Giving Thanks with Empty Arms

I am amazed that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; I am amazed that all the leaves have fallen and that the cold of winter is upon us, I am amazed that months have passed, minutes have come and gone, and soon we will be welcoming in a new year.

I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.

The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.

So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.

So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!

Psalm 121: 1-8

We are doing well, and had such a relaxing weekend! I can’t express to you how good my God is to allow Kevin and me a trip like this. When I spoke to my mentor a few weeks back she asked me when and if Kevin and I had had the opportunity to go on a vacation, of course with the economy the way it is we felt as though staying put was the best decision, I have been praying for a vacation and time away alone with Kevin since we lost Judah- and although Kevin is having to work, we had the whole weekend just the two of us, God is so good.

I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.

Psalm 121 1-8
I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

6 The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever

It is interesting because this particular Psalm was written about the pilgrim’s journey ascending Jerusalem- a journey, a path, a distance, the ups downs and everything in between, I love this and I love even more what Beth Moore says about it…

“He (the traveler) looks at the hills in the distance, wondering and probably even fearing what might be on the other side. He anticipates the long, arduous journey ahead and, like all of us, wishes he could arrive in the blink of an eye rather than feel the effects of life on the road.” Beth Moore-

You could put my name in there, and I am sure whoever is reading this feels as though you could put your name in there, anyone in this economy feels as though they could put their name in there! These are uncertain times, not only in my life as walking the path of wanting a child, but in the path of everything it seems. I look ahead and all I see are looming mountains, I look behind and all I see are the mountains I have already come from, and I often times think, Lord can I make this? And the reply is steady, consistent, loving and patient; the reply is always “YES!” And he whispers into each of our ears,

“I will not let you stumble, I will never sleep, I will watch over you, stand beside you and be your shade, I will keep ALL harm from you and I will watch over your life, there is no place you can go that I will not watch, both now and FOREVER!” -God

And with that is there anything more we need? Anything more we can fear? Anything more we need to know? Today that is what I hold onto, Today and forever more!

Here a few pics

Here is where we are staying, and the dogs enjoying the vacation. First day is going great!!!

Boys enjoying their stay!

Bedroom

I believe this kitchen is better then our kitchen at home!

Bored so I moved furniture around, the boys liked that they could see out the window now!

This is just a cute picture of Kev with the dogs!

Unexpected Vacation (well for me...)

What a surprise! Kevin called a couple weeks back and asked If I wanted to join him on a business trip to Indiana, and then head up to Michigan to spend Thanksgiving with his grandparents. I was super excited about the idea, and so we waited to see if it would really happen. Kevin called Monday and asked if I would be willing to pack up and leave Wednesday, and I was! Since this is a business trip they rented us a car and will pay for a hotel and food, so off we set for an eight hour drive and a two week semi vacation!

We will be here in Plainfield Indiana for a week, where I will spend all my days in the hotel with the dogs (yea we got to bring the dogs!!), without a car and nothing to do, which is exactly vacation to me! I plan on getting a lot of reading done and sleeping in. God is so good to give us this surprise trip, and to be able to come with Kevin on a business trip is such an unexpected blessing. I will miss him during the day but it is so nice that we have our evenings together.

I will miss my family at Thanksgiving, and am sorry Kevin and I will not be there, but I am so blessed to be able to spend it with his Grandparents, of both sides. We are also anxious to see Grandpa since he just went through another round of surgery to try and locate the cancer. He is doing well, and we are really looking forward to more time with them

Easier to Breath

Today has been a peaceful day. It is chilly out but was not too cold for me to go for a walk at the nearby park. I have missed my daily walks with my dogs. When I found out I was pregnant with Judah I would go and walk every day, since losing Judah it was harder for me to find the strength to get out. I do feel the strength and healing that God is performing in and through my life.

I am enjoying a cup of hot tea and there is not a cloud in the blue sky. Days like these I feel so close to the Lord, his presence warming my soul and heart and letting me know things are okay. I am thankful for his everlasting love and patience with me, giving me the time to heal and never leaving my side. Today it is easier to breath, each breath full of healing and peace. I am so thankful for these days, God is so good!

