Reflections Over a Sunset

What peacefulness I feel right now as I am watching the sunset. I can only hope that I can grab as much of this peace and take it home with me. Each passing second the sun drops a little more, it takes on new colors and it makes everything in its path take on a slightly golden touch. Moments like these make you reflect on things deep inside of you...

I can hear your quiet whisper,

feel your breath upon my face,

see you painting the sky vibrant colors

you are watching me, holding my hand

catching my tears, loving me.

Oh how your hand only works in magnificent ways

your eyes touch me and leave me wanting more of you



I sit quietly waiting for you

you show up in wondrous ways

you are always working, always moving, always wanting

you seek me and know me

you see my pain and your voice offers healing



you are mine and I am yours

you don't want anything more but me

I am enough for you and you are enough for me

you make me smile and you make me laugh

you place things in my life that I don't even see



you paint pictures in the sky

wash over me with your waves, taking my breath away

you are my dream, my story, my love

You are my God
~Beth

Capturing With Your Heart

I can't believe we will be leaving tomorrow- this trip has been so healing to my soul and spirit. The Lord keeps blessing me with his wonders! This morning as I drank my coffee out on the deck and enjoyed the soft breeze and sunshine the Lord place a dolphin right in front of the house to do some dancing and jumping for me - reminding me that I should do the same not for the world but for my father! What a blessing!!! I tried to capture it with my camera but failed, the Lord gently whispered to me that some of the greatest wonders for us he does not want us to capture them by picture- he wants them to be captured in our hearts- just for us, it was a gift just for me.

Here are a few pictures I took of the sunsetting last night- it was such a blessing to watch it with my mom- the pictures do not do it justice- once again it was really just for us!

The picture below is the view from the pool we enjoyed everday!
This picture I just took- this is where I have been doing my writing, don't my feet look relaxed!

Ocean full of Healing

My day started off by waking up and rolling out of bed right around 9:30am, I lazily wandered downstairs for a fresh brewed cup of coffee. I took my hot cup of Joe and walked out onto the deck, sat down in a rocking chair and let the warm sun and caffeine wake me up. As I sat there my senses were slowly awaking as well, I could see fish jumping in the water, doing a private little dance for me, smell the salty beach, and hear a distant child calling for his daddy to come see something, all the makings of a perfect morning at the beach!

I finally made the decision I would head down for some mother daughter time at Holden Beach, NC. I cannot thank my Aunt Nela and Uncle Jim enough for allowing us to use their beach home for the remainder of the week. It was not easy leaving Kevin, but we both felt this was the best time to go, and all the puzzle pieces of life were slowly falling into place for Mom and I to escape, and escape we have!

After drinking our hot drinks and visiting some on the porch we decided to tackle the beach. I was picturing it all in my mind...setting up our chairs and an umbrella, and letting the waves sedate me into 'never never land.' Mom and I packed up a little red waggon with our chairs, towels, books, hats, and sunscreen- all the ingredients for relaxation, and headed down to the beach on our little scooters. Half way there mom's scooter decided that it had enough and needed a break and resulted in mom pushing the darn thing the rest of the way-I did have to giggle a little.

We finally arrive and as we approached the beach we quickly realized this must be the week to come, it was packed! We thought about just turning around then and there, but then decided against it, we figured we would find our own little spot and be fine. Well it took us fifteen minutes or so to figure out how to set up the umbrella- we were both out of breath and sweaty by the time we finally got the umbrella up and everything in place. We plopped down into our seats and as I took in the scene around me I realized that the family right in front of us had two baby infants - one being a baby boy, which is the hardest. I turned my chair around the other direction and tried my hardest to relax a bit, but it was crazy with all the kids and family.

Finally we were so hot we decided to attempt a swim, as my feet hit the water it was amazing, so cool and refreshing, I thought to myself "now this is what I've been waiting for." Mom was following close behind, and I had just dunked my head under the water and as I came up, I realized our hard work and best effort with the umbrella had just failed us, it was blown completely over, I am sure it was a site to see. Mom and I looked at each other and decided, that was it for us, we packed all our things up and headed back to the house. I was a little disappointed and was feeling quite overwhelmed- we decided to head to the pool, and this is where relaxation found us. We spent the remainder of the afternoon just two beauties basking in the sun- pure joy!

After a fabulous dinner and some shopping we decided to head to the beach that evening and walk. That was the best time to go, there was no one there, and I decided to head to the water for a swim. This time as my feet hit the water the healing hit my soul. What an amazing feeling to be swept away in the beauty of Gods waves, I was the only one in the water and it was heavenly. Somebody great (aunt Kimmie) once told me "there is something very healing about the ocean," and that there is, and I am feeling it. I told mom tonight, in one of my tearful conversations, that maybe the ocean is made up of all Gods tears that he has wept for each one of his children, me included, and as I swam in the ocean tonight my tears were added to Gods.

LOOK Thats a BEAR

So Kevin and I went on a walk tonight in new area that we found recently on one of our hikes. As we were on our way Kev yelled out "Look that's a bear..." I turned to look down at where a trailer park was and sure enough there was a black bear that had just crossed the road.

This was THE ONE time I did not bring my camera with us, so we got a picture (which is not very good) with Kevin's camera phone. We followed the bear for about 5 minutes, and it was so cool- just another wonder from God! How lucky are we!!!

Notice the black thing in the middle of the circle? Yes that is the bear. I know it does not look close and looks more like a big dog but I assure you that is a black bear!

To the Beach or Not...

