Liesl called me Wednesday night she is over 3 cm dilated, and although she could sit at that for three weeks we are defiantly in the “on the go” mode! After a lot of prayer we decided I will head out there Saturday and spend the remainder of my time with her and her family. This way no one will be stressed that I will not be there, including Kevin and I.
I am not looking forward to being away from Kev for what could be three weeks; I know in my heart that this is the best decision for everyone. I also know that the extra time with Liesl will only deepen our relationship and prepare her for the loss she is about to experience. I am hoping we can both be open about some of fears and expectations.
I will try to keep everyone as informed as I can, but prayer is needed above all right now! Looking forward to announcing the birth of Jaden in the coming days!!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Today in the Face of a Year
As I awoke this morning I was feeling very emotional about many things. As I rolled over and peered out our big glass windows I could tell it was a rainy day, and for whatever reason I love rainy days and so I smiled. I laid there with my puppies giving me their morning wakeup snuggles and started thinking about where I was a year ago today. I could not remember but I do know that after losing Judah I updated my blog almost every day. I thought maybe I had posted something a year ago today and was anxious to see.
As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?
As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.
Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.
I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!
As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?
As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.
Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.
I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Praise, Prayer and Updates
Of course there is so much going on, but I don't ever want this blog to become about everything pregnancy or adopting, I am still trying to find the balance so please be patient with me. I do however want to give everyone updates to let them know how things are going!
I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!
Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.
It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.
As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!
I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!
Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.
It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.
As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
47 days!
Well the nursery is almost done, and baby Jaden will join the world in 47 days unless he decides to come early, which is what I think will happen. We are so overwhelmed and amazed by our God’s blessings in our lives. When I walk into the nursery it often times brings tears to my eyes, it has been a long and difficult journey and I can't believe that the nursery is not someone else’s, but it is my vision and dream, it is ours and the feeling is indescribable. If you are up to and want to see you can click on Jaden's Room and view it, but please don’t feel like you have to.
Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.
Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.
My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!
So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!
Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!
Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.
Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.
My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!
So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!
Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Oh My Great Suprise!!!
What a week it has been!!! I have been able to have some amazing time with my dearest friend Jamie before the babies come (that is still so hard for me to write out because it does not seem real...). We have enjoyed endless conversations, laughter, tears, fireworks and all!
This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.
On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!
As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.
We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!
This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.
On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!
As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.
We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
New Paths....
To be quite honest I am not sure how to start this letter, or where to begin. As I search my heart for words I come up empty and am praying that God will give me the words that are embedded deep into my heart. As I am sitting at the desk I have the song “As my Savior Leads Me” by Chris Tomlin playing on repeat because I feel like it describes our journey. The words are:
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide
All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread
[Chorus:]You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow meAll the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way
All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me
God has wrapped Kevin and I into his loving wings and carried us through some of our greatest trials, we look back and although the tears still come as we long for the babies we have lost we know we would walk it all over again if it meant that God would gain all the glory, and He has!
As I sit here and write you, my sweet and loving husband is in the back bedroom which we now call Jaden’s room, he is preparing it for his son that will be arriving in less than ten weeks! Jaden is our first blessing, he is already loved, already wanted, already desired, dreamed about and cherished, and Jaden is and will always be our first BORN! 5 months later, we will give birth to his brother or sister, our second blessing. Even to write that out now I am amazed by what God is giving us! I am 12 weeks pregnant with a second blessing that is already loved, wanted and cherished! We are amazed at what God is doing in our lives and find ourselves often times speechless to describe all that God is giving us!
I have been praying about this post, when and how to write it, the above portion of what I have written is actually part of a letter that we are sending out to our family to announce our news. I have struggled to find the appropriate words to share the exciting news but to also be sensitive to those who read my blog who I know hearts are being torn in two with this news. There is the joy that comes from knowing that someone is receiving their miracle, joy that brings hope, joy that is deep down inside….but what seems to take over in many cases is sorrow, sorrow as you remember the babies you have lost, sorrow of not knowing when, how or if you will receive your miracle, sorrow as you watch one more of those you follow cross over onto the other side.
I get it, and I hate that I am the one causing you this pain. Please know that if you are in this group, which many of you are, that I understand, and however you feel, whatever you need to do, however many tears fall…it is okay.