Embracing the Season

The cold weather has made its presence known. Almost all of our leaves have fallen, and the holidays are nibbling at our toes, making people anxious to start the Season. As for me, I am not looking forward to the hallmark holiday, the Christmas trees, lights, decorations as I normally do. I am looking forward to meditating on Christ and celebrating a miracle that saved me. I am especially fond of the sweet story of Mary this year, as she lived out my hopes and dreams, unexpectedly. December is fast approaching, the end of our six month wait, and the due date of our little boy feels as though it is right around the corner.

I can’t be sure how I will handle this Christmas season, last Christmas season was just as hard as our due date was January. Seems it has put a new perspective on celebrating for Kevin and me, as we celebrate with great heaviness upon our shoulders. Each holiday commercial reminding us that we have no children to shop for, no great surprises for our little one, no picking out the toy you know they so desperately want. We don’t have children to curl up with in front of the tree and tell stories; I am not able to hug my belly in anticipation of meeting my second one, this is not the reality in which we live in this season of our lives.

We do have Christ to hold onto, Christ to find joy in, and Christ to provide strength for the tough days ahead, where everything seems to enhance family and children. We will embrace this holiday season, but probably a bit differently than those across the street or down the road, our house will be filled with joy and sorrow, as celebrate Christ’s birth and the loss of our child.

Walking in the Wilderness

I visited a church yesterday with my good friend Daniel. Kevin and I both enjoyed our experience there but still at the end of the day feel as though we do not really belong anywhere in this season of our life. The pastor spoke about wilderness, how there is a forced wilderness of your own doing, or a wilderness where God takes you away so that He can reveal certain things to just you. The obvious is true, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, and we are lonely, and we are searching for the way. We do not feel as though this is a choice we have made, but we do know that we have always given our lives away to God to do as He sees fit. So at the end of the day, I feel as though God must have something very unique and special for only our ears, eyes, and heart for he has lead us to the wilderness and we are not asked to leave just yet.

I spent sometime this morning reading a couple of passages in Exodus about Moses and the Israelites. There are so many things that struck my heart. My mom is always reminding me of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea, the Egyptians’ on their heels and God’s amazing protection and provision. Sometimes we feel as though we are standing right next to the Red Sea just waiting for it to break so that we can get out of harm’s way, the anticipation and doubt always nearby making its presence known.

As I continued to read about their experience in the wilderness I was once again moved in my spirit by a few distinct things. Those Israelites were grumblers. God was very aware that he had walked them to the wilderness, he was aware of the journey they were on, He was aware of their emotions and their hearts. They come through a huge victory of the red Sea, they sing and dance, and not even a day later they are complaining once again. Exodus 16:2 “IF only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and at all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Oh man I would love to get my hands on those stupid people. But just has I type this, and even say this I can hear the sweet whisper of the Lord…

“Uh Beth my dear, you do the same thing….”

My first instinct is to say “No Not ME” but I know do. God has brought me out of so many things. Even in this journey, I could have died with Eddie, I was hemorrhaging as I walked into that hospital, my stomach was already full of blood, God could have called me home, but HE didn’t. But I have been known to say “It would have been better if God had just let me die then…” I am not any better than those Egyptians. As I continued reading on, I continued to see them complain, and God would answer their cries, over and over and over, and they would continue their complaining.

Yes, Kevin and I are in a wilderness, not by choice but by God’s hand and direction. I do look forward to one day stepping foot into that river of freedom, but I do not know when that will be. For now, I must not complain in this wilderness, God knows my heart, my journey, my emotions (he created me). He knows my dark days, my good days and everything in between, and he is constantly providing for Kevin and I Just enough “manna” each day during this season in our life.

I know many of you who read this, feel as though you too are walking in a wilderness, have hope, God will prevail, and He will never leave you there by yourself. But when he does show the path to freedom, we must MUST walk towards it, we must obey, because I don’t know about you, but for Kevin and I we don’t want to die in this wilderness!

Fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream

As I sit here in front of the computer I can’t help but think about how my writing has slowed a bit. I think about this a lot; you would think that it would be flip around that I would write more now than the past, but for whatever reason God allowed it to be easy to write then than now. It is harder to write now….

