Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sunday
As I awoke this morning, got bathed once again in the grief, I finally started allowing myself to really walk through the days to come. Tomorrow is the surgery and I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I am so grateful that we only have to go through one more day, that by tomorrow night my hormone levels, that are so extremely high, will began to level out to normal which will make me feel better, that this surgery will not be hanging over us like the dark cloud that it has been, and that the healing process will begin. On the other hand, I am not ready for life to get back to normal, for Kevin to go to work, to not feel pregnant anymore, because all these things say it is final. So I am stuck in such a confusing emotional twist in my journey. Time will continue to go on, and life must be lived. As badly as we want to stay at this point, and in our hearts we want everyone to stay here with us, once again this is not the heart of God. I guess my prayer request for this moment in time is for courage, courage to move forward and walk head first into this grief, and this unknown. I of course fear the outcome of the surgery but know I am in palm of Gods hand, pray that as tomorrow morning approaches that comfort and security will be there, not only for me but for Kevin and my family too.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Servants Heart
Kevin and I are both amazed at the love we have felt from every direction. In times of grief it is amazing how little energy you have to do such mindless task that usually come easy. For instance; laundry, cooking, making the bed, mowing the lawn, even taking out the trash have become monstrous task that lay at hand. I think in a way this is exactly how the Lord wants it to be, so that you find yourself in desperate need of help, so that you are in need of your Christian Family. At first Kevin and I have felt so bad asking for help, it is humbling and hurts your pride as you are admitting that you just can't do it. But as we have asked for help the out poor of love has been more then we can even fathom. Today our pastor came and mowed our lawn. As we heard the lawn mower kick up, Kevin looks at me and states how difficult this is. You feel so helpless and overwhelmed that someone would do this monstrous task for you. I think that receiving the help is almost more difficult then asking for it. We feel so loved, so embraced and so taken care of, and through each servants heart that helps with dinner, mowing the lawn, laundry, or whatever it might be, Kevin and I once again get a glimpse of the Almighty's heart.
So thank you. Thank you for loving us, for carrying us through this and for serving us in ways we never imagined. Your love, your service, your heart is helping us heal, grieve, and live.
So thank you. Thank you for loving us, for carrying us through this and for serving us in ways we never imagined. Your love, your service, your heart is helping us heal, grieve, and live.
Morning light
Every morning as I began to wake up, the wave of grief passes through my body once again. I just lay here and embrace the moment, let myself really feel the grief and allowing God to reveal new wonders to me. This morning as I was reading my other bolgs from the other day, God once again pointed me in the direction of purpose. Realizing that yes my purpose is to bring more people into the Kingdom, but beyond even that it is to bring more Glory to God. That is his heart.
I have to believe that this pain that I feel that is so strong and sometimes breathtaking, making me stop right where I am would be much stronger if the Father was not carrying most of the burden for me. I think we often forget that he wants me to lay it down, wants me to give it to Him, and I am offering it to him daily. It is the heart of God to take our pain and to heal.
I can remember when my Grandmother "Grammy" who held a very special spot in my heart got the news that she had cancer. I was sophomore in college. That night after the diagnosis, when it was really late I quietly went down to her house (she lived with us) and climbed into her bed and curled up with her. I began crying asking her why God would do this, and all she kept saying was how close she was to the heart of God. As her cancer began to increase and she became sicker there was one night real late that I ran up to the hospital to see if she was doing okay. I quietly opened her door and she was laying awake in her hospital bed. When she saw me she said "Oh Bethy come climb in bed with me." I once again climbed in and we curled up together. I asked her "Gram, why is this happening to you?" and her reply has stayed close to my heart all these years. She stroked my hair, wiped away my tears and said "Oh Bethy if you knew how close I was to Christ right now because of this suffering, you would not feel sorry for me. Be Brave Bethy, Be Brave...."
I have those words written in my Bible, but they are etched into my heart. And with every suffering storm along the journey that we walk, those words get etched in a little deeper. If you allow the storm to sweep you up and you get lost in the grief and self pity you miss what God is trying to show you, His Heart. But if you allow the storm to come, and you crawl on the the Wings of Christ as you began to soar you realize you are getting a glimpse of the fathers heart, he has so many things he want to show you. And as he begins to pour out the wonders and truths, they become the healing balm to your aching heart.
I have to believe that this pain that I feel that is so strong and sometimes breathtaking, making me stop right where I am would be much stronger if the Father was not carrying most of the burden for me. I think we often forget that he wants me to lay it down, wants me to give it to Him, and I am offering it to him daily. It is the heart of God to take our pain and to heal.
