the end of the day this will be the one thing that will carry them through all of lives difficult times.
Ahh yes I sound so spiritual writing all this out, and yes this is my deepest hearts longing, but can I just say that even two years into my parenting I have failed daily, by the moment. I laugh now at my dreams before becoming a mom....I will pray through each situation, I will never allow my anger or frustration to get a hold of me...that I will quote scripture each morning as I danced around to praise music while fixing them breakfast, looking perfect because "I will never be that mom that wears sweat pants everyday"...um yeah not quite, makes me laugh out loud...instead I often times roll out of bed, put on what I had on yesterday (which is sweats and a T-shirt), come down stairs and put on Word World, or Elmo, depending on what I am not sick of, and fix them a bagel, or eggs...depending on what we had the day before.
Perfection got thrown out the moment my boys enter the world, and my flesh often times gets the best of me. I am thankful that God is a big God who fills in my many missing links and pot holes, taking care of the boys when I am failing. And there is nothing super spiritual about that, just a thankful earthly mom!
Monday, June 13, 2011
It's Time
Friends,
Hello!!! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be writing again. I have been praying for sometime now about whether to blog or not. The time off was much needed and I think appropriate. God has revealed so many amazing things to me in the last several months. Things I hope to share with you over time.
I believe the time off made me refocus. I played around with opening a new blog and starting over, but then God pressed on my heart the importance of this blog. This blog has always been my journal and I am so thankful for each writing, each entry, each word. They are my heart and my journey and I don't for one second regret anything that was written. I look back and see how far God has brought me, how far this journey has come, and how much God is continuing to do for me, in me, and through me!
I know many people came across this blog because they were dealing with their own loss and ache to be a parent. When I became a mom I did not feel like I could journal any longer because I did not want to cause more pain to those still experiencing loss and grief. I am so beyond sensitive to those dealing with infertility and loss. I feel like I can encourage but how can I speak on that subject any longer when so many have passed me by with so much more grief and pain?
God is showing me though that I still have a story, I still have a journey and although now my joy might be someones sorrow, my story still speaks to those who God intends it to speak to. I have a heart to be open and honest, I am called to this. I am called to journal publicly about the ups and downs of life in hopes that it points to God and God alone.
I want to share my insecurities of being a mom, I want to share my joys of being a mom, I want to share my frustrations of being a mom. I want to be able to speak about open adoption, I want to be a huge advocate for adoption and be a open book on this subject.I want to honest about the big and little things but most importantly I want to share my heart with God, my struggle to put Christ first in a life that continues to move fast at a pace I struggle to keep up with.
And now I am about to enter into a whole new phase to this journey. I am pregnant. (I just have to stop for a moment and tell those of you who are still dealing with infertility that I am so sorry. I did not know how else I could write it or say it. I understand if my blog needs to not be read any more, please do whatever YOU need to do. I believe in a big God, a God of blessings and of joy and a God who is so intimate that He is catching every tear you cry, and holding you tightly in the palm of His almighty hands.) This is complete and utter excitement and comes with an emotion I can't describe. I never ever thought this would be my journey. I will have 3 children under 3!
What amazes me is the fear and grief that still comes with each pregnancy I experience. Even though I hold onto Ty and Jaden I find myself still expecting the worse. I am learning daily to let go of my fears and live in the moment of Life! I am just short of 11 weeks and all is going well so far. We are beyond grateful and feel blessed beyond measure.
The other phase in our journey is the unexpected news that Kevin's job with Volvo here in Asheville NC is coming to an end. They are shutting down the plant here and moving us all to Pennsylvania. This is devastating news to Kevin and I as this has become home over the last 4 years. We can't imagine moving but we feel that at this point we don't see any other way. We have no definite plans as of yet, and are thankful we will have baby #3 here. The move is not suppose to happen until June 2012.
So, here we go and I invite you to come along with me! AS I wrote this post I fed breakfast, watched Elmo, change 3 poops, ended 3 frustrating arguments, fixed 3 toys and now we are outside playing and all before 10am so with that said no my post my not be consistent in timing!