What do you continue to write about? My journey is pretty much the same; the loss, the wait, the anticipation, the emotion, the healing. I know that each day brings a different healing, a different emotion, and different outlook, but the reality is still the same.

It has been so hard, and I would be lying if I told you otherwise. This past pregnancy, Judah, has knocked my breath right out of me; I am still not standing and find myself on most days just trying to catch my breath. Honestly I don’t expect it to be any different. I did not think that this journey would be easy, from the moment I heard “molar pregnancy” I knew that this moment in my life was going to be hard and it is. But I am walking it.

I have lost friendships, “we” have lost friendships, we have changed, we have slowly faded away from so many things we were involved in, we have found ourselves finding comfort in arms we never expected to find comfort, we have grown, changed and become different yet in so many ways we are still the same.

We have climbed the mountain hand in hand, we have let people go but have grabbed a hold of hands that understand and want to walk up this mountain with us. We have grasped the hand of Christ and not let go even on the darkest and hardest days we have held on to his hand.
We have left fakeness at the door and walked through living our lives in front of others as real as it gets, we have been criticized and laughed at, we have been talked about and advised and then in the end we have been left.

Through it all, there have been moments of fried bananas and scoops of ice-cream. That was what was sent to our table unexpectedly, given with the gift of dinner paid for. How can this be in a time of darkness? Some people really get being led by the spirit, really know what it means to be sensitive and allow God to bless us thru their amazing gift of generosity. How cool and amazing is our AWESOME God, who revealed himself tonight through fried bananas and a scoop of ice-cream! (Thanks, you know who you are! Enjoy the grinder!!!)

Today is HIS day

I don't have much to say when it comes to politics, but a close friend of mine posted this on her website and I just had to post it on mine because it spoke so much to my heart today!
I hope these thoughts from John Piper resonate in your heart as it did in mine! "I will always pursue HIS Kingdom first!"

Don't forget to pause my music before playing this....

Sunday Afternoon

I spent this afternoon taking some photos for my family! It was a joy and is always healing to be with my family. God is good to always allow moments where I can have peace in my spirit, I take a hold of it and try not to let that moment go! Let me know if you want me to capture moments for your family!!

Check out Moments Framed and let me know what you think! I love the feedback!

Our Life...

You know the phrase "when it rains it pours?" Well this has been our phrase for the last couple of years. Now please don't get me wrong, Kevin and I are so blessed and have received many blessings over the years. It just seems that lately it has been a storm. I could talk about how I went to go vote today, not feeling that great anyway, stood in line only to find out that my registration did not go through at the DMV, so I had to stand in another line to get registered, and then stand in another line to wait and vote. Finally MY turn, who do they place right next to me?? A first time mother with her 3 week old baby, so now I am not only sniffling because of a runny nose or because of the president candidates, but because every time I look down there is a scrawny little baby just begging me to grab it and take it home. Needless to say much of my ballet was left blank. OR I could blog about my wreck, how now every time I open the car door of my dear friend it yells at me that I have damaged it, it is also is head turner and you have to open it quick and fast.....OR I could blog about how I asked Kevin to take his shop-vac down to the basement (just a side note we are using the shop-vac because our vacuumed decided it life span was up....) and as he walking downstairs the shop-vac decided to lose its lid therefore allowing all of it dusty and dirty insides to sprawl all over our steps, tennis shoes, and tile! I promise that even as I right this I do have a smile on my face, and when the shop-vac fell, I did laugh…a little.
Here a few pics...

Could it Be?

It snowed yesterday! The first beautiful snow of the season. If you know anything about me then you know my favorite seasons are fall and winter. I love carving pumpkins, drinking pumpkin spice coffee, blowing leaves (until moving in this house where we have 31 trees in our front yard, we just blow the leaves into our neighbors yard....j/k Bill...), I love picking out a Christmas trees, seeing school cancelled because there was a dusting of snow, drinking hot chocolate, and lets not mention the cute outfits- more layers is better and that is the best way to cover up an imperfect body!

So...after my downer of a blog the other day, that I am sure caused many faces to drop and I am sure got responses of "oh my our poor Beth, she has fallen so far that now she is cussing....whatever will we do?" (PRAY) I decided that we needed a blog to let you know that even in the darkest moments His light is shining, pointing the way to freedom, and yesterday that was through the snow not the shit (ha ha, I just had too!).