I can remember when my Grandmother "Grammy" who held a very special spot in my heart got the news that she had cancer. I was sophomore in college. That night after the diagnosis, when it was really late I quietly went down to her house (she lived with us) and climbed into her bed and curled up with her. I began crying asking her why God would do this, and all she kept saying was how close she was to the heart of God. As her cancer began to increase and she became sicker there was one night real late that I ran up to the hospital to see if she was doing okay. I quietly opened her door and she was laying awake in her hospital bed. When she saw me she said "Oh Bethy come climb in bed with me." I once again climbed in and we curled up together. I asked her "Gram, why is this happening to you?" and her reply has stayed close to my heart all these years. She stroked my hair, wiped away my tears and said "Oh Bethy if you knew how close I was to Christ right now because of this suffering, you would not feel sorry for me. Be Brave Bethy, Be Brave...."
I have those words written in my Bible, but they are etched into my heart. And with every suffering storm along the journey that we walk, those words get etched in a little deeper. If you allow the storm to sweep you up and you get lost in the grief and self pity you miss what God is trying to show you, His Heart. But if you allow the storm to come, and you crawl on the the Wings of Christ as you began to soar you realize you are getting a glimpse of the fathers heart, he has so many things he want to show you. And as he begins to pour out the wonders and truths, they become the healing balm to your aching heart.
Friday, June 6, 2008
walk in the park
So with the ectopic pregnancy, Eddie, it was all a shock and a rush into emergency surgery. With Judah (which is how I am going to be referring to this pregnancy) it has been a shock and then a waiting game. We have four days of waiting, where I am still throwing up, still feeling very pregnant am constantly reminded that I am not carrying a baby. A hard concept to grasp at times. What do we do with these four days? We have stayed in a lot, huddle down and just enjoyed each other and our dogs. We venture out occasionally and I somehow expect the world to know that mine has stopped, but of course that is not what happens. Rather you still see smiling face, laughing children, working people, because life just goes on. But even Kevin and I are still living. We drove over to the park with the dogs and played in the creek, we laughed and giggled and smiled, how can that be in such tragedy? My only explanation is the unexplained joy that comes from the father. I am realizing that Eddie was my wake up but Judah,...Well Judah is saving me. God is revealing more to me now in this fire then I have ever imagined. And I am open, my heart is ready and wanting to hear from the father. I want to know his voice and I am not sure how much I know it, but I beginning to really listen.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.
We were given this verse in Psalms and I am holding onto it with a tight grip-
Psalms 34:18
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit"
And he is so close to us right now.
The only thing I know to do
The only thing I know to do, and the only thing that seems clear in this moment of grief is to write and to share my heart. The only reason I feel I can do this is because I am believing that these storms during the journey are purely to bring more people into the Kingdom of God. I find peace when I think about touching someones life for Christ, then I know it is all worth it.
When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.
When I think about my purpose in life my thoughts always take me to the heart of being a mother. It is interesting to me that I did not always have this heart. Actually in our home (sorry if this offends anyone) We would make fun of those having kids. I mean, we would always be joyful and excited but then we would laugh that their life of freedom was slowing closing in. We took very careful measures to make sure I would not get pregnant, and I can remember if I thought I was we would be a bit scared. These feelings seem so distant and foreign to me now. It seems that one day I woke up and all of the sudden all I desired was a baby to call my own. Nothing else seemed to matter. I did not want to work, I did not want to be anything else. All I wanted was a family of my own. I have to believe that my heart change was from the Lord, that He was allowing me to feel what most women at one point in their lives feel. It took a bit longer for Kevin, he was always open to the idea, and of course always wanted to be a father but I think in his mind he was thinking "we have the rest of our lives." It has been enchanting to sit back and watch my husbands heart change from one day wanting children to the burning desire to be a father. Our hearts began to take on different roles, especially after we found out we were pregnant a year ago.
It took 11 months after loosing Eddie to getting pregnant the second time. For those women who are reading this who struggled getting pregnant, you know my heart when I say each month is a year. A period which is a blessing and sign that you can have babies becomes the dreaded curse at the end of each month. Each pregnancy test that has a negative sign, becomes a slap in the face, each friend that finds out is pregnant becomes salt to the wound, and it never gets easy. I will say that I believe this is the most refining journey a women can go on. We were designed to have children, that is how God created us, so when that is stripped away or challenged in a women's journey it is extremely refining. It makes me ask the question, if I can't be a mother what is my purpose?
And this is what I am beginning to see, if you strip away being a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt and so on what are you left with, what are you really. Our deepest purpose I have to believe goes beyond all those things, yes each one of those standing alone in importance but truly what is deeper then that. People. Their hearts. Their souls. The Kingdom, that is the purpose. Bringing people to God, that is everyones purpose if you are a believer. Sometimes though, it is not the purpose you want, but you are called to. This is a time when the "sacrifice of praise" takes on a new meaning. This storm will be wasted if I don't give glory to God. But it is hard, it is really hard. Some moments my friends are some of the darkest moments I have ever felt. It sounds great, but living it is a whole new journey.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
our hearts at 4am
Dear Family and Friends,
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.
Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!
