"My Child, Get up!"

I went to church today. That is more of an accomplishment then I even give myself credit for. You have no idea just what it takes for me to decide to go to church. It is not because I do not love my church family and our church in general, but going out- especially where people know me- is huge. The decision to go anywhere or do anything is usually a big… no let’s say ‘enormous, massive, a titanic like’ decision. I have driven twice to the Fletcher Park, only to get there and turn around and leave – with two very disappointed dogs I must say. I am not sure where these anxiety attacks are coming from, I am not sure when they will leave, but rather then constantly fight them, I am learning to just fall into them and do whatever it takes to make them go away, and that usually results in me going home. For the first couple weeks into this journey I really struggled with the feeling of being “expected” to be at church, I felt as though that was the only place God might truly meet me, and heal me. I have been learning a lot in the last couple of months, and God is revealing himself to me in so many new and exciting ways. I am learning just how compassionate our God is, not that I did not already know this truth about him, but rather just how real it has become to me. Kevin wrote awhile back, about how we did things in order to get something in return. Even after loosing Eddie, and now Judah, I feel as though I am just now grasping the relationship aspect of God. It is funny that this is what he is revealing to me, I am an extremely relational person, so much so that if someone asked me what “religion” I was, I have always said in return “I hate religion; I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” How much of this relationship was based upon what I “wanted” from God, rather then what God “wanted” from me. In so many ways I based my relationship with Christ with a superficial check list that I created out of religion…
Went to church… CHECK
Tithed…. CHECK (With Kev's money that is now conveniently “ours”)
Prayed…. CHECK
Read my Bible…. CHECK
Read my Bible in the MORNING…. CHECK!! CHECK!!
Shared Christ… CHECK
Served at church…CHECK
I think you get my point. I felt that if I did all these things then I conveniently got to check off my little check list, and then I felt a lot whole better, and a whole lot more religious. Then as I bowed my head and prayed that God would grant me children, I felt as though he “had” to, “Come on God, I did everything on my end….now it is your turn.” Where is the relationship? With myself. Wow, what a reality to grasp. Do we do things out of having to do them? I think often times as humans, unfortunately yes we do. I know I do…not just with my relationship with God, but also with my relationship with people.
After loosing Judah, Kevin and I realized just how wrapped up we were in our own creative religion. Did I love God- absolutely, I am not talking about whether or not I did or did not have a relationship with God, I did, but it was warped and in many ways created by me, not in union with him. Do we need to do the things I listed above, yes, but not because God is standing above us threatening us, and tempting us, and bribing us, but because we have a real relationship with him. I do things for Kevin, not because Kevin will threaten me, but because I love Kevin deeply, and I am in a relationship with him, and I want to please him. Should I not want to do the same for God? That is all he wants from us, and he has opened my eyes and shined light on the dark areas of our relationship by stripping me of things I have always felt comfortable in…Going to church, praying, serving…things that I cannot physically do, I cannot physically make myself do these things right now, and that is okay. God will meet me in my home, he will meet me with a CD of specific music chosen just for me by a dear friend, a blog written by a close friend who also has lost a child, a verse that someone sent to me, scripture I read, books given to me, tears shed with me, shopping with my mom, making muffins, living with and loving my husband, but mostly, just being. God is into just being with me, meeting me right where I am at, and what healing this is. I am convinced that when he is ready he will release me of these physical anxieties that I am getting, but it will not be when you are ready, or when I am ready, it will be when he is ready. Right now he has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!

Luke
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

Hiking With the Boys!

Hiking has become one of I and Kevin's favorite things to do on a Saturday- Here are few pics!

The End--

Flowers, Family, JOY

This was a day a while back but I know everyone enjoys pictures so here are a few; Mom, Grace, Dad, and the kids came over and helped me plant flowers- to lift my spirits!! They have done just that, I sit out and enjoy them as I drink my coffee- My family- such a joy!






(Owen was here, but he fell asleep in the car!)

"I Envy you...."

There are so many points to this journey where you learn so many different things, about yourself, about others, and about life in general. I am amazed at how many times I have been stopped on my path and astounded by what God is doing in someone else’s life. I am distinctly aware of others struggles and difficulties, often times feeling they exceed what I am going through. Kevin and I have received many emails and cards from other people who have gone through the loss of loosing a child. I am amazed at their vulnerability to share their story with us and am humbled by their encouragement to us.
However there has been a select group that God has placed in my life that has really spoken and ministered to me, who probably don’t even realize it. This particular group of women has amazed and astounded me and an in many ways encouraged me like no one else could. It has surprised me how many times God has placed one of these amazing women in my life, to remind me gently what God has given to me in the most kind and uplifting way. I know it is specifically from God as I have always walked away encouraged and never once have I been offended by their words of observation, as they look into a section of my journey. I also know this is from God, not only because I have encountered these women on more the one occasion, but also because never in a million years would I have thought they would be the ones to minister to me in such away.
This group that I am speaking of and have been setting the stage for is the women who are my age or older and not married. I know surprising right? Well for whatever reason this has been one amazing way God has chosen to speak to me and shine light on a situation that seems the darkest. One girl I met randomly at a softball game Kevin had. She had never come before and she never came again. She was there that night for a specific reason I believe, and that was to kindly remind me of what God has given me. As we sat and chatted through out the game, she of course asked the dreaded question that always makes my heart sink and my body cringe; “Do you have children?” I can’t really describe to you just what this statement does to me. Unless you have lost a child or have dealt with infertility you will never really know what this question does to you. Anyway I took this as an opportunity to share with her my story, interesting because I have not allowed myself to share with many “strangers” my story…to vulnerable. I concluded my story, and she looked at me with tender eyes and said “I cannot imagine how that must feel…” As the night progressed and as our friendship continued, I was truly enjoying her company. From that point on we did not say anything else of great importance, until the game was coming to an end, it was then she touched my hand and said, “Beth, I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I have know idea what loosing a child must be like, but I still envy you.” I was startle and amazed, why in the world would anyone envy my situation? But as quickly as I had the thought she answered it “I am your age, not dating and don’t have any prospects for dating, all I want and all I have ever wanted is to have children and a husband, to stay home and take care of them. Instead I have an apartment, a dog, and am working two jobs to maintain it. I don’t even have the choice for kids right now and not only have I had to watch all my friends get married, but now I am watching them make and have their families, while I am still alone. I envy what you have Beth, because although you have to wait six months to try again for another child, you at least get to hold onto to the dream of children and be held at night by your husband while you are most lonely. I go home by myself.” At that moment my heart broke for this young women, she was beautiful and had a good head on her shoulders, and here she was looking at me and thinking “you are living the dream,” how humbling this was to me.
She is just one of example of many, and I have to say that each time God places another one of the extraordinary girls in my path; it opens my eyes up more to see what God has given me; a loving husband who in the midst of my mess still loves me. I am astounded by Gods grace and mercy in my life, I am living my dream, I am a wife to Kevin and that is more then I even deserved, and although I do not get to mother my children here on earth I am still very much a mother! God did not have to give me anything yet he choose to give me the gift of a soul mate and two beautiful children who will never ever experience pain, that is more then I could ever ask or imagine. Everyday I get to spend with Kevin in this life is worth it, I am a truly blessed mother and wife!
I do pray for these girls, I can’t imagine what they must feel everyday, how their hearts must sink every time they get a wedding announcement of yet another friend, I pray that their dreams do come true and that one day they email me and tell me of the love God has given to them, however just like me in the since of being asked to wait, I hope they know just how much their lives have impacted mine. Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting what we do not have that we loose focus of what we do have, and I have more then I could ever imagine!!