My mom and I are trying to decide whether or not we should head down to the beach for the weekend. You might read that sentence and think it is a no brainer- come on the beach. I also feel this way, but am having such a hard time leaving my husband and my dogs. They are such a healing comfort to me and it is not easy task to leave, (and picturing me in a bathing suit right now does not look that good either). Decisions are some of the hardest things for me in the present moment; what to make for dinner, what to wear, where to go, what to do, are just a few examples of everyday decisions that are so hard for me. I at this point want to go, but also am aware that when I get home Kevin must take his first business trip to Texas, so it would be our first official week apart from each other since losing Judah and that is so hard. What to do? I just don’t know. I do dream about the waves and warm sun, feeling as though this would be such a healing experience for me. We shall see.

God is Love

It is a Monday afternoon around 2:27pm; some days are long days and today seem to be a long day. I spent the majority of last night and this afternoon reading through all my blogs, you really can see the ups and downs of the journey. Then I spent some time reading through blogs written by parents who had lost infants at a young age, some only living moments, seconds, or days, I cannot imagine the journey these remarkable parents are on.

I ran into these blogs when I went on a search for mothers who were maybe on a similar path as mine. I was hopeful but in the end came away feeling more lonely. I can’t find anyone (at least not the internet) who has had an ectopic pregnancy, a molar pregnancy, PCOS, and also the struggle of conceiving (I think I was really hopeful). Many women I found who had had the experience of a molar pregnancy had children before or right after. I am sure there are a handful of women who have struggled with something similar or even more difficult than anything I have gone through. I am fully aware that even if there was someone it would still be such a different story as not every story is ever exactly alike. I think I was just lonely.

On my search I was truly struck at how much pain is in this world, I am extremely sensitive to this reality right now especially when it comes from losing a child. What amazes me even more are people who are dealing with this sadness, truly alone with no belief in God, for me it is only by God grace that I am able to put one foot in front of the other. It is one thing for parents to have to bury their children before them, it is not how life is suppose to go, but to have to do it without the knowledge of how much God loves you, I just can’t imagine. I do pray for the parents, that they would experience Gods love and Grace in their lives.

My sweet Kevin is helping me grieve by building me a special box for our two unborn children. It is beautiful and I will post pictures as he finishes it. One thing that is a difficult concept for me is that I never, not even for a second got to hold either one of the children God gave me. I have little things given to each of them, I have a couple of outfits given to me, or that I bought for them, cards and notes that I want to hold onto, that I will place inside this box, it will be the only physical thing I can hold onto, but it will never really take away the ache I feel in my arms.

God is consistently Love; my dad gave me a great phrase that helps me know exactly where I am….
“God is love, I know God loves me, I am trusting Gods love.” That’s it my friends, that is my life right now, one second at a time through Gods love. I pray this for everyone who does not have God to hold onto, I pray this love into their lives.

A Little Something...and Everything inbetween

Living

You are the King the Almighty One
Asking me to give you my son

Wash me away with your breath
Taking away the fear of death

I must truly die to live
The only thing I know to do is give

I give you my child my king
And praises is all I can sing

You are the one I love
You truly reign above

I know these things, oh as hard as they are to believe
But when I truly let go is when I am truly relieved

You are so good so worthy to be praised
Even though I die, in you I am raised

You are God you are king
To you I sing

I am tired I am weak
You are strong you are who I seek

I am on my face there is nowhere to go
But you my father is who I know

I know my mother’s heart
You are the one that put it there from the start

I crawl into your hands
The tears fall as numerous as the sand

You count them all and save each one
You pour them out on your beloved son

And as I cry the healing comes
As bright and shining as the morning sun

I must praise you; it is the only thing I know
Not for people not for show

It is you who I love as the mountains love the rain
I need you and want you for you are who reigns



~Beth

This weekend's Hike

For this weekend's hike, we went to Twin Falls in Pisgah National Forest. It was beautiful, and we had a great time.

Healing Day

Today I am feeling so amazed by Gods love in my life. I feel as though He is refining me and although along the journey it is the greatest pain I might ever experience it is worth every moment and every foot step. He is replacing my eyes with his, he is opening the doors to others, who journey I cannot imagine walking, but am drawing strength from. Everyday light is shining brighter then the day before and I feel a renewed hope. I know this can only be from him as I am very weak on my own. Today I remember sweet Elizabeth and Selah, two beautiful little girls that God called to ride the wings of heaven. I am amazed how their little lives have had such an incredible impact, even though their first breaths were taken in the presence of the Almighty One. It is so like our God to take something so small and innocent and show his amazing wondrous plans through them, I hold on tightly to that truth. I am thankful for their lives, thankful to their mothers and am thankful that God has called me on this journey. Although some days it feels like a nightmare I know that he will bring morning light, and the realization that this is so far from the terrible nightmare that I may feel it is. These are the days I hold tightly onto; as I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and the wind blow through my hair I know God is whispering his promises of hope, peace and Joy. I don’t know what a day will bring but I do know that today God is bringing his healing, and I can feel it so strongly, there really are no words to describe how this feels.

Now 18 Weeks Pregnant

You are now 18 weeks pregnant….. This was a newsletter I received from one that got neglected and I forgot to cancel it. When I first found out I was pregnant, I signed up for many newsletters that inform you how far along you are and what things you might be experiencing. Hard to believe I would be close to finding out what I was having (which we know would have been a baby boy), I would be feeling little baby kicks, and we would probably have the nursery started; I would defiantly be in maternity clothes, and defiantly looking very pregnant…Hard to believe.
You never know what a moment will bring, what a second holds, or what a lifetime will teach you. You can’t change your path, but you can change how you will walk the path, that is what I face every day, how am I going to walk this path? I went to the Doctors office yesterday to ask her a few questions about how I am doing. She was so assuring and said that I am handling things exactly how I should be, she was not concerned at all which was such a blessing. It will never be easy to walk into that doctor’s office, as I round the corner and pass the room where we had the ultra sounds, memories flood my mind and I find it hard to get past it, making me relive it once again.
Some days I am convinced I will wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream, that day has yet to come, my horrible dream is reality.