It is 4am in the morning and Kevin and I find ourselves awake laying in bed with broken hearts. The only thing I know to do is to share with our closest friends and family the journey that God has chosen us once again to walk through. In the midst of heartache we long for our hearts to be vulnerable and honest in hopes to give the Lord God all the praise he deserves. As many of you know Kevin and I have been on the journey of trying to have a child of our own, this has proven to be one of the hardest things either of us have ever gone through. After loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy just a year ago, we started to really pray specific prayers regarding a child. Two months ago our prayer was answered, as I had found a positive pregnancy test thrown away in the trash can (you really have to wait the full 3 minutes I guess....) We were both excited, nervous and overwhelmed with in moments. Each week that passed from that one was nothing more then pure joy as we shared with many of you and our family. Hearing the excitement in everyone voice was music to our ears because we had so longed for that day. I had an ultra sound that proved it was not an ectopic pregnancy and we were once again filled with an unbelievable joy. We started right a way getting the home ready for this little one. I would talk to the baby in the morning, telling it how much I loved it. We would pray over that little one every night for protection and safety, all things any mother and father do who so desperately want to see this child in there arms in the end. We believed it, and in the midst of our still worried hearts we would pray that God would help us with our unbelief.
Yesterday was my OBGYN physical, it is the first appointment of many to come and we were excited, knowing that I was just around 10 weeks we would get to see our baby for the first time and hopefully even see or hear a beautiful heart beat. Everything was looking perfect, everything down to my weight which many of you know in my mind is not perfect but my DR. was so pleased. As we waited for her to get the U/S (ultra sound) ready we were all babbling about how exciting this was going to be. And in a matter of seconds our live's were altered as there was no baby in my uterus, instead there was abnormal tissue swelling in my uterus. We knew immediately that something was wrong as my Dr. began to say how sorry she was over and over again. My only response in that moment was to make sure it was not a dream then I began to pray and praise my God. If you want more information as to what this is you can look up Molar Pregnancy for all the harsh details that I do not have energy to do.
Now I am left in a state of unbelief and in so many ways feel lost and not sure which direction I need to go. Kevin and I are both deeply hurt, our hearts hurting so badly as we grieve what we thought was a little baby and our grief of once again letting Go of our dreams for God dreams. I know God did not intend to do this, he is a good God, who loves his children. He did not set out to attack Kevin and I, In fact I know that I know that I know God was in that dr. .office room as we found out holding our hands, catching our tears and crying right there with his children. He did not do this to me, he allowed it to happen knowing that Kevin and I will not curse our God, will not back down, and will not give up believing in the God who performs miracles and loves us deeply. God is using us to hopefully reach others with his amazing love, these are the real times, when your faith becomes real, and my faith is real..
I have surgery Monday Morning at 10am. If you believe in prayer we need it, and if you don't believe in prayer maybe you should. Although this is an outpatient surgery, this is a risky procedure, as they go into my uterus to remove the tissue there is a chances I will hemorrhage and they will have to remove my uterus, which we are asking the Lord that this not happen. There is also a risk of getting cancer cells from the tissue that leaks into my bloodstream, if this happens I have do go through Chemo therapy, we are also praying this does not happen. We need your support and love more then anything. Kevin and I have always said that our lives are not our own, that they are Gods to use however he sees fit, we will not question, doubt or accuse our God for this. He already knows how much we are hurting and I truly believe he is hurting with us. We will praise God because where praise is the presence of the Lord is and where the presence of the Lord is Satan CANNOT DWELL, so our home will be a home of praise as we grieve the loss of this pregnancy. We know that there was never a life with me, but there was a pregnancy, and we loved something very much that was never there so for me and for Kevin we decided to once again to name this little pregnancy Judah- Judah means praise. We feel it is fitting for where we are.
Tomorrow- or rather today is Kevin and I 4 year anniversary. This happend last year as well, I was just getting home form the hospital and healing over our last anniversary. They are special to us, I told Kevin tonight I would not trade anything for our marriage, we are best friends tied so close to the heart that no one can get in, we are each others comfort, I could not go through this if my marriage was not were it is. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. In the midst of trial God gives you things to hold onto, I am so glad mine is Kevin. Thank you Lord!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Happy Birthday Eddie Boy
Eddie-
You are our first little one, I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant with you and joy filled my heart. From the moment I found out I was in love with you. I would sit and dream about what you would look like and what we would name you. I only got to experience you growing within me for 17 short days, they were precious and heart wrenching as we felt deep within that God was going to take you to be with him. You were ten weeks old, had little hands with ten little fingers and little feet with ten little toes, you had a beautiful heart beat and the Doctors say you were an active baby growing big because you made my levels rise so high. You have influenced our lives making us appreciate every moment God gives us. You were and still are a gift that no one can ever take away, you are precious to Kevin and I and we love you now and will love you every day until we get to see you in heaven. You made me a mother and for that I am forever grateful. Happy birthday little one!