I have been so absent in blogging lately because once again my blog is about to take on new colors and different shades, my blog is my friend, it has been with me on this journey and as much debate as I have done I have decided that I will continue to post on this blog just as honestly as I have in the past, each turn in the journey brings new path, and this is the new path.
With that said, I understand now if following or reading is too difficult and once again I remind you that it is okay…your allowed to feel that way, I too have felt that way.
Please know that in the midst of my honest writing and updating there will be level of sensitivity as I so remember the pain and ache you are feeling, and although I may be “crossing over” as so many of you have put it, I can never leave completely after the journey God has asked Kevin and I to walk, it does not define who I am but it describes why I am the way I am.
Just know that in the midst of the journey, I have cried out for each of you, thought and prayed over you and knowing that this news will affect many of you, I can only pray that God will wrap you each into his loving wings and carry you through those difficult times and moments.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
All The Way Our Savior Leads
What an amazing 3 days we had with Liesl and her brother Tyler!!! God is so faithful and I still cannot believe that our son Jaden will be born in less than 10 weeks. To try and describe how amazing the trip was is difficult for me, I am not sure there are words to describe just how much I love this little boy and how much we already love Liesl. God is expanding our family in ways I never ever imagined! Our God is so faithful!!!! Our Savior is always leading us, wether it is through suffering or through joy, He is always present!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Just a Small Glimpse
1 Cleaned out Office
1 trip to Lowes
2 Skimmed coated walls
6 loads of laundry
3,0000 trips up and down the stairs
3 rearanged rooms
11 potted plants
Preparing for Jaden.....Priceless!!!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
One Year...
Sweet Judah,
Today I believe in my heart you are turning one in heaven, with angel kisses and a big birthday feast. I know that your life is being celebrated with those who I love so dearly and who I know tell you wonderful stories of who your mommy and daddy are.
You are missed everyday, not just today. You were our second pregnancy and a joy everyday I got to have you. Your life was short but made an everlasting imprint on our hearts. We will forever love you and miss you, but we celbrate who you are!
Happy birthday sweet boy!
Today I believe in my heart you are turning one in heaven, with angel kisses and a big birthday feast. I know that your life is being celebrated with those who I love so dearly and who I know tell you wonderful stories of who your mommy and daddy are.
You are missed everyday, not just today. You were our second pregnancy and a joy everyday I got to have you. Your life was short but made an everlasting imprint on our hearts. We will forever love you and miss you, but we celbrate who you are!
Happy birthday sweet boy!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Two Years Ago Today
Two years ago I said hello and goodbye to my first son
Two years ago a piece of me flew to heaven on angels wings
Two years ago I crossed over the line of wanting to gaining
Two years ago I walked into motherhood
Two years ago I learned what grief was and watched as my heart broke
Two years ago I opened the palms of my hands allowing God to take everything
Two years ago I realized my journey into motherhood was going to be difficult terrain
Two year ago I named my first son after my dad, Eddie they will forever share birthdays
Two years ago I had no Idea I would be expecting my third, Jaden Daniel Tanner through adoption
Two years ago is behind, the future lies ahead and I embrace it with open arms
Happy Birthday my sweet little Eddie, you are celebrating your 2nd birthday today, we love you, miss you and carry you with us everyday!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Meeting Stacey
What an amazing God given night!!! Stacey and her husband Chuck were in Tenn. for a vacation. On Thursday they made the drive to NC to visit with Kevin and I. We had so much fun downtown Asheville! Kevin and I pretended we knew what we were doing showing them around however somehow ended up in an alley, parking garage, stairwell and eventually back to the first place we saw to eat! They were so patient with us and we enjoyed a nice evening of sharing and encouraging.
It was an amazing adventure to meet Stacey, and telling our story even baffled us. The fact that we met through blogging is such an unexpected gift to my heart. We are kindred spirits and meeting up only confirmed our already blooming friendship!
God is so amazing to allow something as blogging to be such a connection with others, Stacey's friendship means the world to me and you would never have guessed we had just met that night. It was sad to see them go but I know that they will be forever friends in the years to come!
Thanks Stace for coming all this way, you are a blessing and I love you!Thursday, May 14, 2009
New Terrain
My mind has been all over the place lately. Between Mothers Day, the anniversary of Eddie and then Judah, Kevin and me celebrating 5 years soon and of course the overwhelming amount of paper work we have been issued I have defiantly been on overload!