Thank You Lord

Tuesdays are extremely hard days, as I still have to go every week to get my blood work done. My mom, who is once again amazing and such a gift, has been taking me every week for support. Afterwards we always do lunch or something to help the day not seem so dark. Today we went down to Grace's house in Saluda. We had planned on going to a pool in their neighborhood but as we rounded the corner, Owen came to abrupt stop...someone else was there. We decided to just turn around and go back to Grace's house where we pulled her blue kiddie pool out and filled it up. It ended up being the perfect thing to do, providing much needed fun and laughter, Mom just "jumped" right in and it made it such a delight. Mom made me promise not to post any of her in the pool, but I can assure you it made us all laugh, and the kids loved it, until Owen decided it was time for Mimi (Mom) to get out...Oh what fun our family has. I am thankful that the Lord has invited them into the "house" as they walk this journey with me, and witness the miracle Christ is about to do.

"My Child, Get up!"

I went to church today. That is more of an accomplishment then I even give myself credit for. You have no idea just what it takes for me to decide to go to church. It is not because I do not love my church family and our church in general, but going out- especially where people know me- is huge. The decision to go anywhere or do anything is usually a big… no let’s say ‘enormous, massive, a titanic like’ decision. I have driven twice to the Fletcher Park, only to get there and turn around and leave – with two very disappointed dogs I must say. I am not sure where these anxiety attacks are coming from, I am not sure when they will leave, but rather then constantly fight them, I am learning to just fall into them and do whatever it takes to make them go away, and that usually results in me going home. For the first couple weeks into this journey I really struggled with the feeling of being “expected” to be at church, I felt as though that was the only place God might truly meet me, and heal me. I have been learning a lot in the last couple of months, and God is revealing himself to me in so many new and exciting ways. I am learning just how compassionate our God is, not that I did not already know this truth about him, but rather just how real it has become to me. Kevin wrote awhile back, about how we did things in order to get something in return. Even after loosing Eddie, and now Judah, I feel as though I am just now grasping the relationship aspect of God. It is funny that this is what he is revealing to me, I am an extremely relational person, so much so that if someone asked me what “religion” I was, I have always said in return “I hate religion; I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” How much of this relationship was based upon what I “wanted” from God, rather then what God “wanted” from me. In so many ways I based my relationship with Christ with a superficial check list that I created out of religion…
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Prayed…. CHECK
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!

Luke
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

Hiking With the Boys!

Hiking has become one of I and Kevin's favorite things to do on a Saturday- Here are few pics!

The End--

Flowers, Family, JOY

This was a day a while back but I know everyone enjoys pictures so here are a few; Mom, Grace, Dad, and the kids came over and helped me plant flowers- to lift my spirits!! They have done just that, I sit out and enjoy them as I drink my coffee- My family- such a joy!






(Owen was here, but he fell asleep in the car!)

"I Envy you...."

There are so many points to this journey where you learn so many different things, about yourself, about others, and about life in general. I am amazed at how many times I have been stopped on my path and astounded by what God is doing in someone else’s life. I am distinctly aware of others struggles and difficulties, often times feeling they exceed what I am going through. Kevin and I have received many emails and cards from other people who have gone through the loss of loosing a child. I am amazed at their vulnerability to share their story with us and am humbled by their encouragement to us.
However there has been a select group that God has placed in my life that has really spoken and ministered to me, who probably don’t even realize it. This particular group of women has amazed and astounded me and an in many ways encouraged me like no one else could. It has surprised me how many times God has placed one of these amazing women in my life, to remind me gently what God has given to me in the most kind and uplifting way. I know it is specifically from God as I have always walked away encouraged and never once have I been offended by their words of observation, as they look into a section of my journey. I also know this is from God, not only because I have encountered these women on more the one occasion, but also because never in a million years would I have thought they would be the ones to minister to me in such away.
This group that I am speaking of and have been setting the stage for is the women who are my age or older and not married. I know surprising right? Well for whatever reason this has been one amazing way God has chosen to speak to me and shine light on a situation that seems the darkest. One girl I met randomly at a softball game Kevin had. She had never come before and she never came again. She was there that night for a specific reason I believe, and that was to kindly remind me of what God has given me. As we sat and chatted through out the game, she of course asked the dreaded question that always makes my heart sink and my body cringe; “Do you have children?” I can’t really describe to you just what this statement does to me. Unless you have lost a child or have dealt with infertility you will never really know what this question does to you. Anyway I took this as an opportunity to share with her my story, interesting because I have not allowed myself to share with many “strangers” my story…to vulnerable. I concluded my story, and she looked at me with tender eyes and said “I cannot imagine how that must feel…” As the night progressed and as our friendship continued, I was truly enjoying her company. From that point on we did not say anything else of great importance, until the game was coming to an end, it was then she touched my hand and said, “Beth, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I have know idea what loosing a child must be like, but I still envy you.” I was startle and amazed, why in the world would anyone envy my situation? But as quickly as I had the thought she answered it “I am your age, not dating and don’t have any prospects for dating, all I want and all I have ever wanted is to have children and a husband, to stay home and take care of them. Instead I have an apartment, a dog, and am working two jobs to maintain it. I don’t even have the choice for kids right now and not only have I had to watch all my friends get married, but now I am watching them make and have their families, while I am still alone. I envy what you have Beth, because although you have to wait six months to try again for another child, you at least get to hold onto to the dream of children and be held at night by your husband while you are most lonely. I go home by myself.” At that moment my heart broke for this young women, she was beautiful and had a good head on her shoulders, and here she was looking at me and thinking “you are living the dream,” how humbling this was to me.
She is just one of example of many, and I have to say that each time God places another one of the extraordinary girls in my path; it opens my eyes up more to see what God has given me; a loving husband who in the midst of my mess still loves me. I am astounded by Gods grace and mercy in my life, I am living my dream, I am a wife to Kevin and that is more then I even deserved, and although I do not get to mother my children here on earth I am still very much a mother! God did not have to give me anything yet he choose to give me the gift of a soul mate and two beautiful children who will never ever experience pain, that is more then I could ever ask or imagine. Everyday I get to spend with Kevin in this life is worth it, I am a truly blessed mother and wife!
I do pray for these girls, I can’t imagine what they must feel everyday, how their hearts must sink every time they get a wedding announcement of yet another friend, I pray that their dreams do come true and that one day they email me and tell me of the love God has given to them, however just like me in the since of being asked to wait, I hope they know just how much their lives have impacted mine. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting what we do not have that we loose focus of what we do have, and I have more then I could ever imagine!!