You are our first little one, I remember the first time I found out I was pregnant with you and joy filled my heart. From the moment I found out I was in love with you. I would sit and dream about what you would look like and what we would name you. I only got to experience you growing within me for 17 short days, they were precious and heart wrenching as we felt deep within that God was going to take you to be with him. You were ten weeks old, had little hands with ten little fingers and little feet with ten little toes, you had a beautiful heart beat and the Doctors say you were an active baby growing big because you made my levels rise so high. You have influenced our lives making us appreciate every moment God gives us. You were and still are a gift that no one can ever take away, you are precious to Kevin and I and we love you now and will love you every day until we get to see you in heaven. You made me a mother and for that I am forever grateful. Happy birthday little one!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
What did you do over Memorial Day weekend??
This is Kevin - typing my 2nd blog ever, Every 3 months seems about a good amount of time for me to take a break and tell you what I've been up to. Seems like every spring time, for some reason or another I get suckered into doing a large project on my house. This year it is putting this:
Into this:
And this:
And this:
Into this:
And this:
And this:
Yup 39 boxes of Maple floors are going into the house. It wil look nice and we got a great deal on the floors, but it will take some time to make it happen.
We'll post pictures of the final product when it's all in - it may be a few weeks (months)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Every Second Counts
Part II of my story
I got up early the next morning before my alarm was set to go off, to get ready to leave. As I was lying in bed I was talking to the Lord about how each second of my day is planned. If I left ten minutes later maybe I would hit a car that would not have been there If only I had left ten minutes earlier. So I was asking the Lord what time he wanted me to leave. I got up packed up and headed on my eight hour drive. An hour down the road I pulled over and threw up, not a great start to my day. I must of pulled over a hundred times to pee and every place I pulled over it was an exit where the gas station was 2 miles down the road. Then I pulled over to fill up my 64 ounce jug of water with ice, and of course had to go to the bathroom so I took my heavy jug in with me. Not wanting to put it on the floor I propped it up on the toilet paper thing just for a second so I could get situated then I was going to hold it, but I did not get the chance to hold it because it fell and hit my eye and gave me a one inch gash and a swollen eye. I sat and cried and kept asking the Lord why this trip home was so hard. I finally pulled into my driveway 10 ½ hours later. Stressed, bruised and upset, but home. Kevin’s cousin was in town and they decided to go and get pizza so I decided to take a walk. The dogs and I started our walk around our neighborhood when I turned down a street and saw a young girl, all dressed up sitting on her luggage, a ton of luggage. I first passed her and noticed she was crying but would not look at me, when I came back around I asked her if she was okay. She quickly said no and told me she needed to charge her phone and the only way she could do that was with a car because she only had a car phone charger. I told her I would get my car and come back to her. I quickly walked home called Kevin explained what was happening and got in the car. As I pulled up, her first response to me was “thank you for coming back..” I asked her if there was anything else I could do and she asked if I would take her to the airport and I of course said yes. So we stuffed all her luggage in my car and started our short drive.
I asked her what was wrong and here is her story….
“….I am from Chicago, I was working for a pimp when he became abusive. I tried to get away but could not afford to go anywhere until I met a family here in North Carolina who said they would give me a job and help me out. So I came here and lived with them and trusted them but they stole all my money and all my things and kicked me out and told me to never come back again. I don’t know anyone here so I did know who to call. Now I am worthless, I have sold my body, given everything away and have nothing to show for it. I am worth nothing and can never do anything with my life, who is ever going to want me.”
As I sat there and listened to her in awe, my heart began to break with the fathers love. There was no condemnation, no judgment, all there was, was love. There was nothing but pure heartbroken love for this child of God. So I told her that, I told her that Jesus loved her that he was crying out to her and he did not care about her past he wanted her future. She said that her parents would fly her back to Chicago if she would go to school and live at home and that was what she was going to go and do. I dropped her off at the airport with my phone number a hug and an I love you. As I pulled away I prayed for this child, that she would know Christ, because that is all that matters.
Then I was reminded of my day, how from the start I gave my day to God for him to use. So now I challenge you, the next time you get stopped in traffic, are running late, get behind a slow person or things don’t go as planned, open your eyes up to what the Lord is doing, because you don’t want to pass the person God wanted you to meet because you were to concerned about the meeting of dinner you were running late for!
I got up early the next morning before my alarm was set to go off, to get ready to leave. As I was lying in bed I was talking to the Lord about how each second of my day is planned. If I left ten minutes later maybe I would hit a car that would not have been there If only I had left ten minutes earlier. So I was asking the Lord what time he wanted me to leave. I got up packed up and headed on my eight hour drive. An hour down the road I pulled over and threw up, not a great start to my day. I must of pulled over a hundred times to pee and every place I pulled over it was an exit where the gas station was 2 miles down the road. Then I pulled over to fill up my 64 ounce jug of water with ice, and of course had to go to the bathroom so I took my heavy jug in with me. Not wanting to put it on the floor I propped it up on the toilet paper thing just for a second so I could get situated then I was going to hold it, but I did not get the chance to hold it because it fell and hit my eye and gave me a one inch gash and a swollen eye. I sat and cried and kept asking the Lord why this trip home was so hard. I finally pulled into my driveway 10 ½ hours later. Stressed, bruised and upset, but home. Kevin’s cousin was in town and they decided to go and get pizza so I decided to take a walk. The dogs and I started our walk around our neighborhood when I turned down a street and saw a young girl, all dressed up sitting on her luggage, a ton of luggage. I first passed her and noticed she was crying but would not look at me, when I came back around I asked her if she was okay. She quickly said no and told me she needed to charge her phone and the only way she could do that was with a car because she only had a car phone charger. I told her I would get my car and come back to her. I quickly walked home called Kevin explained what was happening and got in the car. As I pulled up, her first response to me was “thank you for coming back..” I asked her if there was anything else I could do and she asked if I would take her to the airport and I of course said yes. So we stuffed all her luggage in my car and started our short drive.