A Joy- My family

What a blessing my family is, especially my mom, who ministers to me the only way a mother can. She knew I was having a tough week so she came and spent the day with me. She took me shopping and out for not only lunch but dinner as well. I smiled and laughed with her and really did come out of my hole for awhile and it felt so good. As she dropped me off she sweetly reminded me that it is okay to have a “good day,” knowing this would be something I would struggle with later, and it really was a good day. I can’t tell you what a blessing it has been to have my family close by. They really have rolled up their sleeves and gotten in the mud with me, often times helping me sort through my bag of mix emotions and frustrating feelings. They have cried with me, sat with me, cleaned for me, planted flowers for me, cooked for me, and most of all, loved me each and every day right where I was at. There will never be the right words to ever thank them, I will never find away to really express how much their love has meant to me. I can’t imagine walking this without them, one of the many things I find joy in right now- my family!

What's With All the Sadness?

What’s with all the sadness? This is a question I got through a facebook message. This is one of the reasons I will be cancelling Facebook and MySpace. Interesting, that someone could say such a thing, maybe they did not know the situation; or maybe they did and they were tired of me being so "sad" all the time, either way the comment still caught me off guard. I guess loosing a baby is not that sad? Well from where I am standing, and what I am living through it is extremely sad. I have so far had a hard week. I still have to go every week and get my blood taken to make sure that there is no “cancer” that is multiplying through my body. I dread Tuesdays every time. I hate needles and I hate waiting for the phone call, always very aware that my levels could go up. I am exhausted, swept away with many emotions. Sometimes I am not sure I will survive this. I am just frustrated, feeling very aggravated in the situation that I am in, yet having no control over it. I am tired and wish so badly I could escape the endless sea of thoughts and pain. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, I don’t want to wakeup in the morning and I don’t want to do this anymore. I am feeling so desperate yet there is nothing I can do to change the situation I am in. "I did not realize you were still sad..." this is another comment I have recieved. Still sad? Still hurting? What do you expect? I am very sad.

Walking the Path

Right now I must wake up every morning and take birth control. How interesting that for right now God has really said wait in more ways than we could imagine. We have no control over the situation, I can’t change the reality that has been handed to me, and it is a path I would never have chosen. I may not be able to change the path or the outcome, but I can decide how I am going to travel it. Some days I do good on the path, I take my birth control and move on, trying not to think about what it is doing to my body but often times feeling its affect. I run through the list of things God has done for me, I cry at the thought of not being able to try, but I keep moving, continuing down the dreaded path, but with a heart uplifted not down casted. However there are those days, like today, where I don’t do so good; I put off taking it, delaying the action, and avoiding the thought. Then when I finally breakdown in taking it- not because I want to, but because of utter fear of what might happen if I were to get pregnant, and as I swallow the dreaded pill my heart sinks at the reality that is once again handed to me, and I breakdown right in the middle of the path. Either way you look at it, I am still walking on the path. People have said to me “I don’t know how you are doing it,” and how I appreciate those words, I really do, though I am beginning to realize that I have to “do it.” There is no escape route, no easy path, no easy way around it; I am faced with the reality that I have to “do it.” Just by taking breaths, is doing it, because it is choosing to live through it. I would be such a liar if I did not say that I have often times thought that dying would be such an easier way, then I would be with my babies, I would not have to think about whether or not we can or cannot get pregnant, whether or not my levels will rise and I will be faced with cancer, whether this will happen again, and the pain and grief over loosing another hope and dream and best of all I would be with Christ, wow what a great solution…it seems. I realize and know that this is not an easy way out, but it is something I am faced with everyday. As I wake up, place my feet on the floor and take yet another breath, I am choosing to continue down this path, easy or not I am walking it. I am so thankful for Kevin, who God has given to me to walk with me, side by side, hand in hand, and often times, in the arms of. I am so thankful that Christ walks it with us, each agonizing step, and battle he is there, healing, loving, and crying with us. I am walking this, well or not, I am walking it- and that is more of an accomplishment than I can tell you.

Home Sweet Home

Kevin and I had such a blessed weekend, thanks to Aunt Nela and uncle Jim (thank you so much!), they once again opened their home to us to escape for the weekend down in Charlotte. I appreciated it and can't tell you how perfect it was. Kevin and I don't venture out much when we get there, we usually get our "survival kit" which includes; movies, junk food, wine, and drinks, then it is just a matter of kicking back and enjoying ourselves. One of the big pulls for both of us in going to Charlotte is to visit some of our favorite, Cousins (which we missed all of you guys this time) AND...Of course stop by Chipotle...ahh...it is our favorite place to eat! We really did have a good time and it was the first time we were away from home which actually proved to be a harder task then I originally thought it would be. It took some time making up my mind that this would be good, and even more time to actually get in the car and go. Once there I was fine but we did get tempted to "Just go home" on more than one occasion, however I did appreciate not having anywhere to be or anything to do, which you all know is my biggest thing right now..."no expectations" and we did not have any! As we pulled into our driveway today, I was so happy and content to be home, I told Kevin it was good to go, just for the feeling of getting home! It makes me realize just how much I appreciate my home, I don’t want to move (PRAISE GOD), and I don’t want to change anything right now. For all of you who think I am “trapped” in my home, I reassure you - I am far from trapped, I am so happy in my home!
I tried taking pics of our weekend but we did nothing to take pictures of. So here is the one that I did take....Kev and I sat outside and played cards for a good couple of hours....we have so much fun together!!!

