Parenting and Caregiver

Caregiver verses parent. 

I’ve been processing this a lot in my heart, mind...soul. Is there a difference In caretaker and parenting? When you have a child who struggles, I think there might be. 

If someone from the outside observed our family we look like we are in the middle throws of parenthood. No more babies, and kids that are tiptoeing on the edge of preteen and attitude, Ok you are right there is no tiptoeing when it comes to the eye rolling, or attitude. It’s here people, it’s all right here. They would observe a slightly crazed mama, And a very calm (and sexiest) dad there ever was. They would see 4 boys and would probably try to figure out their ages and which set is twins, or maybe there are two sets of twins, or maybe there’s a friend mixed in...In any case I’m quite certain they would observe, a Whole heck of a lot of boys. They would maybe even think “normal.”  I don’t think in the small amount of observing they would know that one has severe ADHD, and one has ASD (autism spectrum disorder). For this I sing my praises. In the autism world of parenting  I feel a sense of camaraderie but also respect and acknowledgment, that kids who are high functioning are greatly different but still challenging in the world of autism. But I would also say I would never ever compare parenting my High functioning child to a  nonverbal child, different, and respectfully different parenting/caregiving needs. 

But lately my heart has been processing how many times I swing from mama (which is always there) to a caregiver. Because my ASD Child needs me so differently then my other three. And on occasion my ADHD child needs a caregiver over a mama. Is there a difference?  Well in my world there is. And until you have walked a mile into raising children with special needs I don’t think all the books in the world can help you understand the difference. And as a parent and caregiver your heart is so flipped and emotional for all the different ways it’s pulled in a matter of a day...hour...minute. 

My ASD kid needs me so so many times through his day, not only to provide comfort but sometimes as the caregiver to the ASD, And not the child. But they are acutely tied and wrapped together like a dread on a hippy. And when you try to pull it apart and Analyze it  you mine as well sign up for endless counseling and deep deep Swedish therapy (or just shave the hippies head...).

Today for the first time on vacation I’m alone, on a lake, with no kids. It took talking and re talking and plans, and preparations for my ASD kid to get in the boat with out his mama and his caregiver. And as great as everyone tries to be and even is, even the calm daddy, I’m the mama, and I’m the one with him 24 hours a day. I’m the one thinking 500 hundred steps ahead to avoid a melt down when I lose him and can’t get him back. I’m the one who constantly has a backpack with anxiety meds knowing at any moment he might need it, I’m the one who can transition from mama to caregiver to talk about what’s happening. My mama heart breaks, my caregiver heart reacts, and my “just who I am” exhausts and becomes weary. 

And even though I’m on constant caregiver mind 24 hours a day, I also miss things or my ASD Predictably Unpredictable child throws me for a loop that I’m not prepared for. Like tubing for three hours and having to stop and then getting stranded with an emotional high stressed child. And sometimes my caregiver, mama, power suits fade away and “Beth, just who I am” is exposed and I lose myself to tears right along side of my ASD child and let me just tell you in case you don’t know that is the absolute very worst thing you can do. But sometimes, flesh out wins.  exhaustion out wins, and that’s when grace comes blowing through the brokenness. 

Maybe because we have been on vacation for 8 days with the ASD and ADHD children, maybe it’s because I’m tired or exhausted or because vacation and adventure are really difficult things for our family. Or maybe it’s because for the first time in who knows when I’m alone, to gather the running thoughts and actually try to make sense of them. 

My high function ASD child doesn’t have a shirt or hat that explains to people why this man child is crying and begging to burn the tube he is currently in, or my ADHD kid is sitting in the middle of the path angry and frustrated that he can’t catch a fish....there is no explaining- there is just reacting but as a mama my heart is defensive for my kids who seem as normal as the next. Except no child is normal as the next, all children throw us for loops like a hoolah hoop on a circus clown. But when in my world, that’s several hoops on a clown on an elephant while the elephant stands on his hein legs and does some kind of very precarious turn/dance/ awkward not normal thing.... whew....see what I mean- no wonder I fall a part next to my crying child in the middle of Steamboat next to a river on a tube in the middle of muddy grass and just cry and cry and cry (and revert back to a child and call her own mama bawling....) Because it’s a lot (just like that run on sentence) and exhausting, and sad. Especially when said ASD child says “mom I hate that I can’t just do it, my heart wants to but my brain can’t and nobody understands.” And then I cry harder and then we become the circus in the middle of down town Steamboat Springs for all the people observing the crazed mom and the crying man child. It’s reality, and its wonderfully and brilliantly beautiful and grief covered, and messy. But isn’t that life? 

I guess when it all comes somewhat clear, I mean goggles under water clear, you realize that’s why we have endless amounts of Grace from a Father who cares about the meltdown circus. And it’s why, you who experience the elephant circus, give a certain grace to a parent who has the older child who won’t put the mask on (ASD probs) or the older child throwing a tantrum (ADHD probs) or the mom who doesn’t make eye contact in the target line....(extroverted gone introverted mom probs) because from a distant friends- they seem normal, but reality is they are dealing with some kind of circus that you can’t see. So offer grace, not judgement. (Or a coffee, or gift card, or tissue...) 

For me, when I step out of my “mama gone caregiver” attire, what usually is revealed is the tired, over exhausted, and defensive Beth. I don’t mean to be, but my reality seems to be always defending the circus- why they hippie only has 4 dreadlocks left, and a patchy bald head....or why I rarely step away from my kids, why I’m obsessed with routine, why I don’t handle “spur of the moment changes,” why I’m not always good at handling all the unpredictable moments, because I’m constantly trying to stay ahead of the stampede that is ASD, ADHD, moments that will need my caregiver/mama, moments. 

So grace. And always Jesus...and endless coffee. 

Until the next blog post (another several years) this is Beth, defensive-caregiver-hippie gone bald-Hula hoop on elephant- mama. 

Shifting and Standing STILL.

Brokenness, desperation, unknows, fearful, risks, insecurity, humbleness, loneliness, loss....

These are just some of the words that come to mind as Kevin and I process the last several months of our life.

When we moved to GA 4 years ago we had no idea just how much we would love it here. We felt at home, like this was always where we were suppose to be. Kevin moved from working in a big engineering company to a start up business with his boss that he has worked with for over 10 years.  It truly felt as though dreams were coming true and that this would be our forever.  We knew that we would love to find our forever home, that the house we were currently in was just not our style or where we wanted to raise the boys to come home to as their family years ended.  We wanted to find a house that would be the root of where the kids always find a way back to.

And  If you know anything about Kevin and I you know that we don't like anything ordinary, we always look for things with quirks and character. The house we were in was grand and beautiful but it just wasn't us.  So for the last 2 years we went on a hunt for our forever home, because we really felt like setting down roots for the boys to grow in was so important. We also knew that Kevin's job could change at any moment. It was as startup funded by a parent company that at any point could have the right to shut it down.  From day 1 it felt risky, and it continued feeling risky by year 3.

When we found this property we had a major choice to make. We could let the unknowns of his job dictate our future, or be obedient to God to put down roots for these boys to grow.  Kevin said when we put the offer in on the property that he really felt like he was laying down his job to no longer be the deciding factor.

We bought the property without selling our house, this felt incredibly scary and risky, but the tug on our hearts from God was so much greater.  We listed our house and sold it in 48 hours, the very next day of receiving an offer we found out that they were shutting down Iron Direct.  All of the sudden we felt the foundation we were standing on begin to shift. And God wasn't done yet, my health was shaking, the job was shaking, the move was shaking, we  felt so shaken when we lost a beloved grandfather suddenly, and even relationships we cherished were shaking.   In a matter of 4 weeks our life got flipped upside down.

We closed on our house in Fayetteville and that night as Kevin and I processed everything he said "I hate we worry so much, but boy that was scary." For two weeks we owned two houses and knew that his job was ending.

I wish this is the part of the blog that I tell you how everything turned out. However, it is not. We don't know if God will ask us to place the property on the altar and be asked to move. We don't know what type of job or when Kevin will get his next job. We don't know how my hysterectomy will turn out once I am recovered and if it will alleviate all of my pain, we don't know when we will be able to be with our family as they grieve a father, husband and grandfather, and we don't know how relationships will settle once everything is calm.

Right now we are safe within the ark of His protection, but the storm is raging and it is scary and unpredictable and incredibly out of our control 

Daily I am reminded of God's never ending presence in our life. He is not shaking, He is not moving, He is not scared, insecure, worried or fearful for our future. I can feel God resting His mighty hand over our family. I can feel Him changing both Kevin and I as we push into the security of who He is not who this world has to offer. We know that with the shifting of our lives comes beauty and refined gold. When hold onto the promises that when He takes away He restores back.