Hello!!! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be writing again. I have been praying for sometime now about whether to blog or not. The time off was much needed and I think appropriate. God has revealed so many amazing things to me in the last several months. Things I hope to share with you over time.
I believe the time off made me refocus. I played around with opening a new blog and starting over, but then God pressed on my heart the importance of this blog. This blog has always been my journal and I am so thankful for each writing, each entry, each word. They are my heart and my journey and I don't for one second regret anything that was written. I look back and see how far God has brought me, how far this journey has come, and how much God is continuing to do for me, in me, and through me!
I know many people came across this blog because they were dealing with their own loss and ache to be a parent. When I became a mom I did not feel like I could journal any longer because I did not want to cause more pain to those still experiencing loss and grief. I am so beyond sensitive to those dealing with infertility and loss. I feel like I can encourage but how can I speak on that subject any longer when so many have passed me by with so much more grief and pain?
God is showing me though that I still have a story, I still have a journey and although now my joy might be someones sorrow, my story still speaks to those who God intends it to speak to. I have a heart to be open and honest, I am called to this. I am called to journal publicly about the ups and downs of life in hopes that it points to God and God alone.
I want to share my insecurities of being a mom, I want to share my joys of being a mom, I want to share my frustrations of being a mom. I want to be able to speak about open adoption, I want to be a huge advocate for adoption and be a open book on this subject.I want to honest about the big and little things but most importantly I want to share my heart with God, my struggle to put Christ first in a life that continues to move fast at a pace I struggle to keep up with.
And now I am about to enter into a whole new phase to this journey. I am pregnant. (I just have to stop for a moment and tell those of you who are still dealing with infertility that I am so sorry. I did not know how else I could write it or say it. I understand if my blog needs to not be read any more, please do whatever YOU need to do. I believe in a big God, a God of blessings and of joy and a God who is so intimate that He is catching every tear you cry, and holding you tightly in the palm of His almighty hands.) This is complete and utter excitement and comes with an emotion I can't describe. I never ever thought this would be my journey. I will have 3 children under 3!
What amazes me is the fear and grief that still comes with each pregnancy I experience. Even though I hold onto Ty and Jaden I find myself still expecting the worse. I am learning daily to let go of my fears and live in the moment of Life! I am just short of 11 weeks and all is going well so far. We are beyond grateful and feel blessed beyond measure.
The other phase in our journey is the unexpected news that Kevin's job with Volvo here in Asheville NC is coming to an end. They are shutting down the plant here and moving us all to Pennsylvania. This is devastating news to Kevin and I as this has become home over the last 4 years. We can't imagine moving but we feel that at this point we don't see any other way. We have no definite plans as of yet, and are thankful we will have baby #3 here. The move is not suppose to happen until June 2012.
So, here we go and I invite you to come along with me! AS I wrote this post I fed breakfast, watched Elmo, change 3 poops, ended 3 frustrating arguments, fixed 3 toys and now we are outside playing and all before 10am so with that said no my post my not be consistent in timing!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Stepping Away
Honesty- I can't write on this blog right now. It hit me today that I need to come clean about this blog. It has come to a halt with a few updates because I feel guilty so I write something. There a few reasons why I can't update this blog right now. I am not closing it, I am just making an announcement that I am not going to be posting on it for a while. The reasons very and I feel as though I need to be honest about this as well.
1)Privacy: not for me personally but for my boys, for Liesl, for our situation. I do not feel comfortable adding to much to this blog as public as it is, I don't know who follows it...when it was just my journey I was okay with sharing my heart, taking the criticisms that it brought but now...when it affects so many it is just not worth it to hear everyone's opinion regarding our personal situation and journey.
2)Time: I hate using the “I don't have time” but I really don't for this blog. God is leading me in new directions with a new journey. He is allowing me to be a part of a ministry with 6 other girls, a ministry of health and our temples, bringing glory to God through our spiritual body and physical body. It is SO exciting and I spend much of my “free” time when I have it investing into the growth of this ministry!
