I am an 8 year old mom- I have been doing this for 8 years and I still know about as much as I did the day Jaden was born... okay maybe that's a bit of an over dramatic statement...maybe.
The truth is I am still learning on how to be a mom, each situation my boys bring me into is new and I am learning how to handle it and not screw it- or at the very least not screw it up majorly. An actual goal I have is that the boys don't grow up band together to write a book on all the ways their mom screwed up. Actual goal people. So lets be real....Add in adoption and it throws you a bit.
See, I am learning some things. No one told me some of these things- and I am learning these things were very important things, that no one thought it would be important for me to know..the things. The things like DNA - yeah that's a real real thing. I am not even joking friends- you don't think about those things, until you have to think about that thing! DNA plays a HUGE role in parenting. So much of what makes up our children are details deep within the makeup of their creation. And to be completely honest I need a crash course on DNA to even understand it....but I do know it is a thing! Bio kids throw you for loops, do things "I never did as a kid.." and make your head spin some days the only thing you can do is sit and stare at a wall until the next day finds you. Can I get an AMEN? Throw in your adoption DNA pool house and you don't know what the heck might come out. The door opens and you think "whoa what is this..." No one told me that was a Thing.
There are more things...and I am going to start slowly sharing those things as Jesus teaches me how. I believe it is important, because maybe someone will read this who is walking into the world of adoption and they need to hear some of these beautifully messy things... But Jesus first needs to teach me how to tell a story that affects me without telling my boys story for him. Maybe that makes since, honestly does my writing ever make since? (And I am here sitting thinking is it since or sense? and I homeschool- bless it to my bones Jesus.). What I do know is that I have a story to share, I have things happening in my life that some of it just needs to be shared with fellow mama's adoptive or bio. It is a reality we are facing and parts of it I believe do have a place and a small platform.
Someone asked me if I have always blogged. My response was that I am a seasonal blogger. The real time in my life where Jesus opened the flood gates to my writing was when I experienced my loss and infertility. So many (again I think 13) followed me on that journey. And Jesus in His infinite goodness used that and still uses those post when I was raw and real about my grief and pain. Then its been a come and go blog. I played with the idea of starting a completely new blog but honestly "Walking the Journey" it is just so my life, but if I could name it again I would call it "Bless it, to my bones JESUS." Ha! But I feel it in my heart and soul and in the tips of my fingers- writing is coming back to me. To share the journey we are on. The difference is the characters to my journey no longer only include me and Kevin, I have a whole cast to think about, that's a game changer.
This Weekend I sat in a room along side my soul sister and fellow adoptive mom and 70 other moms in a conference geared towards adoptive and foster moms. The name was REST. And it came at a point in my life, day, week, second, that I desperately needed rest. It was a sweet weekend, a weekend that has memories and a weekend where Suzie and I laughed (which honestly would happen anywhere...) and cried and processed somethings. But to be honest it was a really, really, really hard weekend that was very emotional and took a lot A LOT of processing.
The reality is: I am learning right now. I am learning about adoption and one of the greatest lessons I have learned is this...Adoption is birthed out of tragedy. No one told me that "thing." I was naïve to the tragedy that was happening all around me. The loss was great and in the midst of it was a grieving boy. No one told me that thing. And here I sit 8 years and 2 months later and I am baffled by all that went on in my little boys life far beyond what I could see. Jaden experienced a tragedy that as his mom I was unaware of, that breaks my heart on a level I cannot express with words on a blank screen. It wasn't that I had my head in the sand or that I didn't acknowledge something- I was not taught, I did not know, I was unaware and I desperately wish someone, anyone had told me. Jaden from day one of his existence (inside the womb and beyond) experienced tragedy and trauma. This is real, this is truth and my boy has been dealing with this pain for a long time, and as his mom I didn't know. I don't hang my hat there...that is not then end of his story.
And this is part of the "things series" Jesus is revealing to me and asking me to share...in HIS timing, with HIS words.
Don't get me wrong, adoption may be grief BUT JESUS the story does not end there. Adoption is birthed out of tragedy and covered in redemption. BUT JESUS! For these beautiful children. I hang my droopy, exhausted, out of style, worn to the brim hat on that EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. BUT JESUS.
As I walk this journey with my beautiful son, his story will be far more beautiful then anything I could ever write, or tell, or imagine all because of, But Jesus....
Bless IT!