A Joy- My family

What a blessing my family is, especially my mom, who ministers to me the only way a mother can. She knew I was having a tough week so she came and spent the day with me. She took me shopping and out for not only lunch but dinner as well. I smiled and laughed with her and really did come out of my hole for awhile and it felt so good. As she dropped me off she sweetly reminded me that it is okay to have a “good day,” knowing this would be something I would struggle with later, and it really was a good day. I can’t tell you what a blessing it has been to have my family close by. They really have rolled up their sleeves and gotten in the mud with me, often times helping me sort through my bag of mix emotions and frustrating feelings. They have cried with me, sat with me, cleaned for me, planted flowers for me, cooked for me, and most of all, loved me each and every day right where I was at. There will never be the right words to ever thank them, I will never find away to really express how much their love has meant to me. I can’t imagine walking this without them, one of the many things I find joy in right now- my family!

What's With All the Sadness?

What’s with all the sadness? This is a question I got through a facebook message. This is one of the reasons I will be cancelling Facebook and MySpace. Interesting, that someone could say such a thing, maybe they did not know the situation; or maybe they did and they were tired of me being so "sad" all the time, either way the comment still caught me off guard. I guess loosing a baby is not that sad? Well from where I am standing, and what I am living through it is extremely sad. I have so far had a hard week. I still have to go every week and get my blood taken to make sure that there is no “cancer” that is multiplying through my body. I dread Tuesdays every time. I hate needles and I hate waiting for the phone call, always very aware that my levels could go up. I am exhausted, swept away with many emotions. Sometimes I am not sure I will survive this. I am just frustrated, feeling very aggravated in the situation that I am in, yet having no control over it. I am tired and wish so badly I could escape the endless sea of thoughts and pain. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I don’t want to wakeup in the morning and I don’t want to do this anymore. I am feeling so desperate yet there is nothing I can do to change the situation I am in. "I did not realize you were still sad..." this is another comment I have recieved. Still sad? Still hurting? What do you expect? I am very sad.

Walking the Path

Right now I must wake up every morning and take birth control. How interesting that for right now God has really said wait in more ways than we could imagine. We have no control over the situation, I can’t change the reality that has been handed to me, and it is a path I would never have chosen. I may not be able to change the path or the outcome, but I can decide how I am going to travel it. Some days I do good on the path, I take my birth control and move on, trying not to think about what it is doing to my body but often times feeling its affect. I run through the list of things God has done for me, I cry at the thought of not being able to try, but I keep moving, continuing down the dreaded path, but with a heart uplifted not down casted. However there are those days, like today, where I don’t do so good; I put off taking it, delaying the action, and avoiding the thought. Then when I finally breakdown in taking it- not because I want to, but because of utter fear of what might happen if I were to get pregnant, and as I swallow the dreaded pill my heart sinks at the reality that is once again handed to me, and I breakdown right in the middle of the path. Either way you look at it, I am still walking on the path. People have said to me “I don’t know how you are doing it,” and how I appreciate those words, I really do, though I am beginning to realize that I have to “do it.” There is no escape route, no easy path, no easy way around it; I am faced with the reality that I have to “do it.” Just by taking breaths, is doing it, because it is choosing to live through it. I would be such a liar if I did not say that I have often times thought that dying would be such an easier way, then I would be with my babies, I would not have to think about whether or not we can or cannot get pregnant, whether or not my levels will rise and I will be faced with cancer, whether this will happen again, and the pain and grief over loosing another hope and dream and best of all I would be with Christ, wow what a great solution…it seems. I realize and know that this is not an easy way out, but it is something I am faced with everyday. As I wake up, place my feet on the floor and take yet another breath, I am choosing to continue down this path, easy or not I am walking it. I am so thankful for Kevin, who God has given to me to walk with me, side by side, hand in hand, and often times, in the arms of. I am so thankful that Christ walks it with us, each agonizing step, and battle he is there, healing, loving, and crying with us. I am walking this, well or not, I am walking it- and that is more of an accomplishment than I can tell you.