Crawling Through.....

Warning this blog has some graphic words and scenes, Just being real here people!! Don't forget to pause my music if you choose to watch the video...

Let’s be real, stop beating around the bush, stop putting on an act, stop pretending to be something we are not. That is what I have tried to do on this journey; I have tried to be as real and honest as I can. I have tried to give you a clear picture of this journey as best as I can, to let you in on the toughest days, the ups and downs and the raw moments that can change a person forever.

I have no regrets about starting this blog, even though it has been criticized and even though people have bluntly told me the things I am doing wrong. I have been tempted to pull the blog, so tired of defending my journey and why I have written what I have written, I have been tempted to stop writing, and deal with this journey silently. But that is not what God has asked me to do; from the first day of finding out about Judah I have been honest and real in hopes that God would get the glory, even in the darkest moments, and I really believe he has.

I debated on writing this, but I really believe that this is what describes so much of how I feel sometimes. This past weekend with Jamie we watched Shawshank Redemption. It is a graphic movie (not a family movie) about a man, Andy, who was innocent but blamed for the murder of his wife and sent to prison (if you want to watch this movie and have not already most likely I will ruin the ending for you in this blog…just a warning). The prison was awful, and the inmates were beat pretty bad by the guards. My favorite scene of the movie is this: (warning: language and graphic and WILL ruin the ending…)





He had to crawl through 500 yards of shit to get to freedom, can you imagine what that river must have felt like? Washing him clean, embracing him and sending him to freedom?? It did not change the fact that he had to crawl through the shit, it did not change the reality of what he had to go through get to freedom, but can you just imagine what that freedom must of felt like?
I called Kevin after watching that, and said through tears, this is my life right now, we are crawling through shit, that is the reality, a molar pregnancy and ectopic pregnancy, fear of cancer, not being able to try, loosing a fallopian tube, the fear of not being able to conceive, there is no other word, it is pure and simple shitty….but the freedom that comes at the end, knowing the healing will wash you clean, sweep you away, oh man- that is worth it.

Sometimes in the moments that are the toughest I feel as though the tunnel will never end, sometimes I feel as though I will not make it another yard, but I do, I DO. I think as Christians we feel entitled to a life without the shit, nice and clean, pure and simple. Why? Because I am a Christian, Well if this is how you feel then let me tell you a little secret, the walk, the journey, dying to yourself, your wants your desires, suffering for His words, Those in the moment, it hurts, it sucks, it is painful- but the outcome, the real picture, the end- that is what I live for, the Glory for the Lord, but it does not mean that the journey will be easy, it will most likely be the toughest journey we will ever walk.

I know, that in the end, when I slide out of the tunnel and into the fresh water of the river, I will look back and say it was worth it, but that does not mean it will make it easier to live in the shit right now.

What a Trip

There is so much I could update you on, I think this might be the longest time I have ever stayed away from my computer. I could tell you about my drive up to PA, the roosters in the McDonalds parking lot, the cinnamon roll recipe that double out of the bread machine, Charlotte being one, my sweet conversations with Jamie, the photo shoot at Elizabeth’s grave (Jamie’s first daughter), the unbelievable conversation with my mentor Nancy, getting in a wreck on my way home on highway 81 (I am fine but my Honda accord is finally beat up…and I could have died…. I was able to steer my car to hit the guard rail and not one other car), my eight hour drive that took twelve, and then getting sick and throwing up through the night…what a trip.

In the midst of the bad drive home, I couldn’t help but think how faithful my God is, and although the drive was not the best, the time with Jamie and her family was priceless. Throughout the week I will try and sit down and really go through everything the Lord is teaching me. I first wanted to post a few pictures; I will be putting more on Moments Framed.

This is the dough for the rolls, still makes me laugh how much it made!

These are the roosters chillin in the parking lot- (I know not very interesting but I thought it was funny!!)

Update on Beth

Hello Everyone,
This is Kevin, and I just wanted to put some of your hearts at ease. I have had a few people ask me if Beth was alright since she hasn't posted anything for a while. Well, yes, Beth is doing very well, she went to go visit her friend this week, and will be back on Saturday.