9 years ago we were asked to walk an unimaginably hard journey of losing two babies and the fear of not being able to get pregnant. Kevin and I have felt the same deep sorrow and grief in this journey. We are so thankful we have the promises of "remember when..." to look back on.

Remember when we lost two babies? Remember when doctors were not even sure I could ever get pregnant? Remember when I almost died and was rushed into surgery to remove a baby and a fallopian tube? Remember when what we thought was a beautiful boy ended up being toxic cells that could turn to cancer? Remember when the company Kevin worked for shut down in Asheville? Remember when we had to leave everything comfortable to move to a town that was overrun with golf carts?
Remember when God gave us 5 acres to raise not 1, 2, or 3 boys but 4 miracle upon  miracle boys?

Remember when.

My mom gave us their verse that stood on when similar things were taking place in their lives:

Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! 1 Samuel 12:16

I am praying this verse as well:

6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

See, I have seen God at work in so many areas of our lives, I also have seen God at work in the lives of dear beloved family around us. We may not know what our future holds, but I do know our future is secure in the palm of Jesus. I do know who He created us to be, who this family will be, and the legacy this family will hold.

I look at my husband and could not be more proud or more in love with him then I am today. He is a strong and mighty Oak tree with roots so deep within the foundation of our God. I know my boys see this, I know people watching see this. That, that is more precious than money, job title, or security in anything this world has to offer.

So if you see us, encounter us, watch us, your might see broken people, because we are, so very broken. You might see worry, overwhelmingness, and maybe at times even fear. But do not mistake that for a lack hope, a deep stirring in our hearts, or a revival happen in our little home with our little family. We are so very hopeful, so very thankful, and so very blessed.

Now we will heal (especially me physically from a very intense surgery...) we will gain strength, we worship, we will praise and we will "stand STILL and see the great and mighty thing the Lord our God is about to do!" Join us in watching!

Land and Boys

I sit tonight  in my bed with a laptop popped open, a kid leaning on my shoulder, one kid on my legs, the tv on, computer on, dogs barking, kids screaming, shower running, noise-chaotic-filled home. I have a billion thoughts running through my mind at a million miles a minute. I can't complete one thought.

I bounce between praying through difficult situations dear friends are facing to how I am going to thin down what is in my storage room so that I can move into a home with zero space...do I take the crib I know I don't need anytime soon? Do I donate the keepsakes I have held onto  for 14 years? Do I really need that random box of cords (my husband will say yes.)? It's all so much.

Two weeks ago we signed a contract on a house that is 10 miles from our current home. If you follow me on FB or YouTube then you have already seen my updates. The reality of going from a 3.400 square foot home to a 2,200 home. Which is everything my heart desires. I truly believe we are "going home" for the first time in our marriage. I have never felt anything quite like it. It is a dream come true for both us. Land. Boys. Land and boys. they just go together and we so desperately want to change our lifestyle.

Kevin and I have dreamed of land since we said "I do.." it was always something we talked about, and then when we had 4 boys it became even more a dream. However, what really stirred this fast pace move that has literally taken our breath away was wanting to buy a travel trailer to start some new adventures with our boys.

We are part of a camp loving community and we have fallen in love with it. We show up at a campsite and set our tamed boys free into the wild and watch them come alive. We knew we wanted this as part of our lives. We had new dreams of traveling the US with them and creating deep memories and bonds as a family. We have seen some of our closest friends do it and seen how much it has benefitted and changed their lives...we wanted in.  So on the hunt we went for a used,sleeps 6, trailer... and we soon realized that financially we just could not afford to take our saving to pay for it. Kevin is not a huge fan of financing things we don't absolutely have to.  So we paused.

Then one night at dinner I said to my Calm "Babe, I have this thought, and its going to sound totally and completely crazy..." There was no shock on his face, because I don't do many things or say many things that shock him...."What if we sell everything we have, buy land...and put a trailer on it and slowly build our dream?" I can't honestly remember what his reaction was, I do know it was NOT shock...it was agreement, peace....dreams.

So we started looking, we went and saw properties...we started researching, we started asking questions and finding out whether or not we could actually do this....and reality?  We couldn't.  To build in Fayette county is so difficult and the more researched the more we realized there was no way we could actually afford to build.

So we paused.

And then Kevin sent me a property....in Brooks.  See, we had visited a house in brooks about a year ago, but that house was really really far out and I didn't love the lay of the land, they had cut all the trees down...So that was my impression of Brooks...Far away, bare land.

I want woods, shade, trees...

I'll never forget loading all the kids in the van and telling them we were going to visit another plot of land...all the question...bless it.  As we pulled into the driveway something happened in my heart...and when I rounded the corner and saw my husband walking the property I knew he loved it.  Oh we all fell in love. The house, the pool, the trees...all of it. It was all so much we have always wanted. We left dazed and amazed and totally overwhelmed because I think we both knew we couldn't let it go.

It meant a lot of things, we were going to have to go through a lot of changes. We knew that it would be a trade off and not an easy one. We have some of the dearest of dearest friends 4.5 miles from us. We trade kids like trading cards...
We have the best babysitter in the history of babysitters...she is a dream, and I couldn't imagine taking the house if she couldn't come with it. (HA..)
We have some of the sweetest neighbors who have my boys over to play weekly...
It was a lifestyle change and we know it isn't going to be an easy one...

However, for the first time in 14 years Kevin and I feel permission to put down roots. To say yes to GA, to raising our kids with a community we have come to love and couldn't imagine living without... To building a home for the boys to come back to over the years...we are saying YES to more things then we had to say CHANGE to.

So in two weeks we will be sleeping in our new (hopefully) forever home. My heart can't even take all of the thankfulness this will mean. We are overwhelmed everys single step we take we feel the peace of Jesus all over it.

You can follow my updates and videos of the kids on YouTube...the kids are so proud we a have a "YouTube Channel..." I do love updating and know we will love to have it to look back on.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdSMVd28GTywSg9CwiAY9CQ?view_as=subscriber

You can also follow us on InstaGram... Tanner Crew-

Storms that for a Moment Calm.

Glory to betsy it's been a while...this is why I could never be a professional author or blogger....well that and I just had to correct my spelling on author...there is no e. Bless.

Since my last post life has been so extra sweet. Both boys doing so unbelievably well. Unbelievably. Well. I sometimes feel like the last year is filled with brief nightmares but that's all it was...brief. I look at my growing boys today and I see strong, courageous, wild, boys. They are taking on the world and I am so excited I get to be on the sidelines watching them play the game of their lives.

Medicine is still a part of our everyday but it is not a focal point of our day. It is but a moment, in fact it's such not a big deal that they hop in the kitchen and dispense medicine to each other and move on. We are not fearful or held captive by the small bottle that has provided a bit of stability in our lives. It is not lost on me that that small little bottle was a miracle by Jesus. What was once intimidating and scary has become the catapult for health and living life to the fullest! One without fear, anxiety, anger and confusion. Medicine, it is a gift, it is a light, it is a small raft in the raging storms....But the sun and calm waves we are experiencing in this season, well that alone is Jesus.  He provided a raft then turned to the angry seas and said "May it be calm."

We might experience the waves pick up again, I have no doubt the the storm may rage again, that is what this life is...raging storms and calming seas. And sometimes it's both, raging storms and a peace that you can't explain through the raging storm.

So whats next. Well, we will continue this moment and not change anything just yet. One of the boys was doing so amazing that we thought we could drop the medication to half, however, we both- he and us- realized that no, it was not time and he needed the extra half. We celebrated that we could communicate this and moved on. Done and Done.

It is hard to believe that my once 3,3,2, and 1 year olds are now almost 9, 8, 6, 5 year olds! Let me tell you friends, we are in a new season. A new season of sleeping past 6 am, of getting dressed, putting on shoes, cleaning rooms, putting away laundry, eating full meals at the dinner table, sports, independence and one who continually asks "Think I'll go through the 'Big change' this year?" Which my sister so creatively named for puberty. Bless it all. Literally he comes to my face shoves his armpit and my nose and wants to know- "Does it smell like the big change mom?"  Glory Bless. I always say "No son, and stop rushing it...you will be awkward and stink for many years- lets not go there just yet."

School. Well, if you didn't know 4 Wild Oaks will be bringing home two more students. Karsten and Asa will joined the crew this year. Who knew. I absolutely adore having them home.

******Disclosure*******
                            This is the part of the post where I so kindly (Boldly, grab your face, make eye contact and make sure you HEAR me) tell you that homeschooling is NOT for everyone. And if you choose public, private, charter or whatever school, you are doing the RIGHT thing. You can't read this and think "Oh gosh I should be homeschooling..." If this provides guilt in your heart close out now and STOP reading.