A lot of people thought I should be celebrating Mothers Day this year, but it is so very hard to do. I know that in three months we are going to be holding our son (which still amazes me to say, and you should check out how great I look for being six months pregnant….j/k) but I don’t know that Mothers Day will be easy to celebrate, especially since this is my third Mothers Day when we are “expecting.” Kevin and I ended up staying home on Sunday and being together, enjoying each other and of course we did one of our favorite things, we went for a hike! It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant with Judah, and two years ago I was pregnant with Eddie. I am beyond excited about all that God is doing, but honestly I still deal with fear daily, having to take those thought captive and not let them rob me of my joy.
Jaden has brought such joy to Kevin and I, we were talking about him yesterday and how Kevin hopes he is born a little early so he will not miss his first Broncos game, yes we already have him a Broncos outfit to wear and Kevin can’t wait to have a buddy to watch the games with! I am constantly amazed at the family God is bringing to us; we truly love Liesl and are so excited to have her part of ours and sweet Jaden’s life. God is an amazing God.
In the evenings this is what you will find Kevin doing:
A lot of people thought I should be celebrating Mothers Day this year, but it is so very hard to do. I know that in three months we are going to be holding our son (which still amazes me to say, and you should check out how great I look for being six months pregnant….j/k) but I don’t know that Mothers Day will be easy to celebrate, especially since this is my third Mothers Day when we are “expecting.” Kevin and I ended up staying home on Sunday and being together, enjoying each other and of course we did one of our favorite things, we went for a hike! It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant with Judah, and two years ago I was pregnant with Eddie. I am beyond excited about all that God is doing, but honestly I still deal with fear daily, having to take those thought captive and not let them rob me of my joy.
Jaden has brought such joy to Kevin and I, we were talking about him yesterday and how Kevin hopes he is born a little early so he will not miss his first Broncos game, yes we already have him a Broncos outfit to wear and Kevin can’t wait to have a buddy to watch the games with! I am constantly amazed at the family God is bringing to us; we truly love Liesl and are so excited to have her part of ours and sweet Jaden’s life. God is an amazing God.
In the evenings this is what you will find Kevin doing:
Because we are working with two agencies and two states we have a LOT of paper work and fees to pay for. We are at peace that God is in control, He knows our finances and we know He will provide, but our flesh wants desperately to know how and when…. Until then if you come to my house you will see a house that is full of paper work, we have a month to get this all completed and then our next steps will be home studies and preparing for little Jaden! Thanks for your prayers and interest in our journey, this is defiantly new terrain for us!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Turning the Bend in the Journey
How do I even begin this post? To describe all that is happening in our lives is overwhelming and miraculous and so much to take in. I am truly having a hard time forming words around all that we are going through, thinking and feeling. I guess the first thing I have been pondering lately is this blog.
I have talked about it before, the journey of this blog, how it was first created to keep in contact with the middle school students I was working with. It was a way for the 300+ students to get a chance to get to know me and my daily struggles, it remained that for about half a year. Then when we moved and lost our first baby it quickly became a place for me to post what was going on with Kevin and me and our lives and journey of moving to NC and trying for our second. After we lost Judah it became a blog about grief, infertility and trying to walk the journey giving God all the glory.
In the last couple of years of my life I have written 233 posts, had over 10,000 hits, and linked up with friends I would have never met. This blog has truly been a hidden treasure from God that has become a best friend. So now that my journey is taking a turn into parenting do I close this blog down? Honestly I know how happy many of you were for me, but I do know the boat some of you are in, I know that there are girls who have been trying for 7 years with many miscarriages, I know that there are girls going through IVF right now, those of you who are pregnant, those of you who have been trying so long and have decided to take a break, those of you who have been waiting for your baby through adoption much longer then Kevin and I, and those of you I don’t know much about. I do know that some of you heard that I was adopting rejoiced for me but also felt the pain in your heart as God has called you to wait a little longer.
So, I know that now this blog is about to be the journey into adopting, the ups and downs, fears, joy and then one day about the moment I held Jaden for the first time. I invite you a long, but I can’t promise that for some of you it may be hard to read, and I understand because I know that feeling; I know that I had to chose not read a few blogs because it surfaced my pain too much. I will promise to always be sensitive, to remember the wide variety of readers, but know I understand if you must take a break from reading. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to walk this journey- it is different for every person and you must walk it the way God created you to walk it. Just know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing your prayers answered.