Late Night Words

My mind is going in a hundred directions right now, I can’t seem to even follow a single thought, and I am hoping that writing will be the reign that pulls it in. It is 10:50pm, Kevin is asleep to the left of me and I am once again wide awake in an endless sea of my own thoughts. I have actually had two good nights in a row; I was even able to fall asleep without the aid of my usual; two Tylenol Pm and two glasses of wine (Don’t worry you can pray for me later and sign me up for AA…). I consider it a success when I am able to fall asleep under two hours and stay asleep at least three hours at a time without waking up, and for two nights I have been able to do just that. We will see how tonight goes. It is entertaining to me that my writing comes easiest in the late hours of the night. I try writing when I first wake up with my coffee in my hand and the birds singing…., I figure this seems more like a “real” writer to me, not that I am even close to a “real” writer but I like to pretend. For right now though at night is the only way I can keep my mind in check and on some kind of logical path or maybe not logical at all, but at least occupied. It also is so helpful in passing the time as I wait to get sleepy, which always seems to take forever. Most of my postings thus far have taken place late at night, and then I save them re-read them a couple of times and finally get the courage to post them. I know I am not really a writer, praise God for Microsoft Word (if only you could see all the green and red squiggly lines…)! And even after all my editing and re-reading there are still so many mistakes and so many times I am sure you have sat there and said “wow, that word really should not have been used in that sentence…” Even so, I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me the strength to write, and even more strength to allow you to come along with me on this journey. You have to understand the vulnerability I must feel by opening up my life, grief, and pain and allowing you to see it in its most exposed and defenseless state. I try my hardest to not sugar coat anything, or to make it seem something that it is not, you are truly getting the best picture of this journey as I can give you, and it is not always easy. Grief is really something that is so private and personal, when you allow someone in, you are allowing their thoughts and judgments in as well, kind of comes with the territory. I am sure there have been many thoughts you have had that you would never voice to me and that is okay, keep it that way! And maybe now more then before ever reading anything I have ever written, you feel more at lost at what you could say to me in fear you might say the wrong thing, and that’s okay. Honestly I am not sure what the “right thing” would be. If I knew I would tell you, and tell you to say it a hundred times. I unfortunately don’t think it really exists, because what thing could you possibly say that could really ever make the situation any better? Not to be critical or bitter in any way, but honestly there are no words, really….there is truly no words to ever say that will ever really heal. If you ask people going through grief I’ll bet some of the best words, were the words unspoken. Sometimes the gestures are the greatest words, and the kindest and most rewarding pieces of healing. The people with the “right” words, are usually the people I continue to push further away, not that I mean to, but more out of a protective heart, guarding myself as best as I can. I know they are trying, I know they want so badly to help ease the pain a bit, but can anyone really ease the pain? God.... He really is the only one I know who can say the right thing, and sometimes it is hard to hear, but I appreciate hearing it from him, much more then hearing it from other people. Don’t worry, I know I am not around, I know you are not seeing me as much, BUT I am still listening to God, more now then I think I ever have.

City Champs - by Kevin

The last time I played in a championship game for any sport was when I was 12. It was the Longmont Baseball League (like Little League, but local to the city I grew up in.) We were playing for the 11-12 year old championship. It was the bottom of the 6th inning (that's all we would play) we were down by 2, bases loaded, 2 outs and guess who is up... that's right, yours truly. I was nervous, but confident, I had been doing well all season - but this was it...Either I go home with my head down, or I go home with a sweet plastic trophy.

I was not about to take a walk, I wanted it to be me to finish the game one way or another, not the kid who was up after me. The first pitch was about a foot outside - it took all I could to keep from swinging at it. The second pitch was coming in right over the plate, but it was high. Like I said, there was no way that I was going to take a walk, so I swung with all my might at a pitch right at eye level, I connected solid, and I knew it was over. It was a beautiful line drive right down the 3rd base line, it went over the 3rd baseman's head, and the left fielder had no chance of stopping it before it rolled to the 300 foot fence. As I rounded second, I knew the game was tied, and only one more run would win it all... The kid who was on first was running his heart out, and got home about 2 seconds before the ball got in...we did it, we were city champs. And best of all I was the one who finished it off. I'll remember that moment for the rest of my life.

As I said, that was the last time I have ever played in a championship game, that is until last night. I have been playing slow pitch softball with Volvo (for those of you that don't know, that's who I work for) we finished the season a respectable 9-5, enough to earn us a first round bye in the 12 team tournament. During this tournament we were just on, we ended up winning the first game by forfeit, because the other team didn't have enough players, so we were on to round 3 - we beat our arch rivals by a walk off tag up from first who was able to make it home (for those of you who don't know what a "walk off tag up" is - please go ask your husbands.

The next game we were down 0-4 going into the 4th inning - then we started hitting, and ended up winning 20-5 to make it to the championship game. I could hardly sleep Tuesday night, I couldn't believe it, we actually made it to the championship game, I had dreams, and hopes of scoring the winning run, or turning the double play that ended the game, and gave us a 1 run lead. As it turns out, we did not need my last minute heroics, I went a respectable 2-3 with 3 RBI's, by the 4th inning it was practically over (see the scoreboard below - we were the guests)

We won the game by a final score of 20-2 to win the Asheville, Men's E division, Slow Pitch softball championship. Yes, it was only "E" division, but we still won it handily.

Next year, we get to play up to the D league, I can't wait to take that one on as well, I'll be dreaming of the next time I get to play in a championship game

My Husband!!!!

Oh- This is one of the many reasons I am so in love with my husband. I can't imagine walking this journey with anyone else. He makes me laugh and makes the dogs bark (they always bark if we dance...)!!! We truly have so much fun, God is so good to have given me my best friend!!! It took some persuading for him to let me post this....so enjoy!

Thoughts

I can’t sleep but know I need to sleep; I can’t rest but know I need to rest.
I laugh but feel guilty for laughing.
I have a good day and feel bad about having a good day.
I heal a little and think I am not ready to heal; I don’t heal any and wish so badly I could heal…even just a little.
When I don’t want to cry, I cry and the tears just keep coming, when I want to cry, I can’t force a tear even with my most horrible thoughts and best effort.
A darkness wanting to be released is waiting at my door step every day; some days I open the door and allow it in with open arms, embracing it and loving it and wanting to stay in it forever, other days I am able to lock it out and run in the other direction, never looking back but always aware of its ever growing and silent presence.
I know God is speaking and I know Satan is yelling.
I am fully aware of what is truth and what is a lie, the lie is always easier to accept and befriend.
I am unsatisfied with who I am, yet constantly trying to embrace who God has created.
I am a mix of emotions, feeling as though I can’t see clearly, yet sometimes I feel as though I am seeing things for the first time, more clearly.
I hear God in my darkest days, but in my best days he is silent. Some days I feel more free then I have ever felt, yet other days more trapped and alone then I have ever felt.
Some days I want a friend, other days I want no one.

I know I will make it through this battle, but sometimes I am tired of fighting.
I know the pain will heal, I know the reality will never change.

Letting Him

I am beginning to hate/love nights, this is the time my mind seems most vivid in its thoughts. I analyze, re-live, plan, strategize, and it is difficult for my body to shut down. I have been thinking a lot about my grief, how I am handling it, what I should or should not be doing, and what people might think of me. I have been wondering if my over dramatic, over sensitive and extremely emotional personality is what is causing my grief to be as it is, or could it be that I am truly in a place in my life that is tragic, and horrific reacting just as I should react. Am I over dramatizing? Some might say...Am I reacting exactly as I should? Some might say..... What do I say? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I do know that I cannot fake, act, or pretend anything that I have felt so far. I am who I am, grieving the only way I know how to, honest and humble, a mother who is broken with empty arms and a confused heart. I am me, and honestly I don't know who me is anymore. Is this what grief does to every person? Strips them of everything they once thought they were and making them so unsure of everything they thought was secure? I don't know, I don't have the answers but I am searching. When I talk to God, (which is now what I do, I can't pray...but I can talk) I am finding that we are having many conversations about his children walking through the fiery furnace, sleeping in the lion’s den, and walking through grief, pain, tragedy, and hopelessness. Why God? "To help you see me more clearly Beth." This seems to be the only answer I get on a repeated daily basis. In the midst of such a storm is when you really see Christ more clearly- but here is the catch, if you let him reveal himself to you.

Oh Lord, how I want you to reveal yourself to me
I want to see you clearly, to know your voice so deeply
to reach out and grab your hand, allowing you to take this pain
Thank you God for meeting me each day, right where I am at,
for not expecting me at any service, at any meeting, or on any date
Oh Lord when will the pain just ease a little, just a little?
I love you!