Seriously. STOP IT. Do not compare. Do not question. Do not doubt.  We do that enough on Fakebook and Instafake.


*************

Now, We have not actually started school and we will not be starting until after Jaden's birthday on August 14th, why? Because I can...we can...and (I) want to.

This year will be a big year, I am not absolutely even sure I can homeschool all 4...and I have to teach two of them to read and one to write well...that is huge. So the pressure feels much higher as I approach our second year. But overall, I love them home, I don't get tired of them...

Back that train up....

I get tired of the bickering, fighting, picking, crying, screaming, fussing, complaining, never ending brotherly fights.....

And if we are going to be honest and real- which you know I will, I have a lovely little pill I swallow every night that helps with the above listings.

But I actually genuinely love having them home with me. I love being apart of their learning and actually learning right along side of them. I am memorizing my multiplication facts just as they are. So for this year I have such a peace that this is the best thing for each of them. Next year? I can't even go there.

Jesus is always so patient and grace filled when it comes to this very inconsistent, fearful, and not always obedient daughter. I am so thankful that He catches me each and everyday as I stumble, fall and crawl my way through this life.

Diagnosed. A Chapter in a Book.

We are on a journey, one where we find answers, some answers we don't want, and another where no answers seem to be found and puzzle pieces seem to be from different puzzles.

We had our suspicions ...but there it was, in black in white we a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Seeing it burned my eyes with tears. It didn't change my child, it didn't make him any different, it didn't change my love for him or our hearts desire for him...but there it was and I couldn't escape it.

See, we didn't get testing so we could label our kids or put them in a box of description that would hold and freeze them there forever. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis so we could medicate and move on. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis because we wanted one or so we could understand our child more...No. Never. 

I understand my child, because I am chosen to be his mother. 

WE sought out answers so we could equip him better, so we could fight for him harder, so we could prepare him for this world that can be hard and hateful. We only sought answers so that we could do the absolute BEST thing for our child. But nonetheless, you seek diagnosis and answers to things that perplex you and sometimes when you walk through that door you wish you could shut it, pad lock it, and run from it forever. It just seems so overwhelming.

The diagnosis...A diagnosis...Hell...ANY diagnosis does NOT define who we are...I know this, we all know this...we say this on repeat it seems after any diagnosis.  However, it does not change that a diagnosis is hard. This broken world of sickness...is hard.

I breathed. Deep breath in and out, I paused.

Kevin and I shared the hardness and brokenness in it.  

You can say all the positive you want to a person who receives a diagnosis, you can cheer the greatest cheer, but sometimes the greatest cheerleaders...are silent right before a big moment. This was that big moment. We just needed a moment.

We knew the truths,

God is faithful,
There is hope in Him
This is not a definition of your child
This is a perspective and opinion of man's view.
God does not see autism....

We stand on those truths, we believe those truths, WE have always BELIEVED those truths.

But grieving something for your child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Wishing something different for my child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Having moments where you wish your child didn't have to face hardships that you know will come...does not mean I do NOT believe those things.

I DO. 

Grief and sorrow...they are good, because they push you to be real, to be sensitive, to know how to truly cry out before Jesus, and to long more for Jesus to come. Grief and sorrow, they are special glasses that make you see things in this world with compassion and love easier. To realize that not all is perfect or shaded by the best filter.

A diagnosis is not easy, but, it is not a defining, its not the end...it's a chapter in the book. A reason to talk, to research, to try. It's a part of the journey that maybe rocky and hard and we might fall on our knees as we climb this Mount Everest...but that view.

Worth every step, every fall, every valley, every peak, every rock, and twist and turn. 

Worth it ALL.

We are going to walk this journey. And we will most likely walk it as publicly as we can. I don't share my children's names but that is only because one day it will be their story to tell...I can only tell it from my point of view right now. But I can promise you if you email me, or call me, or text me...I will write you back. Because I am not ashamed of our journey...I am proud.  I will share any part of my journey as you walk yours, and I can promise you...When you need it, I will be that silent cheerleader for you. Because you know what, we all need that sometimes.


A journey publicly, is a journey not alone.

~Beth

A Broken Christmas

This Christmas was unlike any other I have ever had in my entire life.  Two weeks prior we started coming down with some kind of virus that took a hold of our family like an octopus, meaning it sucked us in and held us captive.  Every time we thought we were coming on the other side we would get hit again. We embraced the sickness, we hung lights all around the living room, pulled in mattresses and blankets and pillows and watched endless Christmas movies by the fire and puke buckets. We paused and although I had other plans we just let it be. There was nothing else we could do but let it be.

However, I started around Thanksgiving having a pain in my back and stomach that I couldn't seem to escape. After many attempts of healing and dealing with it myself I found myself in the ER a week before Christmas looking for answers but finding none. We made an appointment with a GI doctor who was wonderful and set me on a new course of treatment trying to narrow down some reasons this could be happening.  It seemed his treatments were working and I was finally feeling a bit more relief, until I came down with whatever virus the kids had brought into our home. On Christmas Eve I was sick beyond words. Between my unknown illness and the virus my body began shutting down and refusing to fight. I couldn't sip water or move from the bed or floor in front of the toilet.  The pain was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my whole life.  Our Christmas Eve traditions ceased. We didn't go to a service, we didn't play games, we didn't watch a Christmas movie or make Christmas pizza.  What few gifts we let the boys open on Christmas Eve were open in my bed surrounding a mom who was trying hard to not alarm the boys and failing miserably.  Everything was broken.

At 7:30pm when I knew I couldn't make it any longer and I was saying goodbye to my babes and headed to the hospital...again. Broken. So so Broken.

My spirit was broken, my flesh was sick and my soul was angry. I had said the name of Jesus on repeat every time I was viciously heaving into the bowl of the toilet. I would moan prayers of pleading to heal me so I could be present on His coming, and yet...my flesh was broken. There was absolutely nothing I could do but surrender to the pain and brokenness and surrender to whatever His plans were, even if I didn't understand them.

I knew that my unknown illness and the virus had combined and made a terrible storm within my body. There wouldn't be answers in the ER, not that night, but maybe relief so I could make it to Christmas morning. That was the hope. After 6 hours of treatment and finally some relief I was able to be home.  We arrived home at 3:30am and let my sweet friend (become sister) go be with her family...the love we have from this community deserves its own blog post that I plan on writing. My babes were up at 6:00am knowing mommy was sick but so overcome with excitement for the morning. Kevin my calm never falter, never broke, and remained so peaceful and gift giving for our family. Christmas morning this year was simple, there was no big breakfast, no big setups, no big anything...we just couldn't. There was a brokenness in our flesh we couldn't control and we just had to let grace upon grace be what drove the day. Which was lots of nothing. We opened gifts slowly and had no expectation for the day. There were no friends over, no big Christmas meal...there was a stillness and a respect for what had overtaken our family...exhaustion.

We had to remind our boys that we have to be ok when things don't go as planned. This was a hard Christmas, it really was, but it made it stop and realize that life itself was the greatest gift. I was out of the hospital and able to be semi present with my boys. That was a gift.

As I have been able to step out of that night and process it I have come to realize that despite our biggest efforts for Christmas...or honestly anything in our daily lives...we constantly are living in brokenness and no matter how much we try to mask the brokeness with ribbons and bows beneath it all lies the reality of it all...imperfect flesh.

But Jesus, oh my sweet sweet Jesus. It is the very reason He came, the very reason we celebrate His birth year after year, why our souls long for the ultimate healing and peace...because despite any of our greatest efforts we are at the very core, broken and weary people thankful for the Savior. I am so very thankful. And although we still don't know what's wrong with me, and we have been on this journey for what seems like an eternity, I cannot for one second put my trust in the ribbons and bows of this earth, they will eventually break and teather...but I can tie myself to the hope of my Lord and Savior, Emmanuel, God with us.

We may never find the answers to my broken body, we may never fully understand why Jesus has me to walk this journey, but I can't complain, and I can't be angry, because all of our bodies are broken, my peace- oh my peace, yes it comes in the hope what will be, the hope of what's to come, the hope that I can close my eyes and know that this broken body will one day be healed in the presence of the Almighty One.  That, makes this time on earth much more doable, the pain will last but a day...it is only but seconds compared to eternity. I have to keep my eyes lifted up, knowing that He is my only hope, my only healing, my only peace. And somehow that makes all of this ok....it sucks....don't get me wrong, but it is okay.

But sweet, precious, almighty, JESUS.

"Little" Mount Everest.

I can't sleep. And its all because of a little form that I filled out tonight. Well, "little" in the fact of information...but monumental in what it meant. Tonight I filed my two oldest and well me...as an independent school. What?!?! I know right. 4 Wild Oaks School will be a real deal in January 2018. Remember how the atmosphere changes when I do something big? Yeah, you probably already felt the tremendous atmosphere change. Sorry about that.