Home Sweet Home

Kevin and I had such a blessed weekend, thanks to Aunt Nela and uncle Jim (thank you so much!), they once again opened their home to us to escape for the weekend down in Charlotte. I appreciated it and can't tell you how perfect it was. Kevin and I don't venture out much when we get there, we usually get our "survival kit" which includes; movies, junk food, wine, and drinks, then it is just a matter of kicking back and enjoying ourselves. One of the big pulls for both of us in going to Charlotte is to visit some of our favorite, Cousins (which we missed all of you guys this time) AND...Of course stop by Chipotle...ahh...it is our favorite place to eat! We really did have a good time and it was the first time we were away from home which actually proved to be a harder task then I originally thought it would be. It took some time making up my mind that this would be good, and even more time to actually get in the car and go. Once there I was fine but we did get tempted to "Just go home" on more than one occasion, however I did appreciate not having anywhere to be or anything to do, which you all know is my biggest thing right now..."no expectations" and we did not have any! As we pulled into our driveway today, I was so happy and content to be home, I told Kevin it was good to go, just for the feeling of getting home! It makes me realize just how much I appreciate my home, I don’t want to move (PRAISE GOD), and I don’t want to change anything right now. For all of you who think I am “trapped” in my home, I reassure you - I am far from trapped, I am so happy in my home!
I tried taking pics of our weekend but we did nothing to take pictures of. So here is the one that I did take....Kev and I sat outside and played cards for a good couple of hours....we have so much fun together!!!

Late Night Words

My mind is going in a hundred directions right now, I can’t seem to even follow a single thought, and I am hoping that writing will be the reign that pulls it in. It is 10:50pm, Kevin is asleep to the left of me and I am once again wide awake in an endless sea of my own thoughts. I have actually had two good nights in a row; I was even able to fall asleep without the aid of my usual; two Tylenol Pm and two glasses of wine (Don’t worry you can pray for me later and sign me up for AA…). I consider it a success when I am able to fall asleep under two hours and stay asleep at least three hours at a time without waking up, and for two nights I have been able to do just that. We will see how tonight goes. It is entertaining to me that my writing comes easiest in the late hours of the night. I try writing when I first wake up with my coffee in my hand and the birds singing…., I figure this seems more like a “real” writer to me, not that I am even close to a “real” writer but I like to pretend. For right now though at night is the only way I can keep my mind in check and on some kind of logical path or maybe not logical at all, but at least occupied. It also is so helpful in passing the time as I wait to get sleepy, which always seems to take forever. Most of my postings thus far have taken place late at night, and then I save them re-read them a couple of times and finally get the courage to post them. I know I am not really a writer, praise God for Microsoft Word (if only you could see all the green and red squiggly lines…)! And even after all my editing and re-reading there are still so many mistakes and so many times I am sure you have sat there and said “wow, that word really should not have been used in that sentence…” Even so, I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me the strength to write, and even more strength to allow you to come along with me on this journey. You have to understand the vulnerability I must feel by opening up my life, grief, and pain and allowing you to see it in its most exposed and defenseless state. I try my hardest to not sugar coat anything, or to make it seem something that it is not, you are truly getting the best picture of this journey as I can give you, and it is not always easy. Grief is really something that is so private and personal, when you allow someone in, you are allowing their thoughts and judgments in as well, kind of comes with the territory. I am sure there have been many thoughts you have had that you would never voice to me and that is okay, keep it that way! And maybe now more then before ever reading anything I have ever written, you feel more at lost at what you could say to me in fear you might say the wrong thing, and that’s okay. Honestly I am not sure what the “right thing” would be. If I knew I would tell you, and tell you to say it a hundred times. I unfortunately don’t think it really exists, because what thing could you possibly say that could really ever make the situation any better? Not to be critical or bitter in any way, but honestly there are no words, really….there is truly no words to ever say that will ever really heal. If you ask people going through grief I’ll bet some of the best words, were the words unspoken. Sometimes the gestures are the greatest words, and the kindest and most rewarding pieces of healing. The people with the “right” words, are usually the people I continue to push further away, not that I mean to, but more out of a protective heart, guarding myself as best as I can. I know they are trying, I know they want so badly to help ease the pain a bit, but can anyone really ease the pain? God.... He really is the only one I know who can say the right thing, and sometimes it is hard to hear, but I appreciate hearing it from him, much more then hearing it from other people. Don’t worry, I know I am not around, I know you are not seeing me as much, BUT I am still listening to God, more now then I think I ever have.

City Champs - by Kevin

The last time I played in a championship game for any sport was when I was 12. It was the Longmont Baseball League (like Little League, but local to the city I grew up in.) We were playing for the 11-12 year old championship. It was the bottom of the 6th inning (that's all we would play) we were down by 2, bases loaded, 2 outs and guess who is up... that's right, yours truly. I was nervous, but confident, I had been doing well all season - but this was it...Either I go home with my head down, or I go home with a sweet plastic trophy.

I was not about to take a walk, I wanted it to be me to finish the game one way or another, not the kid who was up after me. The first pitch was about a foot outside - it took all I could to keep from swinging at it. The second pitch was coming in right over the plate, but it was high. Like I said, there was no way that I was going to take a walk, so I swung with all my might at a pitch right at eye level, I connected solid, and I knew it was over. It was a beautiful line drive right down the 3rd base line, it went over the 3rd baseman's head, and the left fielder had no chance of stopping it before it rolled to the 300 foot fence. As I rounded second, I knew the game was tied, and only one more run would win it all... The kid who was on first was running his heart out, and got home about 2 seconds before the ball got in...we did it, we were city champs. And best of all I was the one who finished it off. I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life.

As I said, that was the last time I have ever played in a championship game, that is until last night. I have been playing slow pitch softball with Volvo (for those of you that don't know, that's who I work for) we finished the season a respectable 9-5, enough to earn us a first round bye in the 12 team tournament. During this tournament we were just on, we ended up winning the first game by forfeit, because the other team didn't have enough players, so we were on to round 3 - we beat our arch rivals by a walk off tag up from first who was able to make it home (for those of you who don't know what a "walk off tag up" is - please go ask your husbands.

