A Quick Minute

I have only but a minute before Ty wakes up from his morning nap and Jaden is ready for his morning nap! I wanted to let you all know how we were doing and the decisions we have made regarding Sweet Jaden's head.

After lots of sleepless nights for Kevin and not due to Ty waking up, Kevin and I made the decision that Charlotte was the best choice for our family. After Jaden's last appointment we wanted to make sure that there was not another way we could go about fixing Jaden's head. There are many different types of helmets and prices. However, Kevin did his homework and it was obvious that even though it was more expensive Charlotte was the best option. Once we made the decision we began praying for the financial help!

God is so faithful- a constant in my journey; I am not sure why I struggle with trust when God has proven himself faithful in every situation, even our darkest ones! Anyway Kevin started filing our taxes and with the money we are getting back we will be able to pay for Jaden's helmet! What a blessing that we don't have to borrow more money from family, God is good!

We are praying that Jaden will only need one helmet and that it will be a short process (two to four months...). I can't thank you enough for all the prayers and support. We are at peace with decision, I am just not looking forward to the trips to Charlotte once a week but you know maybe I will get the chance to see my amazing family that lives down there!!

Bump in The Journey

Monday was big day for Jaden. Sweet Jaden loves to lay his head on the left side- he has done this since he was born. I never really thought anything of it until I noticed the left side of his head was starting to flatten. We mentioned it to the pediatrician who at the time did not think it was anything to be concerned about. However the last couple of months we have noticed it more, and we started noticing that he never really looked the other way. So we mentioned it again and this time he sent us to a physical therapist to see if there was an issue with his neck...and there is! He was most likely positioned a certain way in the womb that caused the right side of his neck to tighten up making it hard to turn that direction, and now that his head is flat on the left side, it has become his favorite way to look.

So they sent us to Charlotte to Cranial Technology, a place that specialized in helping restructure the head. I was praying that Jaden head would be mild, but after a series of pictures and an exam he is considered "severe" meaning his flattened spot is now affecting the alignment of his face. You would not (or maybe you would...) notice to look at him straight on, but from certain angles you can really see there is a problem.

God has blessed us with two beautiful boys, and they are my miracles and my gifts. I am thankful for each of them and as a mother my heart broke yesterday as I realized my "perfect" gift needed a little helmet to help his little (in my eyes perfect) head. You can visit Cranialtech.com to see what Jaden will have to wear for a few (maybe more) months. After meeting with the therapist and driving two hours back home I think the reality started to hit us. This is really not a big deal and could be something so much worse but I hate that sweet little Jaden even has to go through all of this. He will now have weekly appointments with the physical therapist and weekly appointments for his helmet, which is located conveniently in Charlotte...a 2 hr. drive each week for a 5 month old.

I don't ever want to complain, but even with our amazing insurance we are looking at paying $1900 dollars, and that is for just one helmet, they think because Jaden is considered severe he will need another one and that one will be $2500, this is all after our wonderful and amazing adoption but that left us $18,000 in debt. I don't post these numbers to make you feel bad for us, but I have always been so honest on this blog and I am not about to stop. I know God will provide but I tend to look at our bank account and wonder just where the money going to come from....but I know God is a provider, He WILL provide!

You know after walking the journey of infertility I think there is a part of you that thinks wants you achieve the goal of parenthood that things should be a little easier because of the difficulty in getting there. This is such wrong thinking and I KNOW that, it is a constant battle against the flesh. I don't deserve a breath, I don't deserve life, but the Lord grants everyday to me- and after all He has done why would I start doubting His provision now? I have to believe that because things are tough right now that we are doing exactly what God has called us to do because satan is hating us and throwing anything he can our way. But we WILL prevail, not because of anything I am doing but because of everything HE is doing!

I have posted this saying from our Pastor many times in the past, especially when I was going through such dark days, I post it again because it is what I am holding onto...
"Where praise is the presence of the Lord is, and where the presence of the Lord is satan CANNOT DWELL...” So in the midst of yet another storm, we will praise, because we already know God has it all taken care of and also because (another great quote from my Pastor)”God will not attend your pity party, not even if you give him a hat!"