3)And lastly and most importantly I don't have freedom in my heart from God to post about my daily life, ups and downs and milestones of my boys when so many women who read this are longing for their day to enter into motherhood. I tried to find that freedom, to force it but I realize now that I just can't and I am done forcing it. I long for the day for each of you, and my blog was for a season of grief. I really believe that is why I am not closing it. For those who might need encouragement from my journey it will be here, but I will not be salt in the wound as they read about my journey of motherhood, it just does not seem right for me personally. I long for the day when God opens the door for me to share more about my journey of adoption and our relationship with Sweet Girl Liesl, but until that day I must stay silent.
This is my last post for a while, I really never thought this day would come, and to be honest it is bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter though. I crossed into motherhood and when you do that, even though you don't forget your grief, pain or loss your voice into the land of infertility quiets a bit, at least for me it did. I am here checking on your blogs, being present in prayer and support but my blog will remain quiet!
I post this because to just never write would leave you guy wondering where I was. I am here, just in a new place in life and wanting to embrace all the new things God is bringing to my door. Please know I will update the website of the boys and pictures, if you would like that information please email or comment and I will send you the link and password.
Thank you for praying me to this point, supporting me on my dark days and loving me through it all!
1)Privacy: not for me personally but for my boys, for Liesl, for our situation. I do not feel comfortable adding to much to this blog as public as it is, I don't know who follows it...when it was just my journey I was okay with sharing my heart, taking the criticisms that it brought but now...when it affects so many it is just not worth it to hear everyone's opinion regarding our personal situation and journey.
2)Time: I hate using the “I don't have time” but I really don't for this blog. God is leading me in new directions with a new journey. He is allowing me to be a part of a ministry with 6 other girls, a ministry of health and our temples, bringing glory to God through our spiritual body and physical body. It is SO exciting and I spend much of my “free” time when I have it investing into the growth of this ministry!
3)And lastly and most importantly I don't have freedom in my heart from God to post about my daily life, ups and downs and milestones of my boys when so many women who read this are longing for their day to enter into motherhood. I tried to find that freedom, to force it but I realize now that I just can't and I am done forcing it. I long for the day for each of you, and my blog was for a season of grief. I really believe that is why I am not closing it. For those who might need encouragement from my journey it will be here, but I will not be salt in the wound as they read about my journey of motherhood, it just does not seem right for me personally. I long for the day when God opens the door for me to share more about my journey of adoption and our relationship with Sweet Girl Liesl, but until that day I must stay silent.
This is my last post for a while, I really never thought this day would come, and to be honest it is bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter though. I crossed into motherhood and when you do that, even though you don't forget your grief, pain or loss your voice into the land of infertility quiets a bit, at least for me it did. I am here checking on your blogs, being present in prayer and support but my blog will remain quiet!
I post this because to just never write would leave you guy wondering where I was. I am here, just in a new place in life and wanting to embrace all the new things God is bringing to my door. Please know I will update the website of the boys and pictures, if you would like that information please email or comment and I will send you the link and password.
Thank you for praying me to this point, supporting me on my dark days and loving me through it all!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Kevin....
Kevin-
I don't have a slide show, I don't have anything up my sleeve, I don't have any surprises...but I do have my words... my blog is the closest thing I have to the world knowing just how blessed we are today to celebrate you as a dad!
I don't have to relive with you the journey it took to get here, I don't have to remind you of the tears or express to you the heart ache, because all we have to do is look in each others eyes and we know. We know the birthdays of all 4 of our boys, and the days may pass with very few words spoken about it, but it is okay because we don't have to speak it to know it.
What I do want to express I don't even think all the words in the world would truly help me to describe the type of father and husband you are... but I am willing to try...
Kevin I love....
the way you love God and seek Him with your whole heart
the way you love me
the way you love the boys
the way you play with Jaden, building a tower and asking me to “look and see what Jaden built”
the way you talk to Ty “Hey dude whats up?”
the way you show Christ not only to us but your whole family and friends
the way you sing to the boys every single night “Lord your beautiful....”
the way you pray with the boys every single night “May they come to hear your voice at a young age..”
the way you care for all of us
the way you provide for us especially for me so I can stay home...thank you Kevin
the way you read to Jaden and Ty
the way you invest your time family always comes first
the way you keep me in track with the boys schedule
the way you make me a good mom
the way you try to be perfect in all that you do
the way you have grown in being a Daddy....