Her friend is Amish so she does not have access to Internet... Ok, I'm actually joking about her friend being Amish, but Beth does not have access to a computer to update all of you. I am sure she will post when she gets back on Saturday or Sunday.

-Kevin

Lost in a Wave

A fresh wave of grief has washed over me, leaving me ragged and grasping for a breath. I am so amazed at how I am never fully prepared for the wave. I can see it in the distant, building and creating more momentum, everyday it seems closer, however still far away until all of the sudden I am entangled by its overwhelming power and relentless force.

I have tried fighting this wave, trying to get my head above the water to just grasp one breath that will give me strength to continue enduring it. However, the more I fight, the more I struggle, the more I get lost into the depth of the ocean of grief.

I am learning to not fight it, not explain it, but allowing it to overcome me, wrap me in its arms and when it is finish it will spit me out and wash me upon the shore of healing.

I am waiting to be washed up, for right now, in this moment I am lost in the wave of grief. I am not alone though, Christ is right here with me in this wave, holding my hand and waiting for me on the shore.

October 15th National Holiday for Infant Loss and Remembrance

As you read this my biggest request is that you would just stop for one moment, pause in remembrance for those who are walking this journey. That is all you can do, say a prayer of strength for us and remember our babies, which will mean the world to any of us who have been asked to walk this path.

I will light a candle tonight at 7pm along with many other women I am sure, and we will let the flames burn for the children we miss. I don’t remember my boys today any more then I remembered yesterday or I will remember tomorrow. I remember every day of every minute. I live to remember.

Today Kevin and I will not only remember our babies but remember those who are also grieving and missing their children. Our hearts are with you....we are grieving with you.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable Shoes.

I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have work the shoes so long that days will go bybefore they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

We are Home

It was such a great trip and we are so happy God prompted our hearts to go! Grandpa is doing well however it does look more serious then we anticpated. Please continue to pray healing and strength over his body. Here is a couple of pictures!

Love of Family

Tonight my mind is mulling over family. I have been saying “that’s what family does” a lot, I find it is a common theme in my life right now. Family. It is a big word, with a lot of meaning, used in many different scenarios.

I decided to look up the definition for family just to see, and this is what I found;

Family: parents and their children, considered as a group,

Funny thing is when I read that, that is not at all what I think family as. I think of family is so many different ways but I don’t know that I would have ever describe it as that, it is so much more, and really not one of the twenty definitions listed did it justice. I know that some people who think of their “family” have bad thoughts, a bitter taste, and memories they chose not to think of. Others hear the word “family” and their faces light up as they walk down the road of good memories and warm thoughts.

Family: a group of people, learning, leaning, accepting, doing, achieving, watching, frustrating, growing, changing, supporting, challenging, loving, dying for.

Those are just a few words that go through my mind. I guess for me family goes so much deeper then parents and their children, ESPECIALLY when you have accept Christ as your father, and all your brothers and sisters that come along with that adoption!! And by the definition I listed above Kevin and I are not a family- we don’t have children in our home, so are we any less a family?

Even as I sit here and write I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this term, around these people, around even my thoughts. I feel as though if we lean on our flesh, relying on it to do what “family” should do, we will fail miserably. If we die to ourselves, our flesh, relying on nothing more then the spirit that is within each one of us, we will love as a family should love.

A family should love no matter what, when you are down they come down with you, when you are up, they are up with you. Family is there, doing, helping and being, not because they have to, not because it is what is expected of you, not because it is what you are told to do, but because the spirit with in you is begging you to let Him love through you.

Kevin and I are always encouraging one another to not love with our flesh, because our flesh is bitter, is angry, holds judgment and grudges, it is self centered and self focused. The Spirit, Christ living, breathing, and dwelling in each of us, knows exactly how to love the person you most dislikes, knows how to accept the person that you get most annoyed with, loves the person who has cut you deeper then any sword or knife could ever cut. Christ within us all knows how to love. Humans; me, you, we only love in our most convenient ways.

I know that when I am loving not with my flesh but with the Spirit, I am not even aware of the things I am doing, because it is nothing of me and all of Him…so any good, or decent thing you see in me, is not me- it is Him, because I am nothing without his Love!