But for real. First of all GA apparently is the leanest of lean states to homeschool in. The did not ask for proof of anything. Nothing. They did not ask if I was actually capable to teach my kids, this is still out for debate. They did not ask what medications I might (am..I am...) be taking. They did not bother to ask my age, 30....and just a few...plus a few more , or how well my marriage is (I mean crazy and her calm). They did not care if I was crazy, totally exhausted, mama of 4...I REPEAT 4 boys...nope. You know what they wanted? My address. Good job Georgia.

"Yeah, she...she can teach I mean look she has a house and everything...oh yes lets stamp that...next."

I kinda just sat there and stared at the screen when it said "approved" or whatever it is it said. Enough for me to realize it was done. I sat for 3 seconds and then moved onto the next 20 tabs I had               opened for curriculum (should probably learn how to spell that one...). I was so excited when I first bound down the stairs with the laptop to show Kevin what I was about to do, I was so excited and peaceful as I clicked submit... I was totally fine until I looked at my calm and said "Nervous?" and my "I'm not nervous, or worried, or distressed, or upset, or angry, or mad..." Calm man Said "Yeah. I am nervous." Well. If I had a sound maker on my blog you would hear a toilet being flushed...because one of my kids had just peed..and pooped..while standing...but that's another story for another time...

I felt deflated. But before you blame the amazing Calm Man...he had a right to feel that way. first of all I am clearly not a teacher by nature, I am a teacher now because of necessity. Second, I am always nervous. ALWAYS. About all the things that one could be nervous and worried about...like chicken being cooked enough..I worry about that, more then probably the average person. I have been known to take a piece of chicken onto the porch in the daylight to make sure I don't see a HINT of pink even though every other human says its done. I am a nervous human, and my husband he gets a card people. He gets one card once every year to use his nervous card and honestly I can't think of many times in the 13 years he has used it. So tonight. Tonight friends we give the calm his card. He said it, and then he moved on to encouraging me. How great he thinks I'll do and that he is excited and that he can't wait to see all the boys will learn...yeah me to buddy simmer down, give a me a moment.

Being nervous is not a sin, nor does it disappoint our all knowing God. Nervous does not produce fear (if you let it, like I do it can...) Nervous is our human nature acknowledging that something big is happening. We are standing before Mount Everest. And here is the thing. I am watching climbers prepping to go and I once again am feeling so inadequate to the calling before me.

Kevin is nervous for ALL the right reasons. And it is why I sit up when I should be exhausted because I was up all last night with puking kids. It is ok in life to be nervous. Somehow on the journey with Jesus we convinced ourselves that Jesus was greatly offened when we are nervous, that it means we don't trust Him.

I feel like schooling your kids truly is a picture of Everest that every parent MUST climb. No one is exempt from it.

Public school means you stand at the base of Everest and place your child in a group of trained guides who prepare and guide your kids up the mountain. You see children fall, not make it, stumble, or even get hurt and you know you wont be the first person there for them...That is SO hard. You also know each guide can be a bit of a gamble, just because they are "trained" does not mean they are qualified. You are entrusting them with your heart...not easy.

Then you have private school. And lets be honest, private school is elite. I am not saying that everyone who goes to private school is wealthy, I know families go to great (huge,monumental )sacrifice to put their child in this school. These are the trained of the trained guides. These are the people who are the best of the best in most situations. These guides are well equipped and ready to take your kids on the journey....but not everyone is able to afford these schools, or feel it is right for their family. I will admit though if money was no object I would probably be paying for one of these schools.

Then you have guides who have been teachers themselves. They have been up the mountain, watched others up the climb, they know some of the tricks, things to look for, how to guide children along the way. They know what to avoid and how to navigate some of the hardest parts of the journey. It is not easy, but at least having some background in climbing that can help along the way.

Then there is the guide who has never seen the mountain, has never stepped foot on a mountain, has ZERO climbing experience and doesn't even know where to start. Hmmm which one am I?  I feel like a towns person who comes to the base of the mountain and is watching people get ready to make the climb, looks are her boys and says "Well, kids, I think we might need some snow shoes...I think I saw Curious George make a pair in episode, lets go to town and see what we can find."  Before I go I ask the other guides what to do, the amount of information leaves me paralyzed with fear.  After 2 hours of informational information filled with more info...I turn and say "So....we should get more then just snow shoes?"

I know there are so many other school options I didn't even bother to touch. The reality is we are all on the same mountain, and it is scary. There are some really steep dangerous climbs ahead, but no one can stay at the bottom, its not an option. WE must climb this mountain with our precious hearts. It is hard for every single parent. You get through elementary and middle school is just as scary...have you seen those awkward emotional pimpled stinky kids? Glory. Then high school? They start having their own opinions, they start making decision you have ZERO control over, golly they will be making their own dinners and eating me out of house and home because my go to "if you are really hungry have a bowl of carrots..." will not work on a 16 year old.

We are all facing Mount Everest. Ever single one of us. Last night as I was falling asleep and I was thinking of Mount Everest I couldn't help but see one common factor in every single situation. Jesus. He was behind every guide holding each and every rope that was tethered to our precious hearts.  He had them, and when a guide would fall and our children would begin to slip, He was there. And last night when I felt the overwhelming since of despair,  He once again said His promising consistent words to me...

"But Me Beth, I am all the guide you need, I will take you each step as you navigate this climb. And I promise you this, when you fall, because you will, I have them."

I must rest at that. The climb ahead will be a scary one, sure of moments of failure...but the mountain view...might be the most unbelievable and Miraculous thing I could see this side of heaven.

Hang in there parents, we are each on the journey, you are not alone!

In the Darkness of Medication Came Light

I am not sure how to talk/write about medication when it comes to my kids. It is not because I am embarrassed, ashamed, or not confidant in our decision. I really think its because you want to protect your child from an already cruel and judging world. I do not want you to see medication before seeing my child. Or even have thoughts "must be a day they need to up the meds..." Medication and mental illness do NOT define our children or our family. We are the Tanners, we stand firm in our solid foundation in Jesus, and this is our journey, not our identity.  Therefor, medication and the topic of diagnosis is a touchy one. One we desperately need to shine the light on, but also one you have to be so cautious with. Each word I ever write is prayed over, He gives me permission and releases things I didn't even know could exist. 

I do know I have yet to meet a parent that is excited and happy to put their child on any type of stimulant, anxiety pill, or antidepressants. There are not happy dances and praise hands the day your doctor says "its time." No. There are fears, and sadness...there is concern and the unknown of the future can leave you frozen unable to put one foot in front of the other.... 

There is also thankfulness, yes. Hopefulness, yes. Even relief, sweet relief...but happy, joyful, excitement? No, not terms I hear from parents that are walking this very hard and challenging road.  People ask when we knew it was time for medication, my response is always the same "You just know..." it is really that simple. Every other thing fails you and you are left so desperate and so low you are not sure which way is up...its in that moment you can't wait another day. Relief is desperate. You are screaming for anything to help you and your child. You see them drifting and somehow someway today is worst then yesterday which was worst then the day before.

You find yourself googling, looking for anything that could possibly help. You feel like the most contradicting inconsistent parent on the planet. What worked yesterday made things worse today. You try hard not to stir up any battles or wake the sleeping anger that lays beneath your sons sweet demeanor. So eggshells is your life, you walk lightly, talk sweetly, take so many deep breaths you feel light headed. You find yourself losing your cool on every other child and living creature that crosses you wrong. Your exhaustion is beyond anything you could type on a blog.  You look like a parent who doesn't discipline because you put up with attitude and sharp comments and big fat "NOs!" and its not because you agree with the behavior, its because you know where and what it could do. Desperation is probably not even the right word.

You find yourself crying to anyone who will give you a moment to speak, you find yourself sobbing into the phone leaving your dad a message of total brokenness. You are unsure how you will face tomorrow or if tomorrow can even be faced. You are lost. You have prayed the name of Jesus in every room of the house, anointed with oil, crawled to the foot of his bed while he sleeps and make your desperate pleads to the One who Knows all and is All. And yet....silence. The next day is worst then the day before and it feels as though your prayers just made everything worse.

You finally hit the roof after weeks of walking on eggshells and all your pent up anger comes rolling out of you like Niagara Falls and there is nothing to stop it.  And 5 min later when your voice is horse from all the yelling you are broken once again because you feel like you just lost everything you had maybe gained. You are done. And you see the brokenness on his face. How did it get to this place?

You know....You go to the doctors with your beloved son and you lay it all out. You are done, he is done, we are done, everyone is done. By golly, the dogs are done. You know... It is time. And although there is no happy dance there is hope.