Kevin, you truly are one of God's greatest gifts, I would not have Jaden or Tyler if it was not for you. We are blessed beyond words to call you husband and Dadadadadaddaaaaaaaaa....
I look forward to all that lies ahead, with the boys and our future. I don't know what God has in store for us but I know that as long as I get to live it and walk it with you I am ready for it.
Today is a day for us to say thank you, we became a father with Eddie and Judah, but you became a daddy with Jaden and Ty!
We love you!!!
I don't have a slide show, I don't have anything up my sleeve, I don't have any surprises...but I do have my words... my blog is the closest thing I have to the world knowing just how blessed we are today to celebrate you as a dad!
I don't have to relive with you the journey it took to get here, I don't have to remind you of the tears or express to you the heart ache, because all we have to do is look in each others eyes and we know. We know the birthdays of all 4 of our boys, and the days may pass with very few words spoken about it, but it is okay because we don't have to speak it to know it.
What I do want to express I don't even think all the words in the world would truly help me to describe the type of father and husband you are... but I am willing to try...
Kevin I love....
the way you love God and seek Him with your whole heart
the way you love me
the way you love the boys
the way you play with Jaden, building a tower and asking me to “look and see what Jaden built”
the way you talk to Ty “Hey dude whats up?”
the way you show Christ not only to us but your whole family and friends
the way you sing to the boys every single night “Lord your beautiful....”
the way you pray with the boys every single night “May they come to hear your voice at a young age..”
the way you care for all of us
the way you provide for us especially for me so I can stay home...thank you Kevin
the way you read to Jaden and Ty
the way you invest your time family always comes first
the way you keep me in track with the boys schedule
the way you make me a good mom
the way you try to be perfect in all that you do
the way you have grown in being a Daddy....
Kevin, you truly are one of God's greatest gifts, I would not have Jaden or Tyler if it was not for you. We are blessed beyond words to call you husband and Dadadadadaddaaaaaaaaa....
I look forward to all that lies ahead, with the boys and our future. I don't know what God has in store for us but I know that as long as I get to live it and walk it with you I am ready for it.
Today is a day for us to say thank you, we became a father with Eddie and Judah, but you became a daddy with Jaden and Ty!
We love you!!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Really a POST!!!???!!??!?!?!
When I think about updating the blog I am a bit overwhelmed, I have so much I could write about and I don't know where to start. I hate that I am only updating it once a month, I keep hoping I get better but days turn into months and before I know it has been forever since I have updated. So here is a quick overview of our life!!!
Jaden is crawling- seems like it happen overnight and now he is into everything! His first crawl was to me and that warmed my heart beyond words!
Ty is HUGE and when I say huge I mean it, he is bigger then Jaden! He has the cutest little talk and sounds like he is growling!
We have taken 2 trips, one to visit my friend Jamie in PA, we pack up the boys and drove through the night, they did better then either of us could have imagined. It was a blessed and refreshing time! The second was to the beach which is where we are now, it has been amazing and refreshing!!
Jaden said “MOM” this week at the beach, he looks at me and says “Mommmmm” never thought I would love it like I do!
Been challenged to pray for my husband everyday through the month of June, it has been awesome and amazing to see God working in our lives. Having children has changed our marriage but only in ways that are deeper and stronger, thankful for some of the challenges He has placed before us.
Kevin's job is great, we feel beyond blessed everyday. Kevin loves it and we have defiantly made NC our home, not looking to move anytime soon and that is beyond awesome!!
We separated the boys so they each have rooms now, we finally finished our downstairs room and now it is a guest bedroom/office, Kevin did it all and it looks amazing! I will try to post pictures but give me a couple of months LOL!
I love being a mom, I love this life and I am beyond blessed. I am trying to make each day count because already the boys are so big and huge! I am planning Jaden's birthday which is in just a short two months...sigh...