A Day in the Life

So- we painted, and we painted the office that was going to be the nursery. We both felt we needed the change and something different. We chose green..... I know right....Green? The pictures I will post does not look like the green we picked...just know that. We are pleased with the outcome, it was hard and we both kept saying how badly we wished were painting the nursery. In the Lords timing and perfect will!

So what do you think?

This is a little art we did...It says I am ok....HINT HINT HINT~~~

Ah.....

I did not tell him to write this!

Finished!! I know....green right?

A Walk Down Memory Lane with Bran Muffins!

Pappy and Grammy!
Me and Gram

I made bran muffins tonight....Grammy's Bran Muffins!

Now that might not be a very important act to you, but if you are any way related to me and know Grammy, then that struck a cord deep inside your heart and soul, probably making you pause and remember her face! My "Gram"- wonderful, kind, gentle, understanding, lovable, funny, unique, special, best friend, and so much more...are just a few things that describe Gram. She was my dads mother, and my grandmother. In the home I was born in, she and Pappy, lived in a little house right outside my home. My dad always tells the story of me waking up early in the morning, and dad taking me out to Grammy and Pappys house so that mom could get some rest. Oh Gram, to even think of her now brings emotion to the surface. When my parents moved, Grammy and pappy came with us. Dad and Mom found a house that had a huge basement that they converted into a home for them to live in. What a blessing that would be in the days to come. Pappy passed away when I was six years old. I don't remember much, but I do remember how much they loved one another, and what a strong man Pappy was, and I remember seeing Grammy cry. I know Grammy and I connected at a young age, she loved babies and she especially loved her grandbabies. As the years passed though, Grammy not only became my best friend, but I truly believe I became hers. I would spend my days at her house, playing all kinds of games, making up games, putting on shows for her, and of course going down in the middle of the night when I felt as though I just might "throw up." We were the best of buds, needing one another. As I got older I would Sneak down to her house in the late hours of the night, climb in bed with her and tell her how I would never, ever, leave her, if she promised to never, ever, leave me. She would hold me in her arms and tell me how I helped her grieve the loss of pappy, she would always say to me "I needed to be needed Bethie, and you needed me..." and oh how I did. Gram got me, talk about not having any expectations on someone Gram was that way. She never placed expectations on me, she always loved me right where I was at. Oh I miss Gram tonight, wondering often how she would encourage me on these toughest days. I dream of gram sometimes, and some of my dreams are so vivid, so real, I can literally feel her arms wrap around me, the smell of her, and her smile. One thing that I hold onto, is seeing Grammy hold my babies now. I know she is, I know she is loving them and telling them all about their mom, her Bethie. I can picture her laughing with them, and making them giggle, holding them high in the sky and embracing them. Gram was my rock in such hard times in my life. It feels as though when things now happen in my life, she should be here. Oh how I miss gram on these hard days, to be held by her again, to see her face, and feel her love, she was one of a kind, she was my Gram!

I personally think, that although I felt extremely close to Gram, each one of her grandchildren could write out a similar story based on Gram. She had a special way that made you feel like you had a unique connection just with her, that was one of her gifts!

Longing for an Unhendered Relationship

When I lay in bed at night, it seems my mind is most clear, I tend to think of things never thought of and I process much of what is going on. It is at night that I re-live the moments that have happened, and try to process what is going to happen. I begin telling a story of the future both good and bad, scary and peaceful. It is at night that things that should be asleep come most alive in a vivid imagination and an endless sea of wonders. Tonight my mind is not there yet. I often times lay in bed and wish I could put on paper all my mind is thinking, but unfortunately by the time I get paper and a pen, I start analyzing and think to much about what it is I just discovered deep in the brain. Tonight I am not sure what to write about, what to put on paper, or where my mind is taking me. It seems to blank and dark in every corner.



It is times like this that I wish I could open my mind up and allow the words that are forming in my brain to form themselves on paper, without hesitation without thinking to much about each word or the order of which they should be placed, but to allow things to truly flow from the mind straight to the paper as if a mighty hand from above was penning it for me. There are so many times that our words are hindered by our circumstances and by our situations, we allow the color of our day to inhibit the color of our words, they change by what people say or what you think they might say, they change by the wants and desires of appealing to others and they loose the true meaning of there veracity. If we could all live for a day where we were not held back by the worlds expectations what would it look like? How would you live it? Would you change anything? I think that so many of us would change so much about who we truly are, we formed by much of what the world thinks, and so much of what we see, hear, and live that we have truly lost who we truly are. I am so curious to even think, and go as far to say, I wonder how my relationship with the Lord would change if I was not influenced by peoples thoughts, teachings, and words. What would it look like if my relationship with Lord was truly based on my relationship with just him and only him. However, and ever so often, our relationship with God is not based on a true unhindered relationship with the Him, but rather built so much on the teachings of others, how we see other people live, what we have heard or not heard. I have so many times envied Adam, he would walk and talk with Lord and it was only them, Adam was not influenced by billboards, Sunday morning teachings, or what his parents thought or did not think, he was only influenced by his daily walk with the God, oh how I long for that. Unfortunately sin entered the world and at that moment our relationship with God was now view by tainted glasses, painted by and hindered with everyday sin and the flesh of men. Not that we don't learn from great teaching of the great teachers, chosen and anointed by God, but don't you for a second just wonder what it would be like to live daily in a relationship with God not hindered by anything, not sculpted by anyone?



I guess that is why we long for heaven, and oh how I long for heaven, more now then I have ever. I might have two babies up there, and that, only the Lord knows. I can't wait to live in a place where I am not dictated by fear, expectations, wants, and desires, but rather by relationship with my king.

My Journey...Right or Wrong

I am in no way trying to offend anyone by writing this. This is my heart and hopefully will speak to you, or maybe to someone walking a similar journey of grief, pain, and loss. I have taken a couple of days to write this and was hesitant to post it, but had to be reminded that this blog is a way for me to allow myself an outlet of connection and a way to share the different and difficult experiences on this journey. This was not directed at one person, it was directed at expectations I feel that may or may not even be there.