One week later post "vitamins" which is what these medications are referred to in this home, you see glimpses of your son. You see a smile return, a skip to his walk, a sweet hug and a kind word...oh my heavens, then the happy dance starts. Your heart could leap...

Two weeks later and there are no broken pencils, no thrown objects, there is a calmness and peacefulness that returns to your home...Oh Jesus. Thank you.

One month later. I have no words. We are thankful for the reprieve and although we know in two months we might be back to the drawing board with a growing and changing boy we know that medication is needed in this family. We see the change. And when the doctor asks how it is going and he says "I feel better..." you want to squeal and hug every single person in that doctors office. All of the sudden the dark, scary, awful, medication becomes the light, answers, peace, joy, thankful medication...

Now it is just a part of the day. No one even blinks an eye. .3 seconds it takes to take and our world aligns and peace come.

See, desperation always brings us to solutions and cry for help. If I didn't experience the desperation I wouldn't of been willing to go this route, and Jesus knew we needed this medication...he needed this medication, but we had to walk the dark and scary road to see those things.

I don't know where you are on in your journey. But you are not alone. Coming to the decision to put your child on medication is one of the hardest and scariest path a parent has to walk...see its brokenness in this world and its not suppose to be this way. Neither is cancer, or disease...but we live in a broken fallen world desperate for Jesus. Desperation broke us, and in that brokenness we were able to find the healing we all needed.

If you are a parent who has never had to face this journey with your child, I am thankful, this community of parents who are facing it would never wish this for anyone. No one. Be thankful, but be sensitive, be quiet, we don't need words or answers we need prayers and grace. Don't be quick to judge that parent with a child who is out of control in the middle of Walmart...you don't know what their journey is or what they are facing that day.

I know now, but it took desperation and brokenness to know it.

But Jesus, getting glory. 

The Transparent Glass Door. Honetly..I don't even think I have a door.

Sitting in a Psychologist office with on of your kids is never easy.

I gripped the steering wheel pretty tightly that morning as we drove. I tried to seem as calm and as normal as possible even sipping on my coffee occasionally  although my stomach was in all kind of knots. His sweet profile catching my glimpse every once and awhile as I asked if he was nervous or had any questions. "No." It was a simple answer with no concern, no emotion, no anxiety. Hmmm I wish I could calm my heart to meet my sons. This is the second time I have had to drive to an appointment for one of my boys to see if we could get a glimpse of what was going on in that brain of theirs. I couldn't help but have to fight all the feelings of failure as I drove. I shoved them down deep...again.

People commend me often for being open and writing so freely- it is not a choice, I was born this way. To be silent slowly kills me. Ann Voskamp wrote a post today about transparency and I drank it in and it nourished my dry and weary soul. One of her quotes will be one I will butcher when I say it, but will cling to it for a life time.

"Transparency is the glass door that opens up a house of trust so you get to live in love."

There is zero artistic or poetic beauty in my writing, believe me I know this. But there is a rawness that just comes from my heart that I can't control.   That glass door. My glass house.

We spent three hours in that testing. He did amazing. We will have the final write up of a diagnosis in three weeks but before we left the dr. said without hesitation that he has ADHD.  It was not a surprise, taking on the role of teacher has made it very clear that he struggles with this. Now my Two oldest sons have that diagnosis. How can you not wonder where you went wrong? There will be more diagnosis coming my way, the doctor was also sure of this but he wasn't ready to finalize it until he had gathered all his information from that morning. I wasn't emotional or sad when he told me it, I wasn't really anything honestly. Numb maybe? But really not even that...just okay. It is the reality and I can push up the sleeves on my arms and move forward.  

I had someone say to me "I don't know why my kids are so amazing and so good and don't have struggles..." literally. Said that. WOW. I am so happy for you. Please take this from my post, if you know someone who has a child or children struggling with anything outside the BOX of "normal" please don't go on and on about the struggles your children DON'T have..it is not soothing to an aching heart. Just not.

When I dealt with infertility I was trapped in a world of wanting...it was the most intense and horrific and life changing three years of my life. I would spend hours dreaming of what my children would be like, I would beg Jesus for them, I would grieve over the ones I lost and think about all I was missing because I didn't get to know them...but in those dreams I never imagined having boys that struggle with anxiety, ADHD, depression or disorders. Why would I dream that? Why would anyone dream that? But you know what, each and every day I wake up and I am living my dream. It wasn't what I thought it would look like but there is so much broken beauty in the imperfectness that is my life I couldn't for one second want anything any different.  

A couple of months ago I mentioned I went to a conference that kind of left me spiraling and in some ways more broken then I was before I went. It was suppose to be a "rest" ful retreat but all of the hurting broken adopted moms hearts, threw me into a tornado I wasn't even prepared for.  One of the activities the speaker had us do was write out all the things we had dreamt of that didn't come true and then we took that piece of paper and shredded it. It was a beautiful imagine but it didn't sit well with my heart. I usually love things like this, if I ever had a chance to be a speaker I could so see myself doing something so similar. I was known for things like this while teaching the youth years ago...but the thing is, it was hopeless. It made me focus on things I don't even consider. My kids are my kids, sure I didn't dream of this but they are still my dreams. If we live in a world always looking at ways we thought our life should of been or could of been or we deserved we miss the beauty that is our life RIGHT now.  The broken beauty. Its is not perfect and there is a lot of scary and dark days, but Jesus is writing a pretty epic story through each of the characters on my stage. 

I know that mom meant some kind of well when she spoke those words about how her kids didn't have struggles... I couldn't shake it from my soul- but then I thought, well- Lord my kids are exactly who you created them to be - perfectly and beautifully and wonderfully made- broken and all. And are we not all broken? Heavens. YES. Maybe her kids didn't have the struggles my kids have...but we all have struggles...its why I want to live a life of transparency. Transparency brings love, and healing...

Our life might consist of therapy's and doctor appointments and prescriptions needing to be filled. But it is beautiful, and complicated, and chaotic...and epic...and Transparent. 

Utterly and Fearfully Exhausted.

Since deciding to homeschool I knew mornings would be cruicial for me. I needed to get up early before the boys to make sure I had a few moments of peace before my day started. Just 30min even to clear my thoughts or have a thought without interruption. Yall. Its as though my kids know this desire and ensuring that they don't miss one second of mom (because I still have a couple of little guys who find their way into my bed, onto my pillow, and into my back, I swear if they could crawl back into me they would...) they are up at the butt crack of dawn. I try to be so quiet, I try to sneak downstairs, but I swear the atmosphere must shift and their eyes pop open because mom is awake...don't. miss. one. second. Must. get. to....MOM.
Be near Jesus. It is real.

So here I am at 11:58pm trying to calm my thoughts so that I can actually just maybe get a few hours of sleep before they sense the atmosphere changing again.  And know what, I am utterly and fearfully exhausted.

But here is the thing, I am utterly and fearfully exhausted both emotionally and physically and to be completely honest spiritually. I have to fight daily to find the calm, the peace, the soothing quietness of my soul. I have had so many "older" moms and when I say "older" I don't mean physical age, I mean stage of life. Older as in kids are in high school or graduated or married. Anyway I have heard from these older wiser moms in grocery stores, at sporting events, always at target, and of course FB and Insta. But these wonderfully older moms inform me many times as they watch me twitch and squirm and sometimes loose my cool at my child who is fussing about their sock or shoe or the fact that the sun is somehow chasing them down and tormenting them with brightness..... that the "days are long but the years are short," or "its hard physically now but just wait until they older...then its emotionally hard..." or "don't blink, its gone" or.. "fill in the blank you have heard it here.."  And believe me I DO GET IT. I do, STOP TELLING ME AND ENCOURAGE ME.... I see it going fast and I have written my rant about this...that is not my thing... no my thing is that it is not just physically hard right now...it is crucially emotionally and spiritually hard RIGHT now...and it if it is not hard right now then I think we might be missing something.

My boys ages range from 4 to 8, and in that I am juggling a whole lot...a WHOLE lot...and I can't even tell you how many sleepless nights and enduring days where I think I am failing them or missing it or screwing them up and it makes me paralyzed with fear. It is physically and emotionally and spiritually demanding right now. Throw in that what we moms are faced with daily now is comparison that comes full force with social media and every single flipping person has a BLOG and is writing out their "articles" on how we are screwing up our kids. I combat these fears by pouring my kid a bowl of fluorescent Cheetos and top it off with a big ol' cup of straight up red dye while making sure that EVERY single media outlet is BLARING in their faces and also making sure that every ALARM is set in every single corner of my house ready to alarm me when my kid breaths funny or sneezes snot that might be a color that is not normal....Glory. JESUS for the love would just hurry on  up and come...by the way, Jesus, incase you didn't know my kid loves Mindcraft and the last article I read said that he most likely will be a bomb maker in the future...so yeah...you better sound the trumpets NOW. Bless it to my bones Mamas, how are we even breathing?