I asked her what was wrong and here is her story….
“….I am from Chicago, I was working for a pimp when he became abusive. I tried to get away but could not afford to go anywhere until I met a family here in North Carolina who said they would give me a job and help me out. So I came here and lived with them and trusted them but they stole all my money and all my things and kicked me out and told me to never come back again. I don’t know anyone here so I did know who to call. Now I am worthless, I have sold my body, given everything away and have nothing to show for it. I am worth nothing and can never do anything with my life, who is ever going to want me.”
As I sat there and listened to her in awe, my heart began to break with the fathers love. There was no condemnation, no judgment, all there was, was love. There was nothing but pure heartbroken love for this child of God. So I told her that, I told her that Jesus loved her that he was crying out to her and he did not care about her past he wanted her future. She said that her parents would fly her back to Chicago if she would go to school and live at home and that was what she was going to go and do. I dropped her off at the airport with my phone number a hug and an I love you. As I pulled away I prayed for this child, that she would know Christ, because that is all that matters.
Then I was reminded of my day, how from the start I gave my day to God for him to use. So now I challenge you, the next time you get stopped in traffic, are running late, get behind a slow person or things don’t go as planned, open your eyes up to what the Lord is doing, because you don’t want to pass the person God wanted you to meet because you were to concerned about the meeting of dinner you were running late for!
Dumpster Diving (you know you want too....)
Oh I just have to share this story with you guys. Last week I went and visited my good friend Jamie, and what a week it was. First of all I drove eight hours down there last Monday; this actually was not that bad. Once I got down there it was great and Jamie and I had so much fun. I even got to see Jodi which was a blast.
Now many of you don’t know this but Kevin and I have actually become amazing dumpster divers. What is this you may ask? Well here is the correct vocab for exactly what we do… “Dumpster diving is the practice of sifting through commercial or residential trash to find items that have been discarded by their owners, but which may be useful to the Dumpster diver.”
Oh gross you may say, but actually you would be surprised as to what Kevin and I have found here are just a few examples….
Webkinz (8 brand new) beanie babies, L.L Bean bags (brand new), Toys still in package, Christmas ribbon (brand new), folders and cards, paper shredder, office chair (still in box worth $200), Rope, knee pads (for working on laying floors and stuff….a kev find!) lights, blankets, craft supplies, dog food, dog treats, dog toys, burts bees soap, organic body wash, calendars (2008) and the list goes on.
I have actually taken loads of stuff to Goodwill just to get back into the system. Where do you go? May be the next question on your mind, well we go all kinds of places however our most successful visits have been, Michaels, Office Max and Depot, Kmart, Dollar General, Hallmark….
We go late at night and we try not to draw any attention. I looked this up to see if this was illegal and could not find anything that says so, so we always just try to stay in the dark and leave when we see someone coming. It is a rush and so much fun.
Now while in PA I had told Jamie about this and she was just dying to go, and so was her neighbor who is 7 months pregnant. So we decided to make it a girls night out and we go dumpster diving. Jamie’s husband was having a hard time with this and was afraid we would get arrested, however when Jamie brought home a Leather office chair still in the box he was a little more encouraging the next time we decided to go.
We kept joking that it would be so crazy if we did get arrested….but I never thought cops would really pull us over. However we decided to go by one last place and we noticed a cop in front of all the stores, we thought it would be no big deal because we go behind the stores. Jamie was out of the car with a head lamp on looking through a dumpster when we see the cop car pull around the corner. We yelled for Jamie to get back in the car but by the time she did his lights were already on and his spot light was right on our car. We were all flipping out not sure as to what would happen. Before he comes to our door, three other cops show up with there lights on us and we are completely surrounded.
The cop approaches my car with his flashlight and is very unhappy to see us, when asked what we were doing I say… “Have you ever seen the Oprah show?” (Note to all who know I gave up Oprah, this is before I banded he show…just so you know”)
Cop replies “Uh…yes?”
Me “Well a couple of months ago she had this show on about freegans and well these people go….”
Cop “Don’t tell me you girls are out dumpster Diving?”
All of us “Yes…is this illegal?”