Jaden and Ty

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Comment if you would like the password....

Realizing Reality

As I sit here Jaden is watching Baby Praise and Ty is swinging in his swing, Kevin is watching football and I am catching my breath before the next feeding/nap time. Reality that I have two babies hits me everyday- it is more then I could have ever dreamed or imagined and I am content and in love with both my boys but I am also extremely overwhelmed...I have two babies.

For so long they were a dream- something I never could tangibly feel or truly believe. Then they slowly became reality- first with sweet Jaden's adoption and then Ty's birth. And now I am living it, my life has changed and will never agian be the same, and I am trying to learn this new part of my life and I am finding that I am not going to be able to do it alone.

The expectations I had before they were here have drastically changed. I was hoping to breast feed Tyler, however today is day 10 and my milk has yet to show up. I have been open handed about it from the beginning but I did not realize just how much I would care. After many nights of a crying baby and a crying momma I let it go and submitted to the bottle. Although it will be more expensive the stress of breast feeding was not worth it for my family. We need as much peace as we can get and I have to believe that God was in the midst of these decisions.

Tyler is an amazing baby- but so very different then Jaden- which he should be. I think because Jaden is all I have known for the last four months I expected Tyler to be like Jaden, he is nothing like Jaden and so I have to learn Ty, his cries, his grunts, his own unique ways!

I had the expectation that I would jump into this parenting two babies with both feet, I would dive in and have no trouble at all...however I am realizing that I am wading, sticking in my toes and then pulling them out quickly- realizing it is going to take me sometime and so I am going to need more help then I realized. I am so blessed to have an amazing family, my mom dedicating so much of her time to me and the rest of my family stepping in so that she can be available to help me. I could just cry because I am not sure what I would do without her...mom thank you...!

I know that God designed Kevin and I for this journey, I know that God chose these little ones just for us and I know that we will do everything we can to raise these boys to be Godly men but I also am realizing that we will not be doing this on our own. It really will take a village to help and I am learning to open handed with my boys even this early!

I give all praise to my God, to my King for how far He has brought us, with the miracles He has brought into our lives, I am nothing without Him and I am open to how He will write our story! It is a new story and journey and I am excited about all the twist and turns that I know lie ahead. My life is a simple life magnified only by the King!

Tyler James

Sorry this is so late- however this just shows you how my life is now!!! Wanted you all to know that Tyler arrived Thursday healthy and perftect! Weighing in at a wonderful 10lbs 2oz and 20 inches long! He is amazing and I am doing well and loving my full home!

Thanks for all the prayers and support! If you want more pictures please comment or email me and I will make sure you get the address!!!

Quick Update!!!

What an amazing Christmas we had this year. Despite the flood we woke up to Christmas morning in our basement and then the power going out, we really did enjoy each other. It was such a joy having Jaden and even though he could not understand what was going on we enjoyed our first Christmas together as a growing family. We reminisced a lot about past Christmases and where and how far God has brought us. I can’t even believe that God has blessed our family not once but twice and all within a year- we really serve such a big God who does big things!

I will be going to the hospital Thursday morning to have Tyler by C-section. They did an ultrasound at 37 weeks and he was already weighing in at 8 1/2lbs!!!!! BIG BOY!!! So the next week after they checked me and I was still not laboring at all they decided to discuss a C-section with me. We decided to go ahead and schedule a date and if he was to come before then well we would be ready….he seems to be cozy though! This last appointment they were a little concerned about my swelling, spiked weight gain and rising blood pressure so they put me on bed rest until Thursday. I will go in on Thursday and they will start the c-section at 11:30am. We are so excited and so ready~!

Jaden continues to amaze me and I struggle some with the thought of being away from him for two days. My amazing mom will be helping me in such big ways including taking Jaden for two days while I am at the hospital. I am a little anxious about the days to come as I know the recovery from a c-section will not be easy. I will not be able to lift Jaden for two weeks, so I can’t be left a lone. My mom will be a huge help but I also know she is torn between two places as she also cares from my 93 year old Nana. I constantly have to rely on God throughout this journey and know He is in control and all of this is a blessing!