I have lost all my baby weight and then some, I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me in this area. God has blessed me with a group of amazing women who are encouraging me on this path. We are already praying that this would become a ministry and it excites me beyond words! A ministry surrounded by health- amazing!
God is teaching me so much about ministry and my heart- I am beyond thankful for the truths he is revealing to me about my heart and my heart for ministry, I am acting when he directs me and relying on Him in the direction- I do not work for man or for mans approval and this has been transforming. This is the longest time in my life that I have not worked for a church staff and I am thankful for this time and am in not in any hurry to change it!
For now I believe that is all. Thank you for checking in and still following our journey. I still pray a lot about the direction of the blog never knowing which way God will lead so for now I update when I can! My hope and prayer is that I can start really sharing about adoption since this is such a huge part of our life. For now Liesl will not be able to make it for Jaden's birthday. We are all sad but are looking forward to when she can visit and we are hoping and praying it will be sooner then later! I know I am not good at follow up but I do read every email- and please know I will try to get back to you as soon as I can!
Jaden is crawling- seems like it happen overnight and now he is into everything! His first crawl was to me and that warmed my heart beyond words!
Ty is HUGE and when I say huge I mean it, he is bigger then Jaden! He has the cutest little talk and sounds like he is growling!
We have taken 2 trips, one to visit my friend Jamie in PA, we pack up the boys and drove through the night, they did better then either of us could have imagined. It was a blessed and refreshing time! The second was to the beach which is where we are now, it has been amazing and refreshing!!
Jaden said “MOM” this week at the beach, he looks at me and says “Mommmmm” never thought I would love it like I do!
Been challenged to pray for my husband everyday through the month of June, it has been awesome and amazing to see God working in our lives. Having children has changed our marriage but only in ways that are deeper and stronger, thankful for some of the challenges He has placed before us.
Kevin's job is great, we feel beyond blessed everyday. Kevin loves it and we have defiantly made NC our home, not looking to move anytime soon and that is beyond awesome!!
We separated the boys so they each have rooms now, we finally finished our downstairs room and now it is a guest bedroom/office, Kevin did it all and it looks amazing! I will try to post pictures but give me a couple of months LOL!
I love being a mom, I love this life and I am beyond blessed. I am trying to make each day count because already the boys are so big and huge! I am planning Jaden's birthday which is in just a short two months...sigh...
I have lost all my baby weight and then some, I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me in this area. God has blessed me with a group of amazing women who are encouraging me on this path. We are already praying that this would become a ministry and it excites me beyond words! A ministry surrounded by health- amazing!
God is teaching me so much about ministry and my heart- I am beyond thankful for the truths he is revealing to me about my heart and my heart for ministry, I am acting when he directs me and relying on Him in the direction- I do not work for man or for mans approval and this has been transforming. This is the longest time in my life that I have not worked for a church staff and I am thankful for this time and am in not in any hurry to change it!
For now I believe that is all. Thank you for checking in and still following our journey. I still pray a lot about the direction of the blog never knowing which way God will lead so for now I update when I can! My hope and prayer is that I can start really sharing about adoption since this is such a huge part of our life. For now Liesl will not be able to make it for Jaden's birthday. We are all sad but are looking forward to when she can visit and we are hoping and praying it will be sooner then later! I know I am not good at follow up but I do read every email- and please know I will try to get back to you as soon as I can!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Heavenly
This is what I came down to this morning (this and a new laptop so I can blog more hopefully!)!
I know today is painful for many who stop by my blog, so please know I understand if you are unable to view this...
I wanted to share with you though where God has brought me. There were two distinct moments in my life that I truly believe shaped me into who I am. One was a relationship that I was in and ended very badly, I remember right before it I knew it was not in a Godly place, I fell before the Father with my arms stretched out, "if this is not what YOU want I don't want it, as painful as it is I know you will bring a greater joy!!" This was said through tears and heart ache, not long after that moment God brought my Kevin into my life and my world has never been the same. I can't express to you the love I have for my husband, it is greater and deeper then anything I could ever imagine...