And I can't even begin to start to tell you that when you have a child that is not like the other 20 in his class and starts showing some signs of things that might need "early intervention..." and you find yourself at midnight googling side affects of medicine your child has to take and you feel as though the red dye just has to be the reason your kid is like this or maybe its because all they want to eat is fruit snacks and graham crackers or maybe its because they spent 3 or 4 hours on media and not the recommend 1 that clearly this is all YOUR fault and you made your child this way...and because you google all these such things now every time you get on the stupid comparison Facebook page now all the adds are "dangers of red dye..." "10 unknown side affects of this medicine" "Going vegan and using this oil got my kid off his meds..."  and so you stuff all these fears down deep, you take a breath of muggy barely breathable GA "Fall" air and you hop in your car to take your crazy 4 to church and you ram into your husbands truck that has parked in the same spot the last 3.5 years of living here. Yeah that might of happened today. There are not enough bless its.

And you can barely breath. Jesus. Its all so much. And that lovely older mom says "just wait..." and I think, great...now all my fears are even greater, thanks.

BUT JESUS...

Lets take a moment and think of this. BUT JESUS sweet friend. You are not alone. Solace, read my words and take hope, you are not alone.  We will survive, they will survive, and Jesus is our hope. I do know this. And when I handed my child his first dose of medicine and I had to fight demons from ever corner and I breathed shallow every day as I watched for side affects or changes...and my child looks at me one day and says "mom, I just feel happy..." I breath deeper. And Jesus says to my fearful and overwhelmed spirit..

"But me, Child...I am the start of every morning, the middle of every darkened afternoon, and the greatest finisher of each and everyday."

And I breath.

Every single day raising children is hard and exciting and scary and rewarding...each season might bring on new and different challenges I am sure, but my journey with my 8,7,5,4 year old boys is just as much demanding spiritually and emotionally as it will be when I have 17,16,14,13 year olds. Parenting requires you to sit constantly at the feet of Jesus as you open and close those hands every single second of each and every day for your children.

We are raising children in a very big and scary and failing world. We are raising children where we have to teach them how to be different, see different, love different. That doesn't change from 8 to 16- that prayer, that screaming to Jesus that they would have hearts that love Him so they can love others well doesn't change.  I think my sleepless nights are going to become more and more as my boys grow, and I am sure my prayers will change, but the core of them does not. Jesus.

Medication - Thing 3.

When I go to write it is as easy as filling up a glass of water. It flows. It pours out of my heart and onto the screen in a matter of moments. It is how I know its His timing and His words...Its like He releases the words to me. This "Thing" I have been in communication with Him for sometime. There are several topics..."Things..." I so long to discuss but I don't always know how, so I wait until I feel Him prompting me to lay my fingers across the key board. Like this morning. 

I was hoping to sleep in, I mean it is Saturday, but remember the oh so cute but oh so annoying puppy- yeah - he had me up at 5:15am. Its ok. If you have followed me at all the last 12 years of having this blog you know I went into a season where I was trying to be a morning person. I failed. Like big fat fall on my face fell. It was because it was what I wanted with all the greatest intentions but I forgot to see if it was what He wanted. My intentions were pure, but my heart was a bit muddy. This year moving into homeschool I prayed that the Lord would help me get up in the mornings before the kids get up so I could settle my heart and breath His name. I say this in complete honesty. I have yet to use an alarm clock. I loath (and if there were a deeper word for hate I would use it) alarm clocks. We are 30 some days into this school and I have gotten up just about every single one of them early. Its less about me and my wants of what I think a good Christian looks like, its because I am desperate for His presence- He beckons me each morning. And  for the record and just so you don't think I am spiritually perfect- I don't read the Bible every morning. Sometimes I stare at the wall while I drink my coffee, scroll through Insta, or look at Timehop....but I sit, I calm my heart and I breath His name.  (I say that discloser because we live in a world of comparison, and it can eat you up and make you feel less then who HE says you are. That is not the point of my writings, my writings are to encourage you to be exactly who you are right where you are...)

So this morning it is starting to flow, to be honest I am not sure which direction the Lord will take me on with this post. So buckle up and enjoy....  

This past week I sat in my doctors office for an hour and poured my heart out as to where I am right now. I was not there because my throat was hurting, or I had an ongoing headache, I was there because I was feeling as though I was barely keeping my head above the water, or I am in a storm and I just need a moment to gather my thoughts and I can't find cover...or I am a beach ball with holes and I can't figure out a way to plug them all before the air leaks out... pick the analogy you like best...I am once again reminded of how different I am to everyone else (which I know is true for all of us...) but I am an extroverted introvert, I enjoy people but I LOVE to be home. If I go days without leaving the house or seeing people I am the most content and happy.  I am a bouncer in most things in life, things happen I bounce. I can tend to see the positive in most things, I have a very child like faith when it comes to Jesus and His abundant love and grace for us.  I can fall a thousand times and keep getting back up....but I am overcome with fear most days, I have about 1,000 really crazy and obnoxious anxiety filled thoughts that if I am not careful can consume me and freeze me.  Most of the time I can contain and control them, Kevin as you all know I refer to on most days as my Calm talks me off the ledge of complete and utter dismay about a 100 times a week.

Growing up if you were to ask my siblings or parents to describe me they would be tempted to use the words "a bit dramatic about somethings..." I am sure they would have much more to say...but this would probably be one of their first thoughts, and I say tempted because I fought those words growing up to the point that I am pretty certain they would be a bit scared to say them now to describe me (sorry Y'all...). But I am, I am a bit dramatic but in my world and in my view it doesn't feel dramatic, it feels very real, very big, very scary....and so I fight and I fight and I fight to maintain a level of "this is not big..."

Until, well, it is big. And right now in our life, it is big. It would be big for anyone. Anyone sitting in my house dealing with some of the things we are dealing with would say...yeah...that's big.   My doctor was amazing, she was so compassionate and caring and understanding and validate all my fears about what I needed. You would look at me and think, why in the world would she need medication...but I do. I need it to be able to fully function and fully live and fully enjoy the sweetness that is my life even with circumstances  that are scary and out of my control. I am also being asked by Jesus to regulate myself a lot more for the sake of one of my children. I have to regulate emotions for the both of us because he is showing signs of not being able to regulate and control emotions.  And so each morning I am choosing to embrace the season we are in, not fight it, not try to make anything other then what it is and I swallow a little white pill and move past it. I need help, and that is not a sign of weakness that is a sign of strength.

I am not sure why medication is a taboo subject, maybe I am naïve I will fully take on that reality. Maybe it is because medication is so overwhelmingly used in todays society...maybe its because of people like me, who you look at and think "Why in the world would she need it?" I am also not sure why it is a sign of weakness, this one I don't really understand- because let me tell you, it took a whole of strength to admit I needed it and a whole lot of strength to take it and not beat myself up about it.

I am believing that as we continue therapy and as we continue figuring out puzzle pieces and as we continue to learn how to cope with some of the realities Jesus has given us that I will not need this forever. But right now, I am admitting that I don't have it all together and to be the mom I need to be for these amazing children God has given to me I needed an umbrella to weather through the endless storm.

As Jesus continues to release me to write more about this I will, because I want to talk about medication and children, however, Jesus has not asked me yet to share about this thing just yet.

I hope this encourages you, I hope and pray that if you are having to take medication and you struggle with guilt that this releases that guilt for you, Jesus is not disappointed in you nor does this have any reflection on our dependency on Christ. I am still so dependent on Him each and every day in every moment. I am thankful for a doctor who cared, for a supportive calm husband and for the little white pill.

Since, Sense, Through, Threw, To, Too.... Thing 2.

For the love people. I had a complete and utter panic moment...well to put this in perspective I have one every 3 hours on average. Never the less, I had one...I had one and I have yet to come to the top just yet.  First let me say I am excited about my series I'll write over the course of time about "Things..." Its amazing how many times I think during my day "oh there is a thing..." it is brilliant Jesus. Also, these "things" just so you know don't apply only in the adoptive world, I am speaking on bio kids as well. And yes people, these are real terms in the adoptive world that we use...because well that's a "Thing..." Your kids are different. However, I am not talking on that "thing" just yet.