I will try and post an update once Tyler is here but I have a feeling that the blog will be taking a backseat in the months to come. We are still updating Jaden’s website with pictures and if you would like the password and website please just let me know!

A Heart That is Full

As I sit here I am struggling to find the words to describe the week we had with Liesl and Tyler. It was refreshing, emotional, intense, fun and everything in between. Seeing Liesl see Jaden for the first time was overwhelming I think for us all, it has only been three months but he has changed so much and it was so emotional for Liesl.

We all enjoyed one another and as the week progressed things became easier. Liesl is so good and really does only want to love Jaden, she does not try to parent and was very respectful of our routine with Jaden. I think in some ways it was so hard for Liesl to be back around Jaden because it reminded her of how much she misses him. I know that the healing will continue and as time goes on it will become easier for Liesl, but right now the grief is still so raw.

Adopting is such an overwhelming journey I think for any family, it is so beautiful yet as an adoptive mom you do sometime grieve that you did not give birth to the child that you love as if you did give birth. I think open adoption is an even more overwhelming journey because you are not the only one loving this little one. Liesl truly loves Jaden, how could she not? I had to sometimes fight the insecurity of wanting to be the only important women in his life while she was here. Liesl and I are very open and were able to talk about this some. I am his mom, that never ever will change but as I have said before God did not choose to place Jaden within my womb as much as I wish he did. And for Liesl this is not how she pictured life with her first born would be.

As the week went on I became more and more proud of Liesl, she did the best thing for Jaden, giving him everything she could not give him. God is such a sovereign God and I am constantly amazed at his love for his children. He is not only calling out to sweet Jaden even now at a young age but he is chasing and calling out for Liesl’s heart and I look forward to seeing what he has in store for her!

In other news: I try not to post much about my pregnancy, however this is part of my journey and I don’t want to look back and regret not recording and journaling more. Pregnancy is interesting for me, Kevin and I talk about this a lot. To get pregnant was a journey as you all know, and then experiencing the losses left me broken and wondering if I could even have a normal pregnancy. God is so faithful and I would have and still would be so content and blessed with Jaden. I still cannot believe that God gave me the desires of my heart through both adoption and conceiving. I feel so blessed! This pregnancy has not been easy, but every time I want to complain I think about all my sisters who are so longing to be pregnant, and instead of complaining I say a prayer for you women.

To say this pregnancy has been easy would be a lie though- it has really been a challenge for me even from the start, just weird things like when my uterus would not pop, being so sick, having contractions so early and then Tyler being breeched. Each time I find myself wrapped in fear that I am going to lose Tyler that I am not going to see this pregnancy to completion. I am starting to realize (now at 36 weeks...yes I am a little slow) that satan was trying to rob me of my joy this whole pregnancy, trying to steal the enjoyment because he knows that Tyler is the palm of Gods hand, and this pregnancy is destined not by man but by God!

Yesterday I had my first of weekly appointments. Tyler has flipped, I am 50% effaced and ½ centimeters dilated, which is really nothing. For the first time I am so calm and relaxed. I would love for Tyler to come soon but that is only because I am so anxious to meet him, really and truly I am fine going another 4 weeks if it means he will be healthy and perfect. I know God already has his birthday written in the book of life and I am in no hurry to rush things. I am a little uncomfortable and Kevin likes to make fun of the way I get up or roll over in bed (earthquake style), my legs have started swelling and I find it hard to eat but other than that I am enjoying my last few weeks of this pregnancy. Kevin is always pointing out too that we don’t know if I will ever be pregnant again so to “really enjoy” right now!

For the first time in almost three years Kevin and I are also really enjoying the Christmas season, in years past we were trying and not sure if I would conceive or facing an unfilled due date. Judah’s due date would have been Dec. 27th and Eddies would have been January 25th. So Christmas seasons in the past were a source of grief. Although I still have moments of grief and missing my babies, this year God has fulfilled so many of the promises He has spoken over our life. I feel so full of joy and overcome with all that God is doing. This Christmas really means a lot to me, especially being pregnant and thinking of sweet Mary’s life and her pregnancy with Christ our King (which will be another post).