The second was after my second loss and third year of waiting, I fell before the Lord once again only this time I was so fearful of the prayer I was going to pray...."I know Lord if I let it Go, if I offer it to you and you say no I am going to believe that once again you have a greater joy...." I lived my next year in a state of complete surrender, that if it was not meant to be there was something greater God had for me...not long after that moment God brought Jaden, and the NEXT day I found out about Tyler!
I don't write this as the answer, but I do write this as an encouragement! God will always come with a greater joy, and the sun always shines brighter after a storm!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Adoption/Pregnancy
As always I have wanted to update for some time now but as you all know, having two babies…well enough said!
Over the last few months there have been so many times when I am up with Ty and I write a blog in my head, lately (although Ty has slept through the night 5 nights in a row, I will take every one I can get!!!) it has been the same topic of adoption/pregnancy.
When I am out with the boys I constantly get the same responses…
Stranger “oh look twins?”
Me “kind of, they are 18 weeks apart…”
Stranger (if they are smart…some just think this is possible I guess) “oh…wow…how???”
Me “we adopted and got pregnant…”
Stranger (and I PROMISE YOU IT NEVER FAILS) “oh isn’t that how it happens, I have heard of that happening so many times…”
I use to argue it a bit by responding that is DOES NOT always happens that way, but lately I am tired of trying to explain that it is a miracle, and just nod my head… So here are my thoughts on this topic.
Fact: Kevin and I did not set out to adopt to get pregnant.
Fact: Kevin and I did not choose adoption as our second choice.
Fact: Kevin and I stopped trying (started using protection!) when we found out of the possibility of Jaden
I say these things because adopting does not always land you pregnant, it is not a reason to adopt and it is not the reason Kevin and I adopted. God had ordained Jaden as ours, he chose to place Jaden in Liesl, Jaden was never a mistake, Jaden’s life was ordained by God!
Ty was conceived by a miracle, we were not trying, I had tried for 11 months and had not gotten pregnant, I ovulated on my left side, the side without a tube. Ty’s life was ordained, Ty is a miracle and it was all Gods timing, not ours, Ty was not conceived because Kevin and I chose to adopt!
There are MANY couples who adopt and still never conceive, it is exhausting to them to constantly hear, “well if you adopt you will get pregnant”, that is a false and an untrue statement, and sometimes a very painful statement, as if the adoption was in some way or form a last resort for becoming parents, which is NOT the case!
I truly believe that God chose for us to have the boys so close together because He was showing us His power, His timing, and His divine plan. He was removing all human influences so you had to step back and realize it was only by the Hand of GOD!!!
Over the last few months there have been so many times when I am up with Ty and I write a blog in my head, lately (although Ty has slept through the night 5 nights in a row, I will take every one I can get!!!) it has been the same topic of adoption/pregnancy.
When I am out with the boys I constantly get the same responses…
Stranger “oh look twins?”
Me “kind of, they are 18 weeks apart…”
Stranger (if they are smart…some just think this is possible I guess) “oh…wow…how???”
Me “we adopted and got pregnant…”
Stranger (and I PROMISE YOU IT NEVER FAILS) “oh isn’t that how it happens, I have heard of that happening so many times…”
I use to argue it a bit by responding that is DOES NOT always happens that way, but lately I am tired of trying to explain that it is a miracle, and just nod my head… So here are my thoughts on this topic.
Fact: Kevin and I did not set out to adopt to get pregnant.
Fact: Kevin and I did not choose adoption as our second choice.
Fact: Kevin and I stopped trying (started using protection!) when we found out of the possibility of Jaden
I say these things because adopting does not always land you pregnant, it is not a reason to adopt and it is not the reason Kevin and I adopted. God had ordained Jaden as ours, he chose to place Jaden in Liesl, Jaden was never a mistake, Jaden’s life was ordained by God!
Ty was conceived by a miracle, we were not trying, I had tried for 11 months and had not gotten pregnant, I ovulated on my left side, the side without a tube. Ty’s life was ordained, Ty is a miracle and it was all Gods timing, not ours, Ty was not conceived because Kevin and I chose to adopt!
There are MANY couples who adopt and still never conceive, it is exhausting to them to constantly hear, “well if you adopt you will get pregnant”, that is a false and an untrue statement, and sometimes a very painful statement, as if the adoption was in some way or form a last resort for becoming parents, which is NOT the case!