The next game we were down 0-4 going into the 4th inning - then we started hitting, and ended up winning 20-5 to make it to the championship game. I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I couldn't believe it, we actually made it to the championship game, I had dreams, and hopes of scoring the winning run, or turning the double play that ended the game, and gave us a 1 run lead. As it turns out, we did not need my last minute heroics, I went a respectable 2-3 with 3 RBI's, by the 4th inning it was practically over (see the scoreboard below - we were the guests)

We won the game by a final score of 20-2 to win the Asheville, Men's E division, Slow Pitch softball championship. Yes, it was only "E" division, but we still won it handily.

Next year, we get to play up to the D league, I can't wait to take that one on as well, I'll be dreaming of the next time I get to play in a championship game

My Husband!!!!

Oh- This is one of the many reasons I am so in love with my husband. I can't imagine walking this journey with anyone else. He makes me laugh and makes the dogs bark (they always bark if we dance...)!!! We truly have so much fun, God is so good to have given me my best friend!!! It took some persuading for him to let me post this....so enjoy!

Thoughts

I can’t sleep but know I need to sleep; I can’t rest but know I need to rest.
I laugh but feel guilty for laughing.
I have a good day and feel bad about having a good day.
I heal a little and think I am not ready to heal; I don’t heal any and wish so badly I could heal…even just a little.
When I don’t want to cry, I cry and the tears just keep coming, when I want to cry, I can’t force a tear even with my most horrible thoughts and best effort.
A darkness wanting to be released is waiting at my door step every day; some days I open the door and allow it in with open arms, embracing it and loving it and wanting to stay in it forever, other days I am able to lock it out and run in the other direction, never looking back but always aware of its ever growing and silent presence.
I know God is speaking and I know Satan is yelling.
I am fully aware of what is truth and what is a lie, the lie is always easier to accept and befriend.
I am unsatisfied with who I am, yet constantly trying to embrace who God has created.
I am a mix of emotions, feeling as though I can’t see clearly, yet sometimes I feel as though I am seeing things for the first time, more clearly.
I hear God in my darkest days, but in my best days he is silent. Some days I feel more free then I have ever felt, yet other days more trapped and alone then I have ever felt.
Some days I want a friend, other days I want no one.

I know I will make it through this battle, but sometimes I am tired of fighting.
I know the pain will heal, I know the reality will never change.

Letting Him

I am beginning to hate/love nights, this is the time my mind seems most vivid in its thoughts. I analyze, re-live, plan, strategize, and it is difficult for my body to shut down. I have been thinking a lot about my grief, how I am handling it, what I should or should not be doing, and what people might think of me. I have been wondering if my over dramatic, over sensitive and extremely emotional personality is what is causing my grief to be as it is, or could it be that I am truly in a place in my life that is tragic, and horrific reacting just as I should react. Am I over dramatizing? Some might say...Am I reacting exactly as I should? Some might say..... What do I say? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I do know that I cannot fake, act, or pretend anything that I have felt so far. I am who I am, grieving the only way I know how to, honest and humble, a mother who is broken with empty arms and a confused heart. I am me, and honestly I don't know who me is anymore. Is this what grief does to every person? Strips them of everything they once thought they were and making them so unsure of everything they thought was secure? I don't know, I don't have the answers but I am searching. When I talk to God, (which is now what I do, I can't pray...but I can talk) I am finding that we are having many conversations about his children walking through the fiery furnace, sleeping in the lion’s den, and walking through grief, pain, tragedy, and hopelessness. Why God? "To help you see me more clearly Beth." This seems to be the only answer I get on a repeated daily basis. In the midst of such a storm is when you really see Christ more clearly- but here is the catch, if you let him reveal himself to you.

Oh Lord, how I want you to reveal yourself to me
I want to see you clearly, to know your voice so deeply
to reach out and grab your hand, allowing you to take this pain
Thank you God for meeting me each day, right where I am at,
for not expecting me at any service, at any meeting, or on any date
Oh Lord when will the pain just ease a little, just a little?
I love you!

A Day in the Life

So- we painted, and we painted the office that was going to be the nursery. We both felt we needed the change and something different. We chose green..... I know right....Green? The pictures I will post does not look like the green we picked...just know that. We are pleased with the outcome, it was hard and we both kept saying how badly we wished were painting the nursery. In the Lords timing and perfect will!

So what do you think?

This is a little art we did...It says I am ok....HINT HINT HINT~~~

Ah.....

I did not tell him to write this!

Finished!! I know....green right?

A Walk Down Memory Lane with Bran Muffins!

Pappy and Grammy!
Me and Gram

I made bran muffins tonight....Grammy's Bran Muffins!