I am so frustrated, I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people refuse to hear my heart. I understand that people love me, I understand they want the best for me, however I don't understand their expectations. I cannot fulfill your expectations, when you place them on me I fail and it adds to my grief. I am dealing the best way I know how. I am grieving the best way I know how, it may not be the way you would grieve, it may not be the way someone you know grieved but this is my story and my journey, how can you judge how I am doing? I have lost two babies, I have waited to get pregnant, I have watched everyone around me experience the joy that I have only experienced at moments and then had it ripped away. I did not just miscarry this baby, do you know how it feels to be told there never was a baby?that your hormones are as high a full term pregnant women? what you thought was a heart beat, toes, arms, and fingers was nothing, can you grasp how this feels when you have waited for your turn, do you know? Do you know what it feels like to be told that you could almost die? that your baby never made it out of the fallopian tube and that it is a strong and growing baby? that in that moment i knew i was choosing my life over my babies life, can you understand the aching heart i must have over this? do you understand how hard both the times have been for me? I am not just grieving Judah, the hopes and dreams of Judah, the future, the plans, the experience, I am also grieving Eddie, I am grieving moments, I am grieving not being able to try and the uncertainty of getting pregnant.I don't expect you to understand my journey so please Stop expecting me to be something I am not. To be somewhere, to do something, stop telling me how I should feel, what is easy and what is the hardest,what I should do, how I should grieve. Stop wanting me to come where you are at, maybe meet me in the trenches, meet me in the hole that I am in and don't expect me to come out of it anytime soon for your convenience. I know it is hard to watch someone grieve, I know it is hard to understand what they are going through, I am trying my hardest to give you an insight into my journey,to help you know what I am going through, to tell you how I am doing, but it is whether or not you will lay down your expectations, to see with CHRIST eyes just what I am going through. I am dealing...I am healing, I am praying and I am loving my Lord. I am getting out, I am hiking with Kevin, I am living, it may not be public but it does not need to be public, it does not need to be for anyone else, it is for God. I don't need to go anywhere or do anything to "speed' the healing up...i don't want to speed the healing up, I don't want you to take it away or make it easier for me, I want to embrace it, hold onto it and allow it to change me. I may not have my baby, I may not ever have my baby on this earth, but I do have the freedom to grieve the best way I can. These are my babies, my loss, my grief, let me be,let me heal. pray for me love me and meet me where I am at. Stop expecting me to meet you where you are at, to come where you want me to come, to be around people you want me to be around, to heal when you want me to heal. Embrace me right where I am at, because I can promise you God is here everyday, in the trenches, picking up my broken heart, and sorting through my mess that he thinks is perfect and beautiful. I can't fulfill your expectations, i can't be who you want me to be, i can't heal the way you healed or the way you think I should heal. I can live everyday in a relationship with Christ, allowing HIM to heal me, to embrace me, to love me, in HIS timing, in HIS journey and HIS story for me. I am exactly where HE wants me to be.

The moment

I am not sure what compelled me to stay up one night and write this, maybe the Lord knew I would want it one day. I tried my hardest to remember those hours, the emotion and words shared. Maybe this will give everyone a little glimpse of that moment, and the moments to come. You have joined us this far on the journey...this is how it all began. This was hard to write, and harder to post.


Waking up this morning I was anxious about everything to come. I picked out my black "yoga" skirt which is most comfortable since I feel that I am not showing but defiantly bloating! I am waiting for the clock to read 11:45am because I know that this is the time Kevin will be home to get me. I am so full of emotions, I am scared deep down inside that something is wrong, but I am trying hard to hold onto God's promises and how much this pregnancy has been a "God pregnancy" from the moment we found out. I decide that I am defiantly not hungry and that Kevin and I will grab something afterwards as a celebration to seeing our baby. I check my purse to make sure I have everything I need, look around the house to make sure it is picked up and clean and then head outside to wait for Kevin. As I see the white Honda come around the corner my heart rate increases as I know we are getting closer to the moment of finding out whether we will be having one baby or two. I can't believe it is happening to me, I can't believe it is my turn, and I can't believe that I am pregnant. I get in the car and Kevin immediately notices I am nervous for the appointment to come. Placing his hand on my knee and giving it a gentle squeeze he says "are you excited?"

"Yes, but nervous. You really think everything is okay?"

"I do Beth, this is our moment, we are going to see this pregnancy to the end, Don't worry."

We drive to the Doctors office and I was relieved I have not thrown up yet. Still feeling uneasy and nervous we walk into the office. We sit down and wait for our turn, and as quickly as we sat down Kim, my nurse was out to get us. After a quick stop to the bathroom for a urine check and a scale check, which I hate, we are in the room waiting for Dr. Arcara to come in. Today is a BIG day, it is not only our first official OBGYN appointment but i am pretty sure I am around 10 weeks pregnant, and am anticipating seeing a heart beat. Dr. Arcara does the usual exam, which felt like it took years and I asked her all about the different birth techniques. We laughed and joked about how big Kevin was as a baby and she said to prepare myself for a big baby!!! She was so encouraged by everything and before she got the ultra sound machine ready she looks at me with big eyes and a tender voice and says "lets see this baby guys.."

My heart was racing and I felt Kevin's hand on mine as we waited for her to get everything in the right spot. As I was looking at the screen I knew immediately that something was wrong. The beautiful little sac we had seen weeks before was missing and in its place was clusters of fluid invading my uterus. I saw Dr. Arcara turn the screen from us, and look more intently at what she was seeing, my heart rate begin to rise and my hopes and dreams began to fall.

"Something is wrong Dr. Arcara..." I said more as a statement then a question.

"yes, something is wrong."

"Did I miscarry?"

"No you did not miscarry..."

"Then it is a molar pregnancy, there is no baby..."

As the words left my mouth, my world stopped turning. Dr. Arcara looked up at me with an astounding look and said,

"how did you know that?"

"I just did."

I am not sure how I knew, maybe because of other circumstances in my life, or maybe because deep down inside the Lord was preparing me, or maybe because I already had a mothers intuition telling me something was wrong with my beautiful baby, all I know is that I knew.

My mind began to race and I tried my hardest to grasp the reality that was now being served to me.

"I am so sorry Kevin, I am so so sorry," that was the only thing I knew to say to the person whose dreams were also coming to an end.

Dr. Arcara let me sit up and gave me a minute to grasp what was going on. She kept saying how sorry she was, but it was not her fault, it was nobodies fault, it just happened.

I kept telling myself that maybe I was dreaming, I would wake up and this would all be a terrible nightmare, but with each passing second I knew I was not going to wake up, this was a night mare, but a nightmare I was going to live.

Dr. Arcara left the room and Kevin and I wept.

"Lord please give us strength, we will praise you because you are a good God. Give us strength to once again walk this journey." I called my mom trying my hardest to help her understand what was going on, telling her repeatedly that we were going to be okay. We are going to be okay.

Dr. Arcara comes in with her medical book and begins to explain just what it is that we are going through. An egg without a chromosome was fertilized by a Y sperm, (It would have been a boy!!!), because the egg did not have a chromosome the Y sperm kept trying to fertilize, and in return filling my uterus with unwanted fluid. Words like, cancer, and not being able to try, and never a baby, were throne at my door step for me to sort out and grasp. I had to go to the hospital that day to get my lungs checked, how overwhelming, and then wait four days for the surgery. What would we do for four days? "Stop walking, take it easy, don't over due it, and if you begin to bleed come straight to the emergency room...we are so sorry... "

Everything from this moment on is a blur. I had to sign all kinds of paper work, stating that I recognize that I am no longer a prenatal patient, now I am a high risk pregnancy. Once again my hopes and dreams being ripped from my hands, again. What I had feared most was coming true, what path I did not want to walk, I was being asked to walk again.

We walked out of the doctors office and to our car. I could not get in, I could not move forward, I could not embrace what I was just told. I sat down under a huge tree and let the moment embrace me. Kevin called our friend and pastor for prayer and I once again called my mom trying to give her as much detail as I could. Kevin and I once again found ourselves in each others arms, overcome with grief with heavy hearts. We made our way up to the hospital for the pre-opp meeting, and the X-rays of my chest. As we drove home I wept once again. We walked into our house and the journey had begun. There was no turning back, there were no choices to be made, there were no what ifs about it, this was the moment of truth, would we praise God in the moment and days to come?