I truly believe that God chose for us to have the boys so close together because He was showing us His power, His timing, and His divine plan. He was removing all human influences so you had to step back and realize it was only by the Hand of GOD!!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Growing so BIG
It is 10:30pm, I usually do Ty's dream feed around now but have decided to push it to 11 since he did not eat as well earlier, I am hoping he will be more hungry. We are still trying to figure this little man out. He is so cute, smiles all the time, cues, giggles, screams, and is so so close to rolling over onto his belly! He does not like to be alone, likes to be moved around a lot and loves for you to talk to him! Even when he cries he will light up if you just start talking to him! He is still NOT sleeping through the night, I have given it up, tried everything and decided this is just extra time God is giving me to be with him, so I am okay with it!
Jaden is the light of a room. He will steal your heart with his big blue eyes. He is hard to get to smile at first but then he is all smiles and giggles and is pure entertainment! He constantly amazes me and when I think he can’t win my heart any more, he does! He is my content baby, goes with the flow hardly cries or fusses and is laid back! He is also my entertainment for Ty, who is fascinated by him!
As I am learning and growing as a parent I realize how hard it is not to compare, especially because my boys are so close together and oh so different! I hate comparing, but I find I have done it quite a bit and have had to go to the Lord for forgiveness. I truly love them both but I can see where parents can struggle with favoritism if you are not constantly aware and cautious of it. I am trying to be as transparent as I can be with my feelings and emotions, knowing that through all of this God is still teaching me as His child, guiding me and showing me where and when to turn with these boys!
I love them both, I don’t love one more than the other, and although adoption is a word in our family it does not change the emotions or love I have toward my boys. We often say “Ty looks like….or does….like…..” But I have found that we do the same thing with Jaden, comparing him to the likes of Kevin and me. I think what we have found that is difficult is that Jaden is such an easy going kid, so Ty is a little bit more opinionated, so it is easy to always say…. “Jaden is such a good baby….Jaden is so amazing….Jaden is…..” I just don’t’ want Jaden to grow up hearing how much Ty is just like us, and I don’t want Ty growing up hearing how good Jaden is…and this is where parenting is hard!
All I know is that God has given me an abundance of love for these boys. Each one is a gift from God, chosen specifically for Kevin and me. I know that as a human in a sinful world I will make a mistake when raising my boys. I hate thinking about it, but that is reality. So I humbly go before the Lord, seeking his direction on how to love these boys for who THEY are, I know that each one will require different love at different times, but regardless I never ever want either of them to feel that the other receives more love. I hope that through their lives I can convey just how much each of them is loved for who they are!
It is always a lesson, and I have only been on this parenting journey for 8 months. I can’t imagine when I look back, 8 years, 18 years, 28 years and so on….all the lessons I will have learned and all the love I will still have. I rest in know that God’s love is so much greater then my love, and where I fail He never fails, where I lack, HE never lacks, where I struggle, HE never struggles!!! What a comfort to know I have Him their guiding me each step of the way!
An update at a glance…
Ty is almost the same size of Jaden wearing six/nine month clothes!!
Ty is almost rolling over
Ty will start solids at the end of this month, earlier then Jaden but because he is ALWAYS hungry!
Jaden is not crawling but can just about get anywhere he wants
Jaden has two teeth coming in!!!
Jaden loves his walker and can get anywhere he wants in the house!
Liesl will be joining us for Jaden’s first birthday, what a reunion that will be for all of us, marking a wonderful year for all!
And my blogging gals,
I am sorry I don’t comment nearly as much as I should, I follow your blogs, your transplants, pregnancies, adoptions, losses, IVF cycle, and waiting! I pray, cry out to God and am constantly thinking of you! Lots of love to each you!!!
Jaden is the light of a room. He will steal your heart with his big blue eyes. He is hard to get to smile at first but then he is all smiles and giggles and is pure entertainment! He constantly amazes me and when I think he can’t win my heart any more, he does! He is my content baby, goes with the flow hardly cries or fusses and is laid back! He is also my entertainment for Ty, who is fascinated by him!