So as I write this post my heart is full, my home is a home of praise and my life is an open book as God continues to write our adventurous journey.

Is She Really Coming?

I find this question so interesting. My Sweet Girl, Liesl - Jaden's birth mom will be joining us along with her brother for Thanksgiving. When people learn of this I am amazed at the shocked reaction that I get, however, I do realize that if I was standing on the other side I would most likely give the same reaction. The shocked reaction is usually followed by "are you nervous?" If I answer "no" I am lying. My flesh, of course is a bit nervous, for Liesl, for Jaden and for me as a first time mom.


I relive the day Jaden was born…. I can remember hovering over Sweet Girl as she pushed life into this world. I will never forget the look on Liesl's face when they held up her son for the first time, with tears flowing down her face all she could say was "he is beautiful..." and he was. I remember falling into our amazing nurse - Beth's - arms and whispering to her, "pray for her, please pray for her..." I remember following Jaden over to the bed and watching them wrap this sweet bundle up- I whispered a sweet welcome to him and then watch as the placed Jaden into Liesl's arms- I stepped back watching a moment of such intense love I thought I would melt. Liesl gazing upon Jaden with awe and disbelief that she brought this little one into the world and she had chose life for him.


I knew at that moment that nothing could separate the bond between a mother and a child- I don't care who you are. God had chosen to place life inside this young girl. This is where the impact of infertility still rears its ugly head- the question of "why?" But I cannot question God, I know His ways are not our ways and I rest in his goodness. For our journey I see what a gift our little Jaden is in Liesl's life- in a way he in return is offering her life. Sweet Girl is choosing to make better choices so that she can make Jaden proud of her. Jaden will always be proud of her because Kevin and I will always remind him of the amazing choice she made not only in having him but giving him to us. I am so very proud of Liesl.


My flesh may struggle some with the thought of another women in Jaden's life, as a mother you want to be the most important, the only one, but that is not what God has asked of my life as a mother. God has asked me to become a first time mom through adoption, and I am honored that he has chosen Kevin and I to raise Jaden. I am so thankful I am submissive to the Holy Spirit, for when he overtakes I am overcome with Joy that Jaden has sweet Liesl in his life.


You will hear us call Liesl and Tyler (her brother) our family. This could not be any truer if my mom and dad were their mom and dad. I cannot explain the love we have for them; I cannot explain the bond that has formed. We are not "acting" as a family, or just "saying" we are a family, in our eyes and I KNOW God's eyes we are family. Liesl is really coming for Thanksgiving and I am beyond excited because I know when it is a God story, as this one is, then it is going to be an AMAZING week with them because it is nothing of us and everything of HIM.

A letter to Myself

Dear Waiting Mother,

How my heart longs to speak to yours, to encourage you, to speak words of life, patience and endurance. I can remember the waiting days; they are only but a moment in the past. Their ache, grief and questioning still leave their marks on my heart. Yet as I sit here now I sit with a heart full of joy.

As I am living out my miracle I can’t help but think of you, remember you and carry you with me. I can’t help but think about what I would say to you as you endure your wait, as you see one more negative pregnancy test, as you learn you are losing a baby. I can’t help but want to encourage you, to speak to your aching heart and let you know that your joy is just around the corner, and that the wait- well the wait is worth it and the journey- the journey is what makes the joy that much sweeter!

I know sweet Waiting Mother that it is hard to see beyond the tears that fill your eyes and the grief that fills your heart; I know how hard it is to see beyond the hundredth negative pregnancy test and the not so good report from your doctor. I know your heart hurts every time you hear of one more friend, relative or coworker who is pregnant. I know you try so hard not to question God, but in the quietness of your heart you find yourself questioning God. I understand the sleepless nights, the endless frustration and the hurt that comes from comments of people who just don’t get it. I just want you to know that in the end, it is all worth it.