We Are, He is

we live, He breaths,

we want, He has

we cry, He loves,

we laugh, He plays

we are weary, He is strong,

we are scared, He is fearless

we are his, He is ours,

i am yours, You are mine

we are lost, He will find,

we are blind, He can see

when He calls, we will answer

when we yell, He will whisper

when we ask, He will give

when we are desperate, He is life.

~Beth

My New Template

I decided that because our blog has been such a big part of our, especially my life, that it needed some sprucing up and creativity. And if you are reading this you truly deserve the best, to be so kind as to read our words, and join us on the journey. As I clicked on the site to check out all the templates I was amazed at all the themes. I mean there must of been thousands of themes you could have chosen from, who in the world designs these anyways? I could do much better!! After much debate and a few tears I came across the one I thought was okay and got the Kevin nod of approval. It fit his "simple" yet "unique" appearance that he wanted, yet not portraying to much of a girly side. He was a bit disappointed when I said no to the Broncos theme. I copied the code into the blog following the step by step directions and not thinking much about it. Well as you can see it is very different and it took a lot of work to get it back to normal. Everything got erased and moved around and something that was suppose to be nice and fun was stressful and frustrating. So if you are going to change your template you can call Kevin and I for the top ten reasons why you should not change your template. However it is now up and running and I really like it, I now expect a lot of comments telling me how good it looks!!!!!! (If you tell me how bad it looks you will get a lot of tears and more frustrations. Remember I am irrational and do not take your words lightly!!)
Thank you Kev!!! You guys would be stuck looking at a mess if it was not for my amazing husband who has the patients to work everything out!

Double the Fun

This is Dad and Kevin going off it!

Oh Fun

This is Dad going off!

The Wonders Continue

We drove into the mountains and into the back woods, found ourselves an emerald mine and went digging! We found all kinds of fun treasure. It was a fun day with the family!!!

A day of Wonders

This is the falls we went to, Kevin and his dad slid down it~~~

This was a six foot hole that you could climb in and let the water go over you...

Here is Kev going off the edge! So cool!!!
Dad in the hole!

The fam!!

My Prayer

One day, One moment, One second at a time

one journey, one valley, one mountain to climb

He sings, He dances, He loves you all the time

He's the king, He's your father, He's the maker of the world

He holds you, he holds your baby, he loves you all the time

He is God, He is healer, He is always wanting you

will you go, will you fall, will you let him heal your heart

he is good, he is love, he is calling all the time

he is here, is there, He is everywhere you are

are you ready, are willing can you let it all fall

I am not sure, I don't know but I want to more then life

I am yours, I want you, I am calling out for life

I love you, I love you, I love you oh Lord

Take my pain, take my hurt, take my broken heart

I need you, I want you, you are all there is to love

Hold my child, rock my baby, make them giggle make them laugh

Let them smile, let them grow, let them know my mothers heart

I love them, I love you, I give them, even though we have to be apart

hold them close, hold me close, let me feel their beating hearts.

You are God, you are good, you're the lover of my soul .

~Beth

Frumpy Mrs Kermit the Frog and the Fresh Market

When I awoke this morning one thing that made me somewhat excited to get out of bed, was the thought of going to the Fresh Market and picking out some fun things to eat or drink. My in laws are coming into town tomorrow for the weekend, so I wanted some different things to enjoy. I finally pushed myself out of bed around 10am (I know you are jealous...this is one of my perks of dealing right now...) but did not get dressed or moving until close to 12pm. Finally I got the motivation I was looking for and started out on my day, anticipating all the fun food I was going to get. As I approached the Fresh Market I decided to run into Stein Mart which is right next to it. I have been looking for summer shirts and skirts I can wear that make me feel good but are comfortable. Now if you are like me I have to be in the right kind of "mood" to try things on. And the last couple of days I have been in that mood. I went out yesterday in search for somethings only to come away frustrated and aggravated and convinced that they have shrunk sizes.... Anyways I decided to give it another shot, thinking to myself that it would make me feel good to find some cute outfits. I was excited to see they were having a big sale and even more excited as I rummaged through the racks and found that they actually had some cute things. My"mood" for trying on things increased and I went in with about 10 items each holding a unique and fun feel to them. I thought I was really going to find the right look and that maybe it would be one of those days when everything looked good and you had to make a decisions as to what to buy. As I slid on my first bright green skit (I was feeling funky) and green top and turned to look in the mirror, what I saw looking back a me was a frumpy Mrs. Kermit the frog, with unshaven legs and armpits and a muffin top belly and side pony tail that was a mess. I stood there for a moment, and then began to laugh at the sight of me. As the trying on continued, it just went down hill. Finally I pulled my original clothes back on, took my outfits to the lady and left the store. I was disappointed and a bit frustrated but decided not to dwell on it and to finish what I came for....some food (just what I needed after realizing just how bad I looked...but oh well). I walked into the Fresh Market which was absolutely crazy and froze, literally froze in the spot I was in, finally forcing my feet to move I decided to start in the back of the store where it was a little less crazy. I think I made it down two isle before I thought I might just have a break down right there in the middle of the trail mix and dried fruit. I quickly left my cart and walked out of the store and into my car. "What is wrong with me?" Is what I thought over and over to myself, this is normally not like me. I am so overwhelmed in normal situations, but I believe it is because my life is so far from normal right now. These are the moments I wish I could escape- I wish I could escape my body, my mind, my emotions, and sometimes the journey. Knowing that I can't I just have to escape moments, which is my only way of dealing. Finally when I arrived home is when all my tension left and I was finally able to breath and relax. I am praying the Lord will take these anxious moments from me, but in the quietness of my heart he is telling me that these are a gift, that when HE is ready he will release me and let me be free in situations again. Right now my freedom is within the walls of my home and family, and I continue to remind myself that these days will pass but to not rush them, embrace them.
The hardest thing to embrace is the frumpy Mrs. Kermit the frog.....come on God can't you at least give me my ideal body during this time?!!?

Why I do What I do...

It was a good weekend, so nice having Kevin home which helps me immensely. We did not do much, but our doing nothing actually is a lot because there is constant healing and grieving taking place.