He just starts laughing tells all the other cops that they can go, that three girls, one who is pregnant is dumpster diving. He sits and talks to us for almost 20min about all the great stuff he has found and the dumpsters to check out. Checks our id’s and sends us on our way. It was an exciting night but not as exciting as my next day.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Daniel Bradley
One of the greatest gifts God has given me is Daniel. He is a brother to me and I have had the privilege to walk along side Daniel and his family as God has performed miracle after miracle with Daniel! Daniel is starting to write down his journey- he wants to share his story with others. Please check out his new website http://manifestglory.blogspot.com/. I get together with Daniel weekly and that is when we will try and update it! It is worth passing along and reading. Hope you are all challenged and inspired as I am by Daniels story!
Monday, April 28, 2008
30 minute till
I am on my way to the dr. in a few minutes and I wanted to sit down once more and write out my thoughts. I was up until 2:30am last night with some cramping. This of course brings on the ifs, remembering the past, and of course fear. All of these things are not of the Lord. I have really been struggling with staying focused on the Lord, he has done this amazing thing for us and now I am fearful, WHY? Many of you would probably tell me that it is okay to be scared, I mean I almost lost my life last time, but i cannot allow Satan to take my joy. No matter what happens to me I believe in a big God, and I know everything is in his hands, his control and I know that he loves me and this baby. I refuse to live in the past, to stay there in fear and not enjoy this baby for as long as God allows me to carry them. I pray with my whole heart that I get to bring this baby to its earthly home, that we get to look into their eyes and see who we think they look like. But this baby is not mine, they are the Lords from day one I must leave my hands open. I want this child to have a heart for the Lord so I freely give this child back to God daily. I will be honored if the Lord allows Kevin and I the privilege of being this child's parents, but ultimately God is this child's father, he has the final say in this child's life. I believe this is something I will be grasping for the rest of my life!
My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and anticipation of the days, weeks, months and years to come!
My heart is so overwhelmed with joy and anticipation of the days, weeks, months and years to come!
Friday, April 25, 2008
April 25 2008
Well, what can I say I am in complete awe of Gods power. I am writing this post but will probably not post it for a couple of weeks. If you are reading this post now then you are just finding out that I am pregnant! I wanted to write down my thoughts only have found out a couple of minutes ago so I wont forget what I am feeling in this moment.
7:45am-
I got up this morning and it is day 41 in my cycle with only a little cramping but still no sign pregnancies. I decided I would go ahead and take a test just to make sure. Kevin is a smart husband and after a couple of months after we lost Eddie he noticed how many pregnancies tests we went through. So he got online and order packs 25, they are tests without the plastic and have no real name brand...they are kind of funny but I sure go through them. I decided just to use one of those, it came up neg. pretty quick and as always I was disappointed and through it into the trash and went about my day.
12:45pm
I went by to see Daniel Bradley and Wendy. They have been such huge believers and encourager's in my life. They remind me all the time to not put my faith in what I see. Wendy asked how I was doing and if I had gotten my period yet. I told her no but I also told her that my pregnancies tests were coming up negative. She and Daniel of course rebuked those words and said they do not put their trust in pregnancies test but in the Lord. Daniel also reminded me that doubt always enters when we are not in the Lords presence and I really had not been in the Lords presence the past couple of days, I have been letting satan remind me of the past and hold me there. Satan has no power over us, I quench every fiery dart the wicked one slays against me......
7:45pm
Kevin and I have been having a relaxing evening. not much happening at all. We were getting ready to leave to go walk around Lowes so I ran upstairs to go to bathroom, I decided to check the pregnancy test -- I really cannot tell you why but I dug it out of the trash and held up and what to do I see but a positive preg. test. I called Kevin upstairs disbelief of what I was seeing. He was not sure what to think either so I quick pulled out a regular pregnancy test of of the closet to see what it would say. As Kevin and I waited those few seconds we could not believe what our eyes were seeing. There on the pregnancy test were two beautiful lines making a beautiful cross! It was positive.
Now:
I am amazed, why do we doubt our big and amazing God? We had specifically prayed that this would be the month that I was pregnant, that I would not have to get my fallopian tube tested...and I am. It was so unexpected which is exactly how the Lord loves to work~
We will keep you posted on this new journey of ours!
7:45am-
I got up this morning and it is day 41 in my cycle with only a little cramping but still no sign pregnancies. I decided I would go ahead and take a test just to make sure. Kevin is a smart husband and after a couple of months after we lost Eddie he noticed how many pregnancies tests we went through. So he got online and order packs 25, they are tests without the plastic and have no real name brand...they are kind of funny but I sure go through them. I decided just to use one of those, it came up neg. pretty quick and as always I was disappointed and through it into the trash and went about my day.
12:45pm
I went by to see Daniel Bradley and Wendy. They have been such huge believers and encourager's in my life. They remind me all the time to not put my faith in what I see. Wendy asked how I was doing and if I had gotten my period yet. I told her no but I also told her that my pregnancies tests were coming up negative. She and Daniel of course rebuked those words and said they do not put their trust in pregnancies test but in the Lord. Daniel also reminded me that doubt always enters when we are not in the Lords presence and I really had not been in the Lords presence the past couple of days, I have been letting satan remind me of the past and hold me there. Satan has no power over us, I quench every fiery dart the wicked one slays against me......