Today my thoughts are on the sheer and utter panic I have about school right now. Since/Sense I started school almost 30 days ago (holy moly that is amazing and I survived- if you were here we would celebrate over a margarita..) it has been a roller coaster of emotions. The ride is fun but scary and dark sometimes and other times when we crest a hill and I can see a view I had not seen, glory its the best...We have highs and lows about a 100 times a day, not joking.  Most days I know without a shadow of the doubt I am doing the absolute BEST thing for my kids. BEST. I have seen a transformation in my ADHD high driven anxiety kid and a full in fall to my knees in thankfulness he is home for my other son. It is good, it is right, and I really do (most days) love having them home.

Here is todays "Thing..."

I have learning disabilities. Adult learning disabilities is a "thing." You don't out grow your learning disabilities-  you just learn over the course of your life how to navigate them.  I know I have them, and 20 (ok or more but do we have to go there?) years ago the testing is not nearly where it is now. I actually think I have ADHD, anxiety, and learning disabilities. Self diagnosing at its finest people. As I have been thrown into the world of diagnosing with the boys so many times I listen and I think... whoa that's me. I think if I were in school today with the aids they have I would have had an IEP or 504 plan and I think....maybe I would of gone to college. My dream was to be a counselor (I had to spell check my dream...just saying.) but school was so so so so so so hard so so so so hard. Like for real guys, I would study and study and study and we would celebrate if I could stay out of the 60's on a test.  It kind of makes me anxious talking about it, not because I am embarrassed but because I remember how sick I would feel before every test and how much I hated being called on and how awkward it was when a fellow student would ask me a question and I NEVER knew the answer no matter how simple it might of been.

I can tell you so many reasons why I should of failed, I can tell you stories of beloved teachers seeing me barely make it, coming to their class rooms after class in tears because I knew I was failing and literally CHANGING my grade in front me.

Coach C "Come here Beth, look at that grade..." I stared at the computer screen and in the excel program laid a 67- fail. Tears streaming down my face...Coach C "Beth why are you crying, look at that grade.." Delete, Delete,  and watched as his big fingers change that grade to a 76. I just stared at him, "Beth, you got this- I see you. You will be just fine."

I can tell you of sleepless nights, sweats and anxious fears on projects due, homework unfinished and test scores I knew were coming my way. It was like I was frozen inside a box I didn't fit in and I didn't choose. I was capable of more, wanted more, dreamed of more, but I was frozen feeling like I didn't have what it took to get to the next step to see my dreams become a reality.  I don't hang my hat on that...BUT JESUS.

And thank Jesus I had parents who understood, embraced, and encouraged me right where I was at. They saw the difficulties and my dad would so often remember his own struggles with school.

My struggles followed me to a small Bible school in Colorado where I barely made it by but grades were not that important (yay for me...). I have stories of writing papers on the wrong people...y'all, this one has to be shared with you with a cup of coffee in hand. And then after three years of living in Colorado I moved back home (broken hearted after a failed relationship.... PRAISE JESUS) and signed up for community college. I thought, its time- I am  going to chase my dreams. I took the assessment test to see what classes I could skip and what classes I needed. I didn't even place. They started me in classes that kids who had failed high school were taking. You want to talk about humbling...glory Jesus. I did it though, I walked into the vocab class with pride. I was going to do it.
Its is how I knew I loved Kevin. (This story is not about how I met Kevin ((Although a glorious one))....But I did know I loved him when we were just beginning our dating and I was getting supplies for school and my brilliant, so very smart engineering soon to be husband asked me "so what classes are you taking..." Hmm lets see "Vocab 1, Beginners Math 101 (the actual name)..." Oh yes, so very proud of these classes. He didn't even miss a beat...he still chose me and to this day I'll love him even more.

Last night I told him about my blog I wrote and I said "I still can't in my head get so many words right..."(Since/Sense) I had every intention to google it and change it...but life.  It is like a blank in my mind, no matter how many times I concentrate on certain words to memorize my brain draws a blank...but on so so so many things. I wonder if I actually know it and its literally a disconnect in my brain where its buried there but I can't bring it forward or if it is that something in my brain can't retain certain information...I don't know. So I had every intention to go back and fix "since to sense" in my last blog post. Which led Kevin and I to this conversation and my total freak out moment...

I told Kevin " I don't get it, if I loved teaching and it came easy to me I would do it in a heart beat. I love having them home, I love the schedule, but I am not a teacher... Its like God placed me in a surgical room and asked me to perform surgery and I am screaming 'uh...I'm not a SURGEON'..." And I know "BUT JESUS" but y'all this really is a Moses moment of inadequateness...I just don't know, my brain is just struggling and in all honesty right now I am learning right along side of my 2nd graders, but I am not sure what I will do when they pass me by and please Jesus in your grace and mercy let them have their daddies brain and soar pass this mom.

I have dreams, and as ironic as it is writing is a huge one and one of my greatest disabilities is in writing (Oh glory I just heard all of y'all sigh and say..."now that makes sense/since").  Bless it, but Jesus. I am not sure what our future is, I do know in all of history and every story I read Jesus always provides, always shows the way, so I am believing that with my whole heart today as I show up once again in my surgical room and look at my sweet children and think "I am not surgeon please help me not damage them.." I know this seems dramatic, but glory it is a good picture of reality.

God always call us to the impossible. Always. I am not sure what our future will be, how God will provide in the next seasons of our life and days of school. I know whatever it will be it will be good, but there are days when it seems extremely scary. Jesus is asking me to be in a scary place right now, on so many different levels. We have some scary testing and diagnosing going on ( in His timing don't worry sharing will happen...) and most mornings I walk into our makeshift classroom (surgical room) and the only words I can utter beneath my deep breathing and pounding heart beat is "Jesus, show up..."  And I pick up the scalpel and begin to cut....

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," Says the Lord.  "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher then your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 54:17

Things 1. Don't hang my hat there.

I am an 8 year old mom- I have been doing this for 8 years and I still know about as much as I did the day Jaden was born... okay maybe that's a bit of an over dramatic statement...maybe.
The truth is I am still learning on how to be a mom, each situation my boys bring me into is new and I am learning how to handle it and not screw it- or at the very least not screw it up majorly. An actual goal I have is that the boys don't grow up band together to write a book on all the ways their mom screwed up. Actual goal people.  So lets be real....Add in adoption and it throws you a bit.

See, I am learning some things. No one told me some  of these things- and I am learning these things  were very important things, that no one thought it would be important for me to know..the things.  The things like DNA - yeah that's a real real thing. I am not even joking friends- you don't think about those things, until you have to think about that thing! DNA plays a HUGE role in parenting. So much of what makes up our children are details deep within the makeup of their creation. And to be completely honest I need a crash course on DNA to even understand it....but I do know it is a thing!  Bio kids throw you for loops, do things "I never did as a kid.." and make your head spin some days the only thing you can do is sit and stare at a wall until the next day finds you. Can I get an AMEN?  Throw in your adoption DNA pool house and you don't know what the heck might come out. The door opens and you think "whoa what is this..." No one told me that was a Thing.

There are more things...and I am going to start slowly sharing those things as Jesus teaches me how. I believe it is important, because maybe someone will read this who is walking into the world of adoption and they need to hear some of these beautifully messy things... But Jesus first needs to teach me how to tell a story that affects me without telling my boys story for him. Maybe that makes since, honestly does my writing ever make since? (And I am here sitting thinking is it since or sense? and I homeschool- bless it to my bones Jesus.). What I do know is that I have a story to share, I have things happening in my life that some of it just needs to be shared with fellow mama's adoptive or bio. It is a reality we are facing and parts of it I believe do have a place and a small platform.

Someone asked me if I have always blogged. My response was that I am a seasonal blogger. The real time in my life where Jesus opened the flood gates to my writing was when I experienced my loss and infertility. So many (again I think 13) followed me on that journey. And Jesus in His infinite goodness used that and still uses those post when I was raw and real about my grief and pain.  Then its been a come and go blog. I played with the idea of starting a completely new blog but honestly "Walking the Journey" it is just so my life, but if I could name it again I would call it "Bless it, to my bones JESUS." Ha!  But I feel it in my heart and soul and in the tips of my fingers- writing is coming back to me. To share the journey we are on. The difference is the characters to my journey no longer only include me and Kevin, I have a whole cast to think about, that's a game changer.

This Weekend I sat in a room along side my soul sister and fellow adoptive mom and 70 other moms in a conference geared towards adoptive and foster moms. The name was REST. And it came at a point in my life, day, week, second, that I desperately needed rest.  It was a sweet weekend, a weekend that has memories and a weekend where Suzie and I laughed (which honestly would happen anywhere...) and cried and processed somethings. But to be honest it was a really, really, really hard weekend that was very emotional and took a lot A LOT of processing. 