While taking a couple of days off from blogging, I was thinking a lot about why I have been keeping this up. I kept asking myself why it has been such a gift to write and once again God revealed new truth and wonders to me, that now I get to share with you.
I have always enjoyed writing in a journal, I believe I get this from my dad. Over the years dad has scripted each of us kids a beautiful journal that he kept for a year or maybe more of his life. Each page holding nuggets of advice, truth, and love. I have taken time to read mine, given to me almost 8 years ago I still enjoy pulling it out grabbing a cup of coffee and reading a couple of pages, holding onto every word, even if it is just about his friends in the coffee shop or how he made a mess in the house and mom was upset. As I have gotten older, and am now married, when I read what he has written over again I understand much more about him, the business, and most importantly about how much he loves us. This is a gift I believe my dad has passed down to me. I enjoy writing but not just for me, for everyone in hopes that it will bring small nuggets of truth into your life as well and a new perspective on someone situation maybe not just mine! When you look into someones life and journey it is so easy to judge how things are going, that everything may look great from the outside so you assume everything is great on the inside as well. But it is hard to vocalize all that is going on, it is hard to come up with the courage, and even harder to find the right words at the right time. Which is why writing on this blog has been such a gift. It is letting people in, without feeling to overwhelmed by all the questions and what you might feel as judgement. When I started writing this it was mostly for me, over the last couple of weeks it has transformed into a way for me to communicate not only to my family but friends,and strangers too. It is such a gift to me because now I have a documentation of this journey, being able to one day grab a cup of coffee and read through all that we have been through. My prayer for this writing though goes so much deeper then that, it is my hope that I will give you a look into someones journey of grief so that maybe it will help you understand your daughter, friend, coworker, or whoever it maybe, that is walking the journey of loosing a child, or going through any kind of grief. I know sometimes it is so hard understanding those going through it, you don't know why they have changed so much, you don't know why it is so hard for them to be around mothers with young children, you don't understand their dark days and you feel like you can never ever say the right thing,(I am so sorry it is rare that people say the right thing). I pray I bring that understanding. I know you will never be able to truly comprehend it, and with everyone it is always different. Grief is unique, never the same to anyone even if it is a very similar situation. I know this writing has been such a gift for me, this is my way of connecting right now, of sharing my heart, of being as vulnerable as I can be, so that when you see me and I am smiling you can know a little bit of what is going on this inside. SO thank you for reading, for taking time, and for wanting to understand my journey, it means the world to Kevin and I!

A Look Inside my Hard day...

The sun is shinning, it is a good feeling that it is the weekend, and it looks like it is going to be a beautiful day. However nothing seems to make the emptiness that I feel more today go away. Some days are just harder then others and I am not sure why. Some days I wake up with a renewed energy and outlook on my situation, other days I feel so empty and wonder how I am going to put one foot in front of the other, this is one of those day. I know it will be okay, I know that I will get through it, and I know that even though it feels empty God is right next to me, holding my hand, catching my tears and singing over me. A great deal of how I feel is coming from the hormonal journey my poor body has been on. My levels rising high above 100,000 and then within a week dropping to 1700, it effects you in more ways then you know. So I find that I have very little energy some days, and am extremely tired even though I have slept a ton. It is learning to find peace in these days and letting them sweep you up for a moment, it is part of the healing. I miss my baby that never was, I miss being pregnant and can't help but wonder what my swelling belly would look like if all had been okay. I miss planning the nursery which is now once again the office, I miss picking out cute little outfits, I just miss somthing very much. This is so hard. It is so hard to wake up and have to take birth control, it seems so odd that we can't even try for six months. It is just so hard to surrender your dreams for his dreams, even though you know deep down inside, his dreams are far better then you could ever imagine.
Today is just a hard day....

Time- an Extended Retreat

It has been three weeks today since we found out, and just under two weeks since we officially lost Judah. In so many ways I can't believe it has been this long, in other ways I can't believe how little time has past. There have been so many days that I wish there was no time, we just existed and we did not calculate our lives by minutes, hours, days or weeks. I feel so much pressure from time. It is time to get up, it is time to go back to this or that, it is time for Kevin to go to work, time will heal....and so on. And honestly I am just so sick of time. So I am trying my hardest to just be in the moment and not think about the future. I have found that in my thinking I am making a schedule for my grief, for example this would be one of my never ending annoying thoughts...

"Okay it has been almost three weeks, I should probably be back to my normal self by a month, cooking and cleaning and going to church, if I don't then what will people think, so maybe next week I will try to cook every night, and we will only eat out once a week, and I will try and get out more, and call more people and get up with Kevin and...."

It gives me a headache and what I have found is that when I have those thoughts I only fail myself and feel like I fail the people around me.

Some of my best days look something like this....

7:40am Kevin kisses me good bye

9:45am finally I get up

10:00am take dogs out to the fence and get my coffee

And then the rest of the day has no schedule, I just live in the moment. I find myself most free on those days and what I fear the most is when those days will began to fade away. I was telling my family last night that this "time" God has given me has been best described in my mind as an extended retreat. I think God wants people to have this "time" away with him, he causes things to happen in our lives so that we are face to face with just Him, but many people pass up the opportunity to spend an extended retreat with the maker of the universe, because the world is telling them it is "time" to move on. I would not trade this "Time" for anything, even though it took great pain to get here. It is not that I don't want to be around people, or to go places and do things, it is that I physically and emotionally can't make myself. And I once again need to be OKAY with this. So just think of Beth on an extended retreat- cause in many ways I am!

Here is my pool at my "cottage"

Here is who I have allowed to be with me on this retreat:

See Through my Actions to my Heart

An outlet for Kevin and I recently has been Kevin's softball team. Only a handful of the men on the team know what we have been through, they never really talk to me, and usually I am the only fan sitting in the bleachers watching them, usually yelling some ridiculous team cheer that never makes since according to the game of softball, but at least I am there! On occasions there is a wife and a young baby that come and watch their daddy play. On those nights I tense up and try my hardest to find a spot where I can't see them. And this is what I want to write about today!
This particular blog is for mothers of young children, mothers to be, and mothers who have lost a precious child.

Last night, that young family was there. I tried my hardest to stay put even though they kept getting closer to where I was, and not make eye contact with them. Finally out of desperation I stand up, leave everything where it is, walk to the completely other side and ask Kevin to fetch our things. I noticed particularly last night that this young mother must notice that I am avoiding her, as she watched once again my stuff disappear around the corner. I am sure she thinks I am the most antisocial, rude, and unfriendly person she has ever met. I felt just horrible, if you know me at all you know this is not my heart and in any other moment in my life I would have most likely commented on how cute her baby was, and then struck up a conversation with her. You may even be reading this and be thinking to yourself, "How rude Beth, that baby is a gift, a joy, why would you not want to look at something so precious?" Oh how I wish I could, please know I wish I could. But I can't, it is painful and it hurts my heart so badly that the only thing I know to do is to escape.

If you have ever lost a child, or have had difficulty getting pregnant I am pretty sure you are nodding your head in agreement, knowing exactly how I feel. You understand the way your heart sings for joy and breaks with sorrow with the announcement of one of your siblings, family members or close friends finding out they are pregnant. Joy because it is a miracle and every part in you is genuinely happy for them, but sorrow because that is all your heart wants, and God asking you to wait. It is easier for me to walk away, to take sometime with the Lord to get my heart clear and focused, and I am sorry if this offends you. If you are mother with young children, I see in your eyes pure joy and pride of your child, thinking they are the cutest and most adorable baby on the planet. You walk in to a store and you in a way expect eyes to turn, because people love babies, I get this, and one day I hope to experience it. But don't be offended if someone looks away, or does not ewe and ah over your new little one, who knows what that persons story is.

One day, as the healing continues to come I will be able to hold an infant, to look at pregnant women, and to enjoy a young family watch their daddy play softball. I will embrace it, love it and find joy in it, but I can promise deep down in side there will be a little sting as I remember the days of how hard it was.