7:45pm
Kevin and I have been having a relaxing evening. not much happening at all. We were getting ready to leave to go walk around Lowes so I ran upstairs to go to bathroom, I decided to check the pregnancy test -- I really cannot tell you why but I dug it out of the trash and held up and what to do I see but a positive preg. test. I called Kevin upstairs disbelief of what I was seeing. He was not sure what to think either so I quick pulled out a regular pregnancy test of of the closet to see what it would say. As Kevin and I waited those few seconds we could not believe what our eyes were seeing. There on the pregnancy test were two beautiful lines making a beautiful cross! It was positive.
Now:
I am amazed, why do we doubt our big and amazing God? We had specifically prayed that this would be the month that I was pregnant, that I would not have to get my fallopian tube tested...and I am. It was so unexpected which is exactly how the Lord loves to work~
We will keep you posted on this new journey of ours!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Oh what a day...
Oh the Joy......
I got my front tooth pulled and now I have braces for 18 months, look like I am 15 and as I left the Doctors the nurse said, "Oh Beth, think about it...it is like having two pregnancies back to back...."
I responded "I would much rather have two pregnancies then this...."
I will keep my head up and my eyes on Christ, my beauty does not come from outward appearance but from within, my encouragement does not come from Mans mouth but the mouth of the Lord
"We wait in HOPE for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts REJOICE,
for we trust in His holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord
even as we put our hope in you."
Psalm 33:20-22
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What a blessing...
I had such a good time with my best friend Jamie and her husband Brian, and there little 6mo old daughter Charlotte Rose! Here is a recap of the amazing weekend
This is Charlotte Trying on her new outfit from Aunt B, it looked really cute but did not fit her in the legs...she could only stand in it!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Tests
Our good friend Jamie and Brian and there little 6mo old girl came to visit us from PA. They arrived early....early this morning. Jamie called to let me know how close they were, they were about 2 hrs away. As I laid awake in bed anticipating there arrival I could not help but think that maybe I was pregnant. Sometimes during these long months my mind and body plays tricks on me, and sometimes I really feel as though I am pregnant. I try not to get my hopes up but for two weeks Kevin and I will really think that maybe this is the month. I am having one of those months, so as I laid in bed I kept praying to the Lord "please this month, please..." I decided to end my anxious thoughts and get up and take a pregnancy test. I enjoy doing them when no one knows because then I am the only one disappointed and holding the truth for that moment. As I was getting ready to get out of bed God laid Psalm22:5 on my heart, so before I began my journey in the bathroom I ran downstairs to grab my Bible. As I opened up to this chapter it dawned on me that this is the very same chapter God gave me right after he took home our first born. I begin to get emotional as I remembered reading this not long ago. Vrs 5 goes on to say "they cried to you and were saved, in you they trusted and were not disappointed" after reading this I was convinced that God had given that verse to me because I was about to find out that I was pregnant. As I waited the few seconds for the test to register one or two lines I held it high into the air and prayed in my heart" I believe God, I believe that you can work miracles I believe it is your desire for me to pregnant and in you we will never be disappointed..." I brought the test down to eye level and opened my eyes, once again in my hands laid a negative test. What do you do in that moment? It is always a choice, it is also a choice when we find out that someone else just got pregnant, and really did not try hard at all...it is a choice to either curse God because he did not "Perform" the way I asked him to or to praise him because you truly believe in your heart and in that moment that if you trust in God you WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. I truly believe that we will not be disappointed because Kevin and I believe in God, we believe in his power, his love and his infinite wisdom. So even though I cried, even though it is hard, even though it feels as though our turn will never come, I will praise him. But please for me and Kevin if you have children give them an extra hug, hold on to them tight, and praise the Lord for them. And the next time you think about complaining about a late night, or inconvenience of your children take a second and think about the couples who would give anything for a sleepless night to just hear their baby cry.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dreaming
Below are photos of Kevin and I when we were babies. I know these are not the photos you wish to see when you check my...excuse me... our blog but I of course have been dreaming of what our children would maybe look like. Kevin and I are praying hard about when to start the adoption process. We both feel as though adoption is definitely in our future we are just so unsure about the time God wants us to take the steps forward. This journey God has us on has been one of the hardest things I have ever been through. With that said I have to say that I would not change one thing about the journey, not even loosing Eddie. It has brought us unexplained joy and anticipation to see what God has in store for us!
I know this picture of me looks like I am probably about 6 months old but I was probably just coming home from the hospital....
There is hope though, here is a picture of my sister Grace and I, look I get a bit cuter I think. Look at what a blondie I am, makes me wonder if our kids have any hope of being blond...
Ah...look at how cute, once again he looks as though is his 7 or 8 months old but I am pretty sure he was just born...I know he looks Mexican, I can promise you he is not (not that there is anything wrong with that)
I think in this picture Kevin is around 6 or 7 months old....not really... I believe my babies would be pretty big considering Kevin was born just under 12lbs and I was close to 10lbs...I expect our children to come out walking and potty trained!