As I am learning and growing as a parent I realize how hard it is not to compare, especially because my boys are so close together and oh so different! I hate comparing, but I find I have done it quite a bit and have had to go to the Lord for forgiveness. I truly love them both but I can see where parents can struggle with favoritism if you are not constantly aware and cautious of it. I am trying to be as transparent as I can be with my feelings and emotions, knowing that through all of this God is still teaching me as His child, guiding me and showing me where and when to turn with these boys!
I love them both, I don’t love one more than the other, and although adoption is a word in our family it does not change the emotions or love I have toward my boys. We often say “Ty looks like….or does….like…..” But I have found that we do the same thing with Jaden, comparing him to the likes of Kevin and me. I think what we have found that is difficult is that Jaden is such an easy going kid, so Ty is a little bit more opinionated, so it is easy to always say…. “Jaden is such a good baby….Jaden is so amazing….Jaden is…..” I just don’t’ want Jaden to grow up hearing how much Ty is just like us, and I don’t want Ty growing up hearing how good Jaden is…and this is where parenting is hard!
All I know is that God has given me an abundance of love for these boys. Each one is a gift from God, chosen specifically for Kevin and me. I know that as a human in a sinful world I will make a mistake when raising my boys. I hate thinking about it, but that is reality. So I humbly go before the Lord, seeking his direction on how to love these boys for who THEY are, I know that each one will require different love at different times, but regardless I never ever want either of them to feel that the other receives more love. I hope that through their lives I can convey just how much each of them is loved for who they are!
It is always a lesson, and I have only been on this parenting journey for 8 months. I can’t imagine when I look back, 8 years, 18 years, 28 years and so on….all the lessons I will have learned and all the love I will still have. I rest in know that God’s love is so much greater then my love, and where I fail He never fails, where I lack, HE never lacks, where I struggle, HE never struggles!!! What a comfort to know I have Him their guiding me each step of the way!
An update at a glance…
Ty is almost the same size of Jaden wearing six/nine month clothes!!
Ty is almost rolling over
Ty will start solids at the end of this month, earlier then Jaden but because he is ALWAYS hungry!
Jaden is not crawling but can just about get anywhere he wants
Jaden has two teeth coming in!!!
Jaden loves his walker and can get anywhere he wants in the house!
Liesl will be joining us for Jaden’s first birthday, what a reunion that will be for all of us, marking a wonderful year for all!
And my blogging gals,
I am sorry I don’t comment nearly as much as I should, I follow your blogs, your transplants, pregnancies, adoptions, losses, IVF cycle, and waiting! I pray, cry out to God and am constantly thinking of you! Lots of love to each you!!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Ahh The Sleepless Nights!
This morning Jaden and I are hanging out a bit, Kevin is an amazing husband and gave me the night off to sleep last night, so this morning Jaden and I (ok mostly I) laid down Tyler and then Kev went off to rest for at least a hour!'
So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!
Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.
Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.
The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”
Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.
This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!
So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!
Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.
Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.
The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”
Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.
This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
In Awe of What God Can DO...
I am in awe of God can do….We have been having one of those years…when I think God could not bless us anymore then He already has He shows up once again and I am left awe-struck…
I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”
When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.
Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!
The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).
I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…
Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”
Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….
Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…
I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…
I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…
Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…
Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…
Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…
I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.
I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”
When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.
Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!
The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).
I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…
Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”
Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….
Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…
I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…
I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…
Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…
Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…
Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…
I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wanted You All to KNOW
That as of Febuary 10th, 2010 Jaden's adoption was finilized!!!
We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!
I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!
I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!
I am praying for you girls who are:
Pregnant
Waiting
Triggering
Adopting
Pausing
And Healing....
Love to you all my girls!
We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!
I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!
I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!
I am praying for you girls who are:
Pregnant
Waiting
Triggering
Adopting
Pausing
And Healing....
Love to you all my girls!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
20 min...
I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.
Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.
Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).
I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.
I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.
Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.
I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.
Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!
And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!
Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.
Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).
I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.
I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.
Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.
I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.
Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!
And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!
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