Once again I am having to remind myself, it is okay. It is okay because God knows my heart, it is okay because the healing is continuing to sweep over me and I am embracing it. I know that my joy for those mothers is real and authentic, you just might not be able to see it through my actions right now, but that will come. If you are a mother who has never lost a child, who got pregnant quickly and read this and really don't understand it, accept it, and try your hardest to know our hearts. We don't mean to be rude and antisocial, we are dealing the best way we know how. I am dealing the best way I know, look beyond our actions to our heart and there you will see joy and sorrow standing hand in hand, as we sit back and watch you walk through life with your new little one.

Still need a laugh?

Not sure what I should blog about today...so here is another video of my favorite little boy...This always brings smiles to my face, Thanks Aunt Kim!!!

New Floors

4 weeks after starting, we now have beautiful solid Maple floors on the main level of our house. We decided to put in hardwood floors in order to create a healthier house for our new child that we were expecting a few weeks ago. It turns out that this gift for our child (or so we thought) has instead been a gift for the two of us. It has been a project for me to work on to get my mind off of the heaviness we've experienced. And Beth and I have really enjoyed the change our house has experienced.

We finished the living room the night before we heard the devastating news that we wouldn't be bringing a child home in December. I'm really glad that God allowed us to finish that stage so we could relax for a while.

Here's a picture of the finished floor:

If you'd like to see more I have also uploaded some onto Picasaweb, feel free to check them out at http://picasaweb.google.com/KATanner/NewFloors

Heaviness

The heaviness that Kevin and I experience everyday never seems to go away. Last night the weight of it broke us down and we both wept together as the reality of what is going on once again washed over us. I do not think it is because we are in denial or trying to fake our way through life everyday, I believe that in the midst of grief life must go on. This is true for anyone who has lost anything or anybody in there life. You feel like the world should stop, don't they understand what has just happened? But it can't, it must move forward and with its ever moving waves it moves you right along with it, whether you want to or not.
Last night as we sat in a dark room on the bed and cried, one of the questions that kept crawling all over us was 'is there really a God?" You may read this and think a couple of different thoughts, one being "I thought they were all in to praising this God that now they ask is he even really real...." Let me explain my heart the best way I know how.

When we lost Eddie, it hit me hard. I went into a severe depression for many reasons and felt as though everything I thought I knew to be true was now a false lie. I argued with God for many months, because not only did we have to let go of our first born but also in the months to come, we kept getting negative pregnancy tests. It seemed so unfair to loose a child and then not be able to conceive. Now I craved being pregnant even more then I did before I got pregnant, because I understood the joy and love that came with seeing that positive test! We have gotten so many emails and phone calls from many of you encouraging us by saying it is okay to be angry with God, but please hear me when I say, I have been there and done that. I have wrestled with God for months, I have yelled, cried, screamed at him and in the end laid at his feet broken and confused. Then the healing came, it came through church, new found friendship, family, and most of all in undeniable, unbelievable love. One of the times I felt the healing the most was when my dear friend Daniel was in the hospital. I would stay many nights with him and God was present in that room, the arms of God wrapped so tightly around my soul as he sung his healing words over my broken and weary heart, even in the midst of such a scary and dark storm. It was then I knew that even in our most darkest places, God is present, even if you don't realize it.

Weeks and months went by, and although we were still in the midst of trying to conceive, our clarity with the Lord was strong. But we still had and still have a lot of learning, and Judah was conceived and I believe this pregnancy is saving us. We started getting wrapped up in doing everything right, if we do everything right physically, emotionally, and most of all spiritually God will honor us and we will get a child. We began praying specific prayers about getting pregnant or adopting, asking God to reveal his answer. This is where Kevin and I are really start asking the tough questions. We received many words from the Lord from friends and family confirming that we were pregnant. I at the time would not allow myself to believe, in fear of being disappointed. This pregnancy from the moment it started was instantly labeled "such a God pregnancy." The weeks following finding out about Judah were nothing less then exciting. We decided to tell our church, even though it was early and I was a little fearful we kept hearing the advice "Don't let Satan rob you of your joy, everything is going to be okay!" Everything was not okay, then all of the sudden we were hearing "This is not from God, this pregnancy and what has happened is straight from the pit of hell..." How can we go from such joy, and praise to utter sorrow and cursing. Can you see what we are going through? Can comprehend the mix of emotions that we experience? I am having to go back to the basics, and what I am discovering in many ways is that God is love, God is who is says he is "I am the I am." How can we judge what we think is good or evil? Our judgement comes from our current situation which seems horrific, but if God is love, then this happening is out of love and nothing less. It is hard to comprehend sometimes, but I am in no state to tell God what he should do, and in many ways I was. Is God real? Yes. deep down inside without out a shadow of doubt I know that my God is real. My flesh, my everyday sin, my selfishness, questions whether he is real. My heart, my soul, the depths of who I am, knows that God is real.
I just know, that right now Kevin and I have heaviness following us around. You may see us out walking dogs, or grocery shopping, buying something at Lowe's, and we smile, and we talk to you and we will leave and the heaviness follows. There will be days, where the heaviness will be to heavy and we will break with the weight of it, and in our brokenness we meet Christ. Just know the heaviness is not for you to take, not for you to fix, not for you to question or judge. It is ours, and we are getting through it. Years will go by and many of you will forget what we have been through, or maybe you will remember in a fleeting thought, but I can promise you that even then, our sorrow of the loss of our two children will never go away. It will change, it will grow, it will take on a new color, new feeling, but it will always be there, and it is ours. It will bind Kevin and I together making us so close in heart and in spirit. It already has changed us, made us real, and made our relationship with the Lord grounded deeper into the soil of life!

I just need to laugh

Some days I just need to laugh..... hope this brings a smile to your face!

The Shack

As I was confronted with the events of my life the last couple of weeks, there have been many suggestions of what books to read. With Eddie, the books on having a miscarriage or loosing a child were helpful, if you have ever read any of these books you would probably agree that once you have read one you have read them all. This time around with Judah I was not in any mood to read any of the books of such categories, so when my youth pastor from years ago, Randall Popham suggested The Shack I was not sure what kind of book I was getting into. When I went to buy it I was surprised to see it on the New York best seller, and even more excited when I saw that it was fiction, exactly what I needed. This book has been blowing me out of the water, (which who knows what this phrase really means if you think about it....I am not in any water as I am writing this...). The book has been a friend on some of my sleepless nights and darkest days. I am amazed at how many times I have felt like the book was written just for me, thanks Randall for the suggestion! Here is just one example: (not wanting to ruin the book if you have not read it yet, I will refrain from describing to much if I can). Mackenzie is a father who after many years of running from God is invited to meet him in a shack.... Sarayu is described as the Holy Spirit(I hope that is not saying to much...) After blogging last night about being a mess I came up to bed and read this out of the book...

"I didn't do that much, really," he apologized. "I mean, look at this mess." His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. "But it is really beautiful, and full of you, Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here." The two looked at each other and grinned.

Sarayu stepped toward him until she has invaded his personal space. "And well you should, Mackenzie, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive - a living fractal."

(Bold and italics are mine)

As I read this I was overcome with joy in my heart, although I feel like the biggest mess, God see it as beauty, perfectly in process as he wants it to be. It is exciting and a bit scary all wrapped up into one. I hope you get a chance to read this book, I would love to know what you think about it as well! I hope I did not ruin anything for you!