There will come a point where you look back over your journey and you will be at peace with every step, every tear, and every loss. You will still grieve, it will still hurt, and the scar will remain but the joy you will have will heal in a way that is beyond comprehension. I just want you to know that the journey will be worth it, I can promise you that your joy will come in the morning and although there seems to be no end to the darkness in sight, it will end.

So hang in there, cast that net one more time and watch as God fills it with unexpected joy that will be beyond anything you could ever ask, imagine, or dream of.

Love,
You on the other Side!

A Reminder to be Reckless

I am learning so much not only as a mother but also about God and His character, His love, His desires. Adoption has been a beautiful experience for our family, I can't imagine life without Jaden and I can't imagine the journey being any more amazing then it already is and has been. With that said I don't think anyone could have prepared my heart for the emotions that come along with adoption.

The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.

Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.

Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!

Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.

To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.

So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.

It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!

An Update!

So I have been getting some grief about my lack of blogging. It is not because I don't have the time; Jaden is such a good baby right on schedule and is giving me lots of rest not only at night but during the day as well! It is because I am so uncomfortable at 30 weeks pregnant, I try sitting at the computer or even on Kev's laptop and find myself unable to write or think because of my aching back. I AM NOT complaining, I am just saying that my computer time is very brief now, just long enough to catch up on all of you and then lay down!

Jaden is such a joy; I am amazed at how quickly he has grown and how quickly time is passing. We are nearing the end of October and Thanksgiving seems right around the corner. Liesl and Tyler will join us and my whole family for Thanksgiving this year. I know that when Liesl gets here the first couple of days will be an emotional roller coaster for her seeing Jaden for the first time. I really have no expectations, I know that it will be good but I also know it may be difficult. I am excited to have Liesl and Tyler with us and know that our family time will go quickly and will feel too short.

I can’t believe I have just about 10 weeks to go; to say I am not overwhelmed would be a lie… God has been so good and has given me the best baby in the world. I know that no matter what type of baby Ty will be he will be amazing but some days I can’t imagine adding another new born into our family. I can remember feeling this way about Jaden too, I could not imagine really what it would be like when he finally arrived and honestly it feels as though he has been a part of our lives forever. Kevin and I are both enjoying this part of our marriage and journey and look forward to the next step with Ty.

Kevin is staying busy with work, got over the flu just fine and none of us got sick. My last OB appointment was great, I am doing well and my contractions have really slowed down. The leaves are really keeping Kevin busy this year because I am unable to help him. He is such a good husband and father and has taken on so many things that I am unable to do.
Just added new pics to our family album, please don’t hesitate to ask for that password or address!

But here are a few to wet your appetite and a few of ALL our LEAVES!

Do You Trust Me?

Walking the path of infertility and loss took a lot of trust in God. There were so many days, and so many moments when someone or God himself would ask me "Do you trust Me?"

You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”

As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”

As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”

When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”

Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”

With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….
　
　
　

Learning

Being a first time parent is an amazing learning experience. I am in so many ways blessed that I am the last of most my friends and family to have a child because I learned from all of them. However watching someone else parent is completely different then parenting yourself, this has been eye opening for both Kevin and I.

It is so much fun watching Kevin as a father, and even more fun to watch him amazed at how much formula and diapers we go through. Before we had Jaden and before we knew we would be having two babies so close in age Kevin and I discussed using cloth diapers, now I think he realizes just how convenient diapers really are, yet, how expensive they are too!

One thing I have not written about much is my pregnancy. I am now 26 weeks and the last few dr. visits I have had they have warned me of pre-term labor. I am not in pre-term labor however I am having strong Braxton hicks, and with a new born am not getting the rest I would be getting if I was just six months pregnant. It is a unique situation to be six months pregnant and have a 5 week old; I have yet to find a book on how to accomplish both....

And so God has been teaching me so much about sacrificing. I am having to sacrifice so much of what I thought life would be like with Jaden, since I am having to also take care of sweet Ty. I am having to sacrifice my wants and expectations in order to rest and maintain a healthy environment for Ty. But isn't this exactly what parenting is really about, sacrifice? Didn't Christ our Father pay the ultimate sacrifice for his children and are we not to walk in the same ways?