Now that might not be a very important act to you, but if you are any way related to me and know Grammy, then that struck a cord deep inside your heart and soul, probably making you pause and remember her face! My "Gram"- wonderful, kind, gentle, understanding, lovable, funny, unique, special, best friend, and so much more...are just a few things that describe Gram. She was my dads mother, and my grandmother. In the home I was born in, she and Pappy, lived in a little house right outside my home. My dad always tells the story of me waking up early in the morning, and dad taking me out to Grammy and Pappys house so that mom could get some rest. Oh Gram, to even think of her now brings emotion to the surface. When my parents moved, Grammy and pappy came with us. Dad and Mom found a house that had a huge basement that they converted into a home for them to live in. What a blessing that would be in the days to come. Pappy passed away when I was six years old. I don't remember much, but I do remember how much they loved one another, and what a strong man Pappy was, and I remember seeing Grammy cry. I know Grammy and I connected at a young age, she loved babies and she especially loved her grandbabies. As the years passed though, Grammy not only became my best friend, but I truly believe I became hers. I would spend my days at her house, playing all kinds of games, making up games, putting on shows for her, and of course going down in the middle of the night when I felt as though I just might "throw up." We were the best of buds, needing one another. As I got older I would Sneak down to her house in the late hours of the night, climb in bed with her and tell her how I would never, ever, leave her, if she promised to never, ever, leave me. She would hold me in her arms and tell me how I helped her grieve the loss of pappy, she would always say to me "I needed to be needed Bethie, and you needed me..." and oh how I did. Gram got me, talk about not having any expectations on someone Gram was that way. She never placed expectations on me, she always loved me right where I was at. Oh I miss Gram tonight, wondering often how she would encourage me on these toughest days. I dream of gram sometimes, and some of my dreams are so vivid, so real, I can literally feel her arms wrap around me, the smell of her, and her smile. One thing that I hold onto, is seeing Grammy hold my babies now. I know she is, I know she is loving them and telling them all about their mom, her Bethie. I can picture her laughing with them, and making them giggle, holding them high in the sky and embracing them. Gram was my rock in such hard times in my life. It feels as though when things now happen in my life, she should be here. Oh how I miss gram on these hard days, to be held by her again, to see her face, and feel her love, she was one of a kind, she was my Gram!

I personally think, that although I felt extremely close to Gram, each one of her grandchildren could write out a similar story based on Gram. She had a special way that made you feel like you had a unique connection just with her, that was one of her gifts!

Longing for an Unhendered Relationship

When I lay in bed at night, it seems my mind is most clear, I tend to think of things never thought of and I process much of what is going on. It is at night that I re-live the moments that have happened, and try to process what is going to happen. I begin telling a story of the future both good and bad, scary and peaceful. It is at night that things that should be asleep come most alive in a vivid imagination and an endless sea of wonders. Tonight my mind is not there yet. I often times lay in bed and wish I could put on paper all my mind is thinking, but unfortunately by the time I get paper and a pen, I start analyzing and think to much about what it is I just discovered deep in the brain. Tonight I am not sure what to write about, what to put on paper, or where my mind is taking me. It seems to blank and dark in every corner.



It is times like this that I wish I could open my mind up and allow the words that are forming in my brain to form themselves on paper, without hesitation without thinking to much about each word or the order of which they should be placed, but to allow things to truly flow from the mind straight to the paper as if a mighty hand from above was penning it for me. There are so many times that our words are hindered by our circumstances and by our situations, we allow the color of our day to inhibit the color of our words, they change by what people say or what you think they might say, they change by the wants and desires of appealing to others and they loose the true meaning of there veracity. If we could all live for a day where we were not held back by the worlds expectations what would it look like? How would you live it? Would you change anything? I think that so many of us would change so much about who we truly are, we formed by much of what the world thinks, and so much of what we see, hear, and live that we have truly lost who we truly are. I am so curious to even think, and go as far to say, I wonder how my relationship with the Lord would change if I was not influenced by peoples thoughts, teachings, and words. What would it look like if my relationship with Lord was truly based on my relationship with just him and only him. However, and ever so often, our relationship with God is not based on a true unhindered relationship with the Him, but rather built so much on the teachings of others, how we see other people live, what we have heard or not heard. I have so many times envied Adam, he would walk and talk with Lord and it was only them, Adam was not influenced by billboards, Sunday morning teachings, or what his parents thought or did not think, he was only influenced by his daily walk with the God, oh how I long for that. Unfortunately sin entered the world and at that moment our relationship with God was now view by tainted glasses, painted by and hindered with everyday sin and the flesh of men. Not that we don't learn from great teaching of the great teachers, chosen and anointed by God, but don't you for a second just wonder what it would be like to live daily in a relationship with God not hindered by anything, not sculpted by anyone?



I guess that is why we long for heaven, and oh how I long for heaven, more now then I have ever. I might have two babies up there, and that, only the Lord knows. I can't wait to live in a place where I am not dictated by fear, expectations, wants, and desires, but rather by relationship with my king.

My Journey...Right or Wrong

I am in no way trying to offend anyone by writing this. This is my heart and hopefully will speak to you, or maybe to someone walking a similar journey of grief, pain, and loss. I have taken a couple of days to write this and was hesitant to post it, but had to be reminded that this blog is a way for me to allow myself an outlet of connection and a way to share the different and difficult experiences on this journey. This was not directed at one person, it was directed at expectations I feel that may or may not even be there.