The reality is:  I am learning right now. I am learning about adoption and one of the greatest lessons I have learned is this...Adoption is birthed out of tragedy. No one told me that "thing." I was naïve to the tragedy that was happening all around me. The loss was great and in the midst of it was a grieving boy. No one told me that thing. And here I sit 8 years and 2 months later and I am baffled by all that went on in my little boys life far beyond what I could see. Jaden experienced a tragedy that as his mom I was unaware of, that breaks my heart on a level I cannot express with words on a blank screen. It wasn't that I had my head in the sand or that I didn't acknowledge something- I was not taught, I did not know, I was unaware and I desperately wish someone, anyone had told me. Jaden from day one of his existence (inside the womb and beyond) experienced tragedy and trauma. This is real, this is truth and my boy has been dealing with this pain for a long time, and as his mom I didn't know. I don't hang my hat there...that is not then end of his story.
And this is part of the "things series" Jesus is revealing to me and asking me to share...in HIS timing, with HIS words.

Don't get me wrong, adoption may be grief BUT JESUS the story does not end there. Adoption is birthed out of tragedy and covered in redemption. BUT JESUS! For these beautiful children. I hang my droopy, exhausted, out of style, worn to the brim hat on that EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. BUT JESUS.

As I walk this journey with my beautiful son, his story will be far more beautiful then anything I could ever write, or tell, or imagine all because of, But Jesus....

Bless IT!

We are in the midst of waiting for Irma to hit. It literally has been the talk of our town for two weeks now, and now we are waiting to see just how bad this thing will actually be once it comes to us. I am a skeptic, I have always felt like the more you talk and build something up the less likely it will be to even touch that expectation. However, we did take the precautionary efforts in securing a few things around the house, filling up a couple of water jugs and prepping the kids for what could be scary winds, but beyond that we are calm and ready...even if all it will be is rain.

The boys were a bit disappointed when they realized there would be no reason for school to be cancelled in the homeschool world- schools are cancelled in our community... Jaden did say "mom, if the house blows away do we have to do school?" "No son, if our house blows away school is the last of my concerns."

Prepping for this impending storm has come at a time where I feel like I have been in the midst of my own storm in life. It is interesting because even though you know a storm is in the midst of your horizon, you see, hear, feel the winds picking up...really nothing can prepare you for the actual storm itself. If I could have all (13, I think that's how many of you read my last post) you over for coffee and share the details of this storm we are in I would, oh I so would. I would share in tears, fear, confidence, sorrow, thankfulness, grace, and honesty just what we are facing with one of our sons.  However, I can't post the details of my sons life as if they are my own. Yes, they  affect me- but I wouldn't want my struggles out there for everyone to read if I hadn't been the one to tell it...it will be his story to tell one day.

I can say this, parenting is hard. So hard, and hard for so many different reasons. It is the greatest journey, the most amazing ride, the most exciting path I have ever walked...but it is covered in grief and  fear and a constant battle of tug-a-war as you let go and then pull in with Jesus. Trusting your children to the Maker sounds so wonderfully spiritual but the actual letting go-  it is a daily moment by moment decision. And throw in social media, where every article contradicts the last and we hear from every single parent of grown children how fast it is going and that they wish the could go back, and you see all the "perfectness" on insta and facebook it makes you feel like an utter failer the 30 minutes you took scrolling through it all....its just to much. Time is going faster because we don't know how to be present, we are to concerned with posting our everyday moments we are not really in the moments at all (talking to myself people..). We see posts and think "they must never watch TV, they are always outside, her house is so calm, how does she get that calm peaceful glow in her home, her house is so clean, her husband is always there to help, their marriage is amazing, she eats so healthy, she runs so incredible, she has no wrinkles, her kids are never fighting..." Listen, we all say we know its not perfect but we get swept away with it anyway. And then there is the paradigm flip, the one where you take on the "I can't be perfect so I'll be the exact opposite and be proud of that..." Which, that is not any better.

The reality is we can't escape the storms, we can't escape social media- its our impending future and our everyday reality. We can take breaks but we normally get swept back in someway somehow....

My dream is that I would live a life that is honest and real, what you see y'all is not always the greater picture. We are in a storm, I just can't share the details of the raging storm with the world. I can be honest and say- we are struggling, it is real, it is hard and it is scary....And I don't know the outcome, I don't know what our future will look like, I don't know all the damage yet, I don't know how or when we will recover- I do know it doesn't' change who God is in my life, it doesn't change my belief that no matter what HE is good, it doesn't change the reality that He is in it, in control, and hasn't left us alone in a raging storm in the middle of the ocean. I may feel tossed about, but I am anchored far beyond what I can see or feel...I trust that.

So be encouraged sweet friends, my life is far beyond perfect, the failure goes deep but the hope and grace goes far deeper. Take a deep breath, scroll faster through that FB or Insta- or better yet skip it all together a couple more times today, take a deep breath and let the wind from that storm fill your lungs with fresh Oxygen!

Bless IT!

All the Things...

I have been up since 5:30am, not by choice- because a stubborn little (not so little) puppy. He's cute, He is a very cute annoying early riser. Most days I don't mind, I need to get up and he is a good alarm clock, but he hasn't gotten the hint about weekends, and he doesn't register with my annoyed no's just yet. He wags his whole butt to shake his tail and looks at me with puppy eyes....yes, a cute annoying early riser is what he is. However, the early wake up call was ok after I got over my initial annoyance and downed my first cup of coffee, then I was happy to be awake.  I need to break the habit of checking my phone first thing in the morning, there is absolutely no reason and I think it is stealing away from my Sweet time with Jesus. But alas- I'll be totally honest, Facebook totally won some time this morning.... but it did make me realize that I am super behind on prepping for Christmas. OY!

Usually by this time of year I am elbow deep into planning for my next year of Secrets From the Stable. If you are new to me (which is highly doubtable) then you know one of two things or (and for most) both things. One I am a co-founder (wow that sounds way professional (also sorry for so many ()) of a very sweet thing my friend Jamie and I and so many other sweet friends do at Christmas time called Secrets from the Stable (SFTS), if you would like more info on that click HERE. Two, I started homeschooling my two oldest boys this year. So I have yet to figure out how to do both things well. Yesterday Kevin and I taught the Pre-k class at church he asked what I prepped and I said "Zero. I prepped zero things. I am working hard at homeschooling, If I am succeeding at one thing most likely I am failing at the other things." And that my friends is the truth of all truths. Maybe you are a succeeder of all things, and maybe you post those succeeding of all things on facebook or Insta but I can assure you I am a succeeder of one...maybe two things and a failer at most all other things (these should be real words by the way...). Here are few other examples: If I am rocking it at working out, most likely I am stuffing my face on the side with all things that taste yummy, If I am doing awesome at eating healthy there is no way I am working out....If my laundry is caught up my toilets are nast, if my meals are planned my pantry is disorganized, if my kids beds are made their floors are a mess....And so so so so on. Its just the way I do life, or maybe the way I have learned to do life in chaos.

So, here I am a lover of SFTS and wish I could take it to the next level. I have shown it to so many people hoping and praying they would help me make it into something bigger and yet here it sits. Some would say "take the reigns, do it yourself, push it into the next level....make your dreams come true..." And yes, we could very well do that, but here is the thing, something in my life would suffer and it would most likely be the very people I designed it for. That is not ok in my heart.   Jesus has asked me to turn my eyes and focus on to His children that He has given to me. I am on a journey and battle field with these boys- right now anything else needs to fall to the side.  There is coming  a day (faster then I want) when my boys wont need me for most- all things...and when that day comes maybe then I can take my dreams to the next level. Right now my dreams are these boys, my marriage, this reality...and I can't risk letting anything else take my attention.

So what does this mean for SFTS?  This means we will re-open the FB page, and we will continue to share the journey of sweet Gabe, Obi, Kia and a sweet few new friends to join in the fun this year :) However we are shutting down the webpage and holding a few things closer to our hearts until Jesus tells us to invest and run full force with them. We will share most all things with all of those who want to be a part of it, if you want anything you see we will gladly hand it over. What in this world is free? We will share and give and let go of anything for the sake of His Kingdom! So if you want it just ask for it!!!

Our family will not be bringing back the Shepherd this year, we absolute LOVED this idea and if I had stumbled upon this years ago I probably would still be doing it. But I adore my animals and that is theme I want to stay with. I noticed last year bringing in the Shepherd changed the dynamic a bit and because I am still developing SFTS I want to stay focused on what Jesus has called me to do with my kids and do it well- remember the succeeder/failer.....? However if you have done the Shepherd or want more information on the Shepherd feel free to contact me or Jamie for that information!

I am beyond humbled by the things Jesus places in my life, why me I'll never know. May you not see me when you see my life, may you see a life of chaos, a bit stained with coffee and covered in a whole lot of Grace and Jesus.

I hope y'all have a Merry Christmas....oh Glory so thankful we have a few more months!

Bless IT!