Brokenness, desperation, unknows, fearful, risks, insecurity, humbleness, loneliness, loss....
These are just some of the words that come to mind as Kevin and I process the last several months of our life.
When we moved to GA 4 years ago we had no idea just how much we would love it here. We felt at home, like this was always where we were suppose to be. Kevin moved from working in a big engineering company to a start up business with his boss that he has worked with for over 10 years. It truly felt as though dreams were coming true and that this would be our forever. We knew that we would love to find our forever home, that the house we were currently in was just not our style or where we wanted to raise the boys to come home to as their family years ended. We wanted to find a house that would be the root of where the kids always find a way back to.
And If you know anything about Kevin and I you know that we don't like anything ordinary, we always look for things with quirks and character. The house we were in was grand and beautiful but it just wasn't us. So for the last 2 years we went on a hunt for our forever home, because we really felt like setting down roots for the boys to grow in was so important. We also knew that Kevin's job could change at any moment. It was as startup funded by a parent company that at any point could have the right to shut it down. From day 1 it felt risky, and it continued feeling risky by year 3.
When we found this property we had a major choice to make. We could let the unknowns of his job dictate our future, or be obedient to God to put down roots for these boys to grow. Kevin said when we put the offer in on the property that he really felt like he was laying down his job to no longer be the deciding factor.
We bought the property without selling our house, this felt incredibly scary and risky, but the tug on our hearts from God was so much greater. We listed our house and sold it in 48 hours, the very next day of receiving an offer we found out that they were shutting down Iron Direct. All of the sudden we felt the foundation we were standing on begin to shift. And God wasn't done yet, my health was shaking, the job was shaking, the move was shaking, we felt so shaken when we lost a beloved grandfather suddenly, and even relationships we cherished were shaking. In a matter of 4 weeks our life got flipped upside down.
We closed on our house in Fayetteville and that night as Kevin and I processed everything he said "I hate we worry so much, but boy that was scary." For two weeks we owned two houses and knew that his job was ending.
I wish this is the part of the blog that I tell you how everything turned out. However, it is not. We don't know if God will ask us to place the property on the altar and be asked to move. We don't know what type of job or when Kevin will get his next job. We don't know how my hysterectomy will turn out once I am recovered and if it will alleviate all of my pain, we don't know when we will be able to be with our family as they grieve a father, husband and grandfather, and we don't know how relationships will settle once everything is calm.
Right now we are safe within the ark of His protection, but the storm is raging and it is scary and unpredictable and incredibly out of our control
Daily I am reminded of God's never ending presence in our life. He is not shaking, He is not moving, He is not scared, insecure, worried or fearful for our future. I can feel God resting His mighty hand over our family. I can feel Him changing both Kevin and I as we push into the security of who He is not who this world has to offer. We know that with the shifting of our lives comes beauty and refined gold. When hold onto the promises that when He takes away He restores back.
9 years ago we were asked to walk an unimaginably hard journey of losing two babies and the fear of not being able to get pregnant. Kevin and I have felt the same deep sorrow and grief in this journey. We are so thankful we have the promises of "remember when..." to look back on.
Remember when we lost two babies? Remember when doctors were not even sure I could ever get pregnant? Remember when I almost died and was rushed into surgery to remove a baby and a fallopian tube? Remember when what we thought was a beautiful boy ended up being toxic cells that could turn to cancer? Remember when the company Kevin worked for shut down in Asheville? Remember when we had to leave everything comfortable to move to a town that was overrun with golf carts?
Remember when God gave us 5 acres to raise not 1, 2, or 3 boys but 4 miracle upon miracle boys?
Remember when.
My mom gave us their verse that stood on when similar things were taking place in their lives:
Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! 1 Samuel 12:16
I am praying this verse as well:
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
See, I have seen God at work in so many areas of our lives, I also have seen God at work in the lives of dear beloved family around us. We may not know what our future holds, but I do know our future is secure in the palm of Jesus. I do know who He created us to be, who this family will be, and the legacy this family will hold.
I look at my husband and could not be more proud or more in love with him then I am today. He is a strong and mighty Oak tree with roots so deep within the foundation of our God. I know my boys see this, I know people watching see this. That, that is more precious than money, job title, or security in anything this world has to offer.
So if you see us, encounter us, watch us, your might see broken people, because we are, so very broken. You might see worry, overwhelmingness, and maybe at times even fear. But do not mistake that for a lack hope, a deep stirring in our hearts, or a revival happen in our little home with our little family. We are so very hopeful, so very thankful, and so very blessed.
Now we will heal (especially me physically from a very intense surgery...) we will gain strength, we worship, we will praise and we will "stand STILL and see the great and mighty thing the Lord our God is about to do!" Join us in watching!