It is a constant lesson, you would think I would have learned it on my journey into parenting, yet here I am learning it in the midst of parenting. I am thankful for the lesson and know that I have many more to learn!

My Heart

This will be my third time of rewriting this post. I have even posted it, you may have caught it, and then pulled it off because I knew I was still not writing was really in my heart. I am still struggling to find the words to describe why it has been so hard to blog this journey so far.

The blog I posted this past week was called "Stepping Down." In it I describe that I was being asked to step down from the platform in the IF community, I realize now that I am not really stepping down, I will always have a voice when it comes to waiting and loss, however my journey has now taken me into parenting, and this I feel is my new platform. I also talked about how I wish I could so desperately take you girls who have been my closest friends in my waiting and darkness with me, however I now realize that you are walking it with me, cheering me along and setting aside the ache in your own heart to find joy for me.

5 weeks ago I was still waiting for my miracle. Even though we knew sweet Jaden was on his way I was still dealing with doubt and fear because all I have known is loss, so I in a way I was expecting loss. When the miracle of Jaden was born, and I held him in my arms and realized he was my son my world changed. Everything I ever knew slowly disappeared and took on a new shade. My wait, my loss, they all looked different in the eyes of a girl who was holding what she had been waiting for.

When I sit down to write out my emotions they get stuck in my heart because I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for others. I can remember my closest friends struggling to tell me they were pregnant, I remember the joy for their miracle but the pain of loss and sorrow that entered my heart at the same time. I know when those of you who are still waiting for your miracle read about my journey into parenting, it will cause sorrow, and everything in me wishes so badly I was not the one causing this pain. So it has been easier for me just to not write or say anything about the joy I am experiencing, because I don’t want to cause you pain.

I am amazed by each of you, your support and love overwhelms me. I also remember all the times I had to push aside the ache inside my own heart to embrace someone else’s miracle, and I have to say I don’t regret ever doing that.

My journey has changed, and it is not fair to anyone for me to write about loss and waiting but not turn around and write about my joy and the gaining of a son.

On August 14th, Jaden Daniel was born. My heart melted the moment I saw him. My knees buckled and the nurse had to catch me, a part of me I never knew blossomed and bloomed and I became a mother.

To say I am in love with this little one is understatement. I never knew I could have a love like the love I am experiencing for Jaden, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I look into his eyes, when I him hear cry, when I see him sleeping my heart explodes and I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. I would have waited a life time for sweet Jaden and I will never understand Gods favor on Kevin and I.

Thank you for being apart of this journey, for supporting me, for walking along side of me even in the midst of your sorrow and ache, you will never ever know how much it has meant to me. Please know I never mean to be insensitive in my writings, but it is time that I step up on a new platform that God has given to me- parenting! I am excited that my writings will change from waiting to having, from loss to gain, from sorrow to joy. We serve a good God!

Looking Back Embracing the Change

As you can see I have been working on my blog...change....seems to be the theme of my life right now, so much has changed. This journey has taken me on a ride that neither Kevin nor I could have imagined, dreamed up, or written. This journey really has been a God ordained, God written, God established, and God completed journey. As I stop and think about it I realize that this is still just the beginning of such a huge picture and story that God is writing.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!

I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.

I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:

Turning the Corner

This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.

On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.

After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.

Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.

We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!

Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!

Doing Well....

We are all doing so well, hard to believe sweet little Jaden is 5 days old. We are still in Colorado waiting for paperwork to be filed that gives us permission to leave. Hopefully in the next few days I will really be able to sit down and give you all updates. For now just know we are in love with this little boy! Continue to pray for Liesl, she is amazing but this time of transition is not easy.

We will not be posting pictures on my blog, because it is so public. We will set up a photo album, if you would like the password please email me silvertanner@gmail.com. Hopefully we will have that set up in the next day or so.

thanks for all the prayers, please keep the coming, we are ready to be home with this little one!!!