I have talked about it before, the journey of this blog, how it was first created to keep in contact with the middle school students I was working with. It was a way for the 300+ students to get a chance to get to know me and my daily struggles, it remained that for about half a year. Then when we moved and lost our first baby it quickly became a place for me to post what was going on with Kevin and me and our lives and journey of moving to NC and trying for our second. After we lost Judah it became a blog about grief, infertility and trying to walk the journey giving God all the glory.
In the last couple of years of my life I have written 233 posts, had over 10,000 hits, and linked up with friends I would have never met. This blog has truly been a hidden treasure from God that has become a best friend. So now that my journey is taking a turn into parenting do I close this blog down? Honestly I know how happy many of you were for me, but I do know the boat some of you are in, I know that there are girls who have been trying for 7 years with many miscarriages, I know that there are girls going through IVF right now, those of you who are pregnant, those of you who have been trying so long and have decided to take a break, those of you who have been waiting for your baby through adoption much longer then Kevin and I, and those of you I don’t know much about. I do know that some of you heard that I was adopting rejoiced for me but also felt the pain in your heart as God has called you to wait a little longer.
So, I know that now this blog is about to be the journey into adopting, the ups and downs, fears, joy and then one day about the moment I held Jaden for the first time. I invite you a long, but I can’t promise that for some of you it may be hard to read, and I understand because I know that feeling; I know that I had to chose not read a few blogs because it surfaced my pain too much. I will promise to always be sensitive, to remember the wide variety of readers, but know I understand if you must take a break from reading. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to walk this journey- it is different for every person and you must walk it the way God created you to walk it. Just know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing your prayers answered.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tanner News
Dear Family and Friends,
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.
The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”
Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.
I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.
But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!
You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??
When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.
Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.
We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!
Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!
We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!
*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!
* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.
*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.
We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.
The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”
Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.
I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.
But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!
You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??
When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.
Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.
We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!
Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!
We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!
*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!
* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.
*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.
We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom
Monday, April 27, 2009
Surrendering to a Godly Perspective
I have been thinking a lot about what to write lately. I honestly don't have words to describe the blessings Kevin and I have been experiencing. I was speaking with a friend this morning about how it is not like anything has changed in my life from the human perspective, I am still at this moment childless, I still have two losses, I am still not pregnant (at least not that I know of...), so what has changed to make me see and feel things so differently?
I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.
Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.
So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8
We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”
I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.
Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.
So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8
We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”
Monday, April 20, 2009
Kevin is Amazing
Here is a slide show of the most recent project, don't worry there is no music so just enjoy the pics!
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Can't Blossoming into I CAN
I can't believe… that it has been 10 months since losing Judah
I can't believe… that I was pregnant this time last year
I can't believe… where I have been
I can't believe… where I have come from
I can't believe… where I am standing now
I can't believe… all that God has done, will do, and is doing
I can't believe… the blessings through the suffering
I can't believe… God's abundant everlasting Love towards me
I can't believe… all that has happened and all I have been through
I CAN believe… in God who HE is, what HE does and what HE will do-
I can't believe… how much I am moving forward into what I Can believe
I Had to Go through the can't to get to the other side of the I CAN Believe!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Oh My What a Great Suprise
Kevin called me when he got home from work today
There is a big dent in our Mazda is what he had to say.
What are you sure? It just can't be I explain
I did not and would not go out in this yucky rain!
Come down quick and see for yourself,
I promise it is there and nothing else
So as quick as I could I slid on my shoes
and dashed for the stairs to see if it was true...
As I came down the stairs I could not believe my eyes
For there stood my Kevin with a great big surprise!
A brand new Cannon camera just for me
to capture all those moments I always See!!!
Thanks babe!!!!
First picture taken!!!
Claim it by Name
I am constantly amazed by the love I feel through this blog. I am constantly amazed at how God has used this blog to bring such amazing and wonderful people into my life. I never knew how God would bless me through this, I never knew that first day of writing on this blog about the journey God was having Kevin and I walk would turn into such an incredible blessing.
It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.
One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.
I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!
Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!
Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!
It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.
One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.
I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!
Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!
Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!
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