I am so frustrated, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people refuse to hear my heart. I understand that people love me, I understand they want the best for me, however I don't understand their expectations. I cannot fulfill your expectations, when you place them on me I fail and it adds to my grief. I am dealing the best way I know how. I am grieving the best way I know how, it may not be the way you would grieve, it may not be the way someone you know grieved but this is my story and my journey, how can you judge how I am doing? I have lost two babies, I have waited to get pregnant, I have watched everyone around me experience the joy that I have only experienced at moments and then had it ripped away. I did not just miscarry this baby, do you know how it feels to be told there never was a baby?that your hormones are as high a full term pregnant women? what you thought was a heart beat, toes, arms, and fingers was nothing, can you grasp how this feels when you have waited for your turn, do you know? Do you know what it feels like to be told that you could almost die? that your baby never made it out of the fallopian tube and that it is a strong and growing baby? that in that moment i knew i was choosing my life over my babies life, can you understand the aching heart i must have over this? do you understand how hard both the times have been for me? I am not just grieving Judah, the hopes and dreams of Judah, the future, the plans, the experience, I am also grieving Eddie, I am grieving moments, I am grieving not being able to try and the uncertainty of getting pregnant.I don't expect you to understand my journey so please Stop expecting me to be something I am not. To be somewhere, to do something, stop telling me how I should feel, what is easy and what is the hardest,what I should do, how I should grieve. Stop wanting me to come where you are at, maybe meet me in the trenches, meet me in the hole that I am in and don't expect me to come out of it anytime soon for your convenience. I know it is hard to watch someone grieve, I know it is hard to understand what they are going through, I am trying my hardest to give you an insight into my journey,to help you know what I am going through, to tell you how I am doing, but it is whether or not you will lay down your expectations, to see with CHRIST eyes just what I am going through. I am dealing...I am healing, I am praying and I am loving my Lord. I am getting out, I am hiking with Kevin, I am living, it may not be public but it does not need to be public, it does not need to be for anyone else, it is for God. I don't need to go anywhere or do anything to "speed' the healing up...i don't want to speed the healing up, I don't want you to take it away or make it easier for me, I want to embrace it, hold onto it and allow it to change me. I may not have my baby, I may not ever have my baby on this earth, but I do have the freedom to grieve the best way I can. These are my babies, my loss, my grief, let me be,let me heal. pray for me love me and meet me where I am at. Stop expecting me to meet you where you are at, to come where you want me to come, to be around people you want me to be around, to heal when you want me to heal. Embrace me right where I am at, because I can promise you God is here everyday, in the trenches, picking up my broken heart, and sorting through my mess that he thinks is perfect and beautiful. I can't fulfill your expectations, i can't be who you want me to be, i can't heal the way you healed or the way you think I should heal. I can live everyday in a relationship with Christ, allowing HIM to heal me, to embrace me, to love me, in HIS timing, in HIS journey and HIS story for me. I am exactly where HE wants me to be.

The moment

I am not sure what compelled me to stay up one night and write this, maybe the Lord knew I would want it one day. I tried my hardest to remember those hours, the emotion and words shared. Maybe this will give everyone a little glimpse of that moment, and the moments to come. You have joined us this far on the journey...this is how it all began. This was hard to write, and harder to post.


Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"

"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"

"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."

We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."

My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.

"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.

"yes, something is wrong."

"Did I miscarry?"

"No you did not miscarry..."

"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."

As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,

"how did you know that?"

"I just did."

I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.

My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.

"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.

Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.

I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.

Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.

"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "

Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.

We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?

We Are, He is

we live, He breaths,

we want, He has

we cry, He loves,

we laugh, He plays

we are weary, He is strong,

we are scared, He is fearless

we are his, He is ours,

i am yours, You are mine

we are lost, He will find,

we are blind, He can see

when He calls, we will answer

when we yell, He will whisper

when we ask, He will give

when we are desperate, He is life.

~Beth

My New Template

I decided that because our blog has been such a big part of our, especially my life, that it needed some sprucing up and creativity. And if you are reading this you truly deserve the best, to be so kind as to read our words, and join us on the journey. As I clicked on the site to check out all the templates I was amazed at all the themes. I mean there must of been thousands of themes you could have chosen from, who in the world designs these anyways? I could do much better!! After much debate and a few tears I came across the one I thought was okay and got the Kevin nod of approval. It fit his "simple" yet "unique" appearance that he wanted, yet not portraying to much of a girly side. He was a bit disappointed when I said no to the Broncos theme. I copied the code into the blog following the step by step directions and not thinking much about it. Well as you can see it is very different and it took a lot of work to get it back to normal. Everything got erased and moved around and something that was suppose to be nice and fun was stressful and frustrating. So if you are going to change your template you can call Kevin and I for the top ten reasons why you should not change your template. However it is now up and running and I really like it, I now expect a lot of comments telling me how good it looks!!!!!! (If you tell me how bad it looks you will get a lot of tears and more frustrations. Remember I am irrational and do not take your words lightly!!)
Thank you Kev!!! You guys would be stuck looking at a mess if it was not for my amazing husband who has the patients to work everything out!

Double the Fun

This is Dad and Kevin going off it!

Oh Fun

This is Dad going off!

The Wonders Continue

We drove into the mountains and into the back woods, found ourselves an emerald mine and went digging! We found all kinds of fun treasure. It was a fun day with the family!!!

A day of Wonders

This is the falls we went to, Kevin and his dad slid down it~~~

This was a six foot hole that you could climb in and let the water go over you...

Here is Kev going off the edge! So cool!!!
Dad in the hole!

The fam!!

My Prayer

One day, One moment, One second at a time

one journey, one valley, one mountain to climb

He sings, He dances, He loves you all the time

He's the king, He's your father, He's the maker of the world

He holds you, he holds your baby, he loves you all the time

He is God, He is healer, He is always wanting you

will you go, will you fall, will you let him heal your heart

he is good, he is love, he is calling all the time

he is here, is there, He is everywhere you are

are you ready, are willing can you let it all fall

I am not sure, I don't know but I want to more then life

I am yours, I want you, I am calling out for life

I love you, I love you, I love you oh Lord

Take my pain, take my hurt, take my broken heart

I need you, I want you, you are all there is to love

Hold my child, rock my baby, make them giggle make them laugh

Let them smile, let them grow, let them know my mothers heart

I love them, I love you, I give them, even though we have to be apart

hold them close, hold me close, let me feel their beating hearts.

You are God, you are good, you're the lover of my soul .

~Beth