Friday August 14th, 2009

Jaden Daniel was born!!!! Weighing 6lbs 10oz and 20 inches long! He has a full head of dark hair! He is amazing and is the best baby, we are so in love!

Unable to update now. Please continue to pray for Liesl and this time of transition, she is doing amazing and is a strong young women.

HIS Journey!

As I sit here today I can't believe that I have already been in Colorado for almost a week. In some ways it feels so short and in other ways it feels like I have been here for weeks. The hardest part of being out here has been to be without Kevin. God is sustaining me in ways I could have never imagined, but it is really hard not having your husband here as your emotional support.

Liesl is amazing, our journey is amazing and God is constantly amazing us. It seems to be a theme. God is showing himself to Liesl in ways I am even astonished by. He is calling out to her and her family wanting to love her right where she is at. We are staying busy, laughing a lot and having lots of heart to heart conversations. We have stopped telling people we are “like” sisters and have moved right in to being “sisters.”

Yesterday was such an eventful and unexpected day. My routine has been to get up early and spend some time alone and with God, allowing him to fill my heart with his love and strength. After a couple of hours Liesl and I always meet up for the rest of our day and yesterday was no different, except God showed up in such huge ways. Before yesterday “C” (Jaden’s birth father) would not sign papers, he was totally against signing anything. Liesl and I decided to call our agency and make a meeting together to talk through some of the things that are to come and when Liesl placed the call she never expected to here that Beth Woods (agency councilor) was on her way to meet with C and his mom to get papers signed. We were shocked and anxious. I immediately sent out a prayer request to my family to PRAY PRAY PRAY, an hour later we got the phone call… C SIGNED!

We were both overwhelmed and excited, God is so faithful and this has been His journey and story from the beginning. Liesl and I have talked a lot about the days to come, the emotions that will follow and the doubts we are having. She is confident in the decision she is making, but giving up a child is the hardest thing any girl or women could ever do. I lost my children not by choice, Liesl is CHOOSING to give her son the BEST life she can, and I am truly amazed by her.

I ask that you would be in prayer as the day gets closer; I know emotions will run strong and I know we cannot truly prepare ourselves for what is to come. Please pray especially for Liesl and her family as they walk this journey. God is faithful and will continue to be faithful!

Liesl had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, she is 4cm dilated and fully effaced! They are expecting any day but if she does not come by Wednesday of next week they will talk inducing, which means Jaden will be with us in less than two weeks!!!

I am Here

“I am here…” This seems to be the phrase I have been using a lot. I arrived at Liesl's and LeAnn's (Liesl's mom) house yesterday. We hung out for awhile and I showed her all of Jaden’s things, it was fun to look at all the outfits and talk about his arrival, still so surreal. We then packed up and went to dinner with Tyler. We had a good time and are really bonding as a family, talking through everything that is to come in the days ahead. I will not have internet access all the time so my updates might be random.

I am doing well, getting nervous and am anxious about his arrival. I still don’t think I will rest easy until this little one is in my arms and we are heading towards the Blue Ridge Mountains. I am overcome with emotion for what I know Liesl is going to experience and am in deep prayer for her constantly.

I am thankful for God’s sovereignty and rest in it by the minute. I know God is faithful and I know I can’t rest in my expectations or wants but I can rest in the love He has for me and this family.

Thanks for all the prayers we need them!

Emotions in Colorado

Well I am here! It is a strange feeling to wake up in Colorado, but it was an even stranger feeling realizing I was coming to Colorado to pick up my son. I don't know if the true emotions of what I am doing here have truly set in.

I did sleep the best I have slept in weeks last night, Kevin said he slept well last night too and I think it is because we are at such a peace with me being here. The goodbye at the airport was a teary one as we could not say..."see you in a couple of days," we left not knowing how the rest of August will play out.

I am staying at Kevin's parents house until Monday, then I will head to see Liesl and stay at her house with her for the remainder of the time (please pray sooner the later). I am trying to relax and enjoy the last few days before I am mom, but it is so hard to do, I am so ready to meet, love and cherish Jaden!

I will update as I can and we appreciate all your prayers, we need them!