Whether God brings children through my womb or through adoption they will be our children and God already knows them by name and we are already praying they have a heart after His. Hope you enjoyed!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
God Bless America!
Yes, it is I Kevin typing my inaugural Blog. Beth has been hounding me for days to write something, so here goes:
February and March are by far the two worst months of the year for someone like me. The Superbowl ended a fantastic football season, and baseball won't be starting for another month or so. I know that most of you are asking "what about March Madness, and NASCAR?" Well - as a Colorado Native, and a Colorado University Alumni, my school has NEVER been a contender in the NCAA tournament, the closest our state has ever been to college basketball Stardom, was last year when the Air Force Falcons made it to the final four...of the NIT. Yup our state was proud to have the 70th best basketball program in the nation.
And sorry all you Carolina natives - I just can't do NASCAR, if I wanted to watch a bunch of middle aged men go in circles and talk like rednecks, I'd just go to the local flea market.
I don't think I've ever been so excited to watch baseball as I am now, let's see what the Rockies can do after that fantastic run at the end of the year in 2007.
With no sports getting in the way, I have been real busy between working, fixing our house, working at our new church building, and pumping iron (for those of you keeping score at home, I worked out yesterday for the first time in almost 3 months.)
My work is very exciting right now, I have about 10 different projects that I am juggling, some are multi-million dollar opportunities for our company, most of them I'm working with people from all across the world. This is the first March since 2003 when I was not interviewing for a job at least 1000 miles away from home, it's real nice to be at a job that I love, and I don't have to worry about moving.
Our church (seen here: http://www.breakthroughwoc.org/) recently moved into a new building, and they put me in charge of building a stage. After many hours working with the pastor and a few other dedicated men, we actually have a good looking stage. I know that God will use what we built to minister to many, and bring many men and women into the kingdom.
I know you want to know more about what's going on in the world of Kevin. But as a wise man once said, "always leave them wanting more." Hopefully that's the case, and you'll be back in about 3 years when I complete my next blog.
Thanks for reading,
-KT
February and March are by far the two worst months of the year for someone like me. The Superbowl ended a fantastic football season, and baseball won't be starting for another month or so. I know that most of you are asking "what about March Madness, and NASCAR?" Well - as a Colorado Native, and a Colorado University Alumni, my school has NEVER been a contender in the NCAA tournament, the closest our state has ever been to college basketball Stardom, was last year when the Air Force Falcons made it to the final four...of the NIT. Yup our state was proud to have the 70th best basketball program in the nation.
And sorry all you Carolina natives - I just can't do NASCAR, if I wanted to watch a bunch of middle aged men go in circles and talk like rednecks, I'd just go to the local flea market.
I don't think I've ever been so excited to watch baseball as I am now, let's see what the Rockies can do after that fantastic run at the end of the year in 2007.
With no sports getting in the way, I have been real busy between working, fixing our house, working at our new church building, and pumping iron (for those of you keeping score at home, I worked out yesterday for the first time in almost 3 months.)
My work is very exciting right now, I have about 10 different projects that I am juggling, some are multi-million dollar opportunities for our company, most of them I'm working with people from all across the world. This is the first March since 2003 when I was not interviewing for a job at least 1000 miles away from home, it's real nice to be at a job that I love, and I don't have to worry about moving.
Our church (seen here: http://www.breakthroughwoc.org/) recently moved into a new building, and they put me in charge of building a stage. After many hours working with the pastor and a few other dedicated men, we actually have a good looking stage. I know that God will use what we built to minister to many, and bring many men and women into the kingdom.
I know you want to know more about what's going on in the world of Kevin. But as a wise man once said, "always leave them wanting more." Hopefully that's the case, and you'll be back in about 3 years when I complete my next blog.
Thanks for reading,
-KT
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Our First Blog Together
So I started this blog a year ago for my students out in Colorado. I decided to post my link on Facebook, which yes I am a facebook user (Kevin wants to mention that he is NOT!). I had no idea that so many people and family members would visit to read up on our blog. Kevin was not to excited to hear that people thought it was OUR blog considering it was all about Beth and it was pink. So because of marriage and the learning to give a 110% I decided to make it our blog, and in turn he said he would "maybe" post something. As I write this now, Kevin my husband who I lovingly changed my blog for, is sitting in the corner of the office making sure he agrees with everything and making suggestions once in a while. So I ask Kevin, What would you like the bloggers of the blogging world to know? His response...delayed pause...blank stare and then with a no enthusiasm he states "God bless America..." This my friends and family is why I have never included my husband into the blogging world. He is good at reading my blogs and always seems to have a generous suggestion yet when asked to participate in the blog he says "God bless America..." then throws his hands into the air and says "that's all...."
Until next time my friends...we will see if we can ever get Kevin to blog!
Until next time my friends...we will see if we can ever get Kevin